Author Katherine Butler imagines what Heather Morris’ diary entries would look like if she were the black-eyed starlet.
So tomorrow’s the big day, and I am soooo nervous. I mean, I’m shooting with Tyler Shields. Tyler Shields! You know, the guy who photographed Lindsay Lohan holding a gun to her head and had everyone freaking out? I mean, I’m sure Tyler didn’t mean for it to come off like she wants to kill herself. Even when she was all bloody and holding a knife in her bloody mouth. Right?
Isn’t that just art? And I’m not the only one who says so. ArtInfo tasked Tyler why he likes to depict young starlets in violent positions. They even asked him why rape and blood are reoccurring themes in his pictures. Gross, right? But he said he it’s all about perspective. He said “Maybe dominance is a better word than rape” and “I’m not into the idea of the raping of women, but I think it can be sexy. I think in a dominant situation, dominance can be sexy.” So, it’s totally cool. Rape isn’t cool, but it can be sexy because being dominating is sexy! So rape is sexy! Wait, no, that’s not what he meant. Was it?
Anyway, my agents think it’s a good idea to shoot with Tyler. La Agent even said my image needs some “edge.” I mean, Emma Roberts shot with Tyler and there wasn’t THAT much blood. It wasn’t even on her. And she’s Julia’s niece, Hollywood royalty, so you know it’s okay.
Oh. My. God. Today was the photo shoot with Ty and it’s was crazy. But like, crazy in the good way. I think. I mean, I can’t get this makeup off my face for anything. I think I need makeup to cover up my makeup – I read somewhere that greenish colors can hide bruises, does that count if the bruises are fake?
Here’s the haps, though. I didn’t end up holding a gun or bleeding externally or anything (yay!), but Tyler had this idea that I be a “bruised-up Barbie doll.” I don’t really know what that meant, but he was just so sweet, and then everyone was so friendly and asking me if I was comfortable or relaxed or thirsty. I was really thirsty – how did he know? – and they were so generous with the water. Why is water always so good when you’re thirsty?
Anyway, back to the shoot. I asked Tyler if he was going to make me all bloody, and he was like “No way, you’re so beautiful and pure. You’re like a Barbie doll. But Barbie’s plastic, and you’re this gorgeous, beautiful, vulnerable woman. You’re so real, baby doll. And you know what’s real? Bruises. Bruises that powerful women get while bound at the wrists with wire from household appliances. It totally makes sense, trust me. I’m an artist.”
I thought that sounded a little strange, but then the crew started joining in. CeeCee the makeup artist was like “Let’s just try a little plum makeup under your eye” and the next thing I knew, I had a black eye! It was so weird. I felt a little strange and thought of those pictures of Rihanna when Chris Brown beat her up. I asked Tyler about that, so he said we should do a pose where I’m attacking him with my iron. So I’m the one in control. And we were smiling all wacky. I look like I’m getting beaten up, but I’m having fun. So it’s a cool message to be sending.
La Agent just called and said she saw the shots and I look totally gorgeous. “It’s just what you need, sweetie, to get your name out there. The bloggers are going to go nuts. You’re so in!” I’m excited – bloggers can be kind of mean, but I made art and people are going to talk about it. What could go wrong?
Oh my God, the pictures just went viral! Here they are. People are calling me the meanest names. They think we’re glorifying violence against women! Tyler called Ryan Seacreast or E News or something and said we weren’t. He told them what he told me, “We wanted to do a bruised-up Barbie shoot and that’s exactly what we did!”
I mean, I guess I can see why people are so upset. But we didn’t mean that way! I meant for people to talk about me, and Tyler meant for people to still think he’s super controversial and relevant.
Sighs. Someone even said we looked like we were making violence look enjoyable because I’m smiling in the shoot. Don’t they know I’m an actress? I have to smile! And plus, my eye’s not even bloodshot. If someone had really punched me, I bet I’d have a bloodshot eye. It’s totally not realistic that my eye would be so clear and blue. So isn’t it obvious it’s fake?
And sometimes women get black eyes when they’re like, being athletic. Maybe I had just been like boxing in my dress right before ironing? I’m totally sure that’s happened at some point. It’s really feminist if you think about it.
Some hyper woman from some women’s group sent me some statistics. So one out of four women has experienced domestic abuse in her lifetime. And nearly three out of four women know someone who has been abused. And on average, more than three women and one man are murdered by their partners every day in this country.
Okay, yeah, that’s a lot of people. Their point is that domestic violence is really serious and people don’t think that a pretty actress with clear eyes and good teeth should be smiling through it like it’s fun.
Okay, so much better! TMZ just reported that Ty totally has things under control. After TMZ called our pictures “brutal” they then said Tyler will be auctioning off the photo of me with the black eye, starting at $100k, and will donate “every single cent he makes to a stop domestic violence charity.” That’s so sweet! I mean, I guess he could just donate the money himself and not like, auction it first. But someone’s going to buy it and like hang it up as art. Because doesn’t being against domestic violence mean you get to hang a picture of a battered woman in your home? Art can’t be considered wrong, because it’s art. So there.
Whew, what a ride. It’s a holiday weekend and I think the coast is clear. But you know what? I totally learned an important message. If you do something that’s going to offend people, you win. La Agent called and said hits are SO UP on my name and that everyone is talking about me. Just like we meant them too! Even people who are being mean to me are just feeding the machine. Maybe the United Nations will ask me to be an ambassador for goodwill or hope or something? What if George Clooney wants to star with me? Hooray for Hollywood! Xoxox HM
Photos courtesy of Tyler Shields.