“Breaking Bad” is the best-written show currently residing on our small screens. Don’t agree? Then let us pour a glass of Schraderbrau and talk episodes. Or rather, let’s skip right to the end, which is likely to be as epic and well-crafted as the first four-and-a-half seasons of the best-written show currently residing on our small screens.
There are just eight more episodes for meth-makers Walter, Jesse and company before we learn the inevitable and guaranteed happy ending our characters all so richly deserve. Which is, of course, as likely as Badger and Skinny Pete joining Mensa.
So how will it all really end?
We have at least one clue. We know Walter fled out of state to “live free or die.” (Thank you, New Hampshire license plates, for your eloquent foreshadowing.) But we can dare to dream that our favorite New Mexicans will all ride off into the sunset alive and happy—or at least, alive?
Probably not. So let’s pretend for a hot meth-minute that creator Vince Gilligan’s brain was briefly high-jacked by Disney and that a peaceful end was possible.
After all, everyone deserves a happy ending on “Breaking Bad.” Just ask Mike Ehrmantraut. Gus Fring. Gale Boetticher. The Salamanca family. Ted Beneke. Jane Margolis. The people of Flight 515. One brave southwestern turtle…
1. Walter White: Dead Man Walking
We know things may not end well for drug kingpin Walter, mostly because the New Hampshire license plate makes it so. On the domestic front, his wife is praying for his cancer to return. Business-wise, he has the life expectancy of a fruit fly. Odds are heavily on the “die” part of “live free or die.”
Instead, Walter escapes Hank and his toilet-reading sleuthing to flee to Atlanta. He arrives just as a zombie outbreak takes down civilization.
Naturally, Walt becomes the leader of a new world order. It’s a world where long, boring, drawn-out conversations about morality are forbidden, replaced instead by more smashy-smash of zombie skulls.
You will remember his name—and it is Governor Heisenberg.
2. Skyler Gets Sweet Revenge (And a New Name)
Poor Skyler. Yes, she’s complicit on a thousand different levels and wow, does she have a taste for boys who like to cook. (Walter, meth. Ted, books.)
But one thing Walter White’s wife does really well is tragic, misguided morality. She starts out trying to do the right thing. But before you know it, she’s flashing cleavage at an IRS agent and embarking on a career as a car wash owner-slash-embezzler of millions.
(Maybe her confusion stems from the fact that she has the name of an Arizona State sorority girl instead of a middle-aged woman. Seriously, Vince Gilligan, her name should be Sandra or Pam. Not Skyler. Now be sure to consult me next time, thanks.)
So here’s what we’d like to see for Sandra Pam at the end of “Breaking Bad.” Fed up, she takes Walter out with a turtle bomb. With baby Holly and Walt Jr. in tow, she buys a Caribbean island with her giant cube of cash and happily lives out her days. Turns out, the money—it was enough.
3. Jesse Finds Love
When we last saw partner-in-crime Jesse Pinkman, Walt had just left $5 million at his house, probably hoping to soothe feelings over the tragic death of an innocent child or the yet-to-be-discovered murder of Jesse’s mentor, Mike. Take your pick!
Sure, Jesse has blood on his own hands, but he always plays with an ambiguity that lets you understand his motives. Even if it takes him a while to learn his lesson, which is always dissolve a body in hydrofluoric acid in a plastic barrel and never, ever in the bathtub.
So rather than meeting his end over a barrel, Jesse could find romance. He is busted by Hank and sent to prison for life. Once there, he falls in love with the prison hair stylist, a pre-transition transsexual inmate named Sophia.
Jesse and Sophia live happily ever after, because orange is the new black and black is not the color of Jesse’s heart. Not really.
4. Hank Schrader, Poet Performance Artist
Our favorite DEA agent and brother-in-law Hank Schrader has had a helluva time of it. He’s been harassed, mocked, and discouraged for his relentless search for his white whale, Heisenberg.
Meanwhile, the meth king himself has been drinking his home-brews all along in Hank’s very own backyard. Hank has endured the temporarily loss of his legs in a shoot-out and more exploding turtle parts than is really necessary.
So what Hank really needs is a break. We already know that he achieved clarity about Walter’s identity while sitting on the toilet. But what we learn is that this life-altering moment also came with a deep sense of purpose about his own life.
So Hank decides, after reading “Leaves of Grass,” to give up his pursuit of Walter/Heisenberg. Instead, he becomes a celebrated poet. He spends his time on street corners, happy and fulfilled, shouting “Song of Myself” against the roar of the Albuquerque crowds. Breaking Bad? More like breaking mad poetry beats, yo.
5. Marie Brings Purple Love to the People
Hank’s wife and Skyler’s sister Marie seems to be finally getting her life together. She wore a yellow shirt in the mid-season finale, which means she’s either finally throwing off the purple shackles of her intense neurosis or Breaking Bad costume designer Kathleen Detoro has been replaced by Big Bird.
But when Walt is revealed as a drug kingpin and Skyler as his money man, Marie flees back to the safety of her lavender preferences.
But this time, she doesn’t mess around. Marie opens a Purple Palace Emporium of decorative spoons and baby tiaras. It becomes wildly successful overseas, and Marie builds her own storage cube of cash.
She divorces Hank, leaves New Mexico, and marries a buff Swedish masseur name Olaf who enjoys a shirtless life in, naturally, a purple sarong.
Photos courtesy of AMC
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