Better Living Through Publicists: Gross Anatomy Edition

ColumnA behind-the-screen look at the consistently ridiculous inbox of a writer.

Ever wondered how Star knows which celebrities partied at which Vegas nightclub? Thank a publicist. Ever wonder how an editor knew about an exciting new product launch? Thank a publicist. Yes, publicists are always ready to helpfully suggest story ideas that educate, enlighten, and entertain, and they really have a handle on the kinds of things that women truly need to know.

At EcoSalon, we receive our fair share of email pitches (whether they fit our sustainable angle or not), and we’ve decided to give you a peek at this valuable information inside our inboxes. These products, people, and services are 100 percent real, although we’re not always sure that they should be.

Be an Asshole This Christmas
Are you looking for a gift that costs actual money while being both rude and totally useless? Are you shopping for someone you don’t like very much? Well, if you need pointless, tasteless, and senseless gifts, head to for items like a Farting Santa ornament, which enhances your favorite Christmas carols with tinkling toots. We all know that “Nothing says peace and love like pooping animals,” so why not buy your friend a sweater adorned with the image of two pooping moose? Or if you are really into poop, there are also Pooping Santa Candies and two different kinds of fake, edible reindeer excrement, not to mention a drink dispenser where the liquid emerges from Santa’s crotch. These gifts give new meaning to the phrase, “You shouldn’t have.”

Confirm Your Baby’s Paternity the Yuppie Way
Hey, soon-to-be New Dad. Are you worried that hospital staff will think you’re just some sketchy pedo lurker who’s skulking around the maternity ward hoping to get a glimpse of a vagina? Are you miffed that your wife got to experience all the fun and excitement of pregnancy while you just got to drink beer and ride rollercoasters for nine months? Well, your wife has her fashionable organic cotton birthing dress, so why shouldn’t you get something special and snazzy to wear for the Big Birth Day? Daddy Scrubs don’t just tell everyone in the hospital why you’re there, they also tell everyone just what kind of classy dude you are.

Pumpkin Chucking for Breast Cancer
Step 1: Throw Pumpkins
Step 2: ??
Step 3: Cure Breast Cancer
By now, you’ve probably heard of Punkin Chunkin, the annual festival wherein people with lots of time on their hands gather in a field in Delaware, and compete to see who can catapult a pumpkin the farthest. People take this contest very seriously. You know what’s also serious? Breast cancer. So a group of gals have decided to literally throw pumpkins to metaphorically defeat breast cancer. Or something. Whatever. They have a giant pink thing called the Ta-Ta Tower, so maybe you should watch. Because of course this is televised.

So now you know.

Image: Wayne’s Eye View