Under the (Eco-Friendly) Knife

-

So, Lady Reader, you want to be green. You want to live sustainably, reduce your carbon footprint, minimize the ecological havoc your lifestyle is wreaking on the planet and grow herbs on your windowsill. Fabulous. But you’re no dumpster-diving freegan. You don’t want to stop wearing makeup and start composting your tampons. You’re an American: you don’t just want to look good, you want to look good forever and ever.

Your (fashion-forward) clothes are sustainably made. Your skin and haircare products are as pure and wholesome as Justin Bieber’s smile. It’s time to tackle the final frontier and try some eco-friendly plastic surgery. Letting time take its toll on the human frame may be “ecologically sound” and “part of the natural life cycle” but it’s also ugly and full of neck flap. So what’s a eco- and body-image-conscious woman to do?

The Japanese, always at the forefront of mind-bendingly terrifying advances in science and medicine, recently pioneered a “natural breast implant” made from human fat and stem cells instead of the usual grab-bag of PVC, platinum and other chemicals. There are already a handful of American surgeons performing the procedure (as seen in Life & Style Magazine!).

But the real prize has to go to Dr. Craig Alan Bittner, Beverly Hills plastic surgeon and former liposuctionist to the stars, for his ingenious solution to the problem of what to do with all that leftover celebrity fat. Normally, the fat removed by liposuction is incinerated or otherwise disposed of a fairly carbon-intensive process. The ingenious doctor, rather than waste such a perfectly good resource, claimed to have converted his car to run on “lipodiesel.” Clean, efficient, eco-friendly human fat. And you were proud of yourself for driving a hybrid. He’s also packed up shop and moved to South America after a slew of lawsuits and malpractice accusations, where he’s presumably injecting jaguars with free-range Botox. It’s a brave new world. Why not try a brave new you?

ConspiracyofHappiness

Mallory Ortberg

Mallory resides in San Francisco, California. You can catch her weekly Sex By Numbers column.