When it comes to self love, some of us have a better handle on it than others because those lucky souls have learned to accept themselves for who they really are. And it’s a lesson that we could all benefit from.

We all have those times when we feel like we’re not good enough–not smart enough, not pretty enough, not eloquent enough. We think that if anyone found out who we actually were behind the projection screen, they’d hate us. So we hate ourselves instead. That’s when comparison thinking gets more pronounced. Everyone else is richer, more fashionable, and more together.

We’re all human, that’s why we have these ups and downs. As if sometimes we could take on the world and other times we’re completely worthless.

What’s your take on self love? And how susceptible are you to self shaming in your life?

Why not take steps to stop shaming yourself? These steps will help you get started:

-Stop worrying what other people think so much.

The projection of who people think you are isn’t real anyway so stop worrying so much what people think about who you are. Self love comes from doing the best you can in life and then letting the chips fall where they may. Some people are going to like you and some aren’t. But trying too hard to maintain control is a waste of time. Love yourself enough to stop worrying so much what people think.

-Perfection isn’t perfect.

You’re never going to be perfect so striving for perfection all the time is just another stressor. Everyone has baggage. Everyone. And trying to be the most beautiful at-ease specimen just isn’t realistic. Regardless of what Facebook or Instagram tells us, we all have personality faults, big and small, and we all crumble sometimes.

-Love all of you.

Loving the positive qualities in yourself is easy but true self love comes from loving positive and negative qualities. You’re a mixed bag so accept the whole lot. Who says that the qualities you deem so shameful are really even that bad? One tool for creating this all around self love is through meditation. When thoughts or feelings come up in meditation, resist the urge to label them as bad or good. Instead, just notice that they arise during meditation. This way, you won’t have such a reaction to the qualities that cause self shaming in your life.

-Stop the negative talk.

What you say to yourself matters. We can be our own worst critics. Notice when you start chastising yourself for one reason or another and cool it. Words matter, so what you say to yourself and about others shapes your perception of the world over and over again. Be aware of your inner monologue.

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Your inner critic is screaming. We give others a break for one thing and then hate ourselves for that very same quality. So often, the lies we tell ourselves are detrimental not only to our success but to our overall happiness. The first step is catching yourself before the damage is done.

Your Inner Critic: 7 Hurtful Lies We Tell Ourselves

1. She’s better than me.

I’m guilty of it and it’s one of the most counterproductive lies you can tell yourself. Judging your insides with someone else’s outsides. You don’t know how other people feel or if they’re happy but even still, you’re judging your own achievements but what others around you appear to have. Don’t compare, it causes despair.

2. Past mistakes are causing me not to have success today.

Whatever you strive for in life, let go out your past mistakes. Realize that you learned from them and they took you where you are today. Living in the past will never bring you happiness in the present.

3. That third drink is no big deal.

You know that three drinks is too much. You’re going to feel guilty tomorrow and think less of yourself. Yet you think this time will be different. It won’t.

4. I’ll start tomorrow.

You can’t meditate today but tomorrow you’ll meditate twice to catch up. Why wait? If you want the benefits of something in your life, start on it today.

5. People will find out I’m not that good.

This is particularly true of women in the workplace. Women often think that they’re surrounded by people who are smarter than them. There’s a fear of their employer “finding out” that they’re not deserving of their position. Quiet your inner critic.

6. I’m completely out of control.

When things get chaotic in life, you may feel like life is completely out of control. In part it is, but there are things that you can do to find success in your little slice of life. First, do one thing at a time. Multi-tasking is a myth which means you’ll just do a poor job on each task. Write a to-do list and check one thing off at a time. Do a little at a time and eventually you’ll feel more in control.

7. I’m alone.

You’re not. We all have shortcomings or perceived shortcomings. We all have periods when we feel worthless and alone. But the reality is we’re all in this together and we’re all going through similar trials and tribulations.

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There are many reasons to stay in your comfort zone and avoid risks – but it’ll cost you.

I wish I’d taken Polaroids of people’s faces when I told them I was quitting my job to become a writer: “What was I thinking leaving a steady paycheck behind?” they seemed to ask. “How would I ever make enough money?” Oddly enough, the uncertainty was what I was looking forward to most.

Yes, fear was part of the equation, but not in the usual way. I didn’t fear becoming a writer – I feared staying in my comfort zone and not becoming one. Even if I ended up living in my mom’s walk-in closet, at least I was going after my dream.

That’s the thing about risks: they’re all around us, whether we choose to engage them or not. What many of us forget is that not taking risks is also a risk – maybe the biggest risk of all. When you spend too much time bubble-wrapped in your comfort zone, you’re doing your mind and body more of an injustice than that time you ate an entire carton of ice cream in one sitting (oh wait, that was me).

Your comfort zone should be a place to rest when your life is giving you a beating, but for many of us it’s our status quo. “I believe that in childhood, for the most part, we’re taught not to take risks, which leads to all kinds of limiting beliefs as adults that we have to overcome,” says life coach Kristi Blicharski. “Taking a risk is empowering, whether it works out or not, because taking action is one of the key elements of creating a full life.”

According to a new study by researchers at the Yale School of Medicine, our ability to take risks decreases as we age. So if you’re constantly anxious and worried about risk, your comfort zone will get smaller by the day. Here’s what else that cushy comfort zone is costing you:

1. The lifestyle you really want.
I know what you’re going to say: “Job this, husband that, kids this, friends that, money, money, money!” Blah. What good are you to anyone if you’re always settling for less (or worse, for what other people want for you)?

2. A healthy brain.
“If we only stay within our routine, we aren’t giving the brain the exercise it needs to stay flexible,” says Tamar Chansky, Ph.D., author of Freeing Yourself from Anxiety. “Change makes life more interesting and stimulating, but it also translates to changes in our wiring we can’t see.”

3. A boosted immune system.
According to a study published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, researchers found that there’s a strong connection between living your life with a sense of purpose and a healthy immune system, and that shallower forms of happiness (i.e. buying all that “stuff”) actually weaken your physical defenses.

4. Confidence.
Taking risks is exhilarating – in fact, it’s borderline addictive. Risks don’t have to be huge, they just need to offer some form of personal growth. This will boost your confidence in a big way, and soon, you’ll seek out new ways to challenge yourself. (Don’t you want to know you can handle anything?)

5. Self-trust.
Here’s the biggest thing I’ve learned since becoming a freelancer: people suck at trusting themselves. We’re given this amazing set of survival instincts, and then we do everything we can to avoid using them by staying well-within the comfort zone! Meanwhile, our anxiety would actually decrease if we took them for a spin more often, boosting our resiliency and diminishing self-doubt.

6. Actual comfort.
“When we engage in activities that are moderately difficult, our sense of joy and accomplishment increases,” says Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D., author of A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness. When you hang out in your comfort zone for the right reasons (you know, instead of letting fear call the shots), it becomes that much more… well, comfortable.

Don’t fear taking risks – fear not taking them. When was the last time you ditched your comfort zone and took a risk?

Related on EcoSalon:

7 Reasons Why Women Lack Confidence (and What to Do About It)

Are Women Too Fearful?

Practice Really Does Make (Almost) Perfect

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Do you have trouble going after what you want? Have you been offered a big opportunity but don’t know if you have the confidence to make it happen? Learn seven of the most common reasons that women lack confidence, and how to bust through each one.

Far fewer women than men are entrepreneurs because women are generally more afraid of failure than men, according to the Global Entrepreneurship Monitor 2012 Women’s Report [PDF]. In the battle of the sexes, women fall short in terms of confidence, which is unfortunate because self confidence plays an important part in both personal and professional success.

So why are women more likely to lack confidence than men? And more importantly, what can women do to break the cycle?

1. The world around you.

Confidence is your inner perception of your own ability to fulfill a particular job or role in society and it’s influenced by the world around you. This includes crazy families, downer friends, non-supportive partners, and negative employers.

What to do:

Surround yourself with support. Pick a spouse who believes in you, a boss that sees your success, and supportive friends to push you in the right direction when you need it the most.

2. Not living up to goals.

When a goal is accomplished it inspires confidence, but in the same regard, when a goal isn’t accomplished it leads us to question ourselves further.

What to do:

Create a list of well thought out values that you want to achieve in your life. And over time set achievable goals over fixed periods of time. Being a goal oriented individual will do a lot to help you achieve success and even more importantly, build confidence through that success.

3. Faking it until you make it.

Everyone says that you should fake it until you make it, but the fact of the matter is false confidence is no better than lacking confidence.

What to Do:

Take steps to build real confidence. Don’t duck at meetings, speak up. Don’t wait to be chosen. Admit what you don’t know but emphasize the strengths that demonstrate your potential for success.

4. Women assume others are smarter than them.

Women often think that they’re surrounded by people that are smarter than them. There’s a fear of their employer “finding out” that they’re not deserving of their position. Men are less likely to waste time on this sort of thinking.

What to do:

Realize when negative self talk takes over. You’re just as deserving of your position as the dude to your right so stop wasting time on repetitive negative thinking.

5. General pessimism.

Those that lack confidence also tend to think negatively. Just like you think that everyone else is smarter than you, you also think that everyone is prettier, kinder, and has their sh*t together.

What to do:

The power of positive thinking is real. Take a bad situation and try and imagine the positive outcomes that could come from it. Step by step, have faith in either a higher power or yourself (or both). You’ll be shocked at how much more positive the outcome can be. And don’t settle for negative people, they just bring you down.

6. Hormonal surges.

Unfortunate but true. Women have hormonal surges that men don’t have to deal with because of the flow  of estrogen and progesterone in the brain. Sometimes the way we interpret feedback has to do with where we are in our cycle. In fact, 90 percent of women experience some form of low self-esteem two to four days before they start their period.

What to do:

This is a hard one but there are some steps that you can take. Cut back on sugar, alcohol, and caffeine, which all impact mood. Get enough sleep and realize that your moods aren’t you they’re just a part of you. It’s easy to believe the bad when you’re in a bad place.

7. Half genes and half surroundings.

Our personalities are half our genes and half our surroundings. If your parents lacked onfidence than you’re more likely to struggle with it. Additionally, if your parents didn’t demonstrate a belief or interest in your abilities than you won’t either.

What to do:

You can’t help your genes but you can completely help your surroundings. It’s for this reason that number 1 is so darn important.

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10 Real-Life Women Superheroes
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