Behaviors girls learn in grade school can sabotage them at work later in life. 

Rachel Simmons’ newly reissued book Odd Girl Out shines a spotlight on tween and teen girls’ behavior, as well as its effects on women’s relationships in adulthood. In an earlier article on EcoSalon We’re All Mean Girls, Sometimes we talked about Odd Girl Out with Simmons and how through conversations with a diverse set of girls in different schools and different parts of the country, a picture of repressive, unhealthy girl behavior emerged. Her work, while anecdotal, coincides with statistics and studies that also show the ingrained behaviors that plague women in the workplace decades later.

In the U.S., women still only hold 14.4 percent of executive officer seats and 15.7 percent of board seats in Fortune 500 companies. There has been much discussion about why more women aren’t getting ahead at work. Some obvious factors contribute, such as women leaving the workforce to raise children and male-dominated industries that are still female-unfriendly, but pro-women heavyweights like Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg and Morning Joe’s Mika Brzezinski focus on women’s behavior to change the leadership seesaw.

Among the criticisms of women in the workplace is their inability to negotiate for themselves, a reluctance to take sole credit for good work, wanting to be liked, and a general attitude of “good girl” behavior. Simmons writes that growing up, girls are taught to be “nice” girls, to be happy, show no emotion, and put others’ needs before theirs.

Not all good girl behavior is bad, but collectively and subconsciously, it has combined to hold women back. After spending their formative years of learning the “nice” girl code of behavior, women discover that the workplace demands different behavior and has a new set of rules.

Overt Confidence is Bad for Good Girls
Girls learn at a young age that other girls punish them if they “think they’re all that.” Girls can be confident, but not flaunt it. One girl told Simmons, “You should be noticed, but not calling attention to yourself. Have good posture and be confident and stand out but without saying anything.” Simmons writes that by fifth grade, girls know that to stand out is dangerous.

Many would say girls have more opportunities today than ever before, but the lessons learned in grade school girl culture create internal barriers to achieving them.

“Today’s girls come of age in a world that has replaced the glass ceiling with a space station. The twenty-first-century girl is a pro ballplayer, a CEO-in-training, a fighter pilot. She is anything she wants to be. Today, girl power is a cultural juggernaut. And yet. The message that modesty and restraint are the essence of femininity persists. Contemporary feminist research shows that our culture continues to pressure girls to be chaste, quiet, thin, and giving, denying the desire for sexual pleasure, voice, food, and self-interest. … The fear of being called “all that” and the demonization of girls who appear assertive or self-satisfied force underground the very behavior girls need to become successful.”

Not only is blatant confidence met with anger and disdain, girls learn to stay silent, to quell their own voices and try to be invisible, traits that often follow women into adulthood and the workplace.

I’m Worth More
When women sit down at the negotiating table to make the case for how they are worth more, to list their achievements and fight for more compensation, they are also fighting against intense socially ingrained behavior and societal pressure to not trumpet their accomplishments.

At the same time, women take it harder when their request for additional compensation is denied. Simmons said, “Girls avoid situations where they are told no, so when they grow into adulthood, they are not as accustomed to hearing it as boys are, and take it harder. Girls need to learn to ask appropriately and take rejection better, so they can learn from it and ask again in the future.” And when they grow up, they can take these skills with them into the workplace.

I Did It All By Myself
In her TED Talk, Why We Have Too Few Women Leaders, Sandberg talks about several female behaviors that sabotage women’s advancement. She cites women’s habits of giving credit to external factors for a job well done, while men tend to take sole credit for good work. This makes men seem qualified, self-sufficient and competent, and women seem to need help to get ahead.

But What About All My Flaws?
Girls have long memories, remembering slights and infractions like elephants. This also plays a part in negotiations where women might remember small flaws in their work and feel hesitant about championing themselves, whereas men look at the positive big picture of their accomplishments and tend to gloss over their own small missteps.

I’m Sorry, But…
Girls learn to say “I’m sorry” early and often for various reasons. Women lead conversations with “I’m sorry…” as a reflex good girl action. For her book, Knowing Your Value: Women, Money and Getting What You’re Worth, Brzezinski interviewed many high profile women leaders who reported making the same mistake. In business, this starts every conversation at a disadvantage that’s hard, if not impossible, to recover from.

Of Course I Follow the Rules. What? Men Don’t?
Good girls follow the rules. During her TED talk, Sandberg told a story about giving a talk to her employees. She concluded the talk by saying that she would take only two questions. After the two questions, all the women put their hands down, but the men kept theirs up and Sandberg continued to take questions. A woman came up to her afterward and said that she had learned that day to keep her hand up. Men who keep their hands up get more opportunities. Women who put theirs down and follow the rules, don’t capitalize on as many chances.

But When I Act Like a Man, No One Likes It
Women who are perceived as acting like men at work are not well received by either men or women. Brzezinski cites a Harvard Business School case study to illustrate how different society’s perception is of strong men and women in the workplace as it pertains to IO psychology.

One professor took the case of Heidi Roizen, a successful Silicon Valley entrepreneur, and changed the name and other gender-identifying information to Howard Roizen. He presented the female version to one set of students, and the male version to another. Both Heidi and Howard were described as aggressive managers and take-charge executives. The students then ranked Heidi and Howard on several traits including likability and generosity. Although both sets of students were given identical information (except name/gender change), they rated Heidi as less likable, less generous and more power hungry, manipulative and assertive than Howard. The students indicated that they thought Heidi could do her job, but wasn’t very likable, but wanted to hang out with Howard outside of work.

This data also showed that while men judged Heidi harshly, women were especially likely to judge other women more harshly than they judged men. This surprised the researchers, especially since the audience was graduate students in their mid-twenties. Simmons’ interviewees would not be surprised by this. In school they already live in a girl-eat-girl world.

You Like Me, You Really Like Me.
Many say that women worry too much about wanting to be liked at work. Simmons found that throughout childhood, girls’ self worth is wrapped up in their social standing and friendships. Although work friendships can be competitive, they can also be an extremely important source of support for women. Given that aggressive male-type behavior is looked at unfavorably, most women realize that being liked at work by superiors and peers is as important as doing their job to the best of their ability.

In his advice about being liked at work, CEO of The Employment Research Institute, A. Harrison Barnes, cautions against some learned girl behavior, like becoming identified with a single clique at work and talking unfavorably about another coworker, but reinforces some “good girl” behavior like making your superiors feel important, listening (but not talking too much), inquiring about others, and “keeping your head down and smiling.” Girls may internalize good girl behavior, but society looks for and expects it.

I Know I Should Not Show Any Negative Emotion
This lesson is the only one that stays the same. Emotion equals weakness in grade school and in business. In former vice president Dick Cheney’s recent autobiography, he recounts an instance where he claims that former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice tearfully told him he was right about something they had previously disagreed about. Many commented that he portrayed her this way to make her look weak, unprofessional and ineffectual—as tears always do.

An obviously irritated Rice countered, saying that the conversation had taken place, but she was absolutely not tearful. Girls learn early that to be emotional or accused of overreacting is to watch your credibility plummet. This doesn’t change as adults, especially in the workplace.

What We Bring to the Conference Table
Many women have successfully left these behaviors behind, set their sights on leadership, found a way to lead in their own style and made it to the top and many organizations are the better for it. Several studies highlight the unique characteristics that women bring to leadership, including one by Caliper that reports that women leaders were more persuasive, had more empathy, flexibility and sociability, were resilient, lead by listening first before making a decision, pushed the boundaries and took more risks. More women serving on corporate boards also results in more informed decision making (women represent half the customer base and make more than 80 percent of household purchasing decisions) and a healthier financial picture.

I’m the Leader. But It’s Lonely
When women become leaders, it’s isolating – exactly what girls have learned to fear. Women who lead can’t be too familiar with the coworkers she has to lead, she has to make her own decisions, and stand alone against the crowd when her decisions are unpopular or difficult. The higher women go, the lonelier it is.

Can I Get Some Support?
Although they can be scarce, women who lead find support in mentors and sponsors. Mentors are people to bounce ideas off of and get career advice, while sponsors open the door to further opportunities. Women who find and cultivate these relationships realize that they have a solid professional support system, even friends—and that keeps the isolation at bay.

We Need to Teach Girls to Find Their Own, New Way
The tide is turning. Women in our generation may have “blown it,” but there are a host of environmental, societal and psychological factors working against success. The women who have made it should be applauded.

If women, as girls, learn that confidence and accomplishment are things to be proud of, in themselves and others, then they can negotiate for themselves with pride, take proper credit for their work, and advocate for other women. Instead of speaking at Barnard’s commencement, perhaps Sandberg would have more long-reaching impact if she gave that speech at an eighth grade graduation.

image: Stephane Vervalle, americanistadechiapas, mirimcfly, Steve Snodgrass