How far will the branding of Occupy Wall Street go?

For anyone born after 1965, the current political climate feels like we’re living the pages of a history book. But now, Flower Power is repackaged into 140 characters or less. An iconic image of young protesters flower-bombing police officers is replaced with a soon-to-be iconic image of an 84-year-old activist bombed with pepper spray. For many of us, supporting or opposing the ideals of Occupy Wall Street places us firmly in roles that feel familiar. We’re the hippies, now. The police. The veterans. The armchair activists. We are the American experience.

Except in the 21st century, there’s one big difference. Now, we’re being branded.

It’s ironic, really. Occupy Wall Street is a movement born from frustration with a perceived capitalist’s greed. People are angry, fed up, tired of seeing the inequities of a supposed democratic society washed and diluted into a sea of bad decisions and wasted money. And yet, simply, we are still a society that revolves around consumer demand.

Accordingly, “occupy” has become a buzz word with businesses using it to market themselves and pop culture infusing it into the vernacular. Just, how did we get here?

It started with a casting call on Craigslist. Unemployment rates for the under 25 crowd is at 18 percent, compared to the national average of 9 percent. Hence, young people are pissed. And MTV, the youth network, wanted in. “If you are over the age of 20 and appear to be between the ages of 20-24,” wrote the October 17th, 2011, posting, please send three recent photos and your bio to realworldcasthing@bunimmurray.com.

From this call came “True Life: I’m Occupying Wall Street,” where we met Bryan and Caitlin, two middle class youths disenchanted with their present and future prospects.

Then there was Jay Z’s line of Occupy Wall Street t-shirts. Last week, the rapper-mogul came under fire for marketing a line of Occupy Wall Street cotton shirts on his Rocawear clothing line – without planning on sharing the profits with the movement. Called a “scrotum” with the “political sensibility of a hood rat,” Jay Z was accused of cashing in on a movement that is protesting cashing in. Ironic, but not too.

The t-shirts inevitably disappeared from the Rocawear website.

Then “Occupy” started showing up in blog stories unconnected with the movement. Gawker called a New York Times report on the “sell-out” California college kid’s trend to “Occupy McMansions.” Twilight enthusiasts occupied “Twilight Street” ahead of the latest movie premiere in Los Angeles. In fact, “Occupy” is officially part of our vernacular, soon to be validated as a buzz word of 2011.

Hell, even the conscious businesses are getting in on it. A recent email blast went out from Solar Mosaic to “occupy” rooftops with solar energy. As the company’s enthusiastic press release writes, “Called Occupy Rooftops, this new wave in the Occupy movement is being spearheaded by solar finance company Solar Mosaic and 20 other companies and organizations to help people kick start a project on a building in their community such as a school, non-profit or place of worship.” For as little as $100, you too can have solar energy occupying your home.

It seems as if we’re drawing on Occupy Wall Street like a leviathan swirling around a fleet of rogue pirate ships captained by dashing, dread-headed swains. (Copyright, The Walt Disney Company.) It’s enough to leave you wondering, just who is occupying who?

But if it changes the way we think, does it matter? We are all consumers. In the end, remembering this may be one of the best ways to effect real change. We can choose not to buy from giant chain stores. We can choose to support American-made local businesses. We can invest and bank responsibly. We can buy ethical house wares and local, organic food. And yes, we can even consciously source our energy.

We are the 99%. Time to occupy our own choices.

Meet celebrities recently in the news who use their giant paychecks for good.

It’s Kim Kardashian’s world, we’re just living in it. Or so it would seem by the intense media onslaught covering the reality starlet’s $10 million wedding and subsequent divorce a mere 72 day later. A wedding her family is rumored to have been gifted despite collecting a $65 million fortune from their reality shows. But stay with me, I’m not here to wring my hands over Hollywood’s abundant cash flow but rather to call out the do-gooders of Tinsel Town.

There are many celebrities who use their fame and fortune for causes outside of having a hair stylist on call 24 hours a day. In fact, here are seven who have made recent headlines doing positive things for both population and planet.

Robert Pattinson builds a school for girls in Cambodia
Perhaps we all know Robert Pattinson best from his role as Reese Witherspoon’s grown-up son in 2004’s “Vanity Fair.” He also stole hearts as the doomed yet dashing Cedric Diggory in “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.” It’s possible he may have been in a vampire movie or two since then, I’m not sure.

Nonetheless, a family in Chicago recently paid $80,000 to meet with this little-known character actor. (Just kidding, I know he’s an attractive vampire.) And what did the dreamboat of a million sparkling dreams do with the money? Pattinson donated 100% of the proceeds to the Go Campaign, which is being used to build a home for PAGE (Program Advancing Girls Education) to educate teen girls in Cambodia. Pattinson is also donating a November private screening of “Breaking Dawn” in Los Angeles, where all proceeds will go to the Go Campaign.

Ashley Judd fights for family planning
This Kentucky-raised actress is well known for her good deeds. Among her acts of advocacy, Judd is a Global Ambassador for Population Services International (PSI), a leading global health organization dedicated to children’s health around the globe. Recently, on World Population Day, she sent out a call to arms in the fight for population control.

“As a woman, I believe it is essential to welcome men into the conversation,” she wrote for PSI. “According to World Health Organization statistics, approximately 1,000 women die every day from preventable causes related to pregnancy and childbirth.”

Russell Simmons advocates for marriage equality
The co-founder of Def Jam Records thinks that marriage is a human right for all people and made sure the state of New York knew it. Last June, same-sex couples were granted the right to marry in the Granite State in part because of the substantial support the movement received from the public. Simmons, a prominent New Yorker, made a video in support of marriage equality for the Human Rights Campaign. It played in taxi cabs all over New York City before the historic vote. In April, Simmons also received an Excellence in Media Award from GLAAD  (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation).

Ryan Seacrest uses his voice to help others
Yes, Ryan Seacrest of American Idol fame is actually an executive producer of the reality machine that is “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” At least the reality mogul is using some of his money for a good cause. His non-profit, The Ryan Seacrest Foundation, is building broadcast media booths called The Voice in pediatric hospitals across the nation. Sick children are able to host radio shows and broadcast on closed circuit television, as well as blog from the centers.

The first Voice was launched at Children’s Hospital of Atlanta, and Seacrest recently opened a second booth at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. “Moms will come up to me and say ‘My kid hasn’t gotten out of bed for weeks and for this today, they have.’ That means the world to me,” Seacrest recently told ABC 6 of Philadelphia. His goal is to bring more Voice booths to other hospitals across the nation.

Barry Manilow helps Joplin sing
Barry Manilow is known for writing the ballads and jazz songs of our childhood recitals. But did you know the legendary crooner recently donated $300,000 worth of instruments to tornado-ravaged schools in Joplin, Missouri? On May 22, 2011, a tornado destroyed much of Joplin, taking much of the local high school with it.

As Manilow told Rueters, “I know first-hand how invaluable music can be to get you through life’s tough times. It is an honor and a privilege to help these kids after such a disaster.” He then explained to some confused students that he was the “Justin Bieber of the 1970s.” Then he schooled them that music and passion are always the fashion.

Shakira shakes up a reason to learn
Columbian-born singer Shakira is best known for her Grammy-award winning music, but she’s also an inspired philanthropist. Growing up in Columbia, the singer witnessed the suffering of area street children. This moved the artist to create The Pies Descalzos Foundation, or the Barefoot Foundation. This organization works to reveal a sustainable model of education to help children in vulnerable communities. Shakira has helped found six schools since 2003 and recently opened a U.S. branch of her foundation. To top off her good deeds, she is a global ambassador for UNICEF.

Leonardo DiCaprio tweets for tigers
DiCaprio is well-known for his green advocacy. A committed environmentalist and activist, he wrote, narrated, and co-produced “The 11th Hour,” a film highlighting the eco-impact humans are having on the planet. Recently, DiCaprio spoke out (rather, tweeted) about the tragic Ohio Tiger killings, when 18 Bengal tigers were killed by sheriffs after their suicidal owner let them free. A devoted animal rights activist, DiCaprio has already lent his support to the Save the Tigers Now campaign.

Image: dpurdy/Flickr 

Watching “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” really is the most conscious thing we can do all week.

The other night, my husband and I performed a newly-established ritual in our marriage. “I’m going to watch the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills now,” I defiantly told my significant other, who glanced up long enough from grading papers to roll his eyes and turn up NPR. “You know, Michelle Obama watches. Her husband, the President, admitted it,” I added. I know this hard fact because I also following each viewing by a bracing read of gossip columns about the Housewives.

But back to my staged rebellion against everything.

“And your professor friend watches the Housewives. With her PhD. She told me,” I shrilled like Justin Beiber before marching into the living room. Once there, I set myself in front of the television, stabbing the remote rebelliously at the TV. I wasn’t fabricating defensive drama at all. I was being real. Housewife real.

Sure, the Beverly Hills Housewives might come off as shallow, anti-intellectual wannabes obsessed with money and eternal youth supplied by a plastic surgeon’s needle. But the rest of us know that the women from the RHOBH are really just socially-conscious wunderkinder inspiring us all to make the world a better place. There has to be redemption in watching this series. My sheer force of furious typing says so. Consequently, I present the three lessons of conscious living. It’s all about the journey, people.

First, they teach us to appreciate our faces. If you were to rewind time-lapse photography on most of the Housewives upper bodies, you would either discover a decomposing rabbit or find that they were once extremely lovely sans Botox and fillers. As someone who is of Housewife-friendly age, I can assert that sometimes our bodies just want to get on with it. Eventually, we all start to treat our skin and digestive tracks with more attention than we ever thought possible. But when we know it can swiftly be erased with the mere swipe of a cosmetic procedure, we learn to appreciate our flaws more.

Bullying awareness from the Housewives

Second, the Housewives provide useful public service announcements about bullying. A recent episode involved the Housewives transported via time machine back to 7th grade. It went something like this: a Housewife hosts a party. Two Housewives decide they don’t like the New Girl. When the New Girl fights back, all hell breaks loose. Dialogue includes things like “Bring it, bitch,” “She’s mean. I don’t like it. Make it stop,” and don’t forget, “Yes, I am a slut.” Really, we’ve all just received an important Schoolhouse Rock about the dangers of middle-aged bullying.

Finally, they promote animal-friendly living. Housewife Lisa VanderPump famously waggles her Pomeranian Giggy all over the west side of Los Angeles. Giggy dines at the finest restaurants. Giggy drinks out of expensive water glasses. Giggy has 37,235 followers on Twitter. Dame VanderPump has raised the bar on animal acceptance. Now it’s just up to us to train our flopping Labradors and unappreciative Persians to appreciate the finer things in life.

Really, it’s like the RHOBV (or Really Hoping Michelle Obama Believes in Vices) are the Mother Theresa’s of the West Coast. You can join the First Lady and me to watch these selfless ladies on Monday nights on Bravo at 10pm.

Will you survive a pandemic?

Steven Soderbergh’s Contagion opened last weekend to reviews written by the glow of a thousand hand-sanitizer chemicals. This medical thriller tells the story of a lethal pandemic sweeping the globe as the medical community fights for a cure. Meanwhile, everyone else fights for truth, justice, and the American way – if the American way means bureaucratic angling for a vaccine while pharmaceutical companies count dollar signs from bunkers 50 feet below the surface of the earth.

Soderbergh taunts us again and again with a question that feels uncomfortably realistic: what would you do in a pandemic? Would you hunker down in your shed next to a stack of Twinkies with a shot-gun trained at the door, would you live-blog the event from your dark apartment promoting FTC-compliant homeopathic cures, or would you maintain your dignity while heroically saving the world and the last Rhesus Monkey with disturbingly gentle eyes?

Contagion offers us several lessons of conscious living in the event of a global medical crisis. Lessons of truth, lessons of sacrifice, and lessons of amazing skin tone achieved through truth and sacrifice. We’ve listed them below with spoilers. Lots of spoilers.

Handsome bloggers with questionable teeth speak the truth while the government lies. (Or do they?)
When we first meet Alan Krumwiede (Jude Law), he is a “freelance journalist” storming out of the offices of the San Francisco Chronicle when they won’t cover his blog about a strange death on YouTube. (Law’s handsome looks are made blogger-real by a prosthetic snaggle-tooth.)

His character becomes a paranoid prophet to 12 million followers as he searches for the truth. But is Krumwiede really the ultimate conscious writer bound to integrity? Only his fake tooth knows the truth.

Bottled water will not save you.
Environmentalists go on and go and on about the evils of bottled water. “The plastic makes baby dolphins cry” and “The water isn’t cleaner than your tap.” All true. But as bottled water is snatched off shelves in this movie by panicked mobs, virus germs start flying about the grocery store like winged wee-beasties gunning for any visible mucus membrane.

Meanwhile, one can only assume the conscious-living folk are safely at home, sipping their tap water out of stainless-steel BPA-free containers.

Neither will hand-sanitizer.
Sure, no one listens to you when you spout about the dangers of overusing hand sanitizers. Triclosan, its main ingredient, may help create bacteria that are resistant to antibiotics.

So when the pandemic hits the fan, are you going to want to be facing it with an awesomely-developed immune system or a bottle of triclosan dripping all over your hands?

The importance of luminous skin in a world-saving heroine cannot be emphasized enough.
The greatest lesson of this movie is to Stop. Touching. Your. Face. (And giving germs quick entry.) But if you must touch your face, make sure it is to apply a good moisturizer.

Several of the heroes of this film are doctors who work for the Center for Disease Control (CDC) and World Health Organization (WHO). They are played by Kate Winslet, Jennifer Ehle, and Marion Cotillard, a trio of gorgeous women who could collectively stand on a beachfront and make like a super-human lighthouse to ships passing at sea.

If you are in touch with your humanity, you get to live.
See, it pays to be sensitive and conscious. At least if you are gentle-souled Mitch Emhoff (Matt Damon), who shepherds his teenaged daughter through the pandemic with a superior immune system and many empathetic looks.

As the movie’s moral Everyman, Mitch holds our hand through the scary parts and totally understands when we get up to wash them afterwards.

If you aren’t in touch with humanity, you get to kill the planet – Gwyneth.
The fact that Soderbergh cast Gwyneth Paltrow, the Queen of Unconscious Blogging, as Typhoid Mary/Beth Emhoff seems almost too literal. Ultimately, it is Beth and her adulterous ways who unleash the virus upon North America.

But while Gwyneth of GOOP can laud a “gorgeously-textured [$2595] Prada satchel” and prattle about “a delightfully laborious Labor Day weekend in Venice, Italy,” does she really deserve to get her scalp peeled back for an autopsy to reveal her brain is mush?

Corporations and governments are in cahoots. (Wait, didn’t we already know this?)
In Contagion, corporations honor the Almighty Dollar Sign over human health while the government enables them to do so. Meanwhile, doctors wring their hands at the bureaucratic red-tape they must cut through while they’re just trying to get the damn job done.

But then, maybe these are just the ravings of a crazed blogger conspiracy theorist who plays with her hair while she types. Or his prosthetic snaggle tooth. The truth is out there, people.

In the end, rhesus monkeys save our asses. Again.
H1N1, Avian Flu 1, SARS are all viruses whose vaccines have arrived the backs of animals. This movie doesn’t shy away from that fact. There’s no way PETA would approve a movie that shows medical scientists carting away rhesus monkeys in bloody, plastic bags.

But it is the gentle eyes of a sad test monkey who finally compels hero Doctor Ally Hextall (Jennifer Ehle) to plunge the test vaccine into her own thigh. And consequently, save humanity.

We salute you nevertheless, Mr. Rhesus Monkey.

Author Katherine Butler imagines what Heather Morris’ diary entries would look like if she were the black-eyed starlet.

Tuesday
Dear Diary,
So tomorrow’s the big day, and I am soooo nervous. I mean, I’m shooting with Tyler Shields. Tyler Shields! You know, the guy who photographed Lindsay Lohan holding a gun to her head and had everyone freaking out? I mean, I’m sure Tyler didn’t mean for it to come off like she wants to kill herself. Even when she was all bloody and holding a knife in her bloody mouth. Right?

Isn’t that just art? And I’m not the only one who says so. ArtInfo tasked Tyler why he likes to depict young starlets in violent positions. They even asked him why rape and blood are reoccurring themes in his pictures. Gross, right? But he said he it’s all about perspective. He said “Maybe dominance is a better word than rape” and “I’m not into the idea of the raping of women, but I think it can be sexy. I think in a dominant situation, dominance can be sexy.” So, it’s totally cool. Rape isn’t cool, but it can be sexy because being dominating is sexy! So rape is sexy! Wait, no, that’s not what he meant. Was it?

Anyway, my agents think it’s a good idea to shoot with Tyler. La Agent even said my image needs some “edge.” I mean, Emma Roberts shot with Tyler and there wasn’t THAT much blood. It wasn’t even on her. And she’s Julia’s niece, Hollywood royalty, so you know it’s okay.

Wednesday
Dear Diary,
Oh. My. God. Today was the photo shoot with Ty and it’s was crazy. But like, crazy in the good way. I think. I mean, I can’t get this makeup off my face for anything. I think I need makeup to cover up my makeup – I read somewhere that greenish colors can hide bruises, does that count if the bruises are fake?

Here’s the haps, though. I didn’t end up holding a gun or bleeding externally or anything (yay!), but Tyler had this idea that I be a “bruised-up Barbie doll.” I don’t really know what that meant, but he was just so sweet, and then everyone was so friendly and asking me if I was comfortable or relaxed or thirsty. I was really thirsty – how did he know? – and they were so generous with the water. Why is water always so good when you’re thirsty?

Anyway, back to the shoot. I asked Tyler if he was going to make me all bloody, and he was like “No way, you’re so beautiful and pure. You’re like a Barbie doll. But Barbie’s plastic, and you’re this gorgeous, beautiful, vulnerable woman. You’re so real, baby doll. And you know what’s real? Bruises. Bruises that powerful women get while bound at the wrists with wire from household appliances. It totally makes sense, trust me. I’m an artist.”

I thought that sounded a little strange, but then the crew started joining in. CeeCee the makeup artist was like “Let’s just try a little plum makeup under your eye” and the next thing I knew, I had a black eye! It was so weird. I felt a little strange and thought of those pictures of Rihanna when Chris Brown beat her up. I asked Tyler about that, so he said we should do a pose where I’m attacking him with my iron. So I’m the one in control. And we were smiling all wacky. I look like I’m getting beaten up, but I’m having fun. So it’s a cool message to be sending.

La Agent just called and said she saw the shots and I look totally gorgeous. “It’s just what you need, sweetie, to get your name out there. The bloggers are going to go nuts. You’re so in!” I’m excited – bloggers can be kind of mean, but I made art and people are going to talk about it. What could go wrong?

Thursday
Dear Diary,
Oh my God, the pictures just went viral! Here they are. People are calling me the meanest names. They think we’re glorifying violence against women! Tyler called Ryan Seacreast or E News or something and said we weren’t. He told them what he told me, “We wanted to do a bruised-up Barbie shoot and that’s exactly what we did!”

I mean, I guess I can see why people are so upset. But we didn’t mean that way! I meant for people to talk about me, and Tyler meant for people to still think he’s super controversial and relevant.

Friday
Dear Diary,
Sighs. Someone even said we looked like we were making violence look enjoyable because I’m smiling in the shoot. Don’t they know I’m an actress? I have to smile! And plus, my eye’s not even bloodshot. If someone had really punched me, I bet I’d have a bloodshot eye. It’s totally not realistic that my eye would be so clear and blue. So isn’t it obvious it’s fake?

And sometimes women get black eyes when they’re like, being athletic. Maybe I had just been like boxing in my dress right before ironing? I’m totally sure that’s happened at some point. It’s really feminist if you think about it.

Some hyper woman from some women’s group sent me some statistics. So one out of four women has experienced domestic abuse in her lifetime. And nearly three out of four women know someone who has been abused. And on average, more than three women and one man are murdered by their partners every day in this country.

Okay, yeah, that’s a lot of people. Their point is that domestic violence is really serious and people don’t think that a pretty actress with clear eyes and good teeth should be smiling through it like it’s fun.

Saturday
Dear Diary,
Okay, so much better! TMZ just reported that Ty totally has things under control. After TMZ called our pictures “brutal” they then said Tyler will be auctioning off the photo of me with the black eye, starting at $100k, and will donate “every single cent he makes to a stop domestic violence charity.” That’s so sweet! I mean, I guess he could just donate the money himself and not like, auction it first. But someone’s going to buy it and like hang it up as art. Because doesn’t being against domestic violence mean you get to hang a picture of a battered woman in your home? Art can’t be considered wrong, because it’s art. So there.

Monday
Dear Diary,
Whew, what a ride. It’s a holiday weekend and I think the coast is clear. But you know what? I totally learned an important message. If you do something that’s going to offend people, you win. La Agent called and said hits are SO UP on my name and that everyone is talking about me. Just like we meant them too! Even people who are being mean to me are just feeding the machine. Maybe the United Nations will ask me to be an ambassador for goodwill or hope or something? What if George Clooney wants to star with me?  Hooray for Hollywood! Xoxox HM

Photos courtesy of Tyler Shields.

ColumnWhere celebrity becomes conscious.

The stock market is on a roller coaster, financial oligarch Warren Buffet is calling for all the other financial oligarchs to get real, and everyone has been holding their breath about Greece. Such are the times. We  would all do well to tighten our belts and remember that life isn’t about material things.

Unless you’re in a Hollywood movie, that is. Tinsel Town is notorious for glamorizing materialism and consumption. A movie shopping montage can look as all-American cool as James Dean slouched over in a leather jacket. Today, James would now be entirely represented by Ryan Gosling’s six-pack abs.

Films and sitcoms have long been guilty of bumping up the characters’ environs a tax bracket or two beyond realistic. But in the current economic climate (not to mention climate climate), some films are particularly jarring – a rather sad retrospective on a society that’s consumed itself like some mythical Greek tragedy. Or, cinema is about fantasy and we’re no fun. Only our closets and bank accounts can decide. Herewith, the seven most materialistic movies to date:

Sex and the City 2 (2010)

This sequel behaved exactly like a feral puppy holding our favorite adolescent book in its mouth – it shook and snarled and shattered our happy memories of a fantastic HBO series until all that was left were sloppy, spit-soaked scraps on the floorboards. For many, this is what happened when Sex and the City was first brought to the big screen in 2008. For almost all, the 2010 sequel was the final nail in their gold-plated coffin.

The plot of this movie entailed taking our favorite female Manhattanites, Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda, and propping them against miles and miles of Gucci, Dior, and Prada. Our gang eventually heads to Saudi Arabia, only to find they aren’t so welcome in Islamic culture. But not to worry, Saudi women are fine. Underneath their Hijabs and Abayas are just more Gucci, Dior, and Prada. Can we say ridiculous, racist, and radically offensive consumerism? Yes, we can.

Crazy Stupid Love (2011)

It’s no secret we love Ryan Gosling. Nonetheless, his latest movie didn’t even bother to keep consumerism in check. The plot runs something like this: Gosling helps the old guy become cool, get girls and get laid by buying clothes. Don’t worry; he’s got a trust fund! And did we mention that old guy’s ex-wife lives in a sprawling home that is totally unrealistic for a middle class Los Angeles family? Yes, it’s 2011 and we’re still making these sorts of movies.

Pretty Woman (1990)

Evidently, what makes a great antidote to a soul-shattered life filled with prostitution, murder, and drug use is shopping on Rodeo Drive! Just make sure your “heart of gold” charms your John into leaving you with a credit card you can thumb in the noses of snobby Beverly Hills salesgirls. We acknowledge that Edward and Vivian rode off into the sunset together at the end of the movie, happily in love. After all, isn’t selling your body for money romantic? (We prefer to be called realists.)

Marie Antoinette (2006)

Marie Antoinette is not exactly known in history for her socially-conscious contributions to society. So a flashy, updated biopic on her life shouldn’t be expected to read like a remake of Gandhi. However, Sofia Coppola’s ill-fated French queen was compared to a modern day Paris Hilton. What gave critics that idea? Possibly the miles and miles of film focused on shoes, couture, hairstyles and more. Was it all bad? The film boasts an incredible soundtrack (New Order, anyone?) and is gorgeously shot against Versailles itself. Consumerism is made hip, cool, and pretty – and ultimately, deadly.

Clueless (1995)

Is it ironic that a film about materialism stars one of the Hollywood’s green darlings? As if! Cher, played by vocal vegan and PETA pin-up Alicia Silverstone, shops her way around this update of Jane Austen’s Emma. Problems are solved if only the right outfit can be found. In the end, our Cher-Emma-Alicia finds true love with her socially-conscious step-brother. So maybe this was just art imitating an eventual reality for the lovely Ms. Silverstone.

Confessions of a Shopaholic (2009)

This film about a shopping addict who falls for a wealthy entrepreneur had the misfortune of debuting just after the dawn of the Great Recession. As one review wrote in 2009, “When P.J. Hogan’s out-of-step comedy was conceived, conspicuous consumption was the norm. Yet here we are, only nine months after the [first] Sex and the City movie and an obsessive spender with an overstuffed closet, and credit card bills to match, no longer seems quite so cute.”

The Devil Wears Prada (2006)

Set at Runway (aka Vogue) magazine, Anne Hathaway’s Andy Sachs finds her fight to the top is streamlined once she raids the hallowed halls of the magazine’s sample closet. We’re even treated to a montage of amazingly-styled outfits as Andy makes her way to work through the streets of New York City. (See? We’re not total shopping curmudgeons.)

But how did Andy justify the new wardrobe? There’s some lip service that she gets the clothes for free via Stanley Tucci’s benevolent godfather-style tutelage. But could a Conde Nast assistant ever afford such a wardrobe without a healthy bank account not possibly acquired solely as a Conde Nast assistant? Not likely. And did she really need it? Only in the minds of a Hollywood executive.

This is the latest installment in Katherine Butler’s column, Shade Grown Hollywood, where celebrity becomes conscious. “Shade grown” refers literally to shade grown coffee, a farming method that “incorporates principles of natural ecology to promote natural ecological relationships.” Shade Grown is our sustainable twist on Hollywood.

Image: zoonabar

ColumnWhere celebrity becomes conscious.

Like the hair standing up on the back on your neck just before a thunderstorm, you can feel it coming.

You’re sitting in a movie theater, temporarily blinded by the pyrotechnics on-screen. The Earth is being saved by some strapping Everyman. Evil has been defeated.

Everyman stretches out his toned arm to grab the hand of the grateful female companion, who falls into his arms weeping. They kiss as she clings to his arm, fulfilling her role as an accessory to the hero. Meet the Pointless Female Character, that female lead who exists for pep talks, inspiration, and long-drawn out cinematic kisses. Only after being saved by the male lead, naturally.

True, Pointless Female Character (PFC), also known as “insert hot chick for obligatory shallow romance scenes,” tends to show up in male-dominated audiences looking for more mass explosions than mass marketing. And we realize it is our choice to watch these movies, if by choice you mean it’s the only movie playing on an island and you’re just looking for something to do with your in-laws that doesn’t involve talking about when you’re going to finally have a baby. But that doesn’t mean we can’t reclaim our flighty sister from movie screens.

And so, here are eight Pointless Female Characters most in need of a decent character arc. Or crossbow. Even a pair of roller skates to escape?

Mikaela Banes (Megan Fox) of Transformers and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Perhaps Queen of the PFCs, the gorgeous Ms. Banes is best known for her excellent posing skills over a hot rod and her ability to clutch her boyfriend’s hand while running in heels. (Try it, it’s impossible.) Co-star Shia LaBeouf peddled the rumor that director Michael Bay found Fox “too feminist” for the franchise. Consequently, Bay replaced her in the third Tranformers film with supermodel Rosie Huntington-Whitley. An actual lingerie model. Point taken, Michael Bay.

Jessica Simpson: Collected Works
We refer you to Simpson as Daisy Duke in The Dukes of Hazard reboot and Amy in Employee of the Month. But Ms. Simpson, who had peddled her name into a billion dollar fashion brand, is likely the last one laughing.

Mary Corleone (Sofia Coppola) of The Godfather, Part III
When one character can almost single-handedly sink a masterpiece franchise, you wonder if she was really necessary. When Francis Ford Coppola cast his daughter Sofia in the role of Mary Corleone in his final Godfather movie, he redefined the destructive power of nepotism on film. (SPOILER: Think I exaggerated? Did you want to cheer at the end when Mary fell victim to her father’s legacy of crime? I thought so.) We will never know for sure if it was Coppola’s portrayal of Miss Corleone that led to her PFC status or simply her character arc. But finding out the truth is an offer we can refuse.

Jenny Everdeane (Cameron Diaz) of Gangs of New York
Miss Everdeane of the Martin Scorsese classic knew how to flip a bedraggled flounce like the sassy Irish-bred lass she set out to be. Sure, she created some cinematic tension for hero Amsterdam Vallon (Leonardo DiCaprio). But we wanted to see more of Jenny and her Dickensian ways.

Mia Toretto (Jordana Brewster) of The Fast and the Furious
When we first met Mia, she was the verging-on-jailbait younger sister in the Toretto car-racing crime family, whose felonies were masked by many hearts-of-gold. But really, she just served as a prop to fall into the arms of G-man turned wild card Brian O’Connor (Paul Walker).

Grace Stamper (Liv Tyler) of Armageddon
Stamper supported her father (Bruce Willis) and boyfriend (Ben Affleck) as they flew off into space to literally save the planet. We get it, Grace, you’re noble and self-sacrificing. So why didn’t you get to save the Earth with the rest of your rag-tag compatriots? Because posing heroically in vintage dresses against swells of patriotic soundtracks just looks better.

Sam (Natalie Portman) of Garden State
She’s quirky! She’s lovable! She’s gorgeous! She’s also a completely unrealistic fantasy of morose guys everywhere who think that pouting their way through North Jersey is endearing. Yes, adorable Sam is everything a hipster would like to find visiting his forgotten homeland. But she seems to have a perfectly lovely life before she meets Andrew Largeman (Zach Braff). Any girl worth her Shin’s subscription would know to keep clear of him. And yet…does she?

Lily (Mila Kunis) of Black Swan
I know, I know, technically Lily wasn’t completely pointless. Her sex scene with Nina (Natalie Portman) gave men an excuse to see a ballet movie. (Lest you doubt me, see Portman’s statement to Entertainment Weekly: “I remember them being like, ‘How do you get guys to a ballet movie? How do you get girls to a thriller?’ And the answer is a lesbian scene. Everyone wants to see that.”) Okay, sure, Lily was also the dark side of Nina which may or may not have eventually consumed the tragic ballerina, depending on how many cocktails you had before you saw the movie. So really, wasn’t Lily just a PFC in a tutu? Or did she just use a stunt PFC? We will never know for sure.

This is the latest installment in Katherine Butler’s column, Shade Grown Hollywood, where celebrity becomes conscious. “Shade grown” refers literally to shade grown coffee, a farming method that “incorporates principles of natural ecology to promote natural ecological relationships.” Shade Grown is our sustainable twist on Hollywood.

Image: zunami, David Jones

ColumnWhere celebrity becomes conscious.

“Amy Winehouse’s musical legacy will live on” one headline trumpeted in the days after her death at age 27. Winehouse was a true talent and a masterful artist. She was also a known user who most likely passed away as a result of her drug addiction. Her death has brought on a myriad of diverse reactions from people, from pity to despair to cynicism to cruelty. When we react en masse to a celebrity death, what are we really saying about ourselves?

In recent years, drug addiction as portrayed by the media usually follows this line. First, we watch the paparazzi document a fall outside of a night club. Or maybe there’s a stumble in a bar. This brings on blog postings and online rants about bad behavior or domestic abuse or criminal intentions. Concerts or television shows are cancelled. Someone gets fired. And when we ultimately wake up to a headline sharing the death of said celebrity, most of us sigh. We knew it was coming. We were just powerless to stop it.

When anyone young dies, it’s terribly tragic. When anyone young and talented dies, it’s just as terribly tragic. Winehouse made no secret of her struggle with addiction. As the lyrics to perhaps her most famous song “Back to Black” read, “I love you much, it’s not enough/You love blow and I love puff/And life is like a pipe/And I’m a tiny penny rolling up the walls inside.” So when for all intents and purposes it looks like “they killed themselves” from a drug overdose, we have an opinion. Boy, do we ever.

Some of us react like proper grandmothers who can’t admit the darker aspects of life. At least, People Magazine did when they trumpeted that no drugs were found at the scene of Winehouse’s death. Maybe there weren’t. But why the pearl-clutching insistence of telling us so?

Others were cynical. As greenwhichavenue17 wrote on Gawker, “Are we supposed to be sad about Amy Whinehouse? She had the life expectancy of a peach.”

Some insisted on keeping the humor wagon rolling. On Twitter, @ Lord_Voldemort7 shared “#amywinehouse has died. The cause of death is unknown but there are rumors Mrs. Weasley mistook her for Bellatrix Lestrange…”

Others were angry: @HCapers tweeted, “These folks are so ignorant speaking of#amywinehouse death. Yes she was a crack head but she was also a human being! Show some respect!!”

Others were celebratory about her music: @KatieinTO on Twitter shared, “Back on Black on repeat today, such an awesome album.”

Perhaps AnnV6 on Gawker summed it up best: “After what happened to Amy, the stories about Lindsay [Lohan, partying in a bar] and reaction to them just gives me the chills. This is why addiction is such a powerful and difficult disease, it’s the only disease people are allowed to be mad at you for having.”

After all, addiction by our own government’s definition is a mental illness. As the National Institute for Drug Abuse writes, “Addiction changes the brain in fundamental ways, disturbing a person’s normal hierarchy of needs and desires and substituting new priorities connected with procuring and using the drug.”

What do all these comments have in common? Likely, it is that they routed in personal experience, subconscious or otherwise. Some statistics show that “one of every eight Americans has a significant problem with alcohol or drugs” while “by age eighteen, almost 12 percent of all young people are illicit drug users.” You would be hard pressed to find someone who hasn’t struggled with addiction on some level, be it through their own experience or that of a loved one.

In the end, our collective response reflects our own frustrations that we couldn’t do more. That we saw it coming. As if we are, in fact, part of Winehouse’s collective family. So then, let’s leave the final word on her death with her father. As Mitch Winehouse shared, his daughter had recently told him “Dad, I’ve had enough, I can’t stand the look on you and the family’s faces anymore.” Sadly, it’s a look the reacting public perhaps knows too well.

This is the latest installment in Katherine Butler’s column, Shade Grown Hollywood, where celebrity becomes conscious. “Shade grown” refers literally to shade grown coffee, a farming method that “incorporates principles of natural ecology to promote natural ecological relationships.” Shade Grown is our sustainable twist on Hollywood.

ColumnWhere celebrity becomes conscious.

As my grandmother used to mysteriously intone over her crochet needles, “Even kittens can scratch.” Are we really inferring that the adorable, cuddly spawns of joy positioned on celebrity hips everywhere are anything but angels from above? No, the innocents of Hollywood’s loins are blameless. But the media detailing their every move for our tabloid pleasure? There’s some Rosemary in that baby. The cult of baby is careening out of control in Hollywood, and I’m calling for some deprogramming before it’s too late.

You can’t click on a blog these days without seeing a Shiloh, Suri, Kingston, Cruise, or Stefani modeling a new faux hawk or splashing about a swimming pool with their mother. People Magazine has an entire online section devoted to the progeny of celebrity. Headlines such as “Jenna Fisher is having a boy,” “Pink was looking forward to a natural birth,” and “The Beckhams introduce [daughter] Harper Seven” leap from the screen, daring you to click on the private lives of celebrities. And like moths drawn to the adorable flame, we click, we post, we comment. But why?

There is perhaps nothing more intimate on the planet than the act of giving birth. Up until the 1930s, childbirth was essentially one drawn-out Dark Age, often shrouded in grim statistics of low infant survival and high mother and child mortality. Organized medicine and germ theory stepped in, bringing births out of the home and into hospitals. But this meant the birthing process became a sterile event often involving excessive drugs and isolation.

As Discovery Health writes of the mid-20th century birthing process:

The fear of infection, a major killer of mothers and babies, led to such practices as taking away all a woman’s personal belongings when she entered the hospital; shaving all her pubic hair; administering large, uncomfortable enemas; prohibiting fathers and other loved ones from entering the maternity area; keeping babies in nurseries, away from their mothers; and handling babies as little as possible.

Thankfully, times have changed, and women are much more in control of childbirth at the dawn of the 21st century. So when someone else invites us into their birthing process, there’s a secret elation at seeing what was previously forbidden. We want the gory details. Photos? Put them up. C-section or natural birth? Tell it, sister. Perhaps this explains what’s driving the celebrity baby industry, especially exacerbated since the arrival of the internet. It’s the dawning of the Age of Overshare, and our broadening online village lets us feel like we’re personally invested in, say, Victoria Beckham’s newborn daughter.

Not to mention, we get the details and we get to have an opinion. As Brianne posted on People’s celebrity baby blog regarding another celebrity (and former Spice Girl) pregnancy, “Mel, I can hardly wait for this baby to get here! Emma and Jade had their second son, Tate, in May, and Harper Seven Beckham is 8 days old! Boy or girl, I’m SOOOOO happy for you and Stephen, so all the best!!!” There’s nothing wrong with someone’s obvious enjoyment on weighing on the impending birth of a person she’s never met. (We assume apologies to Brianne if she’s a close personal friend of said Spice Girl.) The fact that we get a voice at all now seems expected or even natural to us. Ultimately, we seem to have crossed a line where we’re eager to place ourselves into the most intimate components of stranger’s lives as a form of entertainment.

Actress Isla Fisher and her baby bump on the red carpet.

And then there’s the fantasy factor. Motherhood can be one of the most powerful experiences on the planet. So when it is touted on the red carpet, latest maternity fashions on hand, we feel like we’re getting a glimpse of what it means to be perfect and pregnant. Our current celebrity culture is just a reflection on our ideals or thoughts on fashion, style, and ultimately social acceptance. So we, and by extension the media, are making mountains out of celebrity diapers. Celebrities are supposed to be our cooler cousins, our fantasy extensions of the self. So are their pregnancies, and consequent children, part of the fantasy? Or do we really just want to see them struggle in a parking lot holding a baby carrier and an overloaded diaper bag?

How do celebrities feel about this? It’s hard to imagine Jennifer Garner calls out the paparazzi for her Brentwood family jaunts any more than Reese Witherspoon invites photographers to her children’s birthday parties at Disneyland. Just like us, they likely enjoy taking their children out of the house and into public spaces. This simple act can be a terrifying event – I’ve been caught in a paparazzi crush several times on the streets of Hollywood, and I feel like I’ve barely lived to tell about it. So what does an experience like that do to a child? Only tattered security blankets may tell the tale.

Even the celebrities invite attention to their children. TV actress Elisabeth Rohm blogs regularly for People Magazine, recently detailing how she and her child dealt with the loss of her favorite stuffed animal. 90210 actor Ian Ziering does the same for celebrity fathers. Its mommy-blogging gone Hollywood and it’s no different than the Facebook forums and WordPressed articles we’re sharing amongst ourselves.

Let’s say you decide to forgo the baby bump in Hollywood? You are still risking the ire of the public. Last year, the bloggers at Babble infamously asked us to consider “The [Jennifer] Aniston syndrome” by investigating the soon-to-be barren wombs of some of Hollywood’s leading ladies. After creating a storm of controversy, Babble apologized and pulled the blog, but not before I wrote about it, as well as did several other disgusted bloggers.

Hollywood’s baby coverage is just business as usual. Outside of the confines of Tinsel Town, women regularly wrestle with the decision to have kids, career, or both. With a distinct “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” mentality, we’re applauded for having babies. And if you’re childless? Everyone wants to know why. After all, we’re entitled to know – aren’t we?

So really, Hollywood is just one giant Thanksgiving dinner table filled with your nosy aunts and inquiring cousins. When we endure the “when are you going to have a baby?” question casually tossed over the gravy bowl, we’re really just standing in a supermarket checkout line eyeing the tabloid headlines detailing the adventures of the Jolie-Pitt child crew of six. Once again, we’re playing out our own fears in one big cultural Meta monster. Except this monster breeds.

This is the latest installment in Katherine Butler’s column, Shade Grown Hollywood, where celebrity becomes conscious. “Shade grown” refers literally to shade grown coffee, a farming method that “incorporates principles of natural ecology to promote natural ecological relationships.” Shade Grown is our sustainable twist on Hollywood.

Image: lsuchick142/Flickr

ColumnWhere celebrity goes conscious.

When she stepped out with Sean Penn for a breezy walk on a Hollywood trail, Scarlett Johansson committed several unspeakable acts. First, she had forgone her Spanx under her workout wear, second, she was wearing leggings, best friends to the muffin top, and third, she had likely just (prepare yourself) eaten.

Tabloids and bloggers sprung into action as if the Holy Trinity (Brad, Angelina, and random child) had appeared ascending from the heavens over the Hollywood sign. Hands were wrung. Was Scarlett pregnant? Was Sean the father? And then, the truth. Scarlett’s rep informed People Magazine, “She’s outside running and it’s simply the placement of her shirt that is misleading.” Next, “She was followed and photographed for over 20 minutes and I’m sure there are other photos in the series that show and prove that she is not pregnant.” And finally, “She’s been training for The Avengers for over four months and is in the best shape of her life.” And as People Magazine concluded, “So there!”

(Yes, People Magazine, you aren’t the crazy tabloids, shaming celebrities for carrying more than lean muscle. You merely ask us to rate celebrities’ wardrobes, endlessly pitting Beyonce versus Julianne, Salma versus Kylie, and so on. It’s not the same thing.)

When and where will the madness stop? Society ravenously consumes celebrity, as it seems ingrained in our brains to judge each other and ourselves harshly. As Mikhail Lyubansky, Ph.D. recently pointed out in Psychology Today, “Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but the eyes see what culture socializes.” Our cultural zeitgeist calls for thin to be the standard for beauty, so we attack anyone who deviates. And perhaps we do so most viciously with those who are expected to conform to the highest standard of beauty. These people are supposed to be our beauty role models. The ones we think we’re supposed to look up to. How dare they deviate from the norm? Because if these actresses and celebrities can’t be our pretty picture reflections, where does that leave us?

It leaves us with one cumulative messed-up cultural body image. Here are the ten rules celebrities must follow to maintain a tabloid-approved body. (Warning: Deviation may cause pregnancy rumors, nasty blog headlines, and uncontrolled consumption of reactionary doughnuts.)

Your hairstyles are meant for our judgment.
Think your new bangs are delightful? Again, People Magazine offers a chance for their readers to set you straight.

If you gain more than 25 pounds, be sure to constantly remind everyone you’re losing it.
This is also known as the “It’s okay if I’m fat as long as I’m trying to lose the weight” deal.

If you gain less than 25 pounds, be sure to “embrace your curves” and then lose the weight in an exclusive magazine deal.
Jennifer Love Hewitt was famously photographed in 2008 carrying more than her usual weight. As the media descended on her, she wrote “To all girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist, put on a bikini – put it on and stay strong.” Right on, J Love! Or not. Soon Hewitt was posed on the cover of Us Magazine displaying a newly-toned body sans 18 pounds. Stay strong, but lose that weight.

Be identifiable only by your body parts.
As per this gallery provided by Us Magazine, you don’t need a face or personality to be recognizable – just a great pair of gams! Perfectly moisturized and toned, naturally.

If you’re going to wear clothes, make sure you wear them better than anyone else on the planet in any imaginable random combination.
Thanks People Magazine, for showing us that a jean jacket donned by a swimming pool and a jean jacket on the red carpet are interchangeable. Surely every starlet piecing together her wardrobe should feel ready to know she “wore it better.”

If you are pregnant, be prepared to simultaneously deliver a baby and your baby weight.
Celebrities are allowed to gain weight during pregnancy, but they must shed it immediately due to healthy eating and breast-feeding. And yes, this can happen naturally for some. It can also happen for others through plastic surgery, drugs, crash diets, insane workouts and every magazine’s friend Photoshop.

Pretend not to Botox. Then admit it in an exclusive to People Magazine.
Three words: The Nicole Kidman.

Your children are our style icons.
Shiloh Jolie-Pitt is five years old. Suri Cruise is five years old. (Does your head hurt yet?)

If you are healthy, you are curvy.
See: Kate Winslet, Queen Latifah, Jennifer Lawrence, Christina Hendricks, and Jessica Simpson.

If you want to be one of Us Magazine’s “Hot Bodies 2011,” make sure it means you are slim.
Glowing green smoothies, vegetable juice, and 1,100 to 1,350 calories per day should do the trick.

And to all this, we collectively say – enough. Is enough. Is enough. What is it going to take for us to stop obsessing over celebrity bodies, and in turn, our own? Can we band together and all agree to never discuss our size, weight, and eating habits ever again? Perhaps journalists can come together with a collective agreement to only ask celebrities about their careers, their causes, or their opinions on subjects that don’t have to do with stepping on a scale or a spin bike.

We are the consumers of celebrity culture. So the power lies with us to stop the madness. We can push back.

Or, we could just tweet this.

Ecosalon supports healthy body images in Hollywood. RT if you do too. @usweekly @peoplemag

Now if you’ll excuse me, a cupcake and beer await.

This is the latest installment in Katherine Butler’s column, Shade Grown Hollywood, where celebrity becomes conscious. “Shade grown” refers literally to shade grown coffee, a farming method that “incorporates principles of natural ecology to promote natural ecological relationships.” Shade Grown is our sustainable twist on Hollywood.