It’s the Last Eco Decision You’ll Ever Make

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I know this sounds lame, but getting a Valpak in the mail is a special occasion at my house. I have a deep and inexplicable fondness for the packets that arrive at my door filled with coupons and promotional materials for a variety of sad-sack local businesses. A recent mailing offered discounts from the usual collection of low-rent retailers: shady chimney sweeps, lesser-known frozen yogurt chains, and family restaurants on the verge of bankruptcy. But stuck in the middle of these was a real surprise: a coupon advertising Sharon Gardens, a cemetery not far from my home.

I wasn’t quite sure what I should do with this offer – except maybe increase my consumption of hollandaise and cigarettes. Or else I could merge onto the interstate with my eyes tightly shut. Ten percent off my eternal rest? Pass the bacon!

As much as I like a bargain, it was hard for me to get excited about this particular coupon; besides its grim overtones, it stirred up all of my deep-seated environmental objections to cemeteries. Grave sites need a huge amount of ongoing maintenance – and all that mowing, cutting, cleaning, and watering requires an enormous expenditure of labor and natural resources. Then there are the gnarlier consequences of burying bodies: studies have shown that the human corpses in cemeteries can cause water pollution as the “products of decomposition” pass through the soil and into the groundwater. And with some regions of the country facing shortages of undeveloped land, there is the troubling issue of dead people using up lots of really prime real estate.

To address these problems, environmentalists have begun advocating something called a “Green Burial” as EcoSalon’s Scott Adelson discussed here. This involves carting bodies out into the wilderness where they are buried without coffins as a way to save trees. In this type of burial the dearly departed are wrapped in a bio-degradable shroud, and they are not embalmed, thereby minimizing the likelihood that harmful chemicals will seep into the ground. Instead of a tombstone, each grave site is marked with a tree. Green burials have been slow to catch on – possibly because people are notoriously squeamish when it comes to death-related traditions. Also, it’s hard to get people amped up about an event that will take place when they no longer have a pulse.

In the meantime, I remain mightily bewildered about the marketing plan that led to mailing out discount coupons for burials. Still, I am going to hang on to my coupon – I have found it to be a great ice-breaker at parties – although I don’t plan on ever having to use it.

Despite the rumored inevitability of death, I possess the secret, happy knowledge that I myself am somehow different – special and singularly blessed with an exemption from mortality. It’s too bad for the rest of you, but I really believe, deep down, that I am never going to die.

It’s almost a shame though – I hate to waste a perfectly good coupon.

Image: sdc2027