Better Living Through Publicists: Valentine’s Day Is So Cliche Edition

Valentine’s Day is coming! Valentine’s Day is coming!

Time to pull out every cliche in the book! It’s the most romantic day of the year! Obviously! This is what all the PR firms are telling us and we’ve gotten so many pitches over the past two weeks, we’re making this week’s lengthy edition of Better Living Through Publicists a cherry heart bonbon the size of which you’ve never seen, nested in forty million rose petals, floating atop an Olympic-sized bubble bath of edible chocolate froth. In other words, at once absurd and predictable: Just like Valentine’s Day and the publicists’ pitches that come with it!

If Hotel Walls Could Talk

Hotels.com took a “Romance Survey” that uncovered “Both dissidence and harmony between the sexes surrounding Valentine’s Day.” What did they find? Well, of course all couples get a hotel room on Valentine’s Day (thanks hotel.com survey), but what do men and women think about Valentine’s Day hanky-panky?

They want lingerie, they want sex in the jacuzzi (note to self – avoid the jacuzzi next time you travel), they want Filet Mignon and dark chocolate and also, because they hate their partner so much for forcing them to endure this obviously horrible weekend, have opted for celebrities to do this with instead:

It’s no wonder that many couples divorce or break up on the 14th. Steak, anyone?

Doomsday is Coming!

Here’s a book to cheer you up for the impending day of doom. “As stores are flooded with hearts and sappy sentiments, many single women’s hearts are flooded with reminders of loneliness, failure and doom. But cheer up ladies! There is someone out there who is confident that you will find ‘the one’ and wants to remind you to keep the faith.”

Hey thanks, Lindsley Lowell! I bet you’re going to be the one with your truly graphically pleasing book to tell us who it is!
Do you deserve true love? Are you over 35 and therefore “discounted, last season’s fashions?” Do you have the guts to sit it out and wait for a man in metal to come and sweep you off your feet?

Lindsley advises: “Do not settle. Do not let others put you down. Do not think you are crazy. Do not throw in the towel and start crocheting outfits for your cat. There IS hope. Let me be your beacon of hope, your wing woman, your leader in the fight to find your knight in shining armor. Yes, Virginia, he does exist. He just might be stuck in traffic.”

But why does the PR pitch go on to talk about how the remaining available men look “like the used, discarded Island of the Misfit Toys?”

You’re old goods, but don’t settle, but the men left aren’t so great, but they are! And you don’t simply happen to want to be single, obviously.

I’m so confused. Should I just become lesbian? Oh, just call me on the 14th and we’ll figure it out over oysters.

When All Else Fails, Shop HBO!

Because you have nobody to love (because you watch too much TV), get one of these synthetic, toxic shirts to proclaim you love something on the 14th!

By the way, HBO, we heart organic cotton.

Nothing Says Sexy Like Tyrosine!

See this woman? She’s internationally renowned celebrity nutrition and fitness expert JJ Virgin, co-star of TLC’s hit series Freaky Eaters. That’s right, Virgin. Virgin is one of those people who believes food can fuel a love fire, so she advises you to better your V-Day by following a few items on this list:

Feed him celery – a few stalks of celery it raises a man’s androstenedione, which emits a scent women can’t resist

Get your zinc on – zinc-containing foods support healthy sperm production and are high in D-aspartic acid and N-methyl-D-aspartate, which increased testosterone levels

Tyrosine and zinc supplements – increase dopamine levels in the brain, which has been linked to boosting the sex drive

Supplements, baby, supplements – fish oil supports good blood flow, arginine helps with vasodilation, and Tongkat Ali support shealthy testosterone levels

Go nuts – L-arginine enhances production of nitrous oxide (NO) to increase blood flow to the nether regions, and nuts especially are rich in arginine

Yes, chocolate! – dark chocolate contains phenylethylamine, which releases the same endorphins triggered by sex and increases the feelings of attraction between two people

Hot coffee – coffee drinkers have higher libidos and hit the sheets more often than those who don’t indulge, according to a study conducted by Southwestern University.

Get filet-ed – Lean cuts of red meat are great sources of zinc and curb production of a hormone called prolactin, which at high levels can cause sexual dysfunction. Choose deep red cuts with round or loin in the name.

So, to sum up. Nuts, deep cuts of loin. Got it. Totally sexy.

Feeling Unloved? Retreat To Dawn Christie, Spiritual Champion of the Stars!

Did you know that the period between the December holidays and Valentine’s Day is “National Break-Up Season” when people are more than twice as likely to think about breaking up than at any other time of the year?

That’s what we were emailed from Dawn Christie Spiritual Spa and Retreat‘s PR person who vows that Christie continues to draw in celebrities, influencers and every day people looking for answers to one of life’s greatest mysteries – LOVE.
Thanks, killjoy.
This holistic healer to the stars has her own twenty-five-year-old wellness center with an emphasis on holistic health, spirituality and healing from the inside out. As Dawn can read you like an open broken heart, she’ll see fit to honor your personal transformation which will be customized and detailed in advance.
What if I see a celebrity and try to make a move on them? What if they reject me? Won’t this be something you didn’t see coming? Or can you, Dawn Christie?

Image: La Maison Duce, Irina

Amy DuFault

Amy DuFault is a conscious lifestyle writer, consultant and fashion instigator. She resides in Cape Cod, Massachusetts.