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Reader Questions Answered on Period Sex and (Gasp) Female Masturbation: Sexual Healing

self love

ColumnIt’s reader letter time again! Today’s topics: period sex, shame and (the glories of) female masturbation.

I Don’t Want to Have Sex on My Period

Dear Stefanie,

I am in my mid-twenties and in a somewhat new relationship (five months). We have a great sex life, mostly – he’s a good lover and has helped me to relax in bed. I don’t mind how high his sex drive is most of the time – it makes me feel wanted. However, he wants to have sex when I’m on my period! GROSS. I’m not even ready to burp in front of this guy, and he wants to us to just put a towel on the bed and go to town. He even told me he wants to get his “red wings.” I feel like certain things should be private, especially in a new relationship. Won’t all the mystery be gone if our bodily functions are on display like that? How do I tell him that I don’t want him anywhere near me when I’m on the rag? Seriously – all I want to do is eat ice cream and watch Netflix – sexy time is not on my mind. Is he going to dump me because I’m not as sexually voracious as he is?

Sincerely,

My Bloody Valentine

Dear Bloody,

Before we talk about how miraculous your bloody vagina truly is, let’s talk about why you’re so worried about being dumped. That feels like the heart of your letter – so let’s tease apart where the insecurity comes from. You say that your boyfriend, bless his horny little heart, has helped you relax in bed – a tacit admission that you needed some relaxin’. At the same time, as in everything related to sexuality, consent is at the heart. If something makes you uncomfortable, you should NEVER feel any pressure to perform. On the lifelong journey that is sexual discovery, you’re right at the beginning, and there is no shame in that. Your boyfriend clearly wants you – he wants you all the time. But remember that his desire for you shouldn’t be the arbiter of whether or not you feel desirable. At some point you’ll discover that you are always desirable, despite your partner’s predilections. If he should ever get the proverbial “not now honey” headache, it doesn’t mean you’re any less sexy.

Now on to the bloody bits. We women are unfortunately trained to believe that our periods are gross, shameful, and should be banished to the metaphorical menstrual hut. The Western version of this is the tampon commercial with a smiling young woman in white stretch jeans riding a horse, erasing the evidence of the natural bodily process taking place. We’re told to pretend we’re pure and clean, and to hide the fact that our uterus must shed its lining approximately every twenty-eight days. But life is dirty, bodies are messy, and there’s no reason to be ashamed. Menstruation is a normal fact of life during our reproductive years, and there is nothing gross about it. In fact, it’s fairly magical. The ancients certainly thought so. Make it your business to figure out why you associate words like “gross” with your magical, mystical, life-giving period.

Feeling like you want to mainline Chubby Hubby and binge-watch “House of Cards” is perfectly normal, but feeling like you are “gross” is not. You do not have to ride a horse in white stretch jeans, because you may feel like crap. But did you know that orgasm is one of the best treatments for menstrual cramps? You can always give yourself one, but eventually you may feel ready to let your boyfriend help you with that process. Go slow, communicate, and explore your boundaries, always keeping a pint of Ben and Jerry’s at arm’s reach.

I Don’t Know How to Masturbate. Really. 

Dear Stefanie,

I came late to masturbation – LOL. But seriously, I didn’t start until I was 18, and I’m 23 now. I shared a bedroom with my older sister growing up, and there was no privacy in there. I must have been about 12 the one time I tried to do it under the covers while I thought she was sleeping, but she said “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” and that nipped it in the bud. We only had one bathroom, and I was forever being pressured to hurry the hell up, so it was a miracle if I got my contact lenses in – there was no time for self-pleasure. Since then, I’ve tried using my hand, a sex toy someone gifted me in college, and the faucet in the shower, but something seems to be wrong. It takes a really long time to bring myself to orgasm, and sometimes I can’t get there at all. I don’t have a crazy sex life, but when I do hook up, I probably come 2 out of every 10 times, and just barely. Is there something wrong with my clitoris, vagina, or brain? I am not a dummy – I have read everything there is to read about the way these body parts are connected, yet still – I believe masturbation/orgasms could be so much better, more efficient, and satisfying in general.

I Touch Myself (and nothing happens)

Dear Touch,

You are a smart cookie, and I like your sass – you know that self-pleasure is just as important as partner-pleasure. Good on you. First, it doesn’t sound like there is anything physically wrong with you, as you can orgasm – it’s just harder to get there and it doesn’t happen as often as you want it to. However, if you haven’t talked to your friendly neighborhood gynecologist about this – I would encourage you to take advantage of Obamacare and get your feet in some stirrups. My suspicion is that this all goes back to sharing a room with your sister and being rushed out of the bathroom by your family. Experiences like this can imprint our young brains with a major shame tattoo, and lasering that sucker off can take some work. Every time you considered pleasuring yourself, you didn’t even have a safe space in which to contemplate doing so. Most people experience shame associated with masturbation, thanks to culture and family. You had that typical shame, and then your sister yelled at you for touching yourself when you were young and impressionable. The extreme lack of privacy in your house made you feel like you’d be found out at any moment, and stopped you from experiencing a normal, healthy relationship with your body.

What’s your living situation now? Do you have a roommate? Are you still feeling privacy pressure? If you live with other people but have your own room, make sure there’s a robust lock on your door, to start. Worried about making too much noise? That’s what SoundCloud is for – crank it up. Could it be a time of day thing? Many people masturbate right before bed, but you might be exhausted and your body just isn’t in the mood to respond. Try changing up your timing – first thing in the morning, perhaps? You didn’t mention fantasies in your letter – that’s an important part of the masturbation matrix. Are you letting your mind wander where it wants to? Explore that, because it could be stymieing you. If your fantasy life seems to be functioning fine, it may be a matter of finding the sweet spot, so to speak. For many women, there is a very sensitive part of the clitoris – the upper left quadrant. See if you can locate this spot, and apply different kinds of pressure there – either with your finger or a toy. This might feel clinical at first, but it’s worth it. There are some excellent clitoral stimulators on the market – don’t be afraid to visit your local sex shop to find out what’s best for your needs. If you haven’t already come across (LOL) her work, Betty Dodson is the queen of all things masturbation — she is the pioneer on this subject and she’s still going.

Finally, and this might feel like a brave leap – might you consider Orgasmic Meditation? It’s a liberating tool that can help you bypass a lot of the stress and shame of “finding your orgasm.”

In closing, some wisdom from Lydia Lunch: “Pleasure is the ultimate rebellion.”

Love,

Stefanie

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie@ecosalon.com and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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