Some women have chosen to lead a childfree life. And Therese Shechter is telling some of these women’s stories.

“My So Called Selfish Life”

Therese Shechter is running a Kickstarter to help fund her new film, “My So Called Selfish Life”. If the Kickstarter is funded, “Selfish Life” will become a documentary-style film featuring women who have decided to not have kids.

Although the film is about childless women, it isn’t a takedown on traditional motherhood. The movie also is for the men and women who support their childless friends.

In addition to giving historical context concerning how women are typically treated as potential, current, or past child bearers in pop culture, politics, etc., the movie also will introduce viewers to:

• A Red State couple under pressure to procreate from unexpected sources.
• The childfree founders of a LGBT seniors’ community.
• A college student on a five-year quest to get her tubes tied.
• An artist and rapper searching for her “Golden Girls” family.
• And a woman whose unsuccessful fertility treatments led to a life transformation.

Support is there, but it depends on your community

Shechter says most of the Kickstarter feedback is supportive. “I’ve been getting lots of comments on Facebook from mothers who enthusiastically tell me they’re backing our Kickstarter campaign to support their friends who choose not to be parents,” she says.

“It’s really heartening to see that kind of love.”

She adds, though, that this support truly depends on a person’s community. “I just got back from the NotMom Summit, a conference for women without kids, and there was a lot of discussion about losing friends over this choice,” she adds.

“When women suddenly get left out of social occasions. Or hearing the ‘you’ll change your mind’ commentary too much… Or because their friends get defensive thinking there’s some judgement on their own choice to be parents.”

Changing opinions via media activism

Shechter says she believes in media activism; basically, she wants to use her documentary to get at the politics behind why our society seems so scared of women who don’t want to reproduce. “My documentaries are seen all over the world and are part of college curricula. So, this is a chance to ignite some important conversations. Especially where there aren’t any conversations happening at all,” she says.

“My last film, ‘How To Lose Your Virginity’, was about myths around female sexuality. When we showed it in Turkey, audience members said they had never talked about this subject until our screening. I’d like to do that with the choice to be childfree.”

If you want to help Kickstart “My So-Called Selfish Life”, donate here before October 18th.

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The post ‘My So-Called Selfish Life’ and the Conscious, Childfree Choice: #NowWhat appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnChildfree by choice: Society still doesn’t accept that some women don’t want to be moms.

On the heels of an August cover story in Time called “The Childfree Life,” this week, HuffPo Women brought us, 23 Things You Should Never Say To A Childfree Woman. Despite the fact that, as Time reports, today, 1 in 5 American women don’t give birth to children, compared with 1 in 10 in the ’70s, apparently there’s still a need for articles like the HuffPo piece for how to talk to emotionally frigid mutants like us.

As far as I know, I am technically able to get pregnant. To be fair, I am 36 and haven’t checked so, the “welcomeness of the womb,” as they say, is unknown. My husband and I made the choice years ago not to have children. As we’ve gotten older, we’ve checked in to make sure we’re on the same page, and I feel lucky that we have been.

As a childfree woman by choice, I have my own list of things I never want to hear. And, as a quick aside, if I’m annoyed by all of the know-it-all assumptions about childless women, I can only imagine how people who actually want kids but haven’t yet, or can’t, have them must feel when they have to endure these comments. I applaud those of you in that camp for not kicking people in the face on a regular basis.

1. You must hate kids.
I don’t hate children. I do believe that as little humans, kids don’t get an automatic pass to be assholes. Crying on planes: I get ya kid; I do it too, sometimes. A bad day and a random tantrum? Sure. I feel worse for the parents in those situations. But, kids who act like snotty, entitled brats and think the word should revolve around them? No thanks.

For proof that I do like kids, see the above photo of me with my fake nephew, Zach. We are reading about planes and discussing whether an apple-coptor would really work. He said “apple” when I pointed at the drawing, so I am fairly sure that he is super smart (definitely smarter than most kids his age) and knows that one cannot fly in produce.

2. You must be selfish.
Some people assume that those of us uninterested in parenting are selfish. My assumption, as long as we’re making them, is that those people are jealous that I have time to read a book with words. That I can say “fuck” whenever I want to, and that I don’t have to save money for someone’s college tuition. My other assumption is that they feel sorry for me because I “don’t get it.” Bringing me to…

3. You just don’t get it.
“It” being: I’m missing out on a depth of love I will never understand. In some ways, I agree that I might be. But I have thought a lot about this, and I’m okay with trading the life I don’t get for the life I have and love. Also, I will make your children love me. Watch out for aunt Libby! I will tell your children embarrassing stories about you and buy them expensive crap that you can’t afford because you have to buy them boring things like food.  

4. Who will take care of you when you’re old?
Your kids will! Ha ha. Kidding (mostly, see previous comment re: me buying your kids’ love). This is a big issue so, I will start with the assumption built into the question: That kids will care for parents as they age. Fact: Some kids can’t or won’t take care of their parents. How I will navigate old age is something I think about a lot. This has led to a two-part plan relying on smarts and karma.

First, build a life filled with friends of all ages (at the moment, the youngest person I would call to grab dinner is in her late 20s and the oldest is in her mid-60s). Fake-aunt the shit out of the kids I like. Help older friends navigate their DVRs or whatever new technology is baffling them. This helps you cover your karmic bases and keeps you connected with people who are older and wiser, and with people who know who those girls on the cover of US Weekly are.

Second, save money and get okay with the idea of assisted living (AKA: The Old People Dorm Plan) once you are too old for the—highly preferable for obvious reasons—Golden Girls Plan. To remain independent as long as possible, take care of yourself. I’m not looking forward to dealing with my care during my own demise, but I am pretty confident that my plan will work just as well as having kids.

5. You’ll change your mind.
No, I won’t change my mind, and if you wish that on me, we are no longer friends. I’m hardly an old hag, but we all know that as women age it’s not quite as easy to get pregnant. Telling a 36-year-old woman that she will change her mind is not only not your place, it’s not nice. I have seen numerous friends struggle to get pregnant. It’s not as easy for everyone as they tell you it is in sex ed, so bite your tongue.

6. You owe your totally amazing parents a grandchild.
The fact that my parents would be the best grandparents on the planet (and they would) doesn’t mean I should have a baby. This gem from the HuffPo, “Your mom had you!” seems to get at the idea that it’s my turn to reciprocate.

Well, why yes, my mom did have me. And for that I am grateful. I am even more grateful that she had me because she wanted to, and that she and my dad made a conscious decision to add on to their family. I would also like to applaud my parents for never pressuring me to have a baby. To reward them, I turn the other way when they give my dog people food.

7. Don’t you want a family?
Yes, I want a family—in fact, I have one. My husband and dog, my parents, his parents, some siblings, some stepparents, some grandparents, friends I have known for 33 years, friends I have known for what feels like 33 years, fake aunts, fake uncles, cousins, blood nieces and nephews, fake nieces and nephews, a work husband. All of these people are my family.

8. Do you think I’m lame for having kids?
No, that’s just dumb. I think it’s great that you want to have kids. I respect my friends for being honest about how hard it is to be a parent, for talking openly about what they have given up in addition to celebrating the joy they have gained—and for respecting my choice to be a kick-ass aunt and a supportive friend rather than a mom myself. I genuinely like seeing their kids’ pictures on Facebook.

In the constant conversations about how women create balance, where are the partners? The language used in articles about family and decision-making mirror how our society views children—as a woman’s decision (unless we’re talking about abortion, of course). For a single person (male or female, gay or straight), yes, deciding to have a baby might be a choice made alone. For a woman or a man with a partner, ideally this is a team decision. If it’s not, you may want to rethink your team.

Most conversations about childfree women seek to divide us in yet one more way. As women, rather than undermine each other for our personal choices with back-handed compliments and outright insults, we need to agree that all reproductive choices should be personal and applaud each other for whatever path we choose.

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A weekly roundup of EcoSalon’s top stories.

Take five. Here’s an at-a-glance chance to reconnect with or catch top stories you might have missed this week at EcoSalon:

Like shopping online? This week we published a comprehensive guide to where you should be shopping. Our Top 15 Online Eco-Boutiques is a thorough resource for sustainable fashion. Get your shopping engines revving.

Whether you choose to have a child or not is a very personal choice. Editor Andrea Newell explores the topic in Childfree: The Way To Be?

Newell writes: “The family landscape is changing, and the point is choice. The number of women not having children is rising whether society chooses to accept it or not. We can let this issue drive a wedge between parents and non-parents, or we can see it as a way to improve our society’s health.”

Natural flavors are often anything but. Like Nature Intended deals with some troubling information, such as one common ingredient often used to enhance raspberry and vanilla flavors, known as castoreum. Castoreum is made from the anal secretions of beavers. Natural, my…

In Men And The Women Who Make Them Irrelevant, we take a critical look at whether women’s increasingly visible role in society is to blame for the alleged demise of men.

This week, we also launched an exclusive promotion! The Box is filled with products from top green companies including Loomstate, A Perfume Organic and PeopleTowels. An unbelievably low $99 gets you $500 worth of products to keep or gift to mom this Mother’s Day! We’re almost sold out, so hurry and get yours today.

Image: stopherjones

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More people are choosing to remain childfree.

My friend, Katherine, has always been sure that she wanted a house full of children; she’s just one of those people who falls into motherhood easily and happily. Another friend, Anna, does not want to have children. I walk the middle line, with the mother role being something I’m still learning to wear comfortably.

It’s a cliche by now that those with children encourage, pressure, even browbeat all the misguided people who claim to care less about having children. But why should this be so?

Taking On Parenthood

Parenthood is a major life change and it requires a huge emotional, financial and lifestyle investment for the rest of your years. How can we blame anyone who honestly assesses their hopes and dreams and decides that being a parent is not part of them? What our society should do is encourage and support those who do want children, and applaud those who realize that they don’t. Pushing people to take on such a huge unwanted responsibility can only spell misery for everyone.

Many people call the childfree choice selfish. Selfish, to me, would be having children and then always placing your needs and desires above theirs, resenting them for demanding time, money and energy you don’t want to give, and making them feel unwanted. Realizing that you don’t want to go down this path is simply being self-aware of your mental, spiritual and financial demands, and knowing that a child simply doesn’t fit.

If You Don’t Want to Be a Parent, You Can’t Be a Good One

I recently read a comment by a woman who spelled out all the reasons she chose not to have children and why she didn’t want to be a parent. She then added that she really resented it when she told people this and they assumed that she would be a poor parent. They’re right. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t say that you don’t want to invest the time, emotion, or money it takes to be a parent, and then say that, nevertheless, you would be a great parent.

I don’t choose to invest hundreds of thousands of dollars into attending law school, spend hours studying kitchen plumbing or log enough airtime to become a pilot so similarly, why would I force anyone to become a parent? While no parent is perfect, the baseline requirement is wanting to be one.

The Great Divide

While I support a person’s right not to have children, I also don’t want to be glared at in restaurants, resented in the workplace, and disparaged because I chose to have children. Similarly, childfree adults also don’t want to be discriminated against for their choices.

The family landscape is changing, and the point is choice. The number of women not having children is rising whether society chooses to accept it or not. We can let this issue drive a wedge between parents and non-parents, or we can see it as a way to improve our society’s health. Is it such a bad thing to promote fewer families with children, and stronger family units? To have individuals who lead better, more contented lives because they are encouraged to feel proud of their chosen lifestyle?

Image: kevindooley

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If green parenting web sites, organic applesauce, and reusable diapers are any indication, eco mommies are on the rise. But so are women who say that even baby feet leave a major carbon footprint. And they’re opting not to have children as a result.

Last year, Oregon State University released a study showing that going childless is a better way help the environment than recycling, driving an energy-efficient car, or using compact fluorescent bulbs. It’s 20 times more effective, in fact. Raising a kiddo in the United States can tack an extra 9,441 metric tons of carbon dioxide to a person’s carbon legacy. By having a single child, one individual’s environmental impact will increase almost six-fold.

While some women cite the environment as their primary reason not to have children, others say it’s an added benefit to the childfree lifestyle. These women are part of the GINK movement (that’s Green Inclinations, No Kids) as coined by Lisa Hymas in an article for Grist last week. GINKs opt not to procreate for many reasons – not enough time, money, or desire, to name a few – and they see their decision as a boon to the environment.

“Here’s a simple truth,” said Hymas. “For an average person like me – someone who doesn’t have the ability of an Al Gore to reach millions, or of a Nancy Pelosi to advance (if not actually enact) landmark environmental legislation, or of a Van Jones to inspire (and piss off) whole new audiences – the single most meaningful contribution I can make to a cleaner, greener world is to not have children.”

In a 2007 article I wrote for the Colorado Springs Independent, Peter Wenker, a member of a social club for childfree couples called No Kidding, cited similar feelings. “If you are not the kind of person who wants to [parent], it’s not going to be fair, given the fact that the planet doesn’t need your kids. It’s important to make sure that if you do have kids, that it will be good for you and the planet.”

Whatever the rationale, GINKs are not alone in opting not to have children. According to U.S. census data, in 1980 just 36.7 percent of women between the ages of 18 to 44 were childless. Thirty years later, we’re up to 45 percent for a similar age bracket (15 to 44).

Going childfree isn’t for everyone, of course – most people don’t do it. What are your thoughts?

Image: kevindooley

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