The comments section on this video are reason enough for it to exist. But please, don’t read the comments… Just appreciate the video’s attempt.

In the video below, Christy Mack, a domestic abuse survivor, stars in a Pornhub PSA. Sure, the PSA is a bit unemotional, but who cares. This woman has survived domestic abuse and she chose to say something about it — who cares how she talks? All we have to say is good for her.

Related on EcoSalon

Healthy Sexuality in a Dangerous World: Sexual Healing

Domestic Abuse: Why the #WhyIStayed, #WhyILeft Hashtags are Important

Women on Film: Ike, Tina and The Realities of Domestic Violence

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ColumnLately, it seems like there are too many stories of women being battered, harassed, trolled, stalked and threatened, both online and off. It’s enough to make us feel like there is no such thing as safe space, especially when it comes to expressing and enjoying healthy sexuality.

No matter what your actual exposure to such threats are, these stories have a way of invading our psychic space and making us all feel vulnerable (even as they may make us also feel angry). This can happen even if your life is a veritable advertisement for the idea of “safe space” – maybe you have a great relationship, plenty of stability, and a well-lighted entrance to your front door.

For the purposes of this column, I’m assuming that you’re not currently involved in a domestic violence situation, being stalked, or otherwise facing any of the traumatic situations outlined here.

From Ray Rice beating his fiancee in an elevator and avoiding consequences for months, to the hoax in response to Emma Watson’s speech at the UN, to feminists harassed and stalked by aggressive trolls online, to the Columbia student who is carrying a mattress around campus as a symbol of her sexual assault, to a teen girl’s brutal rape shared on Snapchat, to nude celebrity photo leaks — there is a long and growing list of awful threats to women’s bodies. In the same way that the media’s relentless focus on terrorism can make your heart rate go up when you descend into the subway, awareness of the dangers women face can subtly affect your otherwise healthy sexuality.

The lesson many have absorbed from the recent celebrity photo scandal is that women shouldn’t share naked photos even with their intimate partners — it’s straight-up slut-shaming. Of course, anyone with a brain knows that no woman is responsible for the hacker that stole her photos from the cloud, nor is she responsible for the ex who sold her photos to a magazine. This is the equivalent of telling women not to drink at frat parties, or not to wear tight clothes lest they invite unwanted attention. Rape culture insists that women are responsible for avoiding lecherous glances — not that men are responsible for their actions. This is the “boys will be boys” approach to creating safe space, and it’s utter BS.

Is there any part of you that buys into that? If yes, don’t be ashamed — it’s the basic narrative of Western culture, part and parcel of patriarchy — if you’ve never thought it to be true you’re a rare out-of-the-box radical. I didn’t get it until my twenties, when a few awesome women’s studies classes helped me begin to peel the Madonna-Whore complex off my skin, and kick it out of my bedroom.

Creating a collective safe space for women to embrace healthy sexuality is a work in progress, and there’s much to do before we can rest. But you can take control of the project of creating safe space in your own bedroom right now. I can’t promise to make you feel safe if you have to walk down a darkened street late at night, but I can suggest ways to feel safe and empowered in your body and in relationship to your sexuality. The reason the collective project is so complicated and long in coming is that male gaze is embedded into almost everything we are and everything we do. We’ve got to tease it apart, separate from it, and figure out who we are and what we want – not just that we want to be wanted.

So take a few moments to think about how much you’re affected by the pervasiveness of rape culture and toxic masculinity. Say you have a male partner who is a feminist and great in bed to boot — let’s just assume you’re that lucky. Despite his all around awesomeness, you’re partly reacting to his touch based on what you’ve learned about what it means to be a woman in this world.

Work on claiming your authentic desire by stripping away the layers of cultural dross about what you’re supposed to look and feel like. Of course, all sexuality is a dance between nature and nurture, and our early sexual experiences are imprinted on our brains, entwined with our hormones and sexual response cycle. But it doesn’t have to be rote — you can own the process whenever you’re ready to. It can be better,  safer, healthier and hotter — all at the same time.

This is all very subtle and not necessarily easy to wrap your brain around. Some readers are doing the #30DayOrgasmChallenge to better understand their sexuality and connect to their intimate partners at an ever deeper level. They’re challenging their ability to access ever deeper wells of pleasure. I believe that getting down to the brass tacks of your barest, deepest longings must first be done solo. This is perhaps the safest space of all.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie at ecosalon dot com, and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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Image: Ariadna Bruna

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We’ve all likely seen–or at the very least heard of–the video of Ray Rice, the indefinitely suspended professional football player, punching his then girlfriend, now fiancé, Janay Rice, in the face.

The video is incredibly upsetting for many reasons. First, we’re witnessing domestic abuse, which is terrible and inexcusable. Second, after the viewing the tape, the NFL decided to only suspend Rice for a few games. He punched a woman in the face and was given a less harsh punishment than players caught with marijuana.

Now, since the full video has been released to the press, the NFL has backtracked and suspended Rice indefinitely and the Ravens cut him from the team. While it’s all well and good that the NFL eventually gave Rice a more damning penalty, its original response was totally gross and proves that the organization could give a flip about women and their safety.

And since the tape has come out, it appears that more people than just the NFL are in the woman hating, victim blaming game. The news has been filled with people saying the following incredibly stupid things:

“Well, she shouldn’t have…”

“If you hit a man, expect to get hit.”

“What did she expect?”

“Why the hell did she stay?”

“She shouldn’t leave because of her family.”

Let’s just say this up front: It’s never the victim’s fault. Never. Case closed. And the whole, “why did she stay,” “she can’t leave,” discussions are often tainted by people’s uneducated thoughts and opinions. Enter the #WhyIStayed and the #WhyILeft hashtags. These hashtags are helping people explain to the public the deep reasons why some women decide to stay in an abuseive relationship, and why some women decide to go.

It’s never easy for a victim of domestic violence to leave an abusive relationship. Often times, women have no financial resources to start over. Also: If a woman leaves, and her abuser finds her, she could be in even more danger.

Luckily, this horrible video and some of the ugly discussions are sparking some intelligent conversations. Women are talking about why they stayed and why they left, and also are discussing why we – the public – can never, ever blame a woman who is beaten.

Resources

“How to Know You Hate Women,” Feministing

Related on EcoSalon

10 Infographics on Women and Health

Shade Grown Hollywood: Why Is Violence Against Women In Films So Popular?

Women on Film: Ike, Tina and The Realities of Domestic Violence

Image: Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade

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ColumnWhat political pundit and professional asshat George Will doesn’t understand about rape could fill a book, and if you want to avoid domestic violence, just get married!

It’s been a really special week for promoting rape culture, blaming victims and spewing misconceptions about domestic violence.

Before we dig into what happened, the takeaway is this: Women want to get raped (or at least say they were raped) because they like attention. If you don’t like attention, get married—because married women are never assaulted.

You Lucky Rape Victim, You!

George Will, a respected-by-some political commentator often seen on Sunday morning news shows, wrote this in the Washington Post: “In colleges, more rape victims are coming forward because victimhood has become, ‘a coveted status that confers privileges’.”

He is arguing that all of the “special treatment” people who have been raped receive is endangering a generation of nice young men who are just boys being boys. AmIRight, GW? Oh, and it’s Obama’s fault for “riding to the rescue of ‘sexual assault’ victims.”

(Quick note: While we mostly talk about women speaking out against male assailants, this isn’t always the case. Imagine how cool it would be to be male rape victim? I bet there are even more privileges.)

Back to George Will’s horrifying, hurtful comments. In his column, he goes on to do some super special math in an attempt to diminish the problem of sexual assault and rape on college campuses.

Sorry, but the cat is out of the bag here—this is a really, really massive cultural problem.

The fact that 20 percent of women on a college campus will be a victim of sexual assault is hard to prove, not because it is based on fiction, as Will would have you believe, but because despite the fact that more people are speaking out, victims are still scared to come forward. Sadly, the number is probably higher.

People fear they will be blamed. They fear they will not be believed. They fear they will lose friends. At times, because our culture is so fucked up, they fear it’s their fault.

Don’t Want to be Assaulted? Get Married!

Okay, I am about to blow your mind with my problem-solving skills. If you REALLY don’t want to get sexually assaulted (being the victim is like sooo 2013, yea?) here’s the plan: Skip college and get married really young—and don’t get a job because in 2011, 11,364 people filed formal complaints of sexual harassment at work, according to The American Association of University Women.

Following close on the heels of George Will’s terrible column, The Washington Post published a lovely little gem co-written by conservative think tank geniuses W. Bradford Wilcox and Robin Fretwell Wilson. They claim the best way for women to avoid being victims of rape and assault is to quit being such whores and get married.

I would like to pause and comment on the choice of stock art here. A couple walking on train tracks in a seemingly desolated “True Detective”-esque area captioned: “Marriage, the safer route.” Lord.

In this piece, written in response to the popularity of #YesAllWomen, the authors write: “This social media outpouring makes it clear that some men pose a real threat to the physical and psychic welfare of women and girls. But obscured in the public conversation about the violence against women is the fact that some other men are more likely to protect women, directly and indirectly, from the threat of male violence: married biological fathers.”

So, let me get this right: To be safe from being sexually assaulted, you need to be in a heterosexual relationship and have babies and be married to your babies’ biological father?

Let’s pretend, for a second, that we live in a world where that’s a scenario that we’re all interested in. If we were able to live that dream, would we be safe? I think you know I’m about to say no.

According to the U.S. Department of Justice’s Violence Against Women Survey:

• You are married straight woman, just like the article says: Do you have it made? Nope: More than 30 percent of women who married or lived with a man as part of a couple reported abuse at the hand of said husband or partner.
• Ah, but I’m a gay lady! Sorry. Eleven percent of women with female partners reported being raped, physically assaulted and/or stalked.
• Gay man? You’re not safe at home either. Fifteen percent of men who had lived with a man as a couple reported being raped, physically assaulted, and/or stalked.
• Finally, straight dudes. They’re always safe, right? No. More than 7 percent of men surveyed who had married or lived with a woman as a couple reported domestic violence.

And these numbers only reflect the number of people who responded, and who responded honestly.

What Does All of This Mean?

George Will and his cronies are not just ill-informed, they are liars, willfully spreading misinformation and saying incredibly hurtful, stupid shit.

This kind of media coverage validates the lie that the number of sexual assaults is exaggerated at best, fabricated at worst. It perpetuates the crazy notion that people who step forward and ask for justice after being raped are probably just trying to get attention and special treatment. It seeks to shut-up victims of domestic abuse by discrediting the very fact that such a thing is possible.

The good news is that people are pissed. The hashtag outrage is palpable (see #SurvivorPrivilege). But, to be honest, I am at a loss, and just feeling really angry. Angry at the people who wrote this crap, angry at the people who believe it and angry at The Washington Post for publishing it. I’m angry at people who rape and assault people. I’m angry at anyone who doubts victims who are brave enough to come forward and seek the justice and help they deserve.

What we’re dealing with is a cultural crisis that isn’t contained to college campuses or to one segment of the population. We are all at risk of sexual assault in the places where we should feel the most safe—on campus (a home away from home) and at home. Being raped or assaulted is never a privilege.

Related on EcoSalon

The Steubenville Rape

The Maryville Rape

Blurred Lines and Rape Culture

Slut Shaming is the Status Quo

Sexual Assault: Victims No More

Image: Wendy Nelson Photography. via Compfight cc

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What will it take to make people understand the horror of domestic violence?

In the current cultural wars, the assault on women’s rights is escalating. Republican candidate Rick Santorum wants to give states the right to make birth control illegal. Virginia’s Bob McDonnell wants mandatory vaginal ultrasounds for women seeking abortions. Singer Chris Brown continues to make a mockery of domestic violence victims, shouting a big “huzzah” when society tries to reprimand him for making girlfriend Rihanna’s face look like tenderized meat.

For Chris Brown, the message is clear – if you’re charming or talented enough, you can get away with whatever you want. He has unabashedly refused to NOT behave like a spoiled brat. Legions of fans continue to support him, like @shamoox18 who dreamily tweeted “Not gonna lie…I think I’d let Chris Brown beat me. #sosexy #lovehim #awkwardtweet #dontevencare.” Rihanna herself is now collaborating with Chris Brown. Twitter’s #teambreezy is on top.

So maybe it’s time we remind ourselves what domestic violence really looks like.

Laurence Fishburne and Angela Bassett give us a chilling depiction of domestic violence as Ike and Tina Turner in 1993’s What’s Love Got to Do with It? The film depicts the rise of Tina Turner, who went from small-town singer to star alongside husband Ike. She finally left their abusive marriage in 1976 after suffering a beating – depicted here – while in Dallas for a performance. After their 1977 divorce, Tina Turner walked away virtually penniless but retained the right to use her stage name. In the 1980s, Turner’s career launched into superstardom, shuttling the singer farther away from her abused past.

But just what was life like for Tina? Bassett described her performance as “a car going from zero to 60 in ten seconds.” As she wrote in her autobiography, Friends: A Love Story, while filming “you had to turn on a dime, from peaceful and serene, everything’s okay to – Pow! – getting the crap beat out of you. From calm to where you’re fighting, scared for your life.”

This is terrifying, until you remember that Bassett is merely describing acting in a scene. Important to note is that this life is a reality for the 4.8 million American women who are raped and battered each year. Are we a culture that celebrates punk cowards like Chris Brown and Team Breezy so easily? That places women’s health and lives above our own political beliefs?

The post Women on Film: Ike, Tina and The Realities of Domestic Violence appeared first on EcoSalon.

Author Katherine Butler imagines what Heather Morris’ diary entries would look like if she were the black-eyed starlet.

Tuesday
Dear Diary,
So tomorrow’s the big day, and I am soooo nervous. I mean, I’m shooting with Tyler Shields. Tyler Shields! You know, the guy who photographed Lindsay Lohan holding a gun to her head and had everyone freaking out? I mean, I’m sure Tyler didn’t mean for it to come off like she wants to kill herself. Even when she was all bloody and holding a knife in her bloody mouth. Right?

Isn’t that just art? And I’m not the only one who says so. ArtInfo tasked Tyler why he likes to depict young starlets in violent positions. They even asked him why rape and blood are reoccurring themes in his pictures. Gross, right? But he said he it’s all about perspective. He said “Maybe dominance is a better word than rape” and “I’m not into the idea of the raping of women, but I think it can be sexy. I think in a dominant situation, dominance can be sexy.” So, it’s totally cool. Rape isn’t cool, but it can be sexy because being dominating is sexy! So rape is sexy! Wait, no, that’s not what he meant. Was it?

Anyway, my agents think it’s a good idea to shoot with Tyler. La Agent even said my image needs some “edge.” I mean, Emma Roberts shot with Tyler and there wasn’t THAT much blood. It wasn’t even on her. And she’s Julia’s niece, Hollywood royalty, so you know it’s okay.

Wednesday
Dear Diary,
Oh. My. God. Today was the photo shoot with Ty and it’s was crazy. But like, crazy in the good way. I think. I mean, I can’t get this makeup off my face for anything. I think I need makeup to cover up my makeup – I read somewhere that greenish colors can hide bruises, does that count if the bruises are fake?

Here’s the haps, though. I didn’t end up holding a gun or bleeding externally or anything (yay!), but Tyler had this idea that I be a “bruised-up Barbie doll.” I don’t really know what that meant, but he was just so sweet, and then everyone was so friendly and asking me if I was comfortable or relaxed or thirsty. I was really thirsty – how did he know? – and they were so generous with the water. Why is water always so good when you’re thirsty?

Anyway, back to the shoot. I asked Tyler if he was going to make me all bloody, and he was like “No way, you’re so beautiful and pure. You’re like a Barbie doll. But Barbie’s plastic, and you’re this gorgeous, beautiful, vulnerable woman. You’re so real, baby doll. And you know what’s real? Bruises. Bruises that powerful women get while bound at the wrists with wire from household appliances. It totally makes sense, trust me. I’m an artist.”

I thought that sounded a little strange, but then the crew started joining in. CeeCee the makeup artist was like “Let’s just try a little plum makeup under your eye” and the next thing I knew, I had a black eye! It was so weird. I felt a little strange and thought of those pictures of Rihanna when Chris Brown beat her up. I asked Tyler about that, so he said we should do a pose where I’m attacking him with my iron. So I’m the one in control. And we were smiling all wacky. I look like I’m getting beaten up, but I’m having fun. So it’s a cool message to be sending.

La Agent just called and said she saw the shots and I look totally gorgeous. “It’s just what you need, sweetie, to get your name out there. The bloggers are going to go nuts. You’re so in!” I’m excited – bloggers can be kind of mean, but I made art and people are going to talk about it. What could go wrong?

Thursday
Dear Diary,
Oh my God, the pictures just went viral! Here they are. People are calling me the meanest names. They think we’re glorifying violence against women! Tyler called Ryan Seacreast or E News or something and said we weren’t. He told them what he told me, “We wanted to do a bruised-up Barbie shoot and that’s exactly what we did!”

I mean, I guess I can see why people are so upset. But we didn’t mean that way! I meant for people to talk about me, and Tyler meant for people to still think he’s super controversial and relevant.

Friday
Dear Diary,
Sighs. Someone even said we looked like we were making violence look enjoyable because I’m smiling in the shoot. Don’t they know I’m an actress? I have to smile! And plus, my eye’s not even bloodshot. If someone had really punched me, I bet I’d have a bloodshot eye. It’s totally not realistic that my eye would be so clear and blue. So isn’t it obvious it’s fake?

And sometimes women get black eyes when they’re like, being athletic. Maybe I had just been like boxing in my dress right before ironing? I’m totally sure that’s happened at some point. It’s really feminist if you think about it.

Some hyper woman from some women’s group sent me some statistics. So one out of four women has experienced domestic abuse in her lifetime. And nearly three out of four women know someone who has been abused. And on average, more than three women and one man are murdered by their partners every day in this country.

Okay, yeah, that’s a lot of people. Their point is that domestic violence is really serious and people don’t think that a pretty actress with clear eyes and good teeth should be smiling through it like it’s fun.

Saturday
Dear Diary,
Okay, so much better! TMZ just reported that Ty totally has things under control. After TMZ called our pictures “brutal” they then said Tyler will be auctioning off the photo of me with the black eye, starting at $100k, and will donate “every single cent he makes to a stop domestic violence charity.” That’s so sweet! I mean, I guess he could just donate the money himself and not like, auction it first. But someone’s going to buy it and like hang it up as art. Because doesn’t being against domestic violence mean you get to hang a picture of a battered woman in your home? Art can’t be considered wrong, because it’s art. So there.

Monday
Dear Diary,
Whew, what a ride. It’s a holiday weekend and I think the coast is clear. But you know what? I totally learned an important message. If you do something that’s going to offend people, you win. La Agent called and said hits are SO UP on my name and that everyone is talking about me. Just like we meant them too! Even people who are being mean to me are just feeding the machine. Maybe the United Nations will ask me to be an ambassador for goodwill or hope or something? What if George Clooney wants to star with me?  Hooray for Hollywood! Xoxox HM

Photos courtesy of Tyler Shields.

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