ColumnHe’s smart and strong, beautiful and brave, kind-hearted and…carnivorous.

At the dawn of a relationship, any faux pas is sufficient grounds for termination – far better to wield a blunt axe than be blinded by short-lived charms. Certain obvious criteria warrant immediate demotion from maybe-boyfriend to totally-not-lustable such as: ignorant homophobic, racist, or sexist slip-ups; failure to exhibit kindness and humanity to baristas, waiters, and people otherwise employed in the service industry; too-liberal use of ‘emoticons’ in emails, gratuitous text messages, or other similar demands on your time and patience all come to mind. Not to be too specific.

But what if the fellow is smart and strong, beautiful and brave, and an all-around incredible, kind-hearted individual? It’s this juncture of clear, mutual attraction where questions of ethics and their long-term implications make dating a stickier, less cut-and-dried issue altogether. Namely, can a principled vegan woman find it within herself to fall for a meat-eating man? Marinate on that a minute.

Let’s say you unequivocally believe that meat is murder. Now, imagine somehow reconciling that firm, clear conviction with a well-mannered, scintillating conversationalist with whom you’re on a date with at a new French restaurant who, along with a tastefully-selected bottle of Bordeaux, just ordered the foie gras starter and veal main.

As a no-turning-back vegetarian since my teenage years, I’ve never taken a long-term lover whose moral and philosophical compass regarding animal rights and welfare didn’t approximate my own. Were any of these shy and smiling boys so inclined from the outset of our relationship? No, absolutely not. But they were uniformly intelligent, curious creatures with the good sense to reexamine their ethical presuppositions and accordingly recalibrate their practical, day-to-day affairs to reflect an evolving value system.

My mission to change the hearts and minds of carnivores one-guy-at-a-time? Accomplished. Well, perhaps not quite. After breaking up, all but one, lone ex-boyfriend shortly, summarily abandoned his conscientious ways in favor of fried chicken. Gross. Hey, what better way to work out some breakup angst than to stick a fork in it? Revenge, for some, may be a dish best served medium-rare.

Older-and-wiser is perhaps the surest and truest of clichés. Age endows us (or should endow us) with the willingness to hold a magnifying glass to our  own shortcomings, frankly examining how we all can be selfish and small, prideful and petty.

This is easier said than done. In the lofty words of essayist Brillat Savarin: “There can be no warm, rich home-life anywhere else if it does not exist at the table; and in the same way there can be no enduring family happiness, no real marriage, if  a man and woman cannot open themselves generously and without suspicion one to the other over a shared bowl of soup as well as a shared caress.”

Food, from an arugula plant photosynthesizing the sun’s energy, to the farm worker who harvests the leaves, to the intimacy of a couple collaborating in the kitchen to prepare a lavish green salad, is greater than a preference for taste. Its preparation and consumption is a radical, sensual act encompassing everything from environmental sustainability to immigrant labor rights. This is to say nothing of animal welfare.

As much as a man’s virtues and joie de vivre might make my heart sing, I simply cannot conceive of spending my life – much less creating a family – with someone who chooses to overlook the implications of his morning bacon and eggs.

Love isn’t the exclusive domain of romantic partnership. Love is a choice about how you will show up in the world. Love drives my opposition to the death-penalty in America; it governs my decision to ride a bicycle rather than drive a car; and it motivates me to extend equal consideration of interest to animals. I am an animal. I am also an animal who doesn’t eat other animals.

Female animal seeks male animal who doesn’t eat animals. (Must also possess athletic build, international sensibility, and fulfilling career that makes him happy.)

Worst personal ad of all time? Maybe. Or it’s honest and realistic: the foundation of a sustainable relationship based on a commitment to common values.

A man and woman who can companionably, conscientiously dine together – not to mention cook, host festive dinner parties for friends, and indulge in regular postprandial love-making – stay together. As Brillat Savarin said, “Happiness at the table leads to happiness in bed.” And, with that, Guten appetit.

Sex By Numbers is an ongoing look into the emotional and sexual lives of the modern day woman. Follow Abigail Wick weekly here for insight and inspiration as she explores the “sex” of women and the terrain they must travel.

Image: Bolshakov

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Why men’s bodies are just as beautiful as women’s.

When women’s bodies are being used to sell yet another product, one of the most common defenses from both sexes is that women’s bodies are just prettier than men’s. It’s not sexism when a woman’s curves are used to entice us to buy toothpaste and batteries; it’s just that women are so much more lovely, you see. Implied is the idea that if men’s bodies were somehow less visually unfortunate, their bodies would be used, too. I call bullocks.

Men’s bodies are just as attractive as women’s. Certainly, the Greeks thought so. (Or, they are both unattractive compared to a truly graceful animal like a cheetah. My personal taste leans toward the latter – human beings’ patchy hair, awkward upright walk, and usually unfit bodies aren’t so beautiful compared to many other animals.) However you see the relative attractiveness of human bodies, it is a cultural idea, not an inherent truth, that women are more beautiful than men.

In feminist studies, the idea that a whole society learns to see through heterosexual, male eyes is termed the “male gaze.” How many thousands of movies have you watched in your life, how many photographs created from the male perspective? A movie with negligible female casting or character development is for everyone, and women and girls are expected to enjoy and empathize with male characters all the time  – reverse that and it’s called a chick flick. There are men who have no problem putting themselves in a woman’s perspective while reading a book or watching a film. These men prove that being only interested, willing or able to see from the male perspective is learned, so they are a good example (not to mention better dates).

That generations of women have grown up seeing the world through the lens of a straight male gaze would yield the unsurprising result of women considering women’s bodies to be more beautiful than men’s. But I challenge you to imagine a world where men’s bodies are used as commonly as women’s to indicate beauty, a future where perfectly sculpted men’s thighs and calves rather than women’s are used to hawk plasmas and sneakers.

As a straight woman, I have precious few opportunities outside company with my significant other to enjoy the male body as casually and as constantly as my heterosexual guy friends do. Yes, of course I can search out male art photography, but most of that is also from the vantage point of men (gay men produce some gorgeous male nude art, but it’s not from a woman’s perspective). And the few places where men’s bodies are celebrated and exemplified seem to focus on what men think women want to see, not what women actually like looking at. It helps when the photographer is a woman, like Lynda Churilla, whose work, shown above, is viewable at Robin Rice Gallery.

Gradually, we are seeing more attractive men’s bodies in media; perhaps this is a trend in the making? Until then, I always have the archives of hot soccer players from the World Cup (Jezebel’s “thighlights” being a particular fave of mine).

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Have you ever wanted to be a “babe in a bottle?” No? Me neither. The fragrance industry would love us to join in on the big scented party. Modern fragrances can be famously toxic and bad for our bodies, and yet people have been dosing themselves since the ancient woman figured out how to distill essence of lavender. Why? Because fragrance equals sex to our bodies. And the reason may go back to pheromones.

It’s science, fellow sniffers! You know that feeling when a member of your preferred gender nears who makes your stomach turn over and your knees buckle a bit? (Does Ryan Gosling help ring a bell?)  It’s all about chemistry and the scientific explanation behind it. Pheromones, strictly defined, are a chemical secretion that triggers a social response in a member of the same species. I know, when you put it that way, romance sounds about as appealing as ride in a Hummer with Karl Rove.

Further, there are all different kinds of pheromones, as some help us find food or deal with danger. It is the sex pheromones that are designed to let the world know when females and males want to get breeding. And pretty much every being on earth uses them, from microscopic organisms to insects to sea life to us.

And according to experts, pheromones are what really get things cooking on our ends. James V. Kohl is the author of The Mind’s Eyes: Human Pheromones, Neuroscience, and Male Sexual Preferences. As he told SeXis Magazine via Alternet, pheromones are enough to spark an interest in another person. According to Kohl, “Most actions are based on unconscious effects, animal behavior, where something causes a hormone to change without thought, when we start to think about it we have the option of behaving like an animal or thinking it through.” So as Kohl points out, they get us moving but don’t seal the deal. So we’re not all slaves to our chemical signals.

But that doesn’t mean pheromones aren’t powerful. Via Blisstree, the brain contains a special place to conduct pheromones called Nerve Zero. Since pheromones are not believed to smell in a traditional sense, it is Nerve Zero that is thought to process these chemicals and get things moving in our libido. Therefore, pheromones may help us choose mates and can affect fertility, puberty and more.

Some experts believe males release them through sweat glands or females during ovulation. But can you bottle them? There is a huge industry of pheromone sprays and perfume that claims you can, though experts remain divided on if they actually work. Botanical experts point to some natural substances that can help sex drive. Cinnamon might increase blood flood throughout the body (always a good thing) while pumpkin seeds, high in zinc, may increase sex drive.

But, in the end, do pheromones make us more attractive to our preferred gender? It’s very likely they do – just be sure, next time, to check in with your subconscious sex.

Image: pedrosimoes7

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Breasts are big in America. And I’m not just talking physically, though in my town of Hollywood, you’re more likely to see more silicone than they used to make the space shuttle – on one woman, no less. Breasts have achieved a place in our mental oeuvre than seem to take up more energy than one would think body parts deserve.

For women, our relationships with our boobs/breasts/milk sacks can be complicated. If we have largest chesticles, some of us wish for the freedom to run without corsetry. If we have smaller breasts, some of us buy push-up bras and consider plastic surgery. For many women, coming to terms with their chest sizes is a life-long process. And for the women who don’t give a damn or feel they have other things to worry about, rock on.

But from the women who cringe when they get ogled in a bar to the women who wish their bikinis had more bounce – we hear you, sisters. As a new study points out, your anxiety may come from nature, not necessarily neurosis. In other words, you’re not imagining anything. The Telegraph reports that a study from the University of Texas, Austin, confirms that men look at women’s bodies for the short-term, as in for dates and one night stands. And for long-term relationships? Men consider faces over bodies.

Yes, I’m sure we just all heard a collective gasp of “duh” across the world. Heterosexual men look at women’s bodies? Cows like grass? Dogs like bones? Anderson Cooper is a stone-cold fox? But the UT researchers went a bit farther with their investigations. And yes, you’re all gorgeous and screw what your preferred gender thinks, male or female, right? Physically, it’s a bit of a different story.

The UT study looked at the reactions of 375 men and women who were asked to decide if they would date a member of the opposite sex based purely on their bodies or faces. Men were asked if they would consider a pretty face or a voluptuous body. Looking at pictures of bodies with faces obscured or faces with bodies obscured, men were much more likely to go for body over face.

Then there were the men who were looking to settle down for the long term. These men picked faces over bodies. As the Texas study explained, “Both the body and face can provide clues as to a woman’s reproductive value and current fertility, but this study revealed men go for bodily cues more when looking for a short-term mate.” And might we point out, one study does not define an entire gender or sexual orientation.

And finally, what about the women in the study? Did women pick men according to their broad shoulders or richly-filled in hairlines? Not at all, according to the study. Women all gave priority to a man’s face in both short-term and long-term scenarios.

Image: scragz

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