A look at 10 powerful men who have grown to become better people who in turn, better our lives.

We continue to seek leaders among movers and shakers capable of making a difference. Who is out there, we ask, in these bleak times to govern, protect and prosper? Here is a look at some men who have proven able to rise to challenging tasks, become better people with stances of substance, and capable of changing our world in a myriad number of positive ways.

1. Steve Jobs

We can’t help but think of Apple founder Steve Jobs, the single most important figure to date to spring from Silicon Valley, who leaves behind an enormous legacy after losing his battle with pancreatic cancer at 56. Likened to titans Ford and Edison by The Globe and Mail, he lives on in downloaded songs, finger swipes and sleek white headphones – “a man whose vision ended up disrupting almost every creative and commercial industry on Earth” thereby changing the earth as we know it. While cynics have said there is a special place in hell for technology peddlers who insure gadgets are readily replaced, Jobs gave us the convenience factor which made it easier to do what we do most: cyber speak.

It appeared everything he touched turned to gold, from the Macintosh and mouse to the iPad and Pixar. True, he changed the world with his visionary acumen but also the world changed him as he confronted his mortality, telling a graduating class of Stanford University grads that the notion of dying was the biggest catapult in following his heart. “It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: ‘If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?’ And whenever the answer has been ‘No’ for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.”

He also cited his firing from Apple at age 30 after taking the company from a fledgling computer brainstorm built in a garage to a $2 billion giant with over 4,000 employees as the best thing that ever happened to him. “The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life. ”

2. Louis Rossetto

The co-founder of  Wired Magazine  has been called a Fair Trade Willie Wonka for his success of adapting Silicon Valley start up tools to the chocolate industry. Rossetto became the first investor and then CEO of TCHO, launched in 2005 on the premise that chocolate should be measured by flavor and not percentage of cacao content, using the Flavor Wheel approach established by NASA contractor Timothy Childs and chocolate industry veteran Karl Bittong.

Shifting the focus to taste and flavor labs and cutting out notorious slave labor practices on plantations in the Ivory Coast and elsewhere, TCHO collaborates with growers and co-ops in cacao-producing countries like Peru, Ecuador and the Dominican Republic, teaching growers how to improve methods and secure better prices. “It’s the lowest-cost, most-efficient technology to get the job done,” Rossetto says about the labs, adding it’s not unlike grape growing in Napa Valley where growers can either sell commodity table grapes or get top dollar for premium wine grapes for really good wineries.

The producers now sell from 75 cents up to $8 and margins, boasting big customers like Whole Foods and Starbucks. Across the globe, the chocolate is sold at famous restaurants like Mario Batali’s chain and at Paul Young in London and Fresh and Fresh in Japan. It’s also sold on its website. In 2010, sales were up eight percent across the spectrum and expected to reach double-digit millions and beyond by 2012. First revenues for TCHO started below $1 million in 2009 and tripled last year – demonstrating that fair trade and organic is viable if well supported by believers. Rossetto got friends and family to invest. Today, TCHO produces 10 to 20 tons of chocolate every few weeks from its factory in the heart of San Francisco.

3. Blake Mycoskie

Blake Mycoskie, founder of TOMS Shoes was a kid kicking around in Argentina when the light went off – footwear is a basic need like water and air, and many are without the coverage to protect their feet from harsh environs. He not only launched a fashion movement (the new must-have uniform of school girls) but a charitable movement – distributing over 600,000 pairs of new shoes in 2010 to kids in need through giving partners around the globe.

What changed in him in 2006? Prior to that he demonstrated an entrepreneurial spirit starting five businesses before TOMS including a national campus laundry service. Most visionaries see a  hole needing filling, but with TOMS, he changed the way much of the industry sees its role – the ability not to just churn out profits but also to help children around the world. As a result, others are following suit with programs like the Good Shoe Project introduced by Payless ShoeSource and World Vision and the Shoes2Spare project.

The bottom line for the man behind the little shoe that could? Stuff doesn’t make you happy. “When I started distributing shoes in Ethiopia, South Africa, and South America, I saw that the people had so little, yet seemed to worry so much less than my friends and family back home,” he says. “Instead of stressing over gadgets, they were talking around the campfire.”

 4. Michael Moore

Clearly not everyone’s cup of tea -  Michael Moore can rub audiences and subjects the wrong way with his overwrought hubris, and that is entirely the point. But as he ages, he is learning to be a less obnoxious man of the people, something that has overshadowed supporters and detractors alike as his provocations drew attention away from the filmmaker with a focus on the film character. As one of his fellow filmmakers sees it: “Moore is a genius, who created an entire genre of documentary film making using the reflexive mode, and I view him as a pamphleteer, say a modern Thomas Paine, who says provocative things that aren’t always meant to be taken literally.”

Not the academic ilk of a Kevin Burns nor the inconspicuous diplomacy of Michael Apted, Moore has changed in the way he doesn’t so much get in your face and slap it silly but continues to rock the boat like no other documentary film maker, not exposing tainted meat and animal cruelty as much as exposing our inexcusable apathy in accepting corporate crime, insurance fraud, imperialism via drummed up invasions and tolerance of school bullies.

Is it any wonder he joined protesters staging Occupy Wall Street? Coming to their aid, he said “What you see here, and what you’re seeing across the country, are millions of people who’ve had it.” Moore promised to donate proceeds from his book, Here Comes Trouble, to their effort and to deliver wi-fi to the park and to other demonstrations being held across the nation. “I’ll do what I can do,” he offered, “because these bankers overplayed their hand. They were already rich, but filthy rich wasn’t enough. They are trying to turn our democracy from a democracy into a kleptocracy.”

The Flint native and so-called poster boy for the working class does boast nearly 900,000 Twitter followers who have been stirred and shaken by his bawdy cocktails like Stupid White Men and Fahrenheit 911. And while critics have tried to expose Moore as a hypocrite for owning a million-dollar apartment or sending his child to private school,  Moore remains a bigger than life figure who gets us to think.

 5. Dr. Mehmet Oz

“Who is the new great and powerful Oz?” asked the New York Post about the heart surgeon in scrubs who has taken over Oprah’s time slot and the health-bound viewing audience by storm. Described as a genuine medical folk hero in the making by turning genital warts and controversial diets like HCG into entertainment, the TV doc goes further than Dr. Phil by bypassing tabloid tactics in favor of a bare bones anatomy lecture. Like most successful physicians, he started out wanting a good career without fame, but has become the ear for a world obsessed with dieting, aging, longevity and stress, spending 40 minutes answering studio audience questions which many other arrogant doctors would dismiss out of hand or tell patients they don’t need to know the answers.

“Folks are desperate to have a relationship with their healer,” he says. “Marcus Welby is dead today, and they want a regular doctor who they can have a dialogue with and get truthful answers from. I reach a whole lot of people this way.”

As close to a regular guy as a rock star TV celeb can get, he lives in New Jersey with his wife and four kids and considers himself a hermit who shaves rarely, plays basketball with friends and meditates.  One of his assets is his listening skills – which shouldn’t be undermined as most of us are starved for listeners to our complaints and concerns. A big sign of his ability to change us – patients quoting his advice when visiting their own internists. If Dr. Oz thinks something is kosher, then it probably is kosher.

6. Douglas Holtz-Eakins

Who doesn’t love a conservative who changes his course when needed? Among the new directions in the sails of the conservative economist, praising the once debunked American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009 as a stimulus that operated exactly as intended, growing the economy and spawning millions of jobs. The former Congressional Budget Office director and former chief economic advisor to Sen John McCain’s 2008 presidential campaign, pledged in August to throw support behind the bill.

Meantime, while the Tea Party elements insist global warming is a science fiction concept, Holtz-Eakin is now working with the New Hampshire-based Clean Air-Cool planet, addressing the economic benefits of addressing the very real issue. One proposal that entices him is tax-swapping, imposing a levy on carbon emissions while eliminating the payroll tax.

“We have watched with foreboding as powerful forces in the Republican Party want to close down this debate and reject the idea that this is a problem that needs to be solved,” says Brooks Yeager of the climate policy advocacy group. “Our interest in working with someone like Douglas, who has enormous credibility in conservative ranks and economists and agrees with our fundamental position that needs to be solved, is that he is exceptionally well positioned to reopen this debate.”

7. John Stewart

First, he changed his name from John Leibowitz, then he changed his game from his breakthrough comedy role on The Larry Sanders show to the serious business of changing mainstream media. The Daily Show with John Stewart is highly respected for its moxie in telling it like it is while everyone else tiptoes through the tulips and kisses the backsides of corporate sponsors. Or, as aptly put by Hub Brown of the Newhouse School of Public Communications at Syracuse University: “The stock-in-trade of The Daily Show is hypocrisy exposing hypocrisy and nobody else has the guts to do it. They really know how to crystallize an issue on all sides, see the silliness everywhere.” A prime example was second guessing the war in Iraq while mainstream press was towing the line of national leaders. Stewart decided to take them to task, lampooning Bush policies.

The Comedy Central staple has scored nine consecutive Emmy awards  validating that yes, perhaps the industry has a liberal slant, but also that the truth hurts less than we think when it comes to bashing the Tea Party or even criticizing our leaders, including President Obama’s failure to make inroads with a ridiculously stubborn congress. “Conditions are what they are and Obama is president,” says the host. “You are judged by how well you negotiate those conditions, not by how excusable the shitty end result is based on that it’s difficult.”

 8. Brad Pitt

While some of our moms refuse to forgive him for what he did to Jen, Pitt has revamped his image from willing victim of a home wrecker to determined home repairer in New Orleans. There has been much banter of him there switching to politics, as he rubs shoulders with Nancy Pelosi and the Chief on the New Orleans Housing Project while his better half works for UNICEF.

It’s an accepted fact no one wields more clout than celebs like Pitt who have huge followings among all age groups and tremendous visibility. While Dave Eggers’ poignant prose draws attention to the flood aftermath in Zeitoun, Pitt is allegedly considered a great mayoral candidate of the city – but it is one of many causes he embraces which led Newsweek Magazine to list him as one of 15 People Who Make America Great. Among his contributions is shedding light on neglected causes in Africa as cameras follow him wherever he and his extended family travel. This was the thinking when he and Jolie say they sold the first picture of their daughter, Shiloh, to People magazine for a reported $4million saying all proceeds would go to charity.

“Knowing that someone was going to hound us for that first photo — and was going to profit immensely for doing it — I just couldn’t live with it,” Pitt told the magazine. “We were able to turn that around and collect millions for people who are really going to need it.” Now as he makes the round to plug his film Moneyball, interviews on NPR and elsewhere highlight the intellectual Pitt – whose sensitivity emerges in the film, just as it did in Benjamin Button illustrating old dogs can learn new tricks at any time.

9. Warren Buffett

Read his lips: Yes, new taxes!!! And please let my rich friends step up to the plate. Billionaire Buffett- who inspired Obama’s millionaires’ tax – challenged owner of Fox News Rupert Murdoch to make his own federal tax returns public, after admitting he pays a lower rate than his secretary and the government should stop coddling the super rich “as if we were spotted owls or some other endangered species.” A recent CBS news poll showed most Americans agree with Buffett including many who have taken to those Wall Street protests. Militant conservatives are up in arms about it – no doubt viewing Buffett more of a trader than hero, but hero he is for more ways than one.

His stock went way up when joining forces with Bill Gates to urge the wealthy to join the campaign Giving Pledge and to give away at least half of their fortunes during their lifetimes or after their deaths. The 80-year-old Berkshire Hathaway CEO who wants to work past age 100 is famous for maintaining a frugal lifestyle – living in the same home he bought in Omaha in 1958. But his change has come in the way of being much more bold and out there, so to speak, despite how he might be viewed by fellow rich guys and their heirs. As a philanthropist he has set the bar and in seeking more revenues to fund programs, he shows not all billionaires are out for personal gain.

 10. Van Jones

There were such high hopes when Jones became the top green man in the White House – only succumbing to a malicious Tea Party campaign and resigning. ”It has been a tough couple of years,” Jones  confessed. “We went from hope to heartbreak in about a minute…We have the wrong theory of the presidency.”

So he is a changed man for the better in terms of seeing bureaucracy only muddles progress. He is now the leading evangelist of the American Dream Movement in partnership with his own organization, Rebuild the Dream – something he told Alternet was for real progressives in 2012 with the goal to train a million new leaders.

“We’re just glad that the volcano is starting to erupt,” he shares. ” We just want to fight. And there are some pre-existing grassroots assets that need to be re-aligned or redeployed; we’re trying to do that here.” The plan calls for house meetings (with real leadership) as well as protests, networking leaders online and locating dream candidates.  Jones sees his new mission as a social battle like no other in history.

“This is thrilling stuff! The dream-killers on Wall Street — who are so disgusting and so despicable; they are ingrates who are sitting up there laughing at us. I mean, every other bloc of capital that has this much weight, they try to do something to make you like them. Even the polluters, they say, ‘We’ll get clean coal.’ They try to do something. But these people on Wall Street – they just don’t care. So it’s just going to be an epic battle now between the worst people in America, the most selfish people in America, and the most selfless. And that’s going to be amazing.”

Images: Acaben; TCHO; Kwaku Alston; Shankbone; Nayrb7; Atlantic; The jointsstaff; Giving; Tedizen; Americanprogressaction, gadgetdude

He texts but never calls, has a close girl “friend” and still loves mommy more than anyone. Run for the hills, honey.

Dating dealbreakers are a touchy subject. It’s common knowledge that sticking to lists of musts and rules is no way to find a man (or woman). But while we may need to learn to give a little when it comes to our list of dating expectations – no really, he doesn’t have to be tall, dark and handsome…or rich – we resolutely abide by the following list of dealbreakers and dating red flags. As with wardrobes, careers and fights with your mother, it’s much easier to make a list of what you don’t want, and when it comes to men, doing so will certainly help you steer clear of of some serious relationship problems.

1. Is always late. Not 10 minutes it’s hard to get a cab tonight late, but late

Fully unacceptable unless his Prius exploded…the first time. You are a busy woman and you have things to do, and if the man can’t get it together to meet up with you on time, it’s a question of respect. Move on.

2. Has a tramp stamp

Lower back tattoos are bad enough on women, but on a man? If you’re on a first date and he bends over to pick something up and his shirt pulls up just high enough to flash a Chinese character or some other cheesy remnant of his early 20s, run while you still can.

3. Has cut off all communication to family

We are perfectly understanding of strained familial relationships. It is a fact of human existence that all parents are flawed and we are all pissed off about it. No one’s perfect, and sometimes a break with those who are closest is what we need. That’s different from complete and utter disconnect. Zero communication with family members is an indicator of larger issues at hand – the kind of larger issues that you don’t need to be dealing with.

4. Buys you pets without asking you first

Puppies and kittens are cute, but if you come home to one wrapped in a bow you may need to do some reflecting. Owning a pet is a commitment, and if he buys you one to take care of without asking you first, you can expect serious control issues. Don’t let him put a bird on it.

5. Has previously had a sugar mama

Financial support is good while it lasts, and it’s fun to joke about marrying up, but if you’re dating a man whose last girl fully supported him in everything he did without his having to work for it, you’ve got serious trouble on your hands. Treat yourself and your best friend to dinner instead.

6. Smokes cigarettes

It doesn’t matter if he comes with an attractive French accent or a New York City address; cigarettes are just disgusting any way you look at it. Plus, do you want to be stuck caring for someone with lung cancer at the ripe age of 55?

7. Two words: dental hygiene

Brush twice a day, floss at least three times a week, and see the dentist now and then. That’s all we ask.

8. Liberally uses the word “douchebag” and its variants, e.g. douchey, douche

A good tip that a man will spend more time reminiscing about his fraternity glory days and/or expressing only thinly-veiled latent “jokes” (read: desires, see shrink)  for his bro pack than asking you how your day was.

9. Doesn’t read or seem to own actual books

If you can’t have a conversation about what you’re reading – or at the very least the latest New York Times article he recently read online – just think about all the other things you’re not going to be able to talk about. Sure, this might sound pretentious, but you’re a smart, intellectual woman and you need to fuel your brain as much as your lust.

10. Hasn’t broken up with Mommy yet (and probably never will)

Next please. Are we really still stuck on the mommy issue thing? Apparently so, because we keep hearing stories of perfectly nice gentlemen that just can’t seem to break loose and expect a girlfriend to fill the role. Nobody wants a mother-in-law from hell, but even worse is the full-time job you didn’t ask for: mothering your boyfriend. If he wants you to call him on his shit instead of bothering to notice the wafting of said shit himself, move on.

11. Thinks therapy is for losers

Let’s be honest: we could all use some professional help in one way or another. If he can’t see that, it means he’s hiding more emotional baggage than he wants to admit.

12. Inappropriate use of flip flops

Rugged, informed, creative, outdoorsy men who have a love for the good life? Drool. But there’s a time and place for everything. At the beach or brunch in the backyard? Wear those flip flops with pride! But all flip flops all the time, even business meetings and dinners? Put on some damn shoes already.

13. “Forgets” the condoms

Conveniently forgetting condoms is classless and disrespectful and shows that a man isn’t ready to honor your integrity. Plus, an adult man knows better no matter his age, and “forgetting” is just as bad as “but I hate condoms.” Newsflash: who doesn’t hate condoms? That doesn’t mean you don’t get to use them.

14. Suggests you split the tab…when he asked you out.

The right way: “This is my treat, if that’s all right?” Being generous, acknowledging potential it’s-not-all-right leanings. The wrong way: “Let’s split it.” That’s just forcing the answer in his favor. Manipulative and cheap.

15. Doesn’t understand your issue with his having a “best gal pal”

It isn’t your fear that he wants to sleep with her, but the fact that he is emotionally available to her and not you, which is why his repeated rantings about not wanting to sleep with her are so exasperating. Sleeping with you, confiding in her means he is incapable of sexual and emotional intimacy with the same woman and will eventually cheat on whomever he marries.

16. Postures himself wherever he goes

Is your new flame constantly posing for Facebook headshots as he’s having dinner with you and friends, trying to look dashing and throwing out quotes like a famous writer when you just want to hike, standing in the shower doorway naked with a “I-want-to-be-sexy-but-am-uncomfortable” grin? These are all signs that he is so self-absorbed and that you will never get him to be present. Posture at him with the middle finger as you walk away.

17. Uses “via” or “literally” in the same sentence more than once

Men who like to attempt to sound smarter by throwing in these little bon mots are just trying to cover up how clueless they really are. We mean to say they might actually be robots.

18. Burps or farts to just “break the ice”

Men can do whatever they want in the company of other men, but when they’re around you, expect that they at least act as if they graduated from high school. A pretty walk in the fall with steaming hot mugs of cider, a lively debate on the value of human communication followed by a loud rip? Hardly the scene you want to be part of. Dump the cider, hold your nose and run for your life.

19. Doesn’t understand the term “A little goes a long way” in terms of hair product

Just because the rest of the country is obsessed with the cast of Jersey Shore, does not give your man the right to channel Pauly D. Have you thought about how you’re going to run your fingers through his waxy, stiff hair and have you even considered what he might look like without all the hair taming?

20. Freaks out playing video games. No, the fact that he plays video games

It’s the third date and all is going well. He sweetly invites you back to his place. “Sure,” you think to yourself, “this has been going great, why not?” And then you see it. A living room centered around a big screen TV, with not one, but three different video game contraptions and a variety of games strewn about the floor. And just as quickly as you wanted to start talking about his feelings on the recent uprising in the Middle East or what his favorite place to travel is or whether he prefers organic or local, you realize he’s nesting into his favorite chair and let’s just say he’s pushing the wrong button.

21. Patting of any kind

Whether it’s on the forehead, knee or anywhere else, patting is a nice little indicator of someone thinking you’re “cute and adorable,” and not in the good way. Stay away from the insecure men who have an obsession with undercutting you.

22. Being weird about you making more money than him

It’s 2011. Enough said.

23. Has a filthy vehicle

You haven’t even been to his apartment yet but from the state of his car floor covered in candy wrappers, Coke bottles, chip bags and ATM receipts, you know for sure that not only is he disorganized, he’s a total pig who couldn’t even nice up for your date.

24. He calls you his “old lady”

Nope, never allowed. You’ll never be an equal. Other terms that will follow (if you’re a sucker and stay) will be “ball and chain,”  followed by “The Wife.”

25. He still sports a soul patch…

It’s 2011. Enough said.

Image: JonoMueller

What pushes men and women over the edge to have sex or a steamy makeout session?

Most women seem to regard men’s interest in sleeping with them in one of two ways. It’s either, “Yes, every guy wants me, and I have to beat those horny devils off constantly!” Or it’s, “Guys want to sleep with me? That can’t be, I look nothing like the GQ covergirl, and I haven’t waxed in weeks, and I’ve been told I talk too much sometimes…”

Naturally, the truth is somewhere in the middle: No, straight men don’t want to sleep with every female they know, and conversely, if you think nobody’s interested in you, you’re just not paying attention. For men, it’s much the same story – half of you hunks seem to think nobody finds you hot and the other half are hitting on everything in a brightly colored dress.

Being that the above is the case – that is, that we are all totally confused – when it comes to hookups and dating, but still thrill to the whole thing, what are do we do? (Come one, we are modern folk here. Yes, most of us want relationships, but sometimes a good night of sexing is totally great). What is it that makes that kinda-cute, totally sexy person across the bar from us give us the green light for a bed-party in their mind?

We all want to know what it takes to hook up. Here are some tales from the trenches:

Sometimes It’s Just Italy: (Florence D’Italia, early 40′s):

“I was working on the mess deck of a merchant ship en route to Africa, Italy, Spain and Portugal and would work cocktail parties when we came into port. These parties were great and attended by well-to-do consuls and Navy admirals amongst others. When we ported in Genoa, Italy, I met a handsome American who was there as a translator for one of the consulates and we hit it off. I agreed after my shift was over, I’d meet him on the dock. He was really funny and I was more into laughing and running around Genoa having an adventure more than anything.

Adventure we did, all over the city. He was an architecture student at University there so we snuck into all kinds of cool buildings so he could wow me with all his knowledge. We finally made it to the  highest point in the city and were looking out over the harbor, with all the lights and I turned to look at him and he suddenly seemed the most handsome man alive and we had a full make-out session that lasted for a loooong time.

I had no plans on ever seeing him again and we were both completely ok with that. The problem was when he showed up on the dock the next morning with a bouquet of flowers and my elderly roommate woke me up to tell me “That young man you were gallivanting around with last night is out on the dock!” By the time I threw on some jeans and a t-shirt we were far enough away that I could see him waving. I never saw him again.

That’s Italy for you.”

Sometimes It’s Not That Complicated: (Freddy Fairlane, mid-30′s):

“In my wild single days I met a local girl on OKC and arranged to get together at a pub. Five minutes after we first sat down with our drinks she was telling me, in lurid detail, about the time she was gang-banged at a swingers party. It turned out that she was polyamorous and really really liked to have sex. We left five minutes after that. We quickly walked to my car and had steamy backseat sex.”

Sometimes It’s a Well-Stocked Library: (Shegot Millayd, early 30′s):

“After coming out of an almost seven-year relationship when I turned 30, I was ready to date! I had never been out on the scene before, and I had a lot of fun saying yes to every guy who asked me out. After over a year of nonstop dating, I still had never had a one-night stand. I had slept with a couple guys, but only after seeing them quite a bit first. I couldn’t believe I was a liberated, fun-loving almost-32-year-old and I had never had a one-night stand. But I was dating in NYC, and going home with some guy before I knew him seemed dangerous. But one night, I met an online date at Toys ‘R Us in Times Square (he wanted to take me on the ferris wheel! How cute. We also played in the life-sized Barbie dreamhouse). We proceeded to a nearby Australian bar where we both got very drunk in true Aussie style, and when he invited me back to his place with the lure of homemade snacks, I said yes.

I was thinking about if this guy might be ‘the one’ (that I finally have a one-night stand with, of course), on the cab ride over, but thought maybe it would be a better idea to wait – though I knew I also didn’t really want to go on another date with him. He was attractive, but somehow just not the kind of guy I could see myself pursuing anything long-term with. When he opened the door to his rather large East Village apartment, and piles of books teeter-tottered in every room (and he started showing me his favorite vintage photo tomes of NYC), this bibliophile was sold. A guy with that many books  got the prize. My first – and only – one night stand.”

Sometimes It’s the Ex-Factor: (Luffer Von Leavher, mid-20′s):

“I’m not the world’s greatest-looking guy, but I do ok with women. I realized when I was a kid that they like it when you listen, so I do. I think hookups are fun, but recently, after I got out from under a bad relationship, I wasn’t feeling like just a random thing with any chick. I was really hurt and missing my ex, who picked a job opportunity over me, saying she ‘cared for me, but didn’t really think I was worth staying in town for.’ I knew she wasn’t right for me anyway, but still. She had this really distinctive curly blonde hair, and one night a couple weeks after the ex had left town, I was out with my buddies, and this girl with the same kind of hair was at the bar. I couldn’t help but talk to her, and it turned out she looked a bit like my ex face-wise too. She was very flirtatious.

I wondered if it would be a bad idea to get with someone who resembled my last girlfriend, and thought it might be weird. But when she grabbed my butt and looked me in the eye, I got so turned on I had to take her back to my place. Did I kind of imagine I was doing my ex? In the dark, in my bed, yeah, I did. Lucky for me, she was a lot more fun. But it was too strange to actually date her, so I never called her after that.”

Sometimes It’s No Way Even When There’s Cocktails: (Heidi Roller, late 20′s)

“I had been single for a few years and was really hitting up the online dating scene. My date appeared to be cute and funny and we were to meet at a bar/coffeehouse I had never been to before. After spending the usual amount of girlie time getting ready, I was on my way when I received a call – he had a flat on his bike. I offered to pick him up at the 7-11 he was stuck at with his broken bicycle.

When I met him at the 7-11, we proceeded to get into a slight argument about the value of putting his bicycle in my car as opposed to dealing with it later. Apparently, there was a bike shop next to the coffeehouse and he could get it fixed and ride home. After I realized I was getting nowhere with words, I let my date get in my car, we left his bicycle, and proceeded to the bar/coffeeshop.

He proceeded to order only a coffee and informed me that he only orders coffee because it is the cheapest ($2.00 to be exact) and has unlimited refills. It was at this time that I decided to start drinking alcohol. A few hours and alcoholic drinks later, I informed my date it was time to get back to the 7-11 for his bicycle. When the tab came, he offered to give me a few bucks for my drinks but I felt too bad for the guy. I ended up paying for my drinks and his coffee.

I drove him back to the 7-11. He then asked me if I could drive him to his house. I nearly left him there but did end up driving him to his house with the bicycle in the back of my car.

After arriving at his house, he tried to kiss me and then invite me in.  I declined both offers.”

Editor’s note: All names have been changed to protect the not so innocent.

Image: DavidMartynHunt, Scented_Mirror, kainr,

A celebration of men’s urban street wear.

Fashion for the urban man’s newfangled eclecticism is defined by shortcut tailoring of preppy classics paired with offbeat hats, bespoke and on-trend sneakers, designer shades and the accessory fixture that has witnessed high speed travel from Paris this summer – the essential neck wrap.

If it first took its cue from the skater-sneaker culture and hipsters on New York’s Lower East Side, the more refined hybrid still harnesses youthful flair while appealing to the 30-something working man. Metro eco means pulling off fashion jewelry and solid perfume balm by adding the edgy factor to trump any preconceived girlish references.

“Skinny style bow ties, watches, and masculine bracelets are some of my personal favorite ways to deepen my own look right now, and walking the streets of New York every day, it seems others have come to the same realization,”  shares Dan Mims, founder of The Ethical Man site catering to the upscale working man. He adds that style for men is on the march.

“Men are so much more psychologically open to it now and also the economy is tight and men have realized they need to up their game in new ways to keep the job they like and to get the one they want. The urban working man is really going for looks that can be described as sophisticated, unique and confident. This means balancing universal tenets of style with personal tastes. ”

We’ve marched out a few looks to this end:

1. The Tightly Cut classic Suit

Skinny silhouetting tweaks the Brooks Brothers classics in new sexy tailoring for suits like designs by Topman – a  leader in color and fabrications in this category.

2. Hip Sunglasses

The Proof is in the bamboo and sustainably harvested woods in the break out shades by Proof, which has a mission to look good and do good. For every pair sold, a portion goes to causes such as aiding an eye clinic in India and replanting depleted forests in Haiti.

3. The Skinny Bow Tie

Bow ties are always a statement for young men, so make sure you’re ready for the heat that comes with them. These gingham checks are handcrafted from preppy Pierrepont Hicks.

4.  Canvas Slip-Ons

Nail nautical chic with these kickers from Generic Surplus.

5. The Unisex Wristband

Bracelets, I mean wrist bands by The Ethical Man are billed as less 80′s gym class and more gladiator contest. Each piece is comprised of both software and hardware like this gray faux suede and black accent wire with a worn brass chain and hook.

Tough and cool.

6. Vintage Chambray Scarf

This chambray scarf from by Steven Alan is our top pick for cool nights.

7. Military Watch

This classic military watch by Citizen called the Eco Drive is made from stainless steel, is water resistant and never needs a battery.

8. Sustainable Sneakers

Macbeth Matthews Vegan shoes in black and grey can suit up or denim down with thin soles that are more office ready than their boarder bound cousins.

9. Skinny Neckties

Jaan J’s skinny neckties are vegan and versatile. Pluck from variety of patterns from wide stripe to tartan to a solid.

10.The Fedora

Boxcar Willy’s Fedora from Sturbanclothing has sustainability topped. The trend has no end in sight. Expect to see the fedora through to fall and flannel.

Images: The Ethical Man; Topman, iwant Proof, American Apparel, Citizen Watch, Amazon, Alternative Outfitters, Jaan J Culturata

An in-depth look at the trend of American men following a modern Buddhist path to serenity – while women flock to churches. What’s going on?

“Life is bigger than you,” sang R.E.M. in Losing My Religion, a title that rings more true now than ever when it comes to men swapping organized faith for Buddhism.

Call it the new black when it comes to spirituality. The modern Buddhist path, which has long had inroads in the West, is attracting a new wave of male practitioners seeking wisdom to navigate the Prozac age – a daunting and often bleak time distinguished by affluenza, economic and environmental mayhem and the no-escape reality show Blitzkrieg. Those quiet nature retreats stilling the mind offer the alchemy for exhausted egos seeking to shrug off superficial attachments.

Online dating sites reflect the moral Zeitgeist. In their profiles, it seems one in five available men describe themselves as “spiritual but not practicing” in the religion category. Even an overwhelming number of those affiliated with Judaism and Christianity clarify that they ascribe to Buddhist philosophies and answer to a higher calling which connects them to  humanity.

Online Buddhist Leanings

One such match seeker is J. Ren who tells a common story. The 50-year-old Berkeley man looking for love on Match says he was raised Lutheran but has an affinity for Buddhism. “I enjoy riding a bike almost everywhere and enjoy pondering that all religions are similar and that Buddhism speaks to that really well.” He adds that “goodness is everywhere except on the local news.”

Another Match seeker, 39-year-old Sirius of Mountain View, California says everyone in his family is Christian but he explores Buddhism and Zen philosophy and “it would be great to find someone who is spiritually aware along with being very tolerant of all beliefs.”

Meanwhile, 36-year-old Okay I’m Already Stuck is an entrepreneur in Santa Cruz who is spiritual and has studied Buddhism for 15 years, attending teachings and meditations weekly. “I’m motivated and stay pretty busy and don’t lead a materialistic lifestyle, and prefer to focus on non-material things,” he says. “I’ve learned already that a lot of money won’t make me happy and want a lifetime student and someone who values health, fitness and whole food.”

These reinventions of self as Buddhist in midlife seem wildly attractive to men as a way to stay grounded and identify with others outside of their born faith. If you are going to identify with a faith, this one seems to offer intellectual exploration and stimulus while avoiding the need to attach to cultural distinctions or a shared heritage.

Making Buddhism Their Own

“If you take the non-self and compassion notions taught by Buddha, you get rid of separation between egos and realize we are part of one whole, which is a more accurate picture,” explains 47-year-old Scott Adelson, a Jewish Marin County writer and EcoSalon contributing editor, who has been practicing Buddhism for the past five years. As an atheist, he found that the idea of God as creator in Jewish doctrine never spoke to him, but continues to be drawn to the idea of community-based faith and enjoys that with fellow Buddhists in the Bay Area.

“You can go to hear teachers and join group sits and retreats,” he explains. “There are talks on Monday nights at Spirit Rock Meditation Center, and we spend time together in meditation. It varies from a very structured tradition – hearing the gong and everyone comes to meditate – to a less structured environment.”

But is the environment a true brand of Buddhism or a hybrid concocted by Jew-Bu’s like Adelson? Buddhist scholars argue western converts to the teachings and tenants have contributed to the “Protestantization” of modern Buddhism as they minimize the orthodox elements of monks such as ritual, mysticism and the devotional worship of Buddhist deities, focusing instead on meditation and philosophy.

As Adelson sees it, this is simply reflective of the Indian philosophy reaching the west in the last century and interpreted by a melting pot culture.

“My sense is that it is an amalgam drawn from different schools and takes on the colorations of the culture it penetrates and encounters. A lot of people are practicing in different ways, some adherent to traditional Tibetan of Thai and an increasing number of practitioners integrating it into their own broader, philosophical and religious sensibilities, so it gets altered through the lens of the practitioner. There’s a flexibility that lends itself to a modern culture that demands flexibility.”

It is also a culture that demands psychotherapy.

The ability to work on yourself without a shrink  is another reason Buddhism is attracting an increasing number of men, according to Bay Area therapist Dana Iscoff, who says women make up the bulk of the clientele regularly visiting therapists. “Men are much less comfortable seeking therapy than women and through the Buddhist teachings they are able to do the work on themselves in a very personal and non-threatening way.”

For men already grappling with intimacy issues, feeling safe being locked in a room with a therapist for fifty minutes is also a struggle, while women are accustomed to divulging personal problems whether in therapy or over a small plates dinner with a group of pals. Opening up can be vital to working through these problems, getting past anger and pain and thriving, but as Iscoff tells us, many men have been socialized to believe harping about work and marriage is a sign of weakness.

It is this touchy-feely sensibility, or the perception of it, that is also turning men off to conventional houses of worship. That’s according to congregation leaders in the United States who link the so-called “feminizing” of the church and synagogue culture to an alarming decline in male attendance. Meantime, women are flocking to organized affiliations as never before, gaining dominance just about everywhere but the priesthood.

Is Church for Sissies?

Buddhists don’t have to sport ties, link hands and eat jello molds with chatty neighbors to form a relationship between the individual and the divine. In fact, the whole social aspect of worship is seen as inherently feminine by many observers of the hold women now have on congregations in the U.S and abroad. 

Television writer and producer David Murrow signaled the need for the church to call men back to the fold in 2005 in his book, Why Men Hate Going to Church. Murrow, a Presbyterian elder in Anchorage, argued the church has become a hostile environment for manly men who are turned off to the feminized atmosphere of the typical house of worship. Murrow cites alarming statistics showing women comprise more than 60%  of the adults in the typical worship in America.

Other quick facts cited by Murrow’s Manly Mission:

* On any given Sunday, there are 13 million more adult women than men in America’s churches. This Sunday, almost 25 percent of married, churchgoing women will worship without their husbands.

* Over 70 percent of the boys who are being raised in church will abandon it during their teens and twenties. Many will never return.

*Churches overseas report gender gaps of 9 women for every adult man in attendance.

*Christian universities are becoming convents, the typical college in the U.S. enrolling almost 2 women for every 1 man.

“From the decor to the rituals, the ministry opportunities to the language, churches are designed to appeal to their greatest constituency – women,” observes Murrow. He adds that while the leadership is often male, women constitute the backbone of most churches and even more of the volunteer force.

Murrow started the website Church for Men to call attention to the trend as a harbinger for a gender gap in organized Christianity, blaming it on the trappings of contemporary culture. He says what drives men away are the very aspects which lure women to what he terms “spiritual sorority houses.”

What makes it girly? “Church is sweet and sentimental, nurturing and nice,” he insists. “Women thrive in this environment and men do not. Everything from the compulsion to participate in singing to the pastel tones, frilly accouterments, the modern sanctuary spells trouble for keeping men in the fold.”

Synagogues Also Missing Patriarchs

The notion of feminine frills driving men out is echoed by Stephen S. Pearce, D.D., Ph.D., the senior rabbi at Congregation Emanu El in San Francisco, who argues men have been displaced by the feminization of liberal churches and synagogues as opposed to more male-dominated congregations.

“I think we need to focus on making the religious experience more meaningful for men,” says Pearce. “Our society is not nurturing men the way they ought to, beginning with boys who experience education that is more geared towards girls. If I were running a school, the boys would have recess every hour in a half and get their energy out. Now, boys have to sit in a chair and not wriggle even though they have a lot of energy at an early age and when forced to conform, they don’t succeed. It goes against their natural instinct. I’m not against women, I think they’re terrific, but not to the exclusion of men.”

Pearce has started a men’s group at his temple for members ages 20 to 70. They meet monthly to study Torah and bond socially and also attend weekend retreats which advocate a stillness of the mind to better allow a connection with the human experience – the suffering, the euphoria, the attachments and the constantly changing world around us. Did the rabbi take his cue from Buddhism?

“I once gave a sermon comparing Buddhism and Judaism and I got ripped apart because I said that the end goal in Buddhism is extinguishment- never to come back again – and in Judaism it is to perfect the world,” remembers Pearce.  “We are diametrically opposed theologically, but most people don’t give a damn about theology. They care more about ritual and what makes them feel good.”

Countering the Feminization Argument

Seeking what makes men feel good has less to do with being turned off to feminine surroundings and more to do with a generational focus on self, according to Rev. Dan Christian of St. Luke Presbyterian Church in San Rafael, California, who boasts a thriving and progressive congregation including male filmmakers and heavy metal band leaders. He says people born in 1960 and after have had little religious exposure and focusing on the self is endorsed by society.

“Churches are by and large primarily run by women so the emphasis is on feminine issues and ideas, but this isn’t going to push men away from the Christian faith, ” figures the pastor. “Any tendency towards Buddhism comes more from the connection to the self which is a generational philosophy embraced today. Buddhism is a place you can go where the whole emphasis is on you.”

This makes Buddhist teachings a no-brainer for atheists. Christian points out that unlike Judaism, Islam and Christianity, Buddhism makes no claim on a higher power. “If you are in conflict with that or an atheist by default, the issue won’t be challenged in the Buddhist setting,” he says.

But is that the best place to be? When we are serving ourselves rather than a higher power or a community, are we more in harmony with the planet or moving further towards isolation, the same phenomenon of spending countless hours with the computer for social interaction?

“In my opinion, it works to the detriment when there is such emphasis on the self,” Christian says. “Any migration to Buddhism is a reflection of that. The emphasis is not on your connection to the greater community and an expression of your faith to your neighbor but solely on you and your own satisfaction.”

Even if that’s true, it seems to have followers succumbing less to corporate brainwashing which has taught men they can elevate their spirits through distractions like expensive toys, legal drugs and flawlessly beautiful soul mates. Depressed? Take a pill. Bad relationships? Buy a high performance car. Research now shows meditation cures depression better than many pharmaceuticals. And while accumulation and big spending once defined success for men, simplicity and restraint are now associated with sustainability.

Buddhists, like Adelson, are thinkers who are after much more of what life has to offer.

“What I’m after on some level is clarity, self-awareness and a certain level of serenity, a better sense of what is going on around me and a more accurate view of my life experience and my relationships, how I travel through this world, and certainly, a level of peace,” explains Adelson. “At the end of the day, that’s what we’re all after, right?”

Images:  Spirit Rock Meditation Center; Church of Men; Bobistraveling; Akuppa; Hutchike; Luanne Bradley; Martin Roell; Dospaz

Why men’s bodies are just as beautiful as women’s.

When women’s bodies are being used to sell yet another product, one of the most common defenses from both sexes is that women’s bodies are just prettier than men’s. It’s not sexism when a woman’s curves are used to entice us to buy toothpaste and batteries; it’s just that women are so much more lovely, you see. Implied is the idea that if men’s bodies were somehow less visually unfortunate, their bodies would be used, too. I call bullocks.

Men’s bodies are just as attractive as women’s. Certainly, the Greeks thought so. (Or, they are both unattractive compared to a truly graceful animal like a cheetah. My personal taste leans toward the latter – human beings’ patchy hair, awkward upright walk, and usually unfit bodies aren’t so beautiful compared to many other animals.) However you see the relative attractiveness of human bodies, it is a cultural idea, not an inherent truth, that women are more beautiful than men.

In feminist studies, the idea that a whole society learns to see through heterosexual, male eyes is termed the “male gaze.” How many thousands of movies have you watched in your life, how many photographs created from the male perspective? A movie with negligible female casting or character development is for everyone, and women and girls are expected to enjoy and empathize with male characters all the time  – reverse that and it’s called a chick flick. There are men who have no problem putting themselves in a woman’s perspective while reading a book or watching a film. These men prove that being only interested, willing or able to see from the male perspective is learned, so they are a good example (not to mention better dates).

That generations of women have grown up seeing the world through the lens of a straight male gaze would yield the unsurprising result of women considering women’s bodies to be more beautiful than men’s. But I challenge you to imagine a world where men’s bodies are used as commonly as women’s to indicate beauty, a future where perfectly sculpted men’s thighs and calves rather than women’s are used to hawk plasmas and sneakers.

As a straight woman, I have precious few opportunities outside company with my significant other to enjoy the male body as casually and as constantly as my heterosexual guy friends do. Yes, of course I can search out male art photography, but most of that is also from the vantage point of men (gay men produce some gorgeous male nude art, but it’s not from a woman’s perspective). And the few places where men’s bodies are celebrated and exemplified seem to focus on what men think women want to see, not what women actually like looking at. It helps when the photographer is a woman, like Lynda Churilla, whose work, shown above, is viewable at Robin Rice Gallery.

Gradually, we are seeing more attractive men’s bodies in media; perhaps this is a trend in the making? Until then, I always have the archives of hot soccer players from the World Cup (Jezebel’s “thighlights” being a particular fave of mine).

QuoteDaily quotes at EcoSalon.

“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.” – Alice Walker

Image: Haags Uitburo

EcoSalon recently published the hit article, “20 Must Read Books for Women,” in which you probably noticed a few books you’ve read and a few others that you’d like to read, as well. What you might have also noticed was that the list included no books written by men.

Might there be must-reads for women written by male authors? We’re not talking about tomes that you’d file under the “how to better understand the blue side of the species” (read: self-help for guys, porn, or maybe bios on Messrs. Churchill or Jordan). Just solid works, by men, that might be of such great value to a female audience that someone might place them in the “don’t miss” bin.

Continuing the series of must read books, we’re offering an addendum our previous list and presenting five books written by men that we think would be great for women readers. And as a yin to our yang, noting that the guys ought to be reading more essentials by women, we’re also offering five books written by women that would do well on any man’s bookshelf.

Five books for women, written by men:

1. The Garden of Eden, Ernest Hemingway – Bravado and bulls have had Papa pegged as guy’s writer going back to “The Sun Also Rises” (1926) and Jake Barnes’ classic last line to Lady Brett Ashley: “Isn’t it pretty to think so.” But Ernest Hemingway remains a quintessential American master, whose crisp, quick sentences act as simple brush stokes to create unflinchingly real and complex images, relationships and storylines. In “The Garden of Eden” (published posthumously in 1986) he shows a depth and tenderness that’s unburdened by Great War or greater fish. Here, Hemingway tells the tale of a love triangle, androgyny and gender reversal, putting down his gloves and allowing access to a wide(r?) range of readers into his inimitable world and style.

2. The World According to Garp, John Irving – In his 1978 classic “The World According to Garp,” John Irving’s  male hero navigates an obstacle course of a life chock full of tricky sexual relations, male vulnerability and ignorance, and sometimes extreme feminism. The book features bold, loving and dangerous female characters (as well as a fantastic cross-dressing nurse), who surround Garp as he struggles to find his place in life and tell his story. Irving handles characters of both sexes extraordinarily well, displaying an ambidexterity that’s not easy to come by and speaks to the difficultly of making book suggestions like these difficult in the first place.

3. True Grit, Charles Portis – A classic western with uncharacteristic depth, Charles Portis’ “True Grit” (1968) lacks none of gun-slinging, foul language and, yes, grit of the greatest American entries in this genre. Its character sensitivities and ambiguities, however, are seldom seen in such novels, save perhaps in that of the work of the great Cormac McCarthy (“All the Pretty Horses,” “Blood Meridian,” “No Country for Old Men”). Unlike McCarthy, Portis’ bleak landscape offers up a sad humor regarding the human condition, as heroine Mattie Ross recalls the great adventure of her childhood in which she seeks to avenge the death of her father with the help renegade lawmen. Read the book before seeing the Coen brothers’ super remake of the John Wayne classic.

ities

4. Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, David Foster Wallace – There’s been a lot of talk lately about the current generation of male authors’ inability to deal with sex and sexual issues. Some, like NYU’s Katie Roiphe, point to a reactive, “wimping out” of the sensitive male, a “new purity” of “self-conscious paralysis.” David Foster Wallace, however, had a knack for staring down our culture on many issues, including sexual relations. In this 1998 collection of short stories (a number of which bear the book’s title), Wallace explores many modern themes, including sexual alienation. Never an easy read, Wallace is always worth the effort. His short stories and essays are an excellent way access to his work and an alternative for those who are reticent to scale his dense masterpiece, “Infinite Jest.”

5. American Pastoral, Philip Roth – Up there with Norman Mailer as the male writer most consistently pummeled for unrepentant misogyny, big bad Philip Roth’s primal scream of “Portnoy’s Complaint” (his celebrated 1969 novel that so prevalently featured its main character’s penis) has softened into an older, wiser, sadder sigh in this masterwork. It’s not so much that Roth seems to have rethought his view of the relationship between men and women, per se, but more like the evidence is in that, as his characters have aged, infatuation with that issue is somehow beside the point – and was perhaps a red herring all along. Here, a man’s traditional middle class experience is upended by the historical elements and trace madness that weaved their way through the American landscape in second half of 20th century.

And five books for men, written by women:

6. The Handmaid’s Tale, Margaret Atwood – Margaret Atwood’s dystopian masterpiece (which made our previous must-read list) presents a futuristic nightmare for all women, where a male-dominated extremist faction has taken over the nation and created a world where women are forbidden to read, work, or have their own name; their roles, from servant to child bearer, are determined by the men who control their lives. The chilling effect of the story is made more severe by the tone of Atwood’s prose that offers emotions and imagery of true fear in a world whose potential “realness” (think a Western version of Taliban Afghanistan) will make any reader shudder.

7. A Visit from the Goon Squad, Jennifer Egan – Magnificent craftsmanship and a unique use of postmodern technique give Jennifer Egan’s recent novel (2010) a cross-time, cross-genre sensibility, and a certain humanity that one might find lacking in the cooler works of Don DeLillo, Paul Auster and other well-known, male postmodern masters. Egan’s book opens with story of a kleptomaniac woman and jumps from chapter to chapter, with each one bringing a seemingly ancillary character into the spotlight without regard to chronology or consistency of style. What emerges is a sense of realism and emotional breadth that could not come from a simple “once-upon-a-time” experience.

8. The Young Romantics, Daisy Hay – Our lists’ only non-fiction entry is a biographical work that not only reexamines the lives of some history’s most famous men, but does so in the context of the women who shared their lives, offering up a new, more accurate approach to the entire genre. Daisy Hay looks at Percy Bysshe Shelley, Lord Byron and the other Romantic Era authors, examining  their lives as unified matrix, rather than as purely individual stories, showing how their interpersonal relationships affected both their creative and personal selves. Mary Shelley, the author of “Frankenstein” (a certain contender for this half of our list) is in fact the epicenter of the story, lending a more feminist (and in this case accurate) approach to exploring the period. Most important, though, is that the book is just a great read, with the feel of excellent historical fiction. Really, you can’t make this stuff up.

9. Death Comes for the Archbishop, Willa Cather – Willa Cather’s evokes the emerging American West by eliciting depth and complexity from basic character archetypes to capture a sense of the nation in a uniquely powerful manner. “Death Comes for the Archbishop” (1927) tells the story of two men, Bishop Jean Marie Latour (an intellectual “tower”) and his friend Father Joseph Vaillant (a valiant defender of the faith) who are charged with taking over a Spanish diocese in New Mexico after the territory is acquired by the United States. The works taps into the relationship between ideas and the frontier landscape and as such rings true as an authentic American tale without swollen bravado and fanfare.

10. A Spy in the House of Love, Anais Nin – Anais Nin’s 1954 novel emerges from the mind of Sabina, a married women involved in a number of adulterous affairs, who sees herself a spy or witness to her own experiences. Nin’s dreamy, yet unflinching  style (that also lends itself so well her erotic writings) creates a intense psychological atmosphere, where the reader crawls inside the thought processes and sensitivities of a woman as she betrays the man she loves in order to explore her own personal nuances. Inside info, guys? Maybe. An ethereal, semi-autobiographical tale that offers an intimate view into a woman’s complicated life.

Main Image: Valerie Everett

Being a woman in the 21st century is not a piece of cake. It wasn’t easy in 1950 or at any other time in history, either. But in 2011, in today’s universe that keeps getting bigger and faster and richer, it takes serious cojones to be a girl.

Today more than ever, women are bombarded with expectations – be beautiful, bear a baby, become a millionaire, be educated, be a good wife and please do it all while being good to the planet. So, anything else?

Never mind, don’t answer that.

Yes, there are obstacles, but I celebrate the women who break the mold and laugh at conformity. They are brave, outspoken and rather revolutionary. What is it that we girls tolerate least of all? Being told what we need to be happy.

So, I’m here to smash a few of these assumptions. I’ll do so without bearing a grudge or turning against men because I love being a woman. And in my opinion (humble as it may be), getting angry never got us anywhere other than backlash and behind where we started.

Here’s our list of things women don’t need in order to be happy:

1. A child. It’s true, our eggs get older and less viable as we age. There comes a point when we just can not have a baby, whether we have a hankerin’ for it or not. There’s no denying biology or the clock. But a childless woman is not necessarily an unhappy or devastated one. In fact it’s possible to feel quite free and fancy, sexy and spontaneous. And I can personally attest to the fact that there is absolutely no greater pleasure in my life than being an aunt to Rose and Jack. My heart explodes with love for them, but you know the catch…um, returnable.

2. A wedding. If I learned anything by watching friends and colleagues get matched, married and divorced over the past 20 years, it’s this – weddings are a great party, but mostly they just cost a mountain of money, a monstrous amount of stress and aren’t always worth their weight in white cake. Nothing costs as much, has the potential to rip families apart rather than bring them together, and is over faster than wedding night foreplay. Just elope – it’s easy, cheap and just think of all the extra time you’ll have for foreplay.

3. A diamond ring. By no means does a diamond a girl make. And anyway, a diamond is far from the best choice when it comes to sustainable stones. There are plenty of other far superior options if that’s what you need to signify your relationship status. But why wait for someone else to shower you with the shiny? I revel in my single-hood and independence and joy in shopping for a precious piece of jewelry for myself. You should, too. Especially if he can’t (or won’t) buy it for you.

4. A perfect body. Well, actually…this one would be nice. Admit it. But “perfect” is such an ugly word. We’d much rather be happy than perfect, right? Right? Actually, I don’t know many women who are completely satisfied with their physique. There’s usually a little here or there that we’d prefer to improve, but skinny is not a requirement for happy. My friends come in all shapes and sizes, and their happiness depends on deeper issues. Thinking that once we get to this place of perfect, we will have joy? We all know the answer to that one.

5. A thousand friends and followers. As in Facebook and Twitter, of course. In the beginning (when was that anyway?), I spent way too much time worrying about my worthiness in the world in relation to my number of social media connections. Come to realize, I may not be a maven but I’m worth my weight in effort and outspokenness. I do not need to meet a certain number to feel like I’ve made it. Who can be effective with that many followers, anyway? (Follow me though, really, if you aren’t already. Follow me! @kimderby77)

6. A man. Who needs one when there are plenty of gorgeous women to hang out with? Seriously, don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. I dated a woman for two years, and it’s fun and different (and entirely personal of course). But just sayin’. Never say never, because I did and I’m still eating my words.

7. A pair of perky breasts. Again, this would be nice and definitely more probable if we abide by number 1 above, but not necessary or impossible if not. A gorgeous, lacy and luxuriously padded bra will do the trick.

8. A soul-mate. Don’t believe in them. Never have and never will. One person who we are destined to be with forever? Silliness. Life is a random flow of crossing paths and we will probably connect with more than a few people on a deep, spiritual, other-worldly level. And if things don’t work out after truly trying, well, move on. Whoever said we should stay together for the kids, through pain and suffering, never set foot in my house growing up.

9. A partner with a low sex drive. Excuse me while I fall off my chair laughing. I hear all kinds of stories, especially from women with babies who lose interest and couldn’t be bothered. I’m terribly sorry. Seriously. But the average woman without hangups whose hormones are level and loaded should be totally driven in this department. End of story.

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Image: anastasiyamaleeva

If the green movement had its own Santa Claus, would he have a green beard or would she wear a vegan cape? Business News Daily reports that a new survey shows the archetypal green buyer would be a younger female with a post-graduate degree. Further, the least likely green consumer would be a man over the age of 55 years.

According to a survey from Crowd Science’s Just Ask! “men are nearly twice as likely to believe that buying products marketed as green makes no difference.” Sandra Marshall is vice president of research for Crowd Science. As she told Business News Daily, “We’re seeing an interesting gap in what we call ‘green shopitudes’ when you consider gender, age, and education. Women and younger age groups appear to be more eco-centric when it comes to shopping practices.”

That’s great for women, but where does this leave the menfolk? We asked our own Scott Adelson to weigh in. As Scott tells it, “I always was of the notion that too many men see the idea of legacy as an individualistic concept, rather than a communal one. This is by no means always the case, but it seems that women have a better ear for issues like the environment, education, even health care.”

Further, does buying green mean you’re committed to all things eco? Personally, I think anyone who makes an effort to take out the recycling deserves props, but you’re going to find people who think being green means eating vegan. Or driving a Prius. Or supporting environmental initiatives. Or yes, buying green. Sure, it seems silly to be caught up in labels, but when a large percent of the population devotes itself to attacking the science of climate change and more, it’s not the worst thing to pick up a banner and wave it.

And what does this really say about gender issues in the green movement? If I look at my own coterie of friends, I can’t really say that gender plays a significant factor. True, many of my “greener” friends are women. Most are also mothers of young children, contributing heavily to their interest in a toxin-free lifestyle.

But my husband is arguably greener than I am, especially when it comes to debating the contents of the recycling bin. (Me? I tend to follow this guide; he’s a little more adventurous.) I know three or so men whose opinions espouse exactly what is being touting in this study. My friend Dave is convinced that green labeling is just a giant marketing scam. But for every Dave I know a Scott Adelson or a Brian Clark Howard or a Jeffrey Davis.

Then again, my unscientific sampling of friends doesn’t compete with a formal study. Do you agree that women tend to shop greener than men, or are in fact a deeper shade of green?

Image: aerokev