Recently, a friend and I were sitting around discussing how our periods are like prison time.

I have an IUD that causes my periods to last for two weeks every month. On my heaviest days, I need to visit the restroom about every 45 minutes to prevent my underpants from turning out like a battle scene from “Game of Thrones”(both gory and tedious to make sense of).

I also have two small children, so I can’t go anywhere without decent bathrooms. Why, you ask? Well. I need to safely corral them but leave them outside of the stall. I want them outside because I’m just not ready to answer questions about what mommy’s doing with her “ba-gina”. I want the bathroom to be reasonably clean because there’s an excellent chance they’re going to lick something while unattended. So forget all playgrounds, walks, stores, parks, libraries…basically anywhere except a nice hotel that comes with a nanny service. So, I tend to feel trapped at home.

Any-who, I was whining about my heavy flow and the expense and waste of all those tampons when my friend suggested the Diva Cup. The what-a-cup? It sounded like horrible soup. She explained it was a kind of flexible cup you stashed in your business that collected all of the blood instead of absorbing it. So, maybe I could wear it all day. Even on the days when every trip to the bathroom felt like the equivalent of a Civil War amputation.

Coincidentally, I also stumbled upon this hilarious rant in the Huffington Post, An Ode of Hatred To My Diva Cup, by Alex Logan. Logan despises the cup for being messy, inconvenient, non-functional, and uncomfortable. Like someone asking you to smell something nasty, I felt drawn to the Diva Cup. It was possible the universe was speaking to me. I ordered one that very day.

One of Logan’s gripes about the DC was its cost. She paid $40 for hers at Whole Foods. Amazon only made me shell out $27.78 with free shipping, so already I was totally winning! I had to decide if I wanted Model 1 (Pre Childbirth or under 30) or Model 2 (Post Childbirth or over 30). So I either had a normal sized vagina or an enormous one. I’m not sure why on the last night of your 20s the vagina fairy bestows a cavernous birth canal upon you, but whatever. Since I have the aforementioned offspring, I went for Model 2 (huge vag).

As fate would have it, the DC arrived on the very first day of my period. I was pretty excited to try it! But when it tumbled out its box, I was really taken aback at its largeness. Logan had a similar complaint. The thing looks really intimidating. I mean, it’s a silicone cup that can hold two ounces of liquid (a little less than the amount in a shot glass), so buyer beware. However, having pushed two babies the size of medicine balls through my vagina, I smugly felt I could handle it.

There’s a pamphlet included that tells you how to get it up there. Before you can do anything though, you need clean hands and a clean cup. The instructions advise you to wash your DC in “warm water and a mild, unscented, water-based (oil-free) soap”. So if you’re one of those anti-bac people, line up your plain soap before it’s deep sea diving time. Tip No. 1: When you wash it, always use warm water. It makes the cup softer and easier to mess with.

Next you fold it in half, then fold it in half again. This is not difficult. After it’s in they want you to rotate the cup to make sure it’s in the right place and fully opened. I rotated the shit out of that thing. I turned it like I was winding a goddamn clock. Tip No. 2: Zealous rotating is not helpful. Coupla turns should do it.

Then, done! I was pretty comfortable. Like a tampon, I could faintly detect something up there, but it didn’t bother me at all. After a while, I totally forgot all about it.

Then, it was time to take it out. That was a little funky. The DC has a ribbed stem at the bottom to help you grasp the cup and pull it out. But I didn’t feel like it was that simple.

First off, you gotta have a little bit of fingernail to pinch the stem and pull the fucker out. But not TOO much nail. Please God, keep ’em trimmed down somewhat. You really have to fish around sometimes. Thinking of those long, sharp acrylics is giving me the horrors. Secondly, it kept traveling pretty far up there while I was wearing it. It took some bearing down to get it to where I could grab the stem. (Maybe I DO have a huge vag…?) Finally, pulling it out is vaguely uncomfortable. Like I said before, the thing is somewhat sizeable. Taking it out feels like a very tiny birth. I wouldn’t call it painful, but it’s something. I would maybe liken it to birthing the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Small-ish and soft, but not really a good thing. However, I didn’t find it a deal breaker. Tip No. 3: Relax as much as possible and the removal is more comfortable.

And then there’s the mess. As long as you’re in the shower or a private bathroom, it’s really no problem. Watch your pants for dripping, though. I kept dripping one tiny, infuriatingly bright red drop on the waist band of my jeans. Every. Freaking. Time. Anyway, you empty it into the toilet and then wash it with your special soap before reinsertion. You’ll need a little clean up at this point. Baby wipes are helpful. Tip No. 4: The very easiest way to change the DC is in the shower. If you can time it that way (in the morning, after the gym, etc.) that’s your best bet.

Tip No. 5: Wear a panty liner with the DC when your flow is heavy. There’s a little leakage but not much. I would call it a light dusting. Not enough to soak through your pants, but enough to ruin your underwear. I would wear a liner with a tampon on a heavy day anyway, so this is no inconvenience to me.

Experiments

Here are some trials I did on a THF (Triple Heavy Flow) day. You could maybe compare it to the scene in “The Shining” when the elevator doors open and the ocean of blood surges forth:

1. Dancing. I put on The Weeknd and danced. I danced like, dirty. And…fine! No big leaks.

2. Water. On THF days I can’t go swimming because my tampon becomes water logged and blood starts to seep out. Very embarrassing and super grody. So, I checked out a hot tub. No leaks at all and I felt confident. I might have done some more dirty dancing in the tub just for fun. Just to double check! All went well, although my friends were a little alarmed at the dancing. Everyone else was just sitting and chatting quietly.

3. Vigorous Exercise. I got sweaty, girls!!! I worked it wicked hard. I’m a group exercise instructor and on THF days I have to run to the bathroom at least once during an hour long class. No more!!! I jumped, kicked, squatted, strained, and burpeed. Not one drop sullied my Lorna Janes!

4. Sleeping. Normally on THF days I have to stick three pads together to keep my overnight tampon overflow from ruining my sheets. My husband affectionately calls it, “The Diaper”. It sounds like a bag of cats ‘n candy wrappers when I walk. I wore the DC to bed (it’s safe to wear it for up to 12 hours) and for the first time in years, I tore off The Diaper in the morning and threw it’s pristine white triple thickness into the garbage. I’m freeeeeeeee! Never again! See you in hell, Diaper!!!

The Takeaway:

People who should not buy the Diva Cup:

-Women who regularly need to use public or shared bathrooms where the sinks are separate from the stalls.

People who should buy the Diva Cup:

-Everyone else.

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Image: Sarah Olive Bergeson

The post The Happiest Vagina on the Block OR Why You Should MAYBE Get A Diva Cup appeared first on EcoSalon.

A friend of mine told me that while she was a student at Bennington College in Vermont, sea sponges were popular alternatives to tampons and pads. I should have gone to Bennington. It was organic shrooms, not sea sponges, going around at UCSB!

Now that I’m no longer in the dark about the sponges I’m researching information on brands being sold. I’ve found a thriving eco market of alternatives to disposable menstrual products. Remember when Kotex made us think ultra-thin maxis were revolutionary? What were we thinking? Some women are even making their own organic pads and selling kits for you on the web.

If you can handle the added labor of reusables, here are a few options out there:

GladRags out of Portland, Oregon, gladly peddles reusable organic cotton sanitary pads, biodegradable jade and pearl sea sponge tampons, and a soft and hypoallergenic DivaCup (above). It was founded in 1992 by a new mom named Brenda who was inspired by the purity of her daughter’s cotton diapers, as well as desirous of stay-at-home business that could aid environmental change. And yes, there was the feminist motivation. She wanted to “promote positive attitudes towards menstruation.” Many studies show PMS symptoms are aggravated by a negative attitude about one’s body and menstrual cycle. This company is so forward thinking, it even offers school group discounts!

Another company, Sckoon Organics based in Soho, New York, is known for high-quality, organic baby clothing. But it also makes washable pads out of 100% organic cotton – which is soft and irritant-free. Among the sought-out products are the Night Pads, designed for heavy flows and postpartum use. Why washable? Sckoon points out that the washing is no burden when you think about the dioxin and other chemicals found in many major brands of pads and tampons – chemicals which have been linked to cervical and breast cancer, endometriosis and immune system suppression. “If dioxin isn’t enough to give you pause, pesticides used in cotton cultivation are showing up in disposable pads and tampons too and have been linked to birth defects, infertility, breast cancer, sterility, and respiratory problems,” the site warns. In addition, it says the plastic and glue backing on disposable pads “reduces air circulation and creates a stagnant environment in which some bacteria thrive, causing vaginal irritations and yeast infections.”

There are other alternative brands out there if you want to go the greener, cleaner route. Meantime, here’s a brief description of how these reusables work:

Reusable Menstrual Pads

The new reusable pads – a return to the rags of yore – feature a removable organic cotton liner that sits on top of a holder with an attachment to keep the pad in place. According to Epigee, the pads can last 3 to 10 years depending on usage and cost from $12 to $20. Scoon pads are machine washable and safe to put in the dryer or you can air dry them. It’s recommended to wash them before use to remove the cotton’s natural oils. After use, you can rinse and soak with laundry soap or any mild cleaner in cold water, then wash and dry like anything else. Buckets are also sold for storage until washing. (One user suggests dropping Tea Tree Oil into a bucket of cold water for sterilizing.)

Menstrual Cups

Shaped like a bell with a stem for for pulling it out, the DivaCup forms a seal with your vaginal wall which allows the cup to catch your flow. The new ones are made from medical-grade silicone. The sides fold and the cup is flexible, allowing you to bend it when you insert it. They hold about one ounce of blood and should be emptied carefully every 6 to 12 hours. The cups cost between $30 and $40 and can last for up to 10 years with proper care. Kim wasn’t such a fan of the DivaCup, however – read her review.

Silk Sea Sponge Tampons

Natural sea sponges like the kind my friend saw at Bennington College function like tampons, as they are worn internally but don’t need to be changed every few hours and thrown away. Instead, you can rinse out the one you are wearing or grab a dry one from your supply. Your finger is the applicator. The sponges are natural, biodegradable and sustainably harvested. Since they aren’t treated with chemicals or bleach, you must boil the sponge before using it for the first time. A package of 2 sea sponges can cost around $12 and be reused for up to 8 months. You can read more about caring for them at the GladRags site.

Make Your Own

Websites like Tiny Birds Organics and Born to Love provide patterns along with the how-to’s of making your own cloth pads using materials such as cotton terry/towel inserts, hemp fleece or organic cotton fleece, flannel cut in curved shapes and more. It’s a good way to go if you sew and want to save money on the retail products now being sold.

All of these products are good news for our plumbing as well as for our bodies. And they’re great for our daughters! To simplify things for them even more, a Northern Californian woman named Amber Weeks will soon introduce an organic green menstruation kit for teenage girls. As the mom of a teen, I can’t bear the thought of her using a conventional tampon. The no-brainer kits might just be what the doctor didn’t order…a healthy alternative for the next generation.

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