ColumnWhat is date rape? It’s rape. If only that was all that needed to be said.

I really feel like the question, “what is date rape?” was answered very effectively in a number of after school specials and very special episodes of TV shows back in the ‘80s and ‘90s. But it’s a question that seems to keep befuddling some people.

The most recently confused person to kick some rape knowledge our way is Richard Dawkins with this tweet: “Date rape is bad. Stranger rape at knifepoint is worse. If you think that’s an endorsement of date rape, go away and learn how to think.”

The statistics about rape are disheartening, to say the least. In January, in response to an alarming rise in reported rapes on college campuses and an alarming trend in colleges shaming women to protect their reputations, a government task force formed. It found that one in five female college students in the United States has been assaulted on campus. One in five is a huge number, and it doesn’t include unreported assaults or men who have been sexually assaulted by women or other men. And, we’re only talking about what happens on college campuses.

Okay, let’s pause. For those of you out there wondering who the hell Richard Dawkins is, here’s a brief introduction excerpted from his TED Talk bio: “As an evolutionary biologist, Richard Dawkins has broadened our understanding of the genetic origin of our species; as a popular author, he has helped lay readers understand complex scientific concepts.” He’s also well-known for conceptualizing the idea of the meme.

As we’re learning from his recent tweets, he’s not all that bright, scientific credentials aside. Before the date rape tweet, he offered this gem: “Mild pedophilia is bad. Violent pedophilia is worse. If you think that’s an endorsement of mild pedophilia, go away and learn how to think.”

Mild? What the hell kind of pedophilia is mild? And why in the world is he bringing us back to the 2012 discussion sparked by Todd Akin’s use of the phrase “legitimate rape?” How many times do we have to explain that all rape is legitimate? And why is it necessary to rank rape in terms of what “kind” is the worst?

I think what he might be getting at is that, in his opinion (which he seems to confuse for fact), being attacked and raped by a stranger would be scarier than being raped by someone you know. Maybe that’s true for him. I hope he never has the occasion to compare those two experiences to test his theory.

I’m truly trying to figure out how people don’t understand the difference between rape and sex. And it’s not just politicians and washed-up scientists who are confused (or who are masking their lack of concern with confusion), it’s leaders at our nation’s colleges, it’s women against feminism: it’s a lot of fucking people.

We have to change the cultural conversation about rape. Stop asking, “what is date rape?” In fact, stop using the word “date” in relation to the word rape. Rape is rape, whether it happens on a date, at a party, or any place else—and regardless of the sex of the attacker or the victim. Let’s just agree not to use any kind of qualifier before the word rape. Violent rape. All rape is violent. Legitimate rape. All rape is legitimate. I could go on, but I think you get where I am going with this.

So why do we care what Dawkins thinks? Because he’s not alone, and every time another person with an iota of power or influence starts this conversation, we have to respond, because for every step forward, there’s a Dawkins that seems to be saying, “Hey, let’s not take this too seriously, it’s not real rape.”

And this week, we are seeing a big step forward. On Wednesday, a bipartisan group of senators introduced first-of-its-kind legislation that, according to the New York Times, “would require schools to make public the result of anonymous surveys concerning assault on campuses, and impose significant financial burdens on universities that fail to comply with some of the law’s requirements.”

While, according to Dawkins’ logic, there should be distinctions made between “different kinds of rape,” it appears that this ground-breaking legislation is treating all rape as the singular criminal act that it is.

This is a good start, but we need to keep the conversation going because, unfortunately, rapes and rape culture don’t end after graduation.

That Happened is Libby Lowe’s weekly column for EcoSalon analyzing media, news and pop culture through a feminist lens. Keep in touch with Libby @LibbyLowe.

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ColumnABC Family’s “The Fosters” tackles late-term abortion—and gets it right.

A recent episode of “The Fosters” featuring a character getting a late-term abortion has me rethinking my regular viewing habits—unless “Stick It”,  the classic Missy Peregrym/Jeff Bridges movie about a non-conformist gymnast is on, you’ll rarely find me watching ABC Family.

In case you’re not up to date with ABC Family’s show, “The Fosters“, here’s a little background. First: J-Lo is the producer. Second: The central characters are an interracial lesbian couple (Lena and Stef), Stef’s biological son from a previous marriage and several foster children.

In this episode, Lena is 20 weeks pregnant and dreaming about her new baby. She gets sick and ends up in the hospital where she learns she is suffering from pre-eclampsia and could die if she continues the pregnancy. Because Lena has been pregnant only 20 weeks, an early delivery isn’t possible.

Despite what anti-choice groups want you to believe, this is a very realistic picture of why a woman would need a late-term abortion. Notably, only about 1 percent of women who have abortions have one after 20 weeks.

Lena wasn’t in bed thinking, “You know, I thought I wanted a baby, but I have changed my mind. I wish I had thought this through.” And because this is “The Fosters” and not “Grey’s Anatomy”, the drama wasn’t that the baby was going to be born without a brain or that Lena would die in 30 seconds without an abortion—the drama was that this is a very real, very sad, situation that a family had to face.

As Erin Gloria Ryan points out, on “The Fosters”, nobody actually uses the word “abortion;” they stick to “lost the baby.” She makes a great point in writing that most families who terminate a wanted pregnancy do so in order to save the life of the mother probably don’t use the word, either.

And it’s true. How we talk about pregnancy is directly related to how we feel about being pregnant. If a friend of mine is pregnant and excited about it, I am not going to ask, “What are you going to name the fetus once it’s a baby?” While scientifically that makes sense to me if I stop to think about it, that’s not how humans think and that would never come out of my mouth. And if someone I love has to have an unwanted abortion, my instinct would be to say, “I’m so sorry you lost the baby,” not “I’m so sorry about your abortion.”

The words “abortion” and “choice” are so totally tied together in our society that it would be cruel to refer to ending a wanted pregnancy as an abortion, even if the medical procedure is the same. While Lena on “The Fosters”, and women every day, are forced to take this option, I can’t believe it really feels like much of a choice.

I can hear the profanity-laced, poorly-spelled tweets coming at me now: “If you think abortion is cruel, why are you for it?” I don’t think abortion is cruel. I think anti-choice groups have won the linguistic battle and put a hateful spin on a word that describes a medical procedure. So, we as a culture, have adapted our language.

I am pro-choice because pregnancy is personal. The language we use to talk about pregnancy and abortion—sometimes different with friends than when speaking about our legal rights—reflects that and our laws should, too.

It would be easy to applaud “The Fosters”, but then pause to criticize the writers’ choice to leave out the word abortion, and point out that despite the lesbians and stuff, this is still ABC Family. But I think it was a deliberate, and wise, choice to make a point about why late-term abortions need to be legal and accessible.

Women who need late-term abortions don’t need a legal battle on top of the emotional one, they don’t need laws that would force them to endure a waiting period, or to cross state or county lines for access to a life-saving procedure. They need to be relieved of worrying about legality so they are free to handle emotions that no sweeping legislation can possibly understand.

That Happened is Libby Lowe’s weekly column for EcoSalon analyzing media, news and pop culture through a feminist lens. Keep in touch with Libby @LibbyLowe.

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ColumnWomen Against Feminism is proof that feminism has a branding problem.

Back in the ‘60s, it was often assumed that if you identified as a feminist, you hated men, loved armpit hair and liked to sleep with the ladies. Fast forward to 2014 and the stereotypes are largely the same.

Briefly, Riot Grrrls made feminism cool in the ‘90s, and there’s now a new wave of toys for girls that are clearly inspired by the radical idea that girls aren’t born hating math and science. But, for the most part, those things haven’t done anything to change the warped vision of a feminist in the minds of the average American.

I’ve said it before and I am sure I will say it again: Damn you, average American!

What bothers me most about Women Against Feminism is that the women with their handwritten signs declaring their ignorance are mostly young.

If the next generation is willing to accept this as women having achieved equality in our society, we’re all in trouble. You can’t see me, but I am looking around in disgust and thinking about Hobby Lobby, the pay gap,  rape on college campuses and the danger inherent in simply being a girl or woman in this world.

One of the most disturbing trends in the misguided declarations of self-hatred on the site is the idea that being a feminist has something to do with being a victim. That’s a dangerous message of false empowerment. It’s not empowering to accept the status quo. It’s not self-victimization to look at injustice and demand better.

Feminists demand equal pay, we demand control over our bodies and we demand that laws protect those rights. We live in a society built on the idea that everyone is equal—and thankfully the definition of “everyone” has evolved over the years in most people’s minds. As such, when we see inequality, it’s our job to say something. The Women Against Feminism participants are willfully ignorant if they think we live in a just society.

The debate over the word feminist comes up over and over. Should we use humanist? Womanist? What word can we use to help people embrace the concepts behind feminism if they don’t resonate with the word?

Yes, the word feminist is culturally coded, but I would argue that today, those who steer the conversation toward the word do so to shift the focus from the reasons we need a word to describe the rights women in the country do not have. Oh look, now we’re arguing about semantics.

I think we stick with “feminist,” and its long, powerful history from the suffrage movement to Gloria Steinem to the Notorious RBG. It’s a word that, at times, has caused divisions of race and class—and that’s not good. I’m not suggesting we ignore that part of feminist history, I am suggesting that we look forward and do the hard work of uniting those of us with feminist beliefs. I am pushing for a makeover.

Can we take the word feminism—with all of its power to spark feelings, and with all its focus on constitutional rights—to help people feel connected to it? And by “people” I mean men, women of color, LGBTQ people, poor women, politicians, and basically everyone who knows that inequality is alive and picking up steam every time some stupid site like Women Against Feminism pops up.

Rebranding is tough, but totally possible. As an example, let’s think about yoga. Back in, oh say, the ‘90s, did you know people who did yoga? Did you think they were patchouli-wearing hippies? How about today? Take a look around any urban area and you’ll see yoga studios, yoga pants as work pants and those ubiquitous Lululemon bags. Yoga, for good or bad depending on whom you talk to, got a makeover. And good or bad, it’s still yoga.

In some ways, Sheryl Sandberg has given feminism a corporate makeover. But, while “Lean In” brought the conversation to the mainstream in a big way, it also served to divide us and reinforced the idea that feminism is for rich white ladies.

But don’t let images from the past or a distaste for one person’s experience with feminist thinking turn you off the idea that women’s rights are important and worth fighting for.

If the things that feminists believe in resonate with you, try to let the issues with the  word g0. Find the arm (hairy armpit or shaved) of the feminist branch that appeals to you, because proudly identifying as a feminist matters. There is power in a collective identity and change comes when a critical mass of people demand equality.

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 Zoe Comings’ ceramic jewelry line is inspired by the artist’s reflection on place and nature.

What you might notice first about Austin, Texas-based designer Zoe Comings’ jewelry is that it’s made of ceramic, an atypical medium for jewelry. We’re used to seeing ceramic tiles and housewares, but it’s rare to see it used to create wearable art.

“I started studying jewelry-making years ago, and I was studying clay as well. I used to work in each medium separately. I did tile work and housewares and had really separated these things in my mind creatively. At some point, I knew something was missing for me and I started to experiment. When I began making jewelry with ceramics, it was that eureka moment. A light switch went on and I knew this was absolutely it for me,” says Comings. She starts with simple shapes, often circles, teardrops and leaves. “I like shapes that have an organic, timeless feel,” she says. But those simple shapes are rooted in her past.

Comings is heavily influenced by a sense of place. Her designs reflect the Northern California landscape where she spent her childhood, New Mexico where she studied art, and North Carolina and Portland, Oregon, where she used to live. “A little inspiration seeps in from all of the places I have lived and traveled. I have always been inspired by river rocks, river beds and sedimentary layers. I have hiked a lot and seen a lot of the country’s natural beauty.”

If you look at her work today, you can also see Austin’s influence. “There’s more subtly to the nature in Austin. We don’t have the sharp, jagged mountains like Northern California or the Rockies or the red clay of New Mexico. I love the patterns and the weathered look of Austin’s limestone. I’m inspired by the leaf patterns and the trees in Austin. There’s something lush, rich and very beautiful about the foliage here.”

As Comings’ line has evolved, so has her color palette. “I started with white and light grey, and last year I added gold to get a more luxurious feel. It works really well and people are very responsive to the gold pieces. Right now I am working on the spring collection and using soft, subtle colors like mint green and nude in combination with rose gold.”

No matter what she is working on, however, Comings’ ultimate goal is to create beautiful, versatile designs that bring out an individual’s look and make women feel beautiful.

Being so connected to the natural world, it’s no surprise that Comings strives to source all of her raw materials locally and uses eco-friendly materials to pack and ship her products. The biggest way she is controlling her footprint is by using recycled packaging. “For wholesale orders, I have to ship everything in these little plastic bags. I used to work in retail and I know how much waste there is, so I only use recycled paper goods and I buy biodegradable bags. They are a little more expensive, but I don’t think twice about things like that.”

Each piece is handmade in her Austin studio, which is lovingly guarded by her two dogs, Baron and Mattie. Check out Zoe Comings’ ceramic jewelry collection here—or at a number of shops across the country.

Image: Nicole Mlaker Photography

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ColumnWhat’s the best way to fight back against body-shaming bullies? Put your ass into it!

The fastest way to make a girl feel bad is to make fun of her body.

Forty-seven percent of girls in 5th-12th grade say they want to lose weight because of magazine pictures, according to The National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Related Disorders.

You can veto women’s magazines from your home, but short of forcing your daughter to live under a rock, it’s impossible to keep girls from absorbing societal messages about what they are “supposed to look like.” And, with added pressure from classmates, it’s easy to understand why so many people (20 million women and 10 million men) have eating disorders.

Carleigh O’Connell, an awesome 14-year-old from New Jersey, found that some of her classmates spray-painted a rock with: “Carleigh’s ass.”

The message Carleigh was supposed to receive, internalize and—possibly—struggle with for decades to come is that her butt is too big. Instead, she posed with the graffiti wearing a bikini, showing off her tush and smiling.

Then, she posted the photo of herself on Instagram and asked her mom to put it on Facebook. Her mom posted it with this note (you can read her whole post here): “My daughter heard that her “rear end” “figure” “body shape” ….you can see the description for yourself in the photo ….was made fun of on a big rock at the beach. Well….it was true. She found it and knew it was hers since her name has a very distinct spelling. Many kids at school told her about it. We talked about it. And while she was upset, she told me she was going to make something good out of it.”

Cheers to Carleigh and her mom for taking control of the situation and turning it into something positive. With mean girls firmly entrenched in most schools, #thinspiration everywhere and oh-so coveted thigh gaps being photoshopped in so often that it’s easy to forget that not everyone has one, it’s hard out there for a girl.

Carleigh’s reaction and willingness to share her photo shows that one person can shift the conversation.

“I wanted to show whoever decided to write that that I was stronger than that,” she told TODAY.com. “It didn’t impact me at all. I didn’t put my head down, I didn’t cry about it. I didn’t give the kids the power they wanted.”

“It felt very empowering,” she added.

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A slew of new viral ads celebrate girls and get creative about sending important messages.

Call it the tampon that launched a thousand ads, but it seems like since HelloFlo’s period party took over the internet in June, more and more ads that are genuinely worth watching have gone viral.

#LikeAGirl

We’ve all heard the taunt, “You throw like a girl,” and we all understand it to mean we’re bad at throwing things. Always (are periods having a moment?) recently released this ad along with the #LikeAGirl campaign to much applause.

The most effective part about this ad is seeing older girls and boys acting out commands to run and throw “like a girl” in stark contrast to the young girls acting out the same movements. These are girls that society has yet to suck the life out of. It’s refreshing to see them and easy to forget that we were all that self-confident back in the day.

Yes, it’s an ad for environmentally crappy feminine hygiene products—and let’s not forget the message inherent to many period-related items: We smell bad and need to cover up that lady stench with scented pink products.

But with the world seemingly out to destroy women at every turn this week, I’ll put this one in the win column.

Toy Story: The Vibrator Ad

Personally, I love this PSA about gun control. Check it out:

Great, right? Yes, but as Keli Goff writes in The Daily Beast, of course I love it. She makes a great point that this appeals to those of us who probably already support gun control—as it turns out, most right wing conservatives don’t think vibrators are funny. Who knew?

Regardless, I still like this one and I do think it makes an important point in a unique an interesting way.

Inspire Her Mind: Girls in STEM

The winning girl-power ad of the year so far? “Inspire Her Mind” from Sheryl Sandberg and the Makers team along with Verizon.

Say what you will about the polarizing work of Makers—and I have said some stuff myself— but this ad brilliantly combines statistics, powerful imagery, messages to parents and hits all of the right notes.

That Happened is Libby Lowe’s weekly column for EcoSalon analyzing media, news and pop culture through a feminist lens. Keep in touch with Libby @LibbyLowe.

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ColumnThe Supreme Court decides that Hobby Lobby is a person with values that matter. Women? Meh.

This week, the Supreme Court took a big step toward preventing women from easily accessing and paying for birth control.

In case you missed it, here’s what happened: Hobby Lobby and its cronies argued that having to cover the cost of specific forms of contraception, like the morning after pill, as part of its employee health insurance was the same as paying for abortion, which goes against the owners’ Christian beliefs.

On Monday, the Supreme Court ruled in Burwell V. Hobby Lobby. According to The New York Times, 5 of the 9 Justices decided “Requiring family-owned corporations to pay for insurance coverage for contraception under the Affordable Care Act violated a federal law protecting religious freedom.”

This decision, while a direct attack on abortion and access, is more than a right wing assault on Obamacare. It’s another move toward prioritizing corporations over humans—specifically lady humans.

What the ruling means is that corporations are being granted the same rights as people, which makes no sense at all. But, the precedent was set back in 2010 with the Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission case which promised free speech rights to  corporations—a case that was actually about campaign contribution limits, not free speech, but I digress.

To date, in addition to Hobby Lobby, there are 71 companies with owners that have said they don’t want to pay for birth control either. And not that it’s anyone’s business—especially an employer’s—why a woman might choose to take the pill, but for many, the decision has nothing to do with pregnancy prevention. About 1.5 million women use birth control to help with medical issues such as ovarian cancer, ovarian cysts, endometriosis and endometrial cancer, according to a 2011 study.

But, with the Hobby Lobby case, contraception coverage is just the tip of a giant discrimination iceberg.

Why the Hobby Lobby Case Is a HUGE Deal

This ruling is an extreme attack on women’s health coverage here in the U.S., and it will impact women in developing nations as well. And while the Hobby Lobby case is about access to healthcare and contraception, like the Citizens United Case before it, the language in the ruling represents a massive shift in how we value corporate responsibility versus individual freedom.

This week’s ruling has sweeping consequences, according to Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg (who wrote a dissent chock full of staggeringly awesome quotes that earned her the social media title The Notorious RBG almost instantly). One consequence is that any company can declare a religion for itself and have at it.

How might that go? Justice Ginsburg has an idea. She wrote, “”Would the exemption…extend to employers with religiously grounded objections to blood transfusions (Jehovah’s Witnesses); antidepressants (Scientologists); medications derived from pigs, including anesthesia, intravenous fluids, and pills coated with gelatin (certain Muslims, Jews, and Hindus); and vaccinations[?]…Not much help there for the lower courts bound by today’s decision.”

Okay, so don’t work for a company with a religious affiliation, and you won’t have these problems, right? In her dissent, Justice Ginsburg warned that the ruling would have wide repercussions and “untoward effects.” She wrote, “Although the court attempts to cabin its language to closely held corporations, its logic extends to corporations of any size, public or private.”

Can. Of. Worms. Or, as Ginsburg put it: “The court, I fear, has ventured into a minefield.”

Oh, By the Way, Hobby Lobby Invests In the Abortion Pill

In case it’s not clear that, in reality, this is a financial issue and a power grab couched in morality, it turns out that Hobby Lobby (which does still cover Viagra and vasectomies) invests in the abortion pill, according to Mother Jones.

Oh, fancy that! Hypocrisy. Sweet, sweet hypocrisy.

Here’s what Mother Jones uncovered: “Documents filed with the Department of Labor and dated December 2012—three months after the company’s owners filed their lawsuit—show that the Hobby Lobby 401(k) employee retirement plan held more than $73 million in mutual funds with investments in companies that produce emergency contraceptive pills, intrauterine devices, and drugs commonly used in abortions. Hobby Lobby makes large matching contributions to this company-sponsored 401(k).”

So Now What?

I would love to wrap this up with something positive, but this ruling is a shitshow. The best thing we can do is to keep supporting candidates that value women and basic human freedom. We also need to continue supporting Planned Parenthood (because as our insurance stops covering reproductive care we need a place to go) and supporting Mother Jones, a publication that consistently offers up spectacular reporting.

Most importantly, four months from now, we have to vote in the midterm elections. The candidates we elect have approval over Supreme Court Justice appointments, people that arguably have more power than the President and much longer shelf lives. Each Representative and each Senator has a vote that can help us or hurt us, so pay attention to local elections.

Donating is a great start (and donor numbers do send messages), but dollars don’t count as people—yet. So get offline and vote, unless you want the company you work for to do it for you.

That Happened is Libby Lowe’s weekly column for EcoSalon analyzing media, news and pop culture through a feminist lens. Keep in touch with Libby @LibbyLowe.

Image: Nicholas Eckhart

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ColumnRobin Thicke’s new video is the stalker jam we’ve all been waiting for.

Everyone’s favorite creepy uncle Robin Thicke, who brought us “Blurred Lines,” the rape hit of summer 2013, is back with a new video.

It’s disturbing in a whole new way.

In February, Robin Thicke and his wife Paula Patton separated. While it’s hard to pinpoint why, and I’m no marriage counselor, this photo of his hand nestled between a young woman’s ass cheeks might be a clue.

Thicke just released his the first video, “Get Her Back,” from the forthcoming album, “Paula.” The good news is that the song is super boring and very unlikely to take over the world like “Blurred Lines” did.

The bad news is that this video sends a scary message about relationships. Let’s be clear that this weepy, formulaic, god-awful song wouldn’t be on anyone’s radar if not for the super scary video. In my dreams, this is a PR move and Thicke isn’t actually stalking or threatening Paula Patton.

Dreams of a better world for pop musicians and their exes aside, let’s talk first about how you can read the title in two ways. There’s the lost love angle, but there’s also a little vengeance here, right?!

I might not have noticed that double entendre if not for the video. Here’s a breakdown of Robin Thicke’s on-screen breakdown (I watched it all so you don’t have to): There’s moody lighting, streaming tears and text messages popping up that we’re supposed to assume are notes he and Paula sent each other. The texts appear over violent imagery, including a possible drowning and Thicke pretending to shoot himself in the head, making this the scariest episode of Pop Up Video ever.

The video ends with the chilling words: “This is just the beginning.”

First of all, if my estranged husband ever sent me a text using “u” in place of “you” I would call my lawyer immediately and finalize that shit. But, more importantly, I would also ask for a restraining order.

And let’s flip this for a second. What if this was a woman singing? Would anyone think it was romantic or would we call her a psycho stalker? I think we know. Are we so hungry to see an emotional man that we’re willing to accept stalking in its place?

The fact that anyone would ever call this video romantic and that there’s a #TakeHimBack trend on Twitter is deeply disturbing. There’s nothing romantic about making someone feel unsafe. There’s nothing romantic about stalking or public harassment.

These lines aren’t blurry at all.

That Happened is Libby Lowe’s weekly column for EcoSalon analyzing media, news and pop culture through a feminist lens. Keep in touch with Libby @LibbyLowe.

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HelloFlo unleashes the best tampon commercial in the world.

Everything is right about this commercial from HelloFlo, the monthly subscription service for girls.

There’s the girl desperate to grow up and fit in with her friends, the mom’s inspired First Moon party as punishment for daughter faking her period, the guy who shows up with coffee filters—it’s all just amazing.

If there were Emmy Awards for best actor in a commercial, I would nominate both mom and daughter.

However, as some of us inch away from the “new to the whole period thing” phase of life and closer to menopause, I suggest that HelloFlo introduce a new care package to its family: Farewell Flo!

Users can sign up to receive shipments of tampons, lube, chocolate, pads specifically designed for those hearty coughs and laughs that lead to pee leaks, herbal supplements and soothing teas. The starter kit also will also include a portable fan and a calendar that you can throw away immediately upon receipt.

Shipments will arrive sporadically at the most inopportune moments (just like your period will).

I first fell in love with HelloFlo last summer when the company released its ad, “The Camp Gyno.” In it, the first girl to get her period rules her summer camp and awesomely refers to her period as, “The Red Badge of Courage,” and to HelloFlo’s care packages as, “Santa for your vagina.”

What’s amazing about both of these ads is that they turn periods from something gross or scary into a brag-worthy rite of passage. The girls are owning their bodies from a young age, which is incredibly powerful.

More than that, we see girls talking to one another about their bodies using real words for their body parts—but still sounding and looking like real adolescents, eye rolls and all.

Note to the genius team handling marketing for HelloFlo, I’m serious. Tweet me: @LibbyLowe

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Column“Obvious Child” is the best abortion rom-com since… Uh, hey, it’s an abortion rom-com! PS: This column is chock-full of spoilers.

Calendar item: “Wednesday 7:30 – Abortion movie with Emily.” As you can see, I have been eagerly anticipating going to see “Obvious Child” since I first heard rumblings about the existence of a movie featuring an abortion that didn’t come with a side of payback in the form of shame, death, regret or some other life-ruining consequence for the woman.

In brief, here’s the plot: 27-year-old Donna (Jenny Slate) gets cheated on, dumped, drunk and has a really fun looking sex-capade/dance party/bongo drum playing session that results in an unwanted pregnancy.

The problem with knowing you’re going to see an abortion movie is that you spend the whole time waiting for the abortion—kind of like when “127 Hours” came out and we all waited for that one scene.

It was an odd distraction to be eagerly awaiting the abortion moments: When will she find out? What will happen when she goes to Planned Parenthood? When will she tell people? Will she tell the guy? When will she go in for the abortion?

Waiting for those pivotal moments, it would have been easy to miss all that happened in between, and that would have been a shame because “Obvious Child” is much more than a movie about abortion. It is a movie about friendship and storytelling.

One of my favorite moments is when Donna’s best friend, Nellie (played by Gabby Hoffman), arrives at her apartment to find her a wasted crying mess and Donna makes a lesbian birthright joke and then tells her she doesn’t have to sleep in the room because she’s about to fart it up. These are your real friends, people.

Donna’s role as a stand-up comic is central to the plot and to understanding her as a character. Drawing her material from real life and holding nothing back (from what underpants really look like at the end of a long day to countless fart jokes), she leaves nothing on the table. This approach brings up a question I am constantly fascinated by: What stories are ours to tell? As a writer, I say all of them. Everything is material. As a comic, Donna feels the same way. But, this approach has its consequences.

Early in the movie, her boyfriend complains about her talking about their relationship on stage—before dumping her in the bathroom while checking his phone in one of the most honest 20-something breakup scenes ever. Honest because he leads into the conversation totally dishonestly, blaming her stand-up for the breakup when really it’s that he’s sleeping with a friend of hers, news he reveals after making her feel like it’s her fault.

What’s great about this scene, and Donna in particular, is that she says what we all want to say in the moment, not when she thinks of the perfect reply five minutes or five days later. We know that in some ways this is because she is in a movie, but we believe that the character is that quick and smart—and the kind of exhibitionist who will say anything about herself and anyone else to get a laugh. But that tendency to just put thing out there and say what most people won’t is also how she processes her world.

Her real friends understand that and like her for it, and we do too. Throughout the movie, we’re unsure about where the new guy, Max, will fall on the spectrum. He seems to appreciate her brand of wacky, but when we’re introduced to him, he comes off as a bit of a square.

When she finally tells him about the pregnancy and her appointment for the abortion (from the stage in a bar before he’s even taken his hat off and gotten comfortable), he has a fairly understandable reaction given that he has just received intensely personal news in a public setting. He leaves. But, unlike the shitty ex, he realizes that her stand-up is how she is processing what is happening. He’s on the team and good things happen next.

What “Obvious Child” also accomplishes is a commentary on how we think other people think about abortion if “we” are liberal, privileged urbanites. Donna isn’t sure how to talk to the woman at the clinic and then realizes it’s best to just say what you want.

She worries what her highly-accomplished mom will think. Mostly because when you tell your mom something, it becomes real in a different way. That conversation turns out to be a good way for the filmmaker Gillian Robespierre to remind us what happens when abortion is illegal without hitting us over the head. (We were promised a rom-com, not a documentary, after all!)

There’s also the moment when Donna asks Max if he is okay with her having an abortion—but not in a way that implies his opinion will change her mind—it’s more of a get-to-know-ya conversation a bit late in the game.

In some ways, for the pro-choice set, “Obvious Child” is like “The West Wing” for liberal politicos. It’s a reflection of the way we wish it was for everyone. If we don’t place too much pressure on “Obvious Child” to be more than one woman’s story about her abortion, we can appreciate that when women have access and support, abortion is part of life.

We’re left with an ideal rom-com ending. It’s sweet, it’s open-ended and it’s full of possibility.

That Happened is Libby Lowe’s weekly column for EcoSalon analyzing media, news and pop culture through a feminist lens. Keep in touch with Libby @LibbyLowe.

Images: Obvious Child

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