bad PR pitches – EcoSalon

Better Living Through Publicists: Valentine’s Day Is So Cliche Edition

Amy DuFault — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 20:50:31 +0000

Valentine’s Day is coming! Valentine’s Day is coming!

Time to pull out every cliche in the book! It’s the most romantic day of the year! Obviously! This is what all the PR firms are telling us and we’ve gotten so many pitches over the past two weeks, we’re making this week’s lengthy edition of Better Living Through Publicists a cherry heart bonbon the size of which you’ve never seen, nested in forty million rose petals, floating atop an Olympic-sized bubble bath of edible chocolate froth. In other words, at once absurd and predictable: Just like Valentine’s Day and the publicists’ pitches that come with it!

If Hotel Walls Could Talk

Hotels.com took a “Romance Survey” that uncovered “Both dissidence and harmony between the sexes surrounding Valentine’s Day.” What did they find? Well, of course all couples get a hotel room on Valentine’s Day (thanks hotel.com survey), but what do men and women think about Valentine’s Day hanky-panky?

They want lingerie, they want sex in the jacuzzi (note to self – avoid the jacuzzi next time you travel), they want Filet Mignon and dark chocolate and also, because they hate their partner so much for forcing them to endure this obviously horrible weekend, have opted for celebrities to do this with instead:

It’s no wonder that many couples divorce or break up on the 14th. Steak, anyone?

Doomsday is Coming!

Here’s a book to cheer you up for the impending day of doom. “As stores are flooded with hearts and sappy sentiments, many single women’s hearts are flooded with reminders of loneliness, failure and doom. But cheer up ladies! There is someone out there who is confident that you will find ‘the one’ and wants to remind you to keep the faith.”

Hey thanks, Lindsley Lowell! I bet you’re going to be the one with your truly graphically pleasing book to tell us who it is!
Do you deserve true love? Are you over 35 and therefore “discounted, last season’s fashions?” Do you have the guts to sit it out and wait for a man in metal to come and sweep you off your feet?

Lindsley advises: “Do not settle. Do not let others put you down. Do not think you are crazy. Do not throw in the towel and start crocheting outfits for your cat. There IS hope. Let me be your beacon of hope, your wing woman, your leader in the fight to find your knight in shining armor. Yes, Virginia, he does exist. He just might be stuck in traffic.”

But why does the PR pitch go on to talk about how the remaining available men look “like the used, discarded Island of the Misfit Toys?”

You’re old goods, but don’t settle, but the men left aren’t so great, but they are! And you don’t simply happen to want to be single, obviously.

I’m so confused. Should I just become lesbian? Oh, just call me on the 14th and we’ll figure it out over oysters.

When All Else Fails, Shop HBO!

Because you have nobody to love (because you watch too much TV), get one of these synthetic, toxic shirts to proclaim you love something on the 14th!

By the way, HBO, we heart organic cotton.

Nothing Says Sexy Like Tyrosine!

See this woman? She’s internationally renowned celebrity nutrition and fitness expert JJ Virgin, co-star of TLC’s hit series Freaky Eaters. That’s right, Virgin. Virgin is one of those people who believes food can fuel a love fire, so she advises you to better your V-Day by following a few items on this list:

Feed him celery – a few stalks of celery it raises a man’s androstenedione, which emits a scent women can’t resist

Get your zinc on – zinc-containing foods support healthy sperm production and are high in D-aspartic acid and N-methyl-D-aspartate, which increased testosterone levels

Tyrosine and zinc supplements – increase dopamine levels in the brain, which has been linked to boosting the sex drive

Supplements, baby, supplements – fish oil supports good blood flow, arginine helps with vasodilation, and Tongkat Ali support shealthy testosterone levels

Go nuts – L-arginine enhances production of nitrous oxide (NO) to increase blood flow to the nether regions, and nuts especially are rich in arginine

Yes, chocolate! – dark chocolate contains phenylethylamine, which releases the same endorphins triggered by sex and increases the feelings of attraction between two people

Hot coffee – coffee drinkers have higher libidos and hit the sheets more often than those who don’t indulge, according to a study conducted by Southwestern University.

Get filet-ed – Lean cuts of red meat are great sources of zinc and curb production of a hormone called prolactin, which at high levels can cause sexual dysfunction. Choose deep red cuts with round or loin in the name.

So, to sum up. Nuts, deep cuts of loin. Got it. Totally sexy.

Feeling Unloved? Retreat To Dawn Christie, Spiritual Champion of the Stars!

Did you know that the period between the December holidays and Valentine’s Day is “National Break-Up Season” when people are more than twice as likely to think about breaking up than at any other time of the year?

That’s what we were emailed from Dawn Christie Spiritual Spa and Retreat‘s PR person who vows that Christie continues to draw in celebrities, influencers and every day people looking for answers to one of life’s greatest mysteries – LOVE.

Thanks, killjoy.

This holistic healer to the stars has her own twenty-five-year-old wellness center with an emphasis on holistic health, spirituality and healing from the inside out. As Dawn can read you like an open broken heart, she’ll see fit to honor your personal transformation which will be customized and detailed in advance.

What if I see a celebrity and try to make a move on them? What if they reject me? Won’t this be something you didn’t see coming? Or can you, Dawn Christie?

Image: La Maison Duce, Irina

The post Better Living Through Publicists: Valentine’s Day Is So Cliche Edition appeared first on EcoSalon.

Better Living Through Publicists: Be a Better You Edition

Amy DuFault — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 15:00:05 +0000

ColumnA behind-the-screen look at the consistently ridiculous inbox of a writer.

At EcoSalon, we receive our fair share of email pitches, and we’ve decided to give you a weekly peek at this valuable information inside our inboxes. These products, people, and services are 100 percent real, although we’re not always sure that they should be.

Vajazzle Your Vajayjay!

When you get an email titled “The lowdown on your lady flower,” you have a few options:

1. Hope it’s from a horticulturalist talking about the status of your most recent garden center purchase.

2. Pretend your vagina was not just called a lady flower, as though you were a toddler just learning about body parts.

3. Ask yourself if the PR firm did any research about your publication that would indicate said publication’s readers need to know about lady flowers. Generally.

“From Kegels to cunnilingus, vajazzling to vibrators, and self-exams to semen allergies, V Is for Vagina stands way above the vajayjay books of yesteryear (Ed.: there were books of yesteryear?). Out next month, this candid, easy-to-read – and easy-to-understand – guide that delivers the most up-to-date comprehensive health information for women 18 to 81!”

I can vajazzle my vajayjay out of semen allergies: What a fun read? I think? Send me a copy?

“This go-to guide for all things vagina is filled with activities, quizzes, and FAQs that give you all the information you need when something doesn’t feel quite normal.”

Normal? What is a normal vagina?

Little Men Now Have Clothes!

Everyone knows a New Year, means a New You.

We understand that in 2012, men want to update who they are and what they look like, too – but why does size matter? “With 33% of the U.S. men’s population under 5 foot 8, options for many men are limited.” Who knew of such an epidemic of minor proportions?

One store famously provides a solution to the epidemic: Jimmy Au’s for Men 5’8″ and Under is the States’ “only short men’s designer store.”

Here in the US of A, there is evidently not one other shop catering to men of average stature. Located in Beverly Hills, the store wardrobes for more than 25 hit TV shows, including No Ordinary Family, Grey’s Anatomy, Modern Family, House M.D., Brothers and Sisters, The Office, Parenthood and more (no word on Tom Cruise).

“Can I put you in touch with the Au’s for a possible short man’s fashion interview?” EcoSalon has been asked. Oh, the synergy.

Super Moms Get Toxic!

On January 17, the new series SuperMoms launches its first episode online, featuring television stars Brennan Hesser, Joey Lauren Adams, Julie Warner and Lourdes Benedict. Wait, who?

These four women “not only share the common bond of motherhood, but also the uncommon responsibility of being superheroes working together to foil their arch-enemy, Dr. Deconstructo.”

Anybody else bothered by the fact that this show is presented by The Clorox Company, yet is being pitched to us eco folks here at EcoSalon headquarters?

The toxic avenger mothers are portrayed in a retro-style vibe that offers “both live-action and animated ‘superhero’ storylines, with the moms bouncing between their real identities and their animated alter egos. It’s a throwback to classic superhero characters and cartoons and is an excellent metaphor for the “super” in all moms we know!”

Because moms who use Clorox are super! You are super! Dr. Deconstructo is not super!

The trailer is now live on the SuperMoms‘ Facebook page. Other television and reality TV favorites starring in the series include Tabitha Morella, Tim Rock, K Callan, Hank Baskett, Jacob Hopkins, Caitlin Carmichael, Jake Borelli, Patrick Fabian and Larry Poindexter, none of whom we have ever heard of.

Image: Andy Armstrong

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