Brangelina is capoot, over, finished, done, but we really couldn’t care less (okay, maybe we care just a little).
Whether or not all of the allegations of substance abuse, cheating, and disagreements over who gets to keep which multi-million dollar mansion are true (gag), one thing we know for sure is that if Brangelina stays on the road they’re headed down, Hollywood’s most
overrated coveted, yeah coveted, couple is headed for splitsville.
This glamorous duo didn’t pair up without a healthy dose of drama and adversity after it was revealed that the two actually started falling for one another while Brad was still married to Jennifer Aniston. Naturally, Angelina was labeled the homewrecker, while Brad was simply the discontent husband who was trapped in a loveless marriage with a controlling spouse, but I digress. After a whopping 12 years together (which is like 100 in famous years), the world is in disbelief that Brangelina is no more.
If reading one more article about how life will just never be the same without this duo makes you seriously nauseous, especially in light of all the bigger issues and real news happening in the world today, then consider us your antacid in a belly full of spicy nachos, as we detail the many reasons why we just don’t give a rat’s behind if these two human beings call it quits. #SorryNotSorry
1. The Presidential Race
Um, hello out there! We have a female candidate running for president! Not only is this the best thing since, like, a woman’s right to actually vote, but it’s a huge leap for womankind. What’s more important than any celebrity divorce, is securing her spot in the White House, because the last thing we need is a narcissistic, misogynist ass-hat destroying the nation as we know it. Forget team Jennifer and team Angelina, and get on board with #TeamHillary.
2. Masculinity is Toxic…to the Environment
Learning that men don’t respond to eco-friendly advertising in the same way that women do was…eye-opening. Green product analysis showed marketers that women responded more positively to items that are better for the environment than males. While this isn’t completely shocking, it does present the biological idea that most women are more motherly, and therefore more apt to “take care of things,” including the environment. Maybe it’s time companies focus some attention on rebranding sustainable stuff to feature more dude-friendly symbols, like beards, grizzly bears, protein shakes, and flannel shirts. #TeamEnvironment
3. Our Justice System is Ass-Backwards
Forget Brad and Angie, an Ivy League rapist, Brock Turner, who may or may not have been beaten with sex toys by a flash mob upon his release from prison, after serving just three months for attempted rape of an unconscious woman. You know, all while there are still inmates wasting their entire lives away in jail for minor drug offenses. I don’t know about you, but this really makes my blood boil. In matters of race, sex, and the pursuit of bogus charges, our justice system seriously needs a reset. #TeamTimeShouldFitTheCrime
4. Big Banking Bloat
Er. Mah. Gerd. Wells Fargo has pulled, and will probably get away with, quite possibly one of the biggest banking scandals of all time. The two million phony accounts that were opened without permission has far outweighed any sort of celebrity tiff, but will probably be a figment of our imaginations in just a few weeks’ time. Should someone not hold these criminals accountable, this debacle will disappear from our view as quickly as that treacherous ebola outbreak. Unfortunately, execs have already received payouts into the hundreds of millions, so let’s hope #TeamHoldSomeoneAccountable actually exists.
5. Designer Crocs, People
Even the publicity stunt pulled by Christopher Kane takes higher precedence than that of Brangelina’s divorce. Not only did this guy have the cojones to send the most hated shoe in all of fashiondom down the runway, but he bedazzled them bishes, too. I think it’s safe to assume that Kane made it into the high-fashion-publicity-stunt hall of fame, while also scaring the hell out of a lot of people. #TeamSayNoToCrocs
If you didn’t have enough reasons before to not care about Brangelina’s divorce, now you do. Besides your gerbil’s birthday, what to eat for breakfast, and planning for Halloween, what are some other things you think are more important than Brad and Angie’s split? Let us know on the EcoSalon Facebook page!
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Image of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie via IB Times