A parent child relationship can be tricky thing–for some it brings up feelings of security and unconditional love, but for others it’s filled with resentment and discontent. Maybe it’s aggravating and brimming with tension. For many of us, it’s somewhere in between.

No matter the current state of your relationship, there are steps you can take to improve a parent child relationship.

Examine Your Negative Feelings

If a parent child relationship brings up negative feelings, take a few minutes to meditate on why. What’s the cause of the deep seated aggravation? Have you looked at your parent’s perspective? When it comes to your relationship with your parents, are you taking their needs into account or are you putting your needs ahead of them? When we were younger, we expected our parents to take care of us and now as those roles begin to switch, it can be difficult to absorb.

Respect Your Parents Like You Would a Good Friend

Treat your parents with the same respect that you would a good friend. This attitude helps to stave off any tendency to correct and jump on your parents when they say something you consider offensive. Respect and understand the generation gap.

Improve a parent child relationship by respecting personality differences as you would in a good friend. You wouldn’t constantly criticize a friend for welcoming clutter, for example. So don’t attack your parents for the same issue.

Establish Ground Rules

By establishing ground rules, you avoid the need for awkward arguments later on. If your parents know they have to call before dropping by, then you’re a lot less likely to have to deal with resentment when they pop in unexpectedly. If they know you don’t want them disciplining your children when you’re present, it can stave off unnecessary conflict. Whatever your particular rules, knowing ahead of time relieves tension in the moment.

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It’s true miracle when two people live a life together, for better or worse.  Life becomes a journey in which you traverse it with that special someone.  But, with so much societal pressure to settle down, you might wonder “is he the one?” I was a serial monogamous and yet, when I knew I had found the one, there was no doubt in my mind. Here are 9 ways you can answer “is he the one?” once and for all.

1. You have the same values.

At the end of the day you’re on the same page with what really matters. You believe in the same ethics and want similar dreams. Points of views can often be apples and oranges, and meshing different opinions in a relationship can be exciting and fun. But when it comes to “for better or worse” having similar core values will keep you together.

2. He’s thoughtful.

Is he the one? The answer might be yes if you’re on his mind throughout the day. Does he take action by surprising you with flowers, cooking your favorite meal or drawing you a bath after a tough day? He knows actions speak louder than words.

3. The sex is good.

Good sex is crucial to surviving “for better or worse.” Sex sustains a long lasting relationship, tying the bond and literally bringing you closer together.

4. You can always be yourself.

Is he the one? If you can always be who you are, and he still loves every part of you, the answer might be yes.

5. He listens.

Whether it’s the trouble at work, or the climax to the romance novel you’re reading, he listens to you. From big to small he lends an ear and truly takes in what you are saying.

6. You love not just his body, but his heart and mind.

No piece-meal loving here–It’s the whole package, that turns you on.  From mind, body and heart, you love it all.

7. He’s supportive.

Is he the one? Yes if he nurtures your dreams, trusts you to follow your heart, and shows his support with what is right for you. He provides you a supportive foundation to fly confidently in the direction of your dreams, for better or worse.

8. You learn from each other.

Over the months and years together, your personal growth as an individual doesn’t stop.  You continue to learn from each other as your partner teaches through their words or their actions.

9. Your heart knows.

“The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing,” Blaise Pasca famously said. When all reason fails you know he is the one that you want to spend your life with, for better and for worse.

Note: these tips are written from a heterosexual perspective, but swap the pronouns, and they’re applicable for any gender or type of relationship!

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Image: imagineitall

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ColumnIs it possible to fall in love while still retaining your freedom?

This week I received a philosophically-compelling letter from a friend back in the States. This year, like me, she has elected to be single after a long term relationship and has been savoring the sweetness of her alone time. This isn’t to say that her experience has been a flipping frolic in the rhododendrons, but rather that she has been pleased to witness her own strength, gratified by her solitude, and keen on exploring her self-sovereignty.

She has indulged in a few one-night stands, finding fresh encounters with new men both purgative and healing, but she has recently found herself in the awkward position of falling in love when it’s the last thing she was looking for. The guy is a formidable mind, severely handsome and a leader in his community, and their intimacy is the product of respect and mutuality. My friend, who has for the past few months been so emboldened by her single status, is quite rightly freaking out. She is not interested in giving up a good thing like her freedom.

In her letter to me, she posed this question: Can a girl fall in love without losing her liberty? Well, damned if I know, but it sure as hell doesn’t hurt to examine the matter and try to figure it out. Here it goes: EcoSalon’s weekly Sex by Numbers, penned as an open letter to my dear friend and in truth, as much a letter to myself as it is to her:

You are privileged. For 99.9 percent of human history, women have rarely had the choice to be alone. Marriage and family were inflexible obligations beginning in one’s teenage years, and you are absolutely and utterly privileged to have space and self-determination to develop as a person in your own right. At the same time, there are scores of contemporary women who, unlike you, never made the decision to be single and who deeply yearn for companionship and relief from loneliness. You are so lucky to be at such a juncture, to have the power and privilege to chart a trajectory of your own choosing. Be flooded with gratitude for it.

You are whole. It is a many splendored thing to be a full and psychologically integrated creature with a sound mind, a convention-defying career of your own making, and an emotionally rich life teeming with people from around the world who love and adore you. You are the rare sort of woman who is unafraid to kneel down and kiss the ground in worship for life, despite all of its inanity and cruelty. You inspire others to be bigger than themselves and recognize their belonging to a sum far vaster than their own small experience. You are complete and ever becoming.

You are uncompromising. You have said it yourself, repeatedly, that it is in your best interest to stay single right now. I am reminding you of your own voice and convictions. It’s so nice to make love with a beautiful man and allow the neurochemical spell of sexuality to lull you into its sweet embrace. In fact, there’s nothing easier in the world than falling into a relationship. A partnership is nourishing, it offers the comfort of safety. It’s also the very thing that distances you from confronting you and from staring headlong at the bullshit and personal history from which it’s far more pleasant to run from than reckon. Don’t give up your reckoning. Don’t obfuscate the demons of your own heart with yet another boyfriend. Please wait, don’t bend, and choose the hard road. You know it will be worth it in the end.

You can have it all. I am by no means suggesting you abandon this very joyful and pleasurable development in your life, but simply encourage self-governance and vigilance. Yes! Revel in the effervescence and ecstasy. Give yourself over to love and longing. Be heedlessly sexual and luxuriate in all manner of life affirming things. At the same time, steel yourself. Guard that dark-black onyx stone in your heart of hearts. Don’t show it. It’s not for sharing. I don’t believe that openness and affection are incompatible with hardness. I believe that a woman is validly wild and free only when her emotions are kept in check and uncomplicated. Complication is the enemy of pleasure.

You can cultivate non-attachment. This isn’t hippie science, this is the modern woman’s way. Be in love, but be methodical. Don’t project a future onto him/it/you. Curry your freedom with the same measure of passion you do your orgasm. Being in relationship with a man doesn’t have to mean being in a relationship with him, dig?

You can have so much sex. Awesome! Keep it up. Sex by Numbers unequivocally endorses this. Do it with abandon and send me frequent (and immodest) updates.

Thank you for inspiring me to be a better person and, what’s more, thank you for being my friend.

With heaps of love and admiration,

Abigail xoxo

Sex By Numbers is an ongoing look into the emotional and sexual lives of the modern day woman. Follow Abigail Wick weekly here for insight and inspiration as she explores the “sex” of women and the terrain they must travel.

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