If you’ve experienced any type of sexual abuse or trauma, you may cope by dissociating during sex.

Dissociation can happen during good and bad sexual experiences, and once you’ve done it, it’s pretty easy to continue dissociating. During bad sexual experiences, some people say they feel like they are leaving their bodies. You feel like your body is shutting down — it’s almost like your brain is trying to protect you from the massive amount of trauma you’re experiencing.

Here’s a description about dissociation from sex therapist Vanessa Martin in a XOJane article:

“You may have felt like you were floating up by the ceiling, standing right next to yourself, or far, far away. I tell my clients that dissociation is actually an amazing defense mechanism. Your psyche knew that it was unsafe to be in your body during the abuse, so it got the hell out of there.”

But as stated previously, dissociation can happen during happy, consensual sex, too. That’s why many sexual assault survivors have a difficult time staying “present” and enjoying sex.

Thankfully, Martin says that there are plenty of healthy ways to stop dissociation during sex, and “reclaim” your sex life:

What triggers you to leave your body?: Does a certain sexual position cause you to dissociate? If so, share this with your partner. You don’t have to eliminate that position altogether, but work on making it a positive experience. Other things that can cause body triggering are certain phrases or words, etc.

Where do you go when you leave?: Many people feel like they are standing beside themselves, or hovering above their bodies. I typically just blank out by focusing on a spot on a wall. Think about why you retreat to the place you “go,” and work on coaxing yourself out of that “check out” state.

You also can think about what it feels like when you dissociate. Do you feel numb? Sad? Angry? Pinpointing those feelings can help you learn how to better respond to your body.

Also: Consider contacting a therapist, counselor, or sex therapist. I suggest perusing RAINN, too — it’s a great resource for sexual assault survivors.

If you dissociate during sex, it doesn’t mean your sex life is over. If anything, it means you are aware of what you are doing, and now you are prepared to take the steps to learn how to positively respond to happy, consensual sex.

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Image: Gary J. Wood

The post Recovering from Sexual Abuse: Sex and Dissociation Isn’t Uncommon appeared first on EcoSalon.

While “no means no” should never be eliminated from anyone’s vocabulary, it may be time for us all to learn an even better sexual safety phrase.

You’ve all heard the saying, “no means no,” right? It’s a saying everyone should know from young childhood onward. Unfortunately, though, many people who have been sexually assaulted don’t get the chance to even say no. Often times, they are frozen in fear or disbelief, or are drugged, or passed out, and unable to respond.

In California, lawmakers are considering a measure that would require all colleges (which are, unfortunately, where many sexual assaults occur) that receive public funds to set a new anti-rape standard: “Yes means yes.”

Sounds pretty killer to me! I’m a huge fan of the ever increasing wave of women and men who want to build and support a system that is all about defining happy, enthusiastic, consensual sex.

According to the Yahoo, many universities, such as the University of California system and Yale, are adopting the yes-centric philosophy. SB-967, the bill supporting student sexual safety, was passed by the California senate in May and came before the State Assembly in early August.

While the bill requires that people get affirmative consent when engaging in, and during, intercourse, it does state that consent can be nonverbal. So, yes means yes, and often times, yes also means a mutual embrace and an enthusiastic hop into bed.

The bill also states the following, awesome things:

• Each person that’s involved in a sexual activity should ensure that he or she has affirmative consent of the people engaging in the sexual activity.
• Lack of protest or resistance does not mean consent.
• Silence does not mean consent.
• Affirmative consent can be revoked at any time during sexual activity.
• Just because a person has or has had a relationship with a person doesn’t mean that there’s automatic sexual consent.
• A person can be accused of assault if that individual knows that another person was not able to consent to sexual activity.

Not surprisingly, there are critics of the bill who say that it is attempting to micromanage sex (barf). Other critics are saying that the bill aims to turn sex into rape. Ha! That’s a good one. These critics must be jesting because anyone who has ever had sex knows they can attain affirmative consent by actually interacting with their partner like a, well, I don’t know, healthy sexual human being?

I, for one, am incredibly happy about this bill and that people are beginning to hear the phrase “yes means yes.” If anything, the phrase allows people (especially young people) to discover that sex is supposed to be an interactive endeavor where everyone ends up happy and satisfied.

To help explain what “yes means yes” means, some schools, such as Yale, have developed word problems that give different scenarios of people engaging in sexual activity. Some scenarios give an example of “no consent” while others detail “unambiguous agreements.” Antioch College has even started a “Consent is Sexy” campaign.

For more on mutual consent and the awesome “yes means yes” culture, check out the website yesmeansyes.com to learn about Project Respect.

Related on EcoSalon

Terry Richardson, Consent and You: Sexual Healing

That Happened: The Steubenville Rape

Extinguish Sexual Shame by Claiming Your Authentic Desire: Sexual Healing

Resource

“California Legislature Considering ‘Yes Means Yes’ Campus Rape Bill,” Jezebel

Image: Chris Brown

The post ‘Yes Means Yes’ is an Awesome, No-Brainer Sexual Safety Measure appeared first on EcoSalon.