The Sex Spreadsheet, Untangled: Can You ‘Owe’ Someone Sex? Sexual Healing

sex spreadsheet

ColumnA petulant husband recently emailed his wife a sex spreadsheet, detailing all the moments she’d rejected his sexual advances during the previous month. She posted it on Reddit, where her sexcuses quickly went viral. The Internet had a solid laugh.

Aside from the much-needed LOL we got from the sex spreadsheet story during a week of grueling, awful news, it brings up an important question – is it possible to owe your partner sexual satisfaction in the same way you owe payments on your student loan? In short, no. But it’s not always that simple.

When, if, how and why we have sex within our committed relationships is generally fraught with complexity and confusion. We’re understandably made more vulnerable when our advances are rebuffed – this is true for men and women, gay and straight people and everyone in-between. Every relationship and its attendant sexual rhythm is unique — yet some gender stereotypes still prevail.

In the old story, when heterosexual men signed up for marriage, they bought a virgin with an engagement ring. Put a ring on it and your wifey will put a ring on… well, you get my point.

Three months salary is probably worth it to the men who continue to think these antiquated thoughts. After choosing a mate the “man of the house” expects that his partner’s “wifely duty” will be done as compensation for his hard work – this absurd bit of misogyny seemed to hit its apotheosis in the middle of the 20th century. Oh, 1950s – you were just the best.

This model of sexual relations is grounded in the idea that women have no sexual desire, let alone sexual agency. Forget about love, romance, or sex – this worldview says all women are seeking is a good provider. That this outmoded concept (how it was ever “moded” I have no idea) still propels so many men – and women – into marriage is unthinkable, especially to those of us who have heard of feminism.

The first husband’s sex spreadsheet begat another wife’s sex spreadsheet. Equality! (These two are not married to each other, just to be clear.)

What this sex spreadsheet-making is really doing is telling us that a lot of people have crappy sex lives and that they resent it enough to make it public. I don’t know how their sex lives got to be that way, but I can take a stab at why the womenfolk are unsatisfied.

Women aren’t taught to value sex – we hear so often that we’re biologically primed to value romance and companionship over carnal desire that we eventually believe this defines who we are. Evolutionary psychology continues to attempt to use “science” to prove that men want the sex and women want the money. Except they’re taking somewhat recently established cultural norms, ones that have clear historical trajectories, and trying to prove that our paleo ancestors must’ve felt the same way. Instead of parsing the history, they’re looking at the “Real Housewives” and reducing it to, “Me cave man, you woman.” And it ever was thus. Except it wasn’t.

More and more science is showing that, in fact, women’s sexual desire has deeper wells than men’s does. The old trope about men wanting/needing sex more than women is proving to be patently false. (I’ve often recommended Daniel Bergner’s “What Do Women Want” as a primer in this arena — if you’ve ever wondered about your own libido, or are just curious about the myths and realities of women’s desires — the history of our sexual longing — give it a read.)

So if there is indeed a an epidemic of women having classic headaches, feeling exhausted, or “sweaty and gross” to quote the original sex spreadsheet lady, and so on, what’s the deal?

Perhaps they never really wanted their husbands in the first place, but married them anyway. I think this is a lot more widespread than we ever considered. Because women are constantly told not just that their desire doesn’t matter, but that their libidos are weaker than men’s, why would they put sexual satisfaction high on their must-have list for marriage?

Also, WOMEN TRULY ARE EXHAUSTED. That’s not an excuse. We’re working full-time, raising children, cleaning houses and trying to “have it all” even though I don’t believe that’s really a thing because the wrong people are defining what “all” is. But that’s for another column.

Some women learn that it’s ok to have lots of sex in college, before marriage, but you “put those things away” once you settle down, thus settling for the good, unsexy guy. This, I guess, is supposed to be one step up from not being allowed to have sex at all, except for procreation. (There is a shockingly huge number of people that believe pleasure is a sin.)

I have nothing against good guys — long may they reign — but I do wonder if women are shutting down their natural libidos and “settling” in order to what — not be spinsters? Get the babies done? It all boils down to one thing — sexual needs are being met last. This doesn’t mean that you should spend your life chasing after bad boys — it just means you might want to consider seeking partners that meet ALL your needs. Why continue dating someone that doesn’t turn you on, with whom you have no chemistry — simply because he’s kind and seems to love you? Or that you get along really well? These are nice, important things — but check in with yourself to see if you’re devaluing your sexual needs because you think you need something else more.

Maybe you didn’t settle (or don’t plan to) but your partner isn’t trying as hard as he once did to please you. Maybe it was really hot at the beginning simply because the chemistry was off the hook — but now you need more and he’s not asking you what you need. Maybe you have secret fantasies that you’ve been too shy to share. Communication is the key to all of the above.

One final note on monogamy. I believe it’s not really possible long-term, despite every rom-com you’ve ever seen. If you’re two, three, five or seven years into a relationship and you’re feeling the itch — YOU ARE NORMAL. One way to deal with this is to tell your partner you have a headache, and live a life of quiet resignation, devoid of pleasure.

Another way is to be honest at the outset — with yourself and with your partner. Even the hottest, craziest sexual attraction can eventually wane — you have to be prepared to feel differently a few years down the road, without serving your partner a spreadsheet.

Join Stefanie on a journey to the authentic heart of your sexual self with Project 40: Sadism, Masochism, Sexuality & Shadow, an online 40-day tour through the heart of your psyche via intensive journaling, ritual, and guided daily emails. 

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie at ecosalon dot com, and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter@ecosexuality

Related on EcoSalon

Do you Demand Pleasure Parity?

The Art of Receiving: Do You Deserve Sexual Pleasure

Extinguish Sexual Shame by Claiming Your Authentic Desire

image via deadspin

Stefanie Iris Weiss

Stefanie Iris Weiss is the author of nine books, including her latest title–Eco-Sex: Go Green Between the Sheets and Make Your Love Life Sustainable (Crown Publishing/Ten Speed Press, 2010). She keeps her carbon footprint small in New York City, where she writes about sustainability, sexuality, reproductive rights, dating and relationships, politics, fashion, beauty, and more. Stefanie is a regular contributor to British Elle, and has written for Above Magazine, Nerve, The Daily Green, Marie Claire, EcoSalon and Teen Vogue, to name a few. Her HuffPost blog is sometimes controversial. Stefanie is an on-and-off adjunct professor when not busy writing and teaching about sustainable love. A vegetarian and eco-activist since her teen years, Stefanie has made her passion into her work, and she wouldn't want it any other way. She believes that life is always better when there's more pleasure, and sustainable satisfaction is the best kind. Learn more about her various projects at ecosex.net and follow her on Twitter: @ecosexuality.