The shoppy ones? Check, please.

As if to match the excess of cakes and cookies and champagne of the holidays, the run up to the new year has been a media glut of roundups, predictions, trend pieces, and years-in-review – and not just at EcoSalon. Today is the first day of 2012, and while our managing editor has reminded me it’s better late than never for my own take on all the things, I’m not sure it’s better on the whole, on account of what I’ve learned in the process of writing this article.

I’ve learned that if you Google “culture trends 2012″ to research ideas for this article, you will turn up all sorts of trend forecasts, pages and pages of them, only they will not have anything at all to do with culture: not the kind of culture you wrote thirty pages about in graduate school that in hindsight seems so much less annoying than Powerpoint, not the hipster-meets-highbrow culture of McSweeney’s and Harper’s and the New Yorker of which you are so publicly fond, not even the pop culture slizzurp of “Last Friday Night” and dubstep of which you are merely privately fond in your car at extremely loud volumes until you pull up to a stop sign.

No, if you search for anything about cultural trends to attempt to pull together a thoughtful few paragraphs, you will instead be directed to all things consumer. Specifically, what consumers are going to want. And how to sell it to them more. You don’t even need to search “consumer trends” to learn about consumer trends. “Cultural trends 2012″ gets you the same ample linkbelly of commercial conflation:

Business News Daily ranks second in the first page of Google search results returned for my search on “cultural trends” despite having nothing at all to do with culture and everything to do with, I see what you did there, consumption. And this goes on and on for pages, for any number of culture trend related searches, on multiple engines. It would appear the most important cultural trends to watch in 2012 are the ones that make people shop, or help us understand how and why and where and when they shop or what they’re going to expect from their shop experience as they shop. And, shopping.

Has my Latin grown so rusty I’ve forgotten “culture” and “consumption” are one in the same? No, just my American.

The trouble with digging up meaningful ideas as societal guideposts for the coming year is that the sort of people and publications discussing these things aren’t about to do it in an easy-to-glean listicle for our ADHD-in-an-app convenience. The listicle, then, is the baby of the Marketing Firm PDF and FaceHuffBeastTwit.

There are the tech topics: screens, apps, mobile, are-we-or-are-we-not-doing-QR, all of which kind of makes me want to hurl my iPad at the next kid with a beard and a flannel shirt that is supported (crucially) by an arm band. The internet is the greatest thing, and the most important thing, of our lives. Think Wikileaks and the Arab Spring; think mass reorganization of production and the coming end of The Job; think information at your fingertips and GPS when you get lost. That doesn’t make me want to hurl my magical, revolutionary device. What does? That if they censor the internet, we will simply build a new one. That we shouldn’t just make more internet, but better internet.

There are the color trends of Pantone, where mugs help remind you that orange is for so much more than just annual squash slaughter. It’s for your stuff in your house, too! There are the 10 consumer trends of JWT, key among them: food as the defining eco issue to watch, the engineering of randomness for delight and discovery, and marriage? Optional. (Which would seem rather more like culture and less like consumer.)

Style, you’re going to need a cocktail (ring). There are Coolhunter, Coolhunting, Polyvore, PSFK. There are the glossy fashion predictions and Tumblr trendhunters and street style bloggers ad infinitum.

There are the inevitable, but inevitably useful, portmanteaus. Flawsome: Grow up, angry customer, and adore ye slightly imperfect but authentic brands, you’ll feel more human. Aw. Recommerce: One woman’s remorse purchase is another woman’s Craigslist score. Maturialism: Because we’re grownups and we can talk about sex without referring to it as “riding the ride.”

There are the gems.

The excellent curation of Paola DeLuca for IED Firenze, whose Trend Book is filled with exceptional insights into four distinctive cultural personality types: the Alter-Eco (nature, localized, junk to funk), the Lessential (transparency, cutting edge, all in one), the Youniverse (androgyny, moi, je joue), the Showstopper (electrofied, geomatrix, stating your status). They speak to the continuing importance of design in our lives, the electric vitality in indulging a superficial yet essential joy that is playful and exuberant over narcissistic and…Kardashian.

A pop lyric I caught on the radio months ago still pings in my skull: “La, la, la, whatever!” is the chorus from “Tonight, Tonight.” Song writing of this kind should be grounds for a visit to the shrink, yet it isn’t. We can all, for the love of god, lighten up now: A burst of innocence is hardly exclusive to an inner life. We’re going to want, and need, both.

Gaping Void: Hugh MacLeod’s prescient insights into mediocrity (including Kathy Sierra!) and millionaires.

There are the rising cultural trends. Some poised to burst, some nascent, some redux, some radical, some required, some holistic: cities, mobile, populism, intuition, connection that allows for silence, integrity in every sense. (We’ll explore all of these in 2012.)

There are the new definitions. It’s going to be good to be gay, and not just for our voyeuristic decorating pleasure on a cable television show. How about them genders? Men are far from over (really, really, really), but women are hot, hot, hot (so nevermind the TechCrunch games, which will soon be an embarrassment). What is an American, anyway? Rick Perry and his ilk are on the wrong side of history.

There are new roles for us all, and we’ll be talking about it a lot.

A word about green. There will be the arguments in environmentalism, from consumption and media to marketing and energy policy. We must learn that “borrowing a page” – modeling – is no recipe for innovation but is simply doing the same old thing with a green sticker slapped on it; we must understand that no end justifies any means, for the means are ends themselves. We must learn that myopic sacrifice is asking people to participate in cult, not culture. We must accept that luxury can be our word. Luxury is simplicity and sustainability, it is living well and doing well, it is intent and heart over letter and law.

There are the messy bits to get through first. I fear reality television will only get worse before we all get better. Teen moms? Toddler beauty pageants? There will be so many apps, we will have apps just to organize our apps, and “There’s an app for that” will become the new “That’s what she said,” if it hasn’t already. And let’s not forget the Election. Obama will win, but not before the politicians and pundits execute their special mission to exhaust us by March with the exact same black/white, red/blue “thinking” they’ve traded in for the last twenty years. This time, we won’t just change the channel – we’ll create different ones. (Moveon.org 2008? Only the beginning.)

Messy. But we’ll begin to appreciate this, gradually finding confidence and inspiration – even laughter – in the emergence of real argument. I suspect that in place of Maturialism in the trend forecasts for 2013, we may just see Maturity.

And on the other side, men and women will begin to breathe – or at least text – a little easier around each other. We’ll learn that people do give a damn about the planet (nearly every major American city will work to ban the plastic bag, we’ll finally catch on to the fish problem, and everyone will want companies to recycle their used products).

And most important, Grandpa will finally learn to Google it himself.

Image: Patrick Hoesly

You don’t want it or need it but somebody will convince you otherwise.

The economy is in the toilet, and people are buying less stuff. The point of advertising is to entice people to buy more stuff, even if—especially if—they don’t want it, but failing to add an addictive element in your product, means a rough road for anyone trying to hawk merchandise. Out, then, with traditional merchandise, and in with new stuff, stuff that’s easy to sell and even easier to buy.

Benneton is leading the way in this field, aggressively advertising a product called UNHATE across the world. Benneton doesn’t actually produce UNHATE, they make clothes, but in this economy, why not serve up some bullshit and then market the hell out of it? It’s not really fair to advertise for the lack of something that doesn’t actually exist materially anyway—I mean, I don’t hate yellow mustard now the way I did when I was sixteen, so does Benneton get credit for the “sale” there? I’m not so sure, but you’ve got to applaud their efforts.

In New York, Manhattan Mini Storage is selling political progressivism, albeit with a decidedly pro-remote-storage agenda. As with UNHATE, Manhattan Mini Storage’s advertised product doesn’t really have anything to do with the product it sells (i.e., mini-storage), but these days, lest we forget, It’s the economy, stupid. This campaign even implies a kind of stick-to-your-guns or at least a stick-to-your-stuff conservatism generally associated with the political right, but in such a Democratic city, well, who cares?

Patagonia, no stranger to socially conscious salesmanship, might just take the anti-marketing cake. This holiday season, they’re instructing consumers not to buy stuff at all. (I know, the campaign is about buying less, but you’ll have to buy all of nothing at least few times in order to achieve that less-ness.) Ironically, this works in Patagonia’s favor, as few of their items come bundled  eschewing the desire to buy more actually leads you back up the mountain. Brilliant!

In 2010, Nike launched a campaign aimed at normalizing the societal status of a big butt. As a sample taken from any mall will show you, the rump chosen by Nike here is by no means normal, but given America’s obesity epidemic, male and female, it would seem that most people are happy to accept anything, big asses included. Bear in mind, of course, that Nike isn’t selling the actual big asses themselves – Nike is marketing their acceptance.

Finally, there’s this from Bjorg Jewelry, which can really only be summarized as ennui-cum-sociopathy. Granted, the spot is titled “Heresy,” and this season’s “anti-marketing” certainly embodies a heretofore heterodox form of capitalism. But where Benneton asks you to kiss your enemy if you can’t afford their stuff, Bjorg asks you to immolate a beautiful young woman. Since fewer people can afford Bjorg than Benneton, it’s only a matter of time before we see sacrificial pyres erected from sea to shining sea. Yikes.

Image: Keoni Cabral, psfk, Nike Blog, AdRants, Alltop

A behind-the-screen look at the consistently ridiculous inbox of a writer.

Ever wonder how Star knows which celebrities partied at which Vegas nightclub? Thank a publicist. Ever ponder how an editor knew about an exciting new product launch? Thank a publicist. Yes, publicists are always ready to helpfully suggest story ideas that educate, enlighten, and entertain, and they really have a handle on the kinds of things that women truly need to know.

At EcoSalon, we receive our fair share of email pitches (whether they fit our sustainable angle or not), and we’ve decided to give you a peek at this invaluable information inside our inboxes. These products, people, and services are 100 percent real, although we’re not always sure they should be.

Don’t Be Such a Betch, Betch
Ugh, you’re like, such a betch. But that’s okay, because, like, betches are totally awesome? There’s even a blog all about being a betch and how, like, fun it can be? You know? To get together with other betches and talk about betch stuff like the betches we love and the betches we hate and the future betches who are like, totally going to be cool, and calling non-betches fugly because obvs only hotties can be real betches. Because being betchy is way more fun than being nice, or cool, or being smart, or being a good speller. Betchin. (Betches Love This)

Meet Suzana

This is Suzana. Suzana is an “actress-dancer-creator.” Suzana was recently in a one-woman show in New York called Blood/Nectar/Glitter, in which she smeared fake menstrual blood all over her legs and pretended to eat it. Suzana likes wearing leotards in Central Park, being bendy, and inspiring people. Suzana is a very accomplished actress-dancer-creator. Why, just last month she performed a scene for a graduate directing class, where her performance was described by fellow students as “very impressive.” She wrote an article for Backstage titled Hard Nips and Such. Get ready to see a whole lot more of Suzana. (I Am Suzana)

There Has to Be a Better Way!
Are you tired of traditional, old-fashioned shoe bags? The ones that—gasp—permit your shoes to actually touch each other? Well, now there’s a better way to transport your shoes from here to there! Bhold Shoe Bags feature special technology that keeps shoes separate! It’s true! These aren’t your ordinary shoe bags – these bags have a divider. They also have other amazing features, such as drawstrings. When you use a Bhold Shoe Bag, your shoes don’t have to touch each other, since we all know how gross that would be. Perfect for men and women! Gifts! Also they carry other stuff! Only $25! (Bhold Bags)

So now you know.

Image: cogdogblog, maebmij, Sebastyne, Little Blue Hen

With ads like these, you could almost skip the museum.

From cradle to grave, we are being marketed to. At this point in life, we’re more inclined to tolerate the relentless bombardment from Saatchi & Saatchi as long as our personal aesthetics are given the respect they deserve. Make us feel clever and we might even consider buying that thing we don’t really need; at the very least, a clever ad will get talked (and blogged) about.

The point being, we consumers love a good arty ad. But even Mad Men‘s Draper would agree that the modern day advertiser might be piggybacking on the shoulders of The Masters a bit too contentedly. It’s fatiguing, like shouldering an otherwise adorable nephew for five minutes too many on a trip to the zoo. I’m even beginning to wonder if repurposing and sampling great art for mediocre ads is passing into Madison Avenue cliché.

Take, for example, Salvador Dali: the George Clinton of the advertising industry. Few artists are sampled as much as he is, save maybe Van Gogh and Andy Warhol.

Here is his masterpiece The Persistence of Memory:

And here he is pitching Lexus and VW.

Leonardo da Vinci has had his Sly & The Family Stone moments, too, sampled by campaigns as diverse as an online gambling website to rat poison.

Here’s Mona selling pizza and casual sex.

The entire genre of Chinese landscape painting was the inspiration behind this Skoda ad.

Meanwhile, red-soled, stiletto pusher Christian Louboutin recently relied on French Neoclassicism to sell his wares.

Here, Marie-Guillemine Benoist’s Portrait d-une Negresse with the Balda Booty.

And Georges de la Tour’s Magdalene and the Flame lusting after the Puck Boot. Can you blame her?

René Magritte is another, here sampled by VW (again) and veggie-chopper’s Magimix.

Nevertheless, designer Igor “Rogix” Udushlivy has elevated the not-so-fine art of re-purposing famous artworks to genius with his Magritte-inspired coat hangers.

Here’s to something truly surprising, innovative and wall-worthy that makes parting with cash truly worthwhile.

Images: The Telegraph; Cuded; The Dandelion Chronicles; Design Milk

ColumnEnglish doesn’t have the feminine case. Stop trying to add it to the rotation.

“These ‘Influence-Hers’ have considerably larger social networks — both online and offline…Besides having a larger social circle, they also tend to be more actively engaged with brands. The Influence-Hers are 38% more likely than typical women to ‘like’ brands on Facebook or to provide personal information to brands they like on Facebook.” – via AdvertisingAge

This morning, like many mornings, I was awakened by the sound of the coffee makeHer. I hopped into the showHer to freshen up before heading to work at EcoSalon headquartHers, where we create and distribute content for smart, stylish women who are early adoptHers and influenceHers. There, I scan the blogs by blogHers and also chat with photograpHers, social media marketHers (you know, like diggHers and redditHers) and a programmHer. Just kidding! Girls aren’t programmers.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of awkward insinuations of the feminine where it isn’t required, I will fear no condescension, for you, dear reader who does not need an “h” added, are with me. My pen and my words, they comfort me, and scare the shit out of idiots. I prepare a post in the presence of trolls; you anoint me with tweets; my inbox overflows.

But where was I.

Gendered nouns like actress and editrix have been around for eons/however long Urban Dictionary says they’ve been around. What I find useless is the her habit: that clever habit of marketers to conceive of terms like “influence-Her”, as seen in the above noted social media study that finds influential women are influential. (In seriousness, the study is actually quite interesting for this nugget: the more influential you are, the more likely you are to be influenced. Ahem, ladies. They are so on to us.)

Is the her habit in language used by media and marketers trivial or cynical? My personal reaction to the “Influence-Her” term was more amusement than bemusement, but I do wonder if calling out the girly, particularly by the types of people who are apt to describe women as targets and think in terms of segments, age and income demographics, widgets and sectors, is exactly benign.

I’m similarly perplexed by the Her that seems to have started it all, in the new media era at least, Blogher.com. Blogher claims to be “ the Web’s leading guide to the hottest news and trends among women in social media” and home of  “The best writing by women online” in a variety of categories. I can’t agree with any of that, but with millions of readers and bloggers (bloghers?), popular conferences and plenty of Pagerank, Blogher is indisputably popular and clearly wields considerable influence in its sphere. But that’s the problem: its sphere. Referring to oneself as a blogher feels awfully close to barefoot, pregnant and mommyblogging in the kitchen. In a word: marginalized. And primed for market. Why are we segregating suffixes?

To this I say: Nobody puts Baby in a cornHer.

I’ll take the wider sphere. The one where sometimes I am a woman, sometimes a boss, sometimes a friend, sometimes a lover, sometimes a daughter, sometimes a colleague. The one where I love children, animals and ruffles no more nor less than any man. (Possibly less on the ruffles.) The one where we all dwell, where we all have skin in it, where the grandest game is actually in play.

The one where I am just and always me, Sara Ost, at large, no if’s, and’s or her’s about it.

This is the latest installment in your editor’s column, The Insider’s Guide to Life, exploring topics such as media, culture, sex, politics, and anything else. Cheers and spellcheck!

Image: Temari 09

ColumnGreen marketers want us to believe in their products while hiding their dirty laundry.

To listen to the marketers, it’s a brave new green world of products out there. But greenwash is greenwash and Burmese teak is bad news no matter how you slice it. A gas hog SUV is still a planetary parasite even with a hybrid emblem. And some of the so-called sustainable successes are merely bad ideas passed off as alternative chic.

We pulled a handful of products for you to take a closer look at.

Curtain Call

Many are pondering the utility of the Energy Curtain,the solar-powered alternative to the window blind. It is designed to store energy all day to switch off lights at night. But since it has to be drawn all day to charge up, you have to turn on lights inside to get the electric glow when it goes dark. Maybe it’s best to use natural light during the day, and as little power as possible at night.

Less Packaging, Higher Price

Touted for 24% less packaging and more concentrated powder for smaller scoops, the new Ultra Tide simply doesn’t do the trick, according to users who say it’s the same chemically enhanced powder as the old one except they shrunk the box and raised the price. Boxes that are bite-sized are great, but it’s still the same harsh formula for fighting stains. In other words, it gets under your skin in a bad way.

Green Thumbs Down

For those desperately in need of seeing green in their cubicle, the USB powered Mini Greenhouse from DreamCheeky has arrived, letting you grow your own marigolds with the artificial soil and seeds provided. Fresh, faux or freaky? As Mainstreet points out, the so-called good green system calls for a PC with Intel Pentium 4 operating at 2.4 gigahertz or faster, at least 128 megabytes of RAM, a Windows compatible soundcard, a CD-ROM drive, plus a specific type of display adapter capable of Microsoft Windows XP. Yes, installed on your Windows PC, you can monitor nature at work (sans the sunlight). Really?

It’s A Wash

The Swiffer Vac mopping system may appeal to us slobs who are looking for a quick clean-up in our dirty nests, but the non biodegradable, plastic cleaning mop isn’t actually greener than the old tools, despite claims of saving gallons of hot water. Instead of the precious water, this nifty gadget uses single-use chemically-soaked cleaning wipes destined for the landfill heap. We love all the green (color) branding that tries to distract you into thinking Swiffer is really eco-friendly.

Teaked Off

You hear the floor or trays are teak and you are certain that means eco-friendly – from certified plantations, right? But when it comes to Burmese teak, logs yielding as much as $25,000 are stolen from ravaged forests and shipped to Japan, the U.S and Europe and turned into nice patio furniture. Over 24.7 million cubic feet of teak is taken from the Myanmar’s forests by Thai companies helping to finance the Burmese military government’s long border war against ethnic insurgents. While many floor companies are shunning the teak, you can still harvest it online through many sources.

Images: Torely; Cushnie et Ochs‘; DreamCheeky; Procter &  Gamble; Chevrolet; Procter & Gamble; Perpetual Kid; Teakworks4U, redwood1

Editor’s note: The Beige Report is an open EcoSalon team column showcasing the most ridiculous in green design and marketing greenwash. Buyer beware.

Green. Recently, the mere mention of the word has started to make me cringe. In an attempt to market a multifaceted issue – climate change, ocean acidification, forest degradation, pollution, food politics – we’ve oversimplified. Scratch that. We’ve lost our collective heads. We’ve turned a complex web of questions and possible answers into something as simple as a preschooler’s crayon selection.

So when the words “religious amusement park” and “green” show up in the same sentence, I flinch. Have you heard about this? A 160-acre Christian-themed park called The Ark Encounter is being planned for lucky Northern Kentucky. According to the website, “In an entertaining, educational, and immersive way, it presents a number of historical events centered on a full-size, all-wood Ark, which should become the largest timber-frame structure in the USA.”

Historical. Okay. Let’s take a look.

The park is the brainchild of Answers in Genesis, the same group that’s responsible for the Creation Musuem in Petersberg, KY. Science is a guiding force when it comes to dealing with environmental issues, so it elicits some serious questions when the same group that denies one of the most well-supported theories of science attempts to jump on the green bandwagon. (And you thought the hybrid Chevy Tahoe was complex logical ground.)

Yes, they’ll be using solar, geothermal, wind and water technologies in the park’s mechanical systems, but what environmental message are we sending to our children when they have to visit a 160-acre amusement park to get it? Caged animals that are trained to perform in a live show? Wasteful amusement park concessions?

It’s a monument to irony. Remember, those who rail against the most basic (and verifiable) tenets of evolution, climate science and the earth’s age will frequently cite the story of Noah’s Ark as Exhibit A.

The questions go on and on.

Talking about the environment and our impact on it is of the utmost importance, and we must package the discussion in a way that’s approachable to all, but not at the current cost. It’s become too easy to slap the word “green” onto any product or project and immediately fall into a marketing world that has quickly come to mean very little.

Those $150 million dollars could be better used to protect natural habitats and support environmental education classes that actually take children out into the woods and encourage them to explore their natural surroundings, rather than play Noah’s little first mate in a real life version of a legendary story. Inspire children to pursue the kind of careers that will make positive change and hopefully build a future where we live more in balance with the environment.

Are we being Grinch to everyone’s green and calling in the fun police? Perhaps. I’m sure a 160-acre complex can be all kinds of entertaining – but there’s a long list of things those 160 acres could be used for that might better promote a truly “green” calling. With respect to individual beliefs, and acknowledgment of the value of religious story traditions for community, we’re calling Beige.

- with additional reporting by Sara Ost

Editor’s note: The Beige Report features news and products of green gone wrong. If green is to grow up and go mainstream, it cannot be coddled nor supported uncritically. We owe it to ourselves and our future generations to insist upon good standards and good products in green. If you disagree, we’d love to hear why.

I never liked the term “Black Friday.” It makes me think of evil and bad things like the Black September terrorist outfit of the 1970s or the “Black Tuesday” stock market crash that ushered in the Great Depression. Moreover, it seems odd to me that marketers would describe a shopping day – nay, actually promote a shopping day – with a term that has to do with retail profits (i.e. “getting into the black”) rather than consumers making out well. Who would buy into that?

Well, many of us do. We might second guess them, but marketers know lots of stuff that we don’t. In fact, with access to the latest in neuroscience, it turns out they know stuff about me that I don’t even know. It even has a name: neuromarketing.

Here’s a good definition of the practice from Neuromarketing, a blog focused on the field, authored by consultant Roger Dooley. (Consider that they make no secret about what they’re up to. They don’t have to. They’re that good.)

“Neuromarketing includes the direct use of brain imaging, scanning, or other brain activity measurement technology to measure a subject’s response to specific products, packaging, advertising, or other marketing elements… neuromarketing also includes the use of neuroscience research in marketing. For example, using fMRI or other techniques, researchers may find that a particular stimulus causes a consistent response in the brain of test subjects, and that this response is correlated with a desired behavior (e.g., trying something new).”

So what does this mean? That Mad Men are busy figuring out how we subconsciously process product and are tapping into parts of our brain through adverting and marketing techniques that we’re unaware of? Well, of course they are. And they’re getting better at it every day.

According to Denise Corcoran, CEO of The Empowered Business, neuromarketing recognizes that there are three “main parts” to the brain. These include, she writes at Business Know-How:

• “The ‘Human’ (‘New,’ or outer-most) Brain: Most evolved part of the brain known as the cortex. Responsible for logic, learning, language, conscious thoughts and our personalities.
• The ‘Mammalian’ (Middle) Brain: Also known as the limbic system. Deals with our emotions, moods, memory and hormones.
• The ‘Reptilian’ (Old) Brain: Also known as the R Complex controls our basic survival functions, such as hunger, breathing, flight-or-fight reactions and staying out of harm’s way.”

“While neuromarketing is still a young field with many unanswered questions, one finding is clear,” Corcoran says. “The reptilian, or ‘old,’ brain drives your customers’ [heads up people. She’s speaking here to marketers] buying decisions.” This part of the brain, now heavily targeted by in-the-know-how marketers includes, she writes, a sophisticated (not!) focus on emotions triggered by sensory stimuli, simple gain versus pain tradeoffs, and “beginnings and endings.” I’d use terms like “knee-jerk” and “super duper impetuous” to describe my reptile brain. Not really that part of me I want in charge of my wallet.

(Keep in mind, by the way, that we’re not just talking about buying product here. Lots of decisions come made by This Old Brain. Anyone around this last election day? The neuromarketers were.)

So, as we round the shopping mall turn into The Season, what are some examples of how they play us during this last month of the year? Here are two classics designed to plug into our neuro(tic?) habits, according to Dooley:

You want it? We got it! At a ridiculously low price! Just come on down and…

“A staple of Black Friday promotions is the limited quantity loss leader item,” Dooley explains. This is when a store loudly advertises a known-to-be desirable item (say, a flat-screen TV) at an incredibly low price. In fact, so low the store’s going to lose money.  Sound like a good reason to cue up? After all, the advertisements says, “At least 5,000 available chain-wide!”

A lot for a little? “This pitch is neuroeconomic perfection,” he says. “Consumers see the product, and are shocked by the amazingly low price. At the same time, neuroeconomics research tells us that people aren’t good at translating odds and percentages into real-life probabilities… most consumers wouldn’t have a clue that a particular chain might have, say, a thousand stores. And, if every store gets just a few units, the chance of actually being able to buy one is very low. Still, many make the trek into the store early on Black Friday hoping to do just that.”

What’s left behind when the smoke-and-mirrors-screen clears is what Dooley calls “an atmosphere of savings. If people are lining up at 4 AM to buy stuff, the prices must be incredible, right? This savings frenzy may carry over to other products and even infect shoppers not pursuing the limited-supply items.” Wow. Such language! “Atmosphere of savings!” “Frenzy!” “Infect!” I don’t mean to pick on Dooley, who’s just doing his job, but yikes.

But wait! There’s more!

Buy now, pay… well, who cares when? Just buy now!

Another big end-of-the-year play is to promise no payments until next year. Never mind that that might be just a few weeks away. Oh hell, you know that! How about no payments until, say, next summer? Or maybe, “No interest for a year! You can pay it off by then. Can’t ya?”

This is what Dooley calls the “No Payment, No Pain” approach, another “brain-based technique” that minimizes current cash outflow while maximizing overall cash outflow. “The possibility of immediate gratification with very little in the way of ‘paying pain’ will no doubt close more deals. (The mere enabling factor of these offers is important, too; some consumers simply can’t pay for the product in full.)” Again, note that this marketing consultant is talking to The Man (or Men or Women, or whoever wants you cash) and not to you.

So yeah, buy now, pay later. From the mouths of neuromarketers: “Some of these financing offers make sub-prime mortgage lenders look downright sensible and cautious.”

Enough. We and our oh-so-easy-to-read brains get the drift. Many of us are no match for the cross-fire of high-level sales techniques. (As a cha-ching FYI, an estimated $45 billion was spent at retail stores on Friday and $1 billion was spent online Monday.) I say, though, that a little awareness goes a long way. So heads up out there in the marketing kill zone this season. Consider the value of your own (In the) Black January and opposed to surrendering to your inner reptile.

Image: Oran Viriyincy

Sexism sure makes for strange bedfellows. Early this morning, one of my editors sent me a link to the new Renewable Girls calendar, along with a link to commentary posted on Ms. Magazine’s blog. The “environmental” 2011 calendar uses sexually provocative images of female models – complete with throwback Mad Men copy and props like aprons and bananas – to promote solar panels. The various posts from the blogosphere thus far are mocking, outraged, and most notably, confused. Is this a case of sex sells? Or a case of ironic sex sells? Or a case of justified sex sells? Or how about a case of tongue-in-cheek sex sells? Like, sexism is so empowering when it’s green!

It’s not inflatable. It’s renewable.

Let’s not greenwash it: sex. always. sells. Confusion is a gleaming hall pass for these marketers.

It’s hard for us gals to keep doing what we think is important when our supposed allies hate us (and themselves – I’m talking to you, Newkirk). Is it exaggeration to use the word “hate”? I don’t believe so. Just because it comes wrapped in some shiny Shinola about progress doesn’t make it acceptable. A rose by any other name, as it were.

Speaking of misogyny in marketing, here’s the latest advertising campaign from Bebe, that polyester brand of sexualized striving and low self-esteem, as featured in September’s InStyle magazine. (InStyle is among the most popular American women’s magazines.)

Hours after spotting this image, I was still upset, so I hunted down the email of the head honcho of marketing for Bebe, Sandra Alvarenga, and fired off a letter. If you look at Alvarenga’s LinkedIn profile, it appears she’s never worked for any company but Bebe, starting as a shop clerk and working her way up through production, then executive assistance, then advertising, and finally to the top of the heap of corporate marketing. If you’ve wondered what’s been up with the Bebe business over the last decade or two, now you know.

She never responded, of course. The gist of my “barnyard Lolita” letter I’ll include here:

I feel compelled to express that I believe your company has crossed a line with the image of an extremely under-age looking girl with gooped-up, wide red lips, her eyes hollow, her expression resigned, her tiny body spread-eagled and strategically covered, in a barn of all things. She is an object, nothing more, and the staging and design of the shoot clearly mean to convey this. Working in new media I see my fair share of crass content, yet I cannot shake the sick feeling this ad gives me. I’m embarrassed for bebe and whatever equally cynical agency helped you with this campaign. And, as a woman, I’m saddened to discover the person behind this is a woman herself.

Experiment: If I rip out a PETA page, toss in the Bebe ad, take a screencap from Renewable Girls, and scan ‘em all together, I am willing to bet that a good male friend who’s a media executive, much less my twentysomething brother, won’t be able to spot the difference. Only, this is kind of an unfair experiment because I’ve already conducted it, and you can guess what happens.

Hey, sex sells. And I don’t think that’s inherently a bad thing – it’s a pretty natural thing. I’m not one to complain about a shirtless James Franco for Gucci cologne ad. But sex in the context of contempt is degrading to everyone. (Renewable Girls, you see, “tend to go for the bling. Be it on their finger or on their roof. So if you’re going to please her with panels, you have to make sure the price is right.”) Success at any cost sure feels a lot like something else that’s not so polite to talk about. At what price green?

This is the problem with a culture that continues to worship at the philosophical altar of The Ends Justify the Means. You cannot beat hatred with hatred. You cannot end abuse with abuse. You cannot wage war on violence with more violence. And you cannot create a culture of sustainability – what we alternately call, depending on the decade, peace, love, or prosperity -  by flashing about as the other side of the same damn coin.

PETA’s notorious campaigns featuring nudity in the crusade for animal rights have been covered and criticized ad infinitum. The organization is the Sarah Palin of activism: savvy, desperate, focused, insane. The problem with PETA’s campaigns isn’t that sexy pictures of women are automatically offensive. (Hey, saying that would just be sexism of another kind.) The problem is that this strategy so enthusiastically seeks defeat. Objectifying creatures – in this case, women – for some purported noble end isn’t ironic and clever. It isn’t even cynical and clever. It’s exactly the same thing as the problem itself. If it looks derivative, or self-loathing, or sad, that’s because it is.

Welcome to the era of ecosexism.

Let’s say you have a terrific natural liquid fertilizer, courtesy of healthy llamas and alpacas. It’s free of additives, preservatives and pesticides, and it’s available in virtually inexhaustible quantities. Green? You bet – in the gardening sense, and also in the way you’re selling it in reprocessed plastic bottles. Your product has Win written all over it.

Now all you need is a catchy name to hook the greenest green thumbs. How about…Llama Brew?

At first I wondered: is it just me that feels a shudder of horror? After all, I’m British, and “brew” is a word that we Brits have bonded with at the molecular level, as evidenced by our universally applicable panacea, “Fancy a brew?” We’re hardwired to associate it with drinking. So, just a personal bias? I did a little digging. Check out this eccentrically-phrased “review” of Llama Brew, and have a look at the Google Ads on the left. As I write this, they’re all selling coffee beans. So Google agrees with me. And if it’s not hot beverages, it’s the cold variety – as this DIY beer recipe demonstrates.

It’s agreed: something with “brew” on the side is probably meant to be drunk. (Just look at this headline. Case closed.) When you add the fact that Llama Brew is sold in plastic bottles and therefore looks like a darker variety of iced tea…well, you can imagine how wrong it can all go on a hot summer’s day. And yet it’s so easily remedied by adding, for example, the word “poop” in there somewhere. Poop is a word that it’s impossible to miss with even the most cursory glance. Llama Poop Brew. You’re safe.

This is a great product for gardeners – but of all the things that shouldn’t look like other things, surely fertilizer’s at the top of the list? Now if you’ll excuse me, I need a nice hot brew.

Image: law keven