ColumnA behind-the-screen look at the consistently ridiculous inbox of a writer.
At EcoSalon, we receive our fair share of email pitches, and we’ve decided to give you a weekly peek at this valuable information inside our inboxes. These products, people, and services are 100 percent real, although we’re not always sure that they should be.
Maxwell Billieon Will Help You Navigate for Yoko Onos!
Who knows why you got married. Mom told you to, your friends told you to, every one made it seem like it was so special and good and…right. Only you knew, deep down inside, that marriage would be the kiss of death for your relationship. The same relationship that was way more hot when you lived in separate apartments. And now? The man you married is cheating on you and courtesy of your competitive streak, you’ll need to call on “Lifestyle Guru” Maxwell Billieon to help. Billieon will do so many things for you, including outlining “key directives that make countless men stop cheating.”
Let’s say his last name again: Billieon.
Here’s the actual pitch:
“Ten years ago when renowned lifestyle guru, celebrity branding expert and business mogul Maxwell Billieon was bound by cheating in his relationships – because no mentors or role models had ever taught him how to function differently with women – he had an epiphany. Driven by an overwhelming desire to stop cheating, he set out on a life-changing journey to undo decades of destructive behaviors. With no experts or instructors to advise him, Billieon quickly realized he would have to draft his own operating manual for learning how not to cheat…”
That is fantastic, Maxwell. I’m glad you saw the light. In Death Of The Cheating Man: What Every Woman Must Know About Men Who Stray, Billieon outlines, step-by-step, what women need to know about how and why men manipulate their emotions.
First tip? Don’t date a man named Maxwell. Other helpful how to’s:
Create the “New Monogamy.”
Know when it’s time to “pull a Yoko Ono.”
The danger of choosing pockets over pedigree.
Maxwell Billieon has now generated over $100 million in global sales as the CEO of The Billieon Group (TBG), overseeing development of high-end luxury lifestyle goods apparently sold worldwide, making Billieon globally known at the “Lifestyle Guru.”
Still the player…
Hey, Psycho, Stalk Your Date Before the Date!
Dating Our Money: A Women’s Guide to Confidence with Money & Men by Leslie Greenman gives us real insight into how we can put money before things like love or common sense.
Greenman’s PR people tell us that we should remember that our man’s good looks and winning personality aren’t all that matter. “The blunt reality is that money is the #1 cause of divorce in the U.S. And when it comes to matters of not just the heart but money as well, there’s no better time than a first date to find out if your new guy cuts the proverbial mustard!”
That sounds like the makings of a winning first date.
“Hi, my name is Amy and I’m a Libra who loves to save money – say, how’s your credit score?”
(Cue sound of footsteps running for the door).
How does one find out whether a new beau is money conscious, and how does one do so gracefully so early in the relationship? So many questions. Greenman has all the answers:
Check out his wheels. Is your date driving a flashy sports car, but you know he’s in the first job of his career? Is he driving a more modest set of wheels but you know he’s in a leadership position at work? The type of car he drives when taken into consideration with his career can be an indicator of how he spends and budgets his money. It might also indicate that he turns to material objects for fulfillment.
(Writer’s note: What about a guy with a bike?)
Ask about his relationship with his family. Often, he’ll give you the information you want without you having to pry. For example, he might reveal that his divorce from his wife resulted because of money issues. Or he might reveal that he was raised in a middle class family with frugal parents.
(Writer’s note: I can envision it now. The romance. The thrills. The notepad and pages of questions about his financial history! “Excuse me, third date’s mother, are you a frugal family?”)
Check out his phone. On average, people spend $150 on phone apps per year, but some people have bills as high as $900 per year. Is that a luxury you feel comfortable with? If it appears he spends a lot of money each month on something as trivial as phone apps, consider how he might spend money in other areas. On the other hand, if he has an app that helps him manage his monthly budget, that’s probably a good sign.
(Writer’s note: Hey, at least it’s not video games.)
Go online. With all of the information available online, you can find out a lot about someone with a quick search. For example, you can check if a person has paid their property taxes by searching online public records.
(Writer’s note: Because before a first date, you already know if you’re interested enough in a man to need to know his financial profile ahead of time?)
After all this, if you’re sure that this man is 100% perfect – well groomed, has cash, pays his taxes, isn’t posting too many pictures on Facebook, isn’t buying flashy cars, doesn’t have too many apps and still lives with his mother – then get ready to settle down, honey, he’s a keeper!
Kathy Kolbe And Rush Limbaugh say “Stop nagging!”
Say hi to nag expert Kathy Kolbe.
Here’s a great way to start a pitch to a conscious women’s publication: “Last week, the Wall Street Journal sparked a nation-wide debate after reporting that nagging can be a bigger marriage killer than infidelity which was briefly mentioned on the Rush Limbaugh Show as well. The article has generated, not surprisingly, a swath of nagging woman vs. lazy man debates somewhat akin to the chicken vs. the egg variety.”
Hmmm. Rush Limbaugh. Nagging women. Lazy men. This sounds perfect for us. Keep talking PR person!
“Why is there so much nagging and how can you really avoid it beyond neat bullet-point suggestions that don’t really address the root cause?”
Let’s stop right here. We have many choices. We can avoid a relationship with these people. We can stay single. We can take an oath of silence. We can run fast and furious for the hills.