You can lie, sue, and Spanx all in the name of youth in Hollywood.
We age. It’s a normal part of life for all women, like getting your period or slowly turning into a person who refuses to wear high heels. But if you live and work in Hollywood, it’s a different story. If you are a woman, you are supposed to look young. If you are a woman over the age of 25, you are supposed to look young – for your age. If you are an actress, you are supposed to look like a zygote with Botox who is allergic to carbs.
So what are the women of Hollywood supposed to do?
First, lie about your age. Most actresses shave a few years off their birth certificate. This is a given fact in Hollywood, just like Renee Zellweger’s amazing legs. Note that these hacked birth certificates suddenly invert for actresses after the age of 50, such as Meryl Streep, Judi Dench, and Helen Mirren. Then, their sheer force of coolness shines forth like a laser, scorching everyone in its wake.
And if you’re caught lying about said age? Sue. This week, Amazon.com revealed that they were being sued for $1 million after revealing the age of a “Jane Doe” actress on the Internet Movie Database website. Amazon.com refused to remove the age reference. Now that everyone knows she is a wasted hag, Jane Doe insists she can’t get work because she looks too young to “play” 40. The burden of looking younger than your years is heavy for some.
Second, admit that you wear Spanx. Jessica Alba, Portia DiRossi, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Gwyneth Paltrow all cop to “a smoother silhouette” thanks to the spandex girdles. Further, the right slimming undergarments are essential, say housekeeping books from the 1950s that also recommend greeting your husband at the door with a martini and light conversation about your bomb shelter.
In a post-feminist world, Spanx are useful in manufacturing enlightening moments in a marriage. Like when you realized you haven’t packed your Spanx for an out-of-town wedding, and your husband asks if you’re talking about the underwear for your paunch. After everything goes white and “Flight of the Valkryies” plays in your head you admit, yes, it is the underwear for your paunch.
Finally, cultivate a “who cares?” attitude that secretly includes a nightly dosing of bird excrement on your face combined with extracts of sake and gold chips. Because have you heard? That’s how the Japanese stay so young.
Or you could just leave Hollywood’s standards and actually not care. In the end, we all age. Just smile at the 20-year-old heaving a long-winded sigh that he or she feels so old because they just found their vintage iPod from 2003. After all, there comes that day when we’re all wearing the same comfortable shoes and asking someone to repeat what they said.