ColumnFood, friends and manual labor.

“We need to make another picnic table.”

When you live in an apartment building, it’s not really the bucolic setting of a country house with a beautiful backyard, but even a communal outdoor space that has a few garbage bins in the corner can be turned into an outdoor oasis for entertaining. Two summers ago my fellow apartment dweller Dave made a picnic table. It held up for about a season before sitting on it turned into an extreme sport, taking considerable grace when standing up and sitting down so as not to suddenly tip the entire thing over. Despite our best efforts to simply have it as the “serving table,” we quickly learned that if a picnic table graces your backyard, people will try to sit on it.

It needed a replacement.

Dave was good enough to get $20 worth of reclaimed lumber from the Rebuilding Center and construct a frame, so come Sunday all I had to do was hold a couple of boards in place and drill in all of the screws. I made a pair of jean shorts for the occasion. If you’re going to be making your own picnic table just a few hours before hosting your dinner party, it’s only appropriate.

This is no fancy picnic table. The thing isn’t even sanded, which makes the potential of splinters just part of the meal. But much like simple food can often taste better than its more complex version, a handmade picnic table becomes part of the experience, a reminder that using our hands to build something is a worthwhile activity that most don’t save time for.

We finished it with 45 minutes to spare and I went to invent an almond and fig tart concoction for dessert.

This summer we have in fact mastered our guide to entertaining:

1. Email friends that they should bring over a side dish and/or drink on a certain day and time.

2. Put a salmon/lobster/marinated meat/asparagus/corn on the grill.

3. Make a couple of side dishes and a moderately fancy dessert with seasonal berries.

4. Drink a glass of sparkling water and walk around the backyard of the apartment building barefoot while waiting for guests to show up.

This is no frills dining, where mason jars abound and good food somehow just appears. How else does one explain a spread that includes Marcona almonds, kale salad, corn on the cob with chili lime garlic butter and cotija, watermelon with lime and walnut salad, heirloom tomatoes with basil and a few slices of pecorina and spicy mango salsa?

I overheard someone say, “When Brones sends an email inviting you to a barbecue, you know you should say yes.” Although I’d like to take credit for throwing the kind of affairs that people want to attend, the central component is bringing together people that want to take time to celebrate good food, whether they make it themselves or not.

Sometimes we focus so much on what the food is – Is it organic? Is it local? Did you know the butcher? I am off dairy, is there milk in that? – that we get distracted from enjoying the full process. Making something with our hands, bringing it to share with a group of friends. These are basic things, and all things that no matter where you are on the foodie scale, you need. We need sustenance and we need community, which is why the two things seamlessly go hand in hand.

Backyard dinner parties are reminders of what is important in life: good food and friends. They don’t have to be complicated to be successful. They don’t have to require long shopping lists and days of preparation. You can simply be barefoot, bring a dish, and trust in the fact that sometimes serendipity is the best recipe for enjoying a late summer evening.

Watermelon Basil Salad with Lime and Walnuts

Ingredients:

• 1/2 of a large seedless watermelon cut into small cubes
• juice of 1 lime
• 1/4 cup chopped basil
• 1 cup toasted walnuts, chopped

Directions:

Mix all ingredients in a salad bowl and serve,

Editor’s note: This is the latest installment of Anna Brones’s weekly column at EcoSalon, Foodie Underground, discovering what’s new and different in the underground food movement, from supper clubs to mini markets to the culinary avant garde.

The post Foodie Underground: No One Picnics Alone appeared first on EcoSalon.

Tis the season for picknicking-whip up one of our team’s 10 must eat dishes.

With record high temperatures soaring around the world, there’s no better time to keep the cool outdoors—under a tree and on a grassy knoll. And, foodie or not, the principles behind ecopsychology say there’s no better way to reconnect and nurture relationships than out in the fresh air. Breaking bread together with brie (or sticky chocolate cake), makes the whole picnicking affair that much more meaningful.

So, grab a blanket and try one (or  all 10) of our favorite picnic recipes—a compilation of our team’s favorites and enough to make a complete menu.

Snacks & Appetizers:

• Fruits & Nuts
• Brie & Bread
• Picnic-side Guacamole

Main dishes:

• Quinoa Salad
• Smokey Jicama Salad with Kale and Corn
• Cold Soba Noodle Salad

Desserts:

• Sticky Chocolate Cake
• Nutella Donut Muffins
• Strawberry Shortcake

Drink:

• Honey Ginger Sparkling Lemonade with Rosemary

1. Fruits and nuts

For our shelter writer, K. Emily Bond—who sometimes seeks refuge under trees—fruits and nuts are a staple picnic snack. While it may sound sinfully simple, we know that sometimes it’s the simple things that make life so much sweeter. All it takes is 5-minutes in your kitchen, and you have a delicious medley of homemade trail mix. We love this “Not Your College Boyfriend’s Trail Mix” from our archives.

2. Brie & Bread

If you’re anything like Behind the Label columnist Jessica Marati, whose picnic mantra is “take knife, dip in Brie, slather on baguette,” you’ll love this grab & go solution. It’s literally that simple.

Directions:

• Pick up your favorite brie & local, freshly baked bread
• Grab a knife and voila, enjoy!

3. Picnic-side Guacamole

Crowd pleasers like me, (your Vegan This columnist and fashion writer) will agree, there’s nothing like fresh, made-on-site guacamole to get a picnic party started. My boyfriend and I love this dish because it’s so versatile (avocados are your canvas), so fresh (see everyone’s eyes light up as you whip this up before their eyes), healthy (packed full of heart- and skin- healthy fatty acids and vitamins) and easy to tote (just pre-chop your garnishes, grab a few avocados and a to-go container, and you’re out the door).

Ingredients:

• Ripe avocados (as many as you need depending on the number of people you’re serving—to be safe, plan on 1 avocado per person)
• 1/2 onion
• 1 handful cilantro leaves
• 1/2 red or yellow bell pepper
• 1/2 lime
• 1 teaspoon, or so, salt
• 1 bag organic tortilla chips or crackers of your choice

Other:

• To-go container
• Serrated knife

Note: Adjust the lime, salt and garnish amounts according to taste and the number of people you’re serving

Directions:

Pre-chop the onion, cilantro leaves and bell pepper. Put in a to-go container large enough to hold the finished guacamole (this will also serve as your mixing bowl). Squeeze the lime and sprinkle the salt over the veggies and mix together. When you arrive at your picnic spot, simply cut your avocados open, remove the seeds and scoop out the fruit. Add to your veggie, lime and salt mix and mash together until you’ve reached the desired consistency. Grab some chips or crackers and enjoy!

4. Quinoa Salad

Life, according to Foodie Underground columnist Anna Brones, is all the better when quinoa is involved. “Quinoa salads are my go to summer meals. They’re easy to make and easy to pack, which means that if you make a big batch one day you have leftovers for a few more. They’re also the perfect picnic item, light enough that they feel like summer food, dense enough that you’re full after eating them. As a base I tend to do a mixture of red and white quinoa, greens and some type of vinaigrette. Then you simply add in whatever you have laying around the kitchen. Nuts, vegetables, fruit… whatever you’re in the mood for. But the Summer Carrot and Date Quinoa Salad is one that I can’t live without, so if you’re in need of a recipe, start there.”

5. Smokey Jicama Salad with Kale and Corn 

One of our resident raw foodies and trendy fashion columnists, Johanna Björk, packs her picnics with a healthy punch.
“This cold salad is super easy to make, which makes it perfect for an impromptu summer picnic. It also doesn’t get soggy easily, which means it can keep for a while in that picnic basket, even if you didn’t bring a cooler. The jicama is fresh, somewhat sweet and crunchy, the kale is hearty and nutritious, the fresh herbs are so summery delicious, and the chipotle gives it a bit of a kick. It also just happens to go really well with a cold beer.”

Ingredients:

• 1/2-1 jicama (depending on how large it is), thinly sliced or grated
• 6 leaves kale, thinly sliced
• 1-2 cups corn (leave out if you want it to be 100% raw)
• 1 large handful mint leaves
, olive oil, 
hemp seeds
, chipotle chili powder
, sea salt

Directions:

Mix the jicama, kale, corn and mint leaves together. Drizzle with olive oil and sprinkle with sea salt and chipotle chili powder and mix well. Finish with a sprinkle of hemp seeds.

6. Cold Soba Noodle Salad

Fashion and food really go hand-in-hand, and Rowena Ritchie, our west coast fashion editor, proves it with this dish from none other than Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop.

“Goop’s cold soba noodle salad is my go-to pot luck recipe because it’s so easy to make. I generally have soba noodles, mirin, soy, and sesame oil in my cupboards, so I just have to grab some scallions and cilantro. My meat-eating friends seem to love it as a side, and if it’s the only vegan dish at the party, it makes for a full and nutritious meal for me! If you can get hold of Eden Shake’s Furikake, I highly recommend using it—it’s full of protein, vitamins A, B & C and calcium and it tastes great. And, I’ve always found the recipes on goop to be top knotch. Gwyneth Paltrow is known for both loving food and for being health conscious.”

7. Sticky Chocolate Cake

There’s nothing like a fika-style picnic to elevate the mood. Just take it from our Swedish chef and artist extraordinaire Johanna Kindvall. And, if you tend to picnic with a core group of friends, this sweet delight will never get old—change it up with a splash of rum, a dash of mint or even some licorice or cardamom.

Ingredients:

• 2 eggs (or one large duck egg)
• 1 cup brown sugar
• 4-6 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder (preferably Valrhona)
• 1 teaspoon salt (less if using salted butter)
• 1 cup freshly milled almonds (or almond flour)
• 4 oz butter
• mint leaves (optional)
• powdered sugar (optional)

Directions:

Whisk eggs and brown sugar together in a bowl. Stir in the milled almonds, cocoa powder and salt. Add the butter and stir until smooth. Pour the mixture into a greased 9” spring form.

Bake the cake in the oven at 350 F for about 15 minutes. The cake should just be set on top and sticky inside. Let the cake cool down. Decorate with some fresh mint leaves and/or powdered sugar. Serve it plain or with whipped heavy cream.

Note: if you want to spice up the cake I suggest the following flavors: rum, cognac, mint, licorice or cardamom. Just add the flavor to the batter before baking.

8. Nutella Donut Muffins

If you’re picnicking with sensitive foodies like me (think vegan, gluten-free, soy-free and more), then this delicious, easy to pack recipe is the perfect picnic companion. All you need is a re-usable container to carry these in, and you’re sweet-tooth ready.

For the donut muffins:

• 1 ¾ cup flour – follow the following gluten-free flour blend:
  • ¾ cup sorghum flour
  • ¼ cup sweet rice flour
  • 3/8 cup white rice flour
  • ¼ tapioca flour
  • 1/8 cup almond flour
• ½ teaspoon xanthan gum
• 1 ½ teaspoons baking powder
• ½ teaspoon salt
• ½ teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/3 cup oil (I used cold-pressed, extra virgin olive oil)
• ¾ cup sugar
• 1 egg substituted (I blended 1 tablespoon ground flax seeds with 3 tablespoons water)
•  ¾ cup non-dairy milk (I used almond milk)
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• Nutella (I made this homemade, vegan version)

For the coating:

• 3-4 tablespoons vegan butter (I used Earth Balance coconut spread)
• 1/3 cup granulated sugar
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350°F, and grease a muffin tray with vegan butter or coconut oil.

In a medium bowl, whisk together your gluten-free flour blend, and add in the baking powder, salt and cinnamon. In a large bowl, mix together the oil, sugar, egg-substitute and non-dairy milk. Add the dry ingredients and stir only until fully combined.

Follow these instructions to whip up your Nutella hazelnut spread.

Place 2 tablespoons of the muffin donut batter into your prepared muffin tins. Add 1 teaspoon of Nutella and cover with approximately 2 more tablespoons of batter until the muffin tins are ¾ full.
Bake for 18-22 minutes. (Mine were perfectly done after exactly 18 minutes).

Prepare your coating by melting your vegan butter in a small bowl. In a separate bowl, mix together your cinnamon and sugar.

While the muffins are still warm, shake them out of the pan on to a cooling rack.
Dip your muffin donuts into your melted vegan butter and then into your cinnamon sugar mixture.
Allow to cool for approximately 10 minutes. These are perfect when warm and still wonderful when cool (up to 3 days—especially if making these gluten free). Store in an airtight container at room temperature or in the refrigerator if storing longer.

Note: These would also be delicious filled with your favorite homemade jam, in lieu of the Nutella, or simply plain, filling-free.

9. Strawberry Shortcake

For an authentic taste of summer, strawberry shortcake embodies it all. Earlier this summer, I packed all the parts of this dish (biscuits, strawberries and cream) and assembled it on-site at a friends-of-EcoSalon picnic. I love this version, adapted from Martha Stewart, for its freshness and simplicity. Vegan, gluten-free or not, you’ll fall fast for this fresh delight.

Ingredients:

• 1 ¾ pounds (6 cups) strawberries—rinsed, hulled and quartered (For the fullest flavor, I recommend using local and fresh strawberries.)
• 1 ¼ cups + 2 tablespoons sugar
• 3 cups gluten free flour blend
  • 1 cup sorghum flour
  • 1 cup white rice flour
  • 1/2 cup garbanzo bean flour
  • 1/2 cup potato starch flour, minus 2 tablespoons
  • 2 tablespoons almond flour
• 4 teaspoons baking powder
• 3/4 teaspoon salt
• 12 tablespoons cold (1 ½ sticks) unsalted vegan butter, cut into small pieces (I used Earth Balance coconut butter)
• 2 cups coconut cream (I used So Delicious coconut creamer, blended with approximately 3 tablespoons of dissolved agar-agar to thicken)
• 2 egg substitutes (I blended 2 tablespoon ground flax seeds with 6 tablespoons warm water)
• ½ teaspoon vanilla extract

Directions:

Preheat oven to 375°F. In a medium bowl, toss the prepared strawberries with ¾ cup sugar. (I suggest starting with ½ cup and tasting to see if more sweetness is needed.) Let sit to bring out the juices.

In a food processor, pulse together your gluten free flour blend. Add the baking powder, ½ cup sugar and the salt, and pulse until combined. Add the cold butter, and pulse until the mixture resembles course meal with some pea size bits of butter remaining (pulse approximately 10-12 times).

In a medium bowl, whisk together ½ cream (before the agar agar has been added to thicken) and the egg substitute. Pour over the flour mixture, and pulse until some large clumps begin to form (pulse approximately 20-30 times).

Using a half-cup measuring cup, gently pack dough into the cup, invert and tap out on to a lightly buttered or parchment lined baking sheet. Repeat to form 6-8 biscuits.
Bake until golden brown, about 20 minutes. Transfer to a rack to cool for at least 15 minutes.
Beat the remaining 1 ½ cups cream, with the prepared agar-agar mixture, 2 tablespoons sugar and vanilla until smooth and creamy (Note, this will not form peaks like a traditional heavy whipping cream, however, I assure you the taste and texture will not leave you craving cream.)

Slice the biscuits horizontally with a serrated knife. Spoon the strawberries and their liquid over the bottom of each biscuit just before serving. Spoon your whipped cream over the strawberries, and top with the other biscuit half.

10. Honey Ginger Sparkling Lemonade with Rosemary

Amy DuFault, EcoSalon’s Editor-in-Chief says, “I am always the last one to leave the party because I won’t stop talking. This lemonade from our lovely Foodie Underground columnist Anna Brones is a sure cure for talker’s mouth. You can spend an entire picnic having good conversations and the ginger and honey make it so that your voice never breaks. Oh, and that you are of course refreshed. That’s important.”

Ingredients:

• 1 cup honey
• 1 cup water
• Juice of 7 Meyer lemons
• 1/2 cup minced ginger
• 6-10 full rosemary stalks
• 1.25 liter bottle of sparkling water
• Ice cubes
• Optional:
• Your liquor of choice. We recommend bourbon or vodka.

Directions:

To make simple syrup, place honey, water and two rosemary stalks in a saucepan and warm over medium heat while constantly stirring until honey is completely dissolved. Add in ginger. Leave on heat for a 2-3 more minutes, regularly stirring, to increase rosemary flavor. Let sit for 30-60 minutes to cool down. Note: for a stronger rosemary flavor, muddle the rosemary first and let the simple syrup sit for longer.

Strain simple syrup into a pitcher and add in lemon juice, top off with ice cubes and sparkling water.

Garnish with rosemary and serve in mason jars.

Images: Paul and Christa, Rich Anderson, Pink Mochi, Jennifer Barckley, Anna Brones, Johanna Bjork, Goop, Jennifer Barckley, Amy DuFault

The post EcoSalon Team Picks: 10 Picnic Foods to Impress Your Friends appeared first on EcoSalon.

Be conscious of your wishes.

Some precious people in my life are in extreme pain right now. Three friends are sorting through the natural disaster that breaking up brings on. And after a traumatic and poignantly one-in-a-million accident, one of my beloveds is literally patching together a new body and life. I cry with them in cafes and on the phone. I write letters I know they’re too weary to respond to. I think about them throughout every day. I ache, actively. Concerned.

But I do not worry for them. Can’t do it. Won’t do it. Refuse to. Not because I trust in a benevolent universe to carry them (which I do), and not because I’m disassociated (I’m anything but). I don’t let myself worry for them because I think it’s not only futile, but it’s obstructive. Worry only gets in the way of good intentions, energy, solutions. It’s toxic.

WORRY vs. CONCERN
Energetically, there is a critical difference.

worry: to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret.
concern: to relate to; be connected with; be of interest or importance to; affect.

Worry obstructs possibility. Concern is pro-active.
Worry weighs things down. Concern can rise to the occasion.
Worry is wistful. Concern is penetrating.
Worry tangles. Concern peels back the layers.
Worry gossips. Concern enrolls.

Worry is the conjoined twin of anxiety. Of course concern can be riddled with anxiety, but it’s strong enough to turn anxiety into a constructive force.

The darkest, gnawing side of worry is this: it’s an illusory form of control that we might cling to in order to feel important and goodly. Yep, “goodly”, not “Godly.” As in, I’m a good manager, friend, mother, citizen, leader…if I express my love, smarts, interest by…worrying.

HOW TO TRANSFORM YOUR WORRY FOR OTHERS INTO POSITIVITY…
SO YOU CAN TRULY BE OF SERVICE

Stand outside of the story.
Every fearful expectation has a big “story” behind it. The trauma, the drama, the pain, the plot. Worry feeds on the gruesome details. It replays the potential saga in your head. It validates all the reasons things could go wrong by drudging up the past again and again. Worry is cleverly building a case as to why you should worry (you’re a better person if you do, you’re “on top of the details” it’s the sympathetic thing to do, things have gone wrong so many times before, it’s only logical to…worry. And on it goes.)

Don’t let yourself be pulled onto the “set” of the unfolding drama. Stay behind the camera and go where you’re needed to shed light on things. Witnessing is an act of compassion. Whether it’s with force or a light touch, you get to call the shots on how you will show up in any difficult situation.

Keep a soft gaze.
No one needs your judgment about why they got themselves into something, or all of the things that could go wrong. Gently observe what’s going on, and stick to the facts. This is really tricky because facts can be relative. Medical test results are facts. So is someone’s immense inner strength. Choose the facts that keep you moving in a better direction. Friends in pain (and we all qualify as friends who are hurtin’) need love and optimism – critique and prognostication are big fat downers.

Let your heart be broken.
Life will devastate you if you get close enough to it. Get closer. In the cosmic fabric, your pain is mine is yours is mine… When we can share this unified space we know how to be of better service to one another – because we can better empathize.

Put a stake of devotion in the ground.
How far will you let your concern take you for a friend? (Limits are okay by the way, enlightened concern isn’t about martyrdom.) Are you willing to catch the next plane, withdraw your savings, find a lawyer, change bandages, mix herbs, listen tirelessly? Your devotion may shrink or expand as the situation unravels. But if you can declare how you intend to be truly helpful, then worry takes a backseat.

Send wishes.
This is the single most effectual way to diffuse worry and move into positivity. Worry will crop up. Don’t let it stagnate. Cleanse your worry with precise wishes.

I’m worried that he’ll stay lonely. I wish him sweet love.
I’m worried the meds won’t work. I wish her quantum healing.
I’m worried she’ll do something drastic. I wish her equilibrium.
I’m worried he’ll sink into depression. I wish him lightness.
I’m worried this will takes years. I wish for swift grace.

While you’re at it, you could do one gorgeous global wish: I wish for the end of suffering and happiness of all beings. That about covers it.

Send wishes. And more wishes. The wishes will nest in your psyche and begin to inform your concern, your words, your actions. When you’re not preoccupied with worrying, you’re free to serve, in so many ways.

Editor’s Note: Danielle LaPorte is the author of  The Fire Starter Sessions: A Soulful + Practical Guide for Creating Success on Your Own Terms. An inspirational speaker, former think tank exec, and business strategist, she is the co-author of  Your Big Beautiful Book Plan. Find Danielle on Facebook+ Twitter @daniellelaporte + at her digital temple: DanielleLaPorte.com

Image: Lifesupercharger

The post Refuse to Worry (And How to be More Useful for Your Friends) appeared first on EcoSalon.

Separate your real friends from your frenemies.

Your friends are your support system, your partners-in-crime. They’ll laugh over stupid reality shows with you, protect you from creepsters at the bar, bring you soup when you’re sick and tell you the truth when you need to hear it. They’re like family, except you can control who they are. So exercise that right. If your friends don’t give you that warm and fuzzy feeling, maybe you aren’t surrounding yourself with the right people.

Everything is a competition.  No matter what you say, your friend feels the need to one-up you. Mention that you had a bad day, and she’ll say, “Mine was even worse!” Tell a funny story and her response is, “Oh, but wait until you hear this!” She always has to have the more expensive shoes, the bigger diamond ring and the cuter boyfriend, but if you mention that you don’t care about those things, she’ll have an anecdote about how she cares even less. Some people are innately competitive, and that can be a positive thing, but there’s a big difference between showing off Scrabble skills and constantly belittling your accomplishments.

You’re only friends out of nostalgia. You lead totally different lives, you find very little to talk about when you’re together and you disagree on most of the big issues. But, you think, we’ve known each other forever! If you met today, you probably wouldn’t be friends at all, but you like being able to say that you’ve been BFFs for decades. On its own, this may not be a good reason to dump a friend, but it’s definitely a reason to downgrade her status in your life. You might want to focus your attention on friends that you can really click with instead.

They talk, but don’t listen. Everyone has experienced this at least once: sitting silent for thirty minutes or more while a clueless friend yaps on and on, never letting you get a word in edgewise. We all have our chatty moods, and sometimes, your friends really do just need you to sit there and listen while they vent. That’s cool, but when it happens on a daily basis, it can start to wear on your patience. If your friend asks how you’ve been doing and then immediately cuts you off with a story of her own, she’s probably got chronic self-absorption syndrome.

They ask for lots of favors, but never give back. Just like the friend who can’t shut up about herself, the flaky favor-asker seems to think her time is worth a lot more than yours. You’re the one who has to pick up the pizza, act as designated driver, help her move across town and pick her up from the airport. She calls you when her washing machine breaks or she needs to bake a cake for an office party, “because you’re better at this stuff than I am.” But when the tables are turned, your friend is AWOL. Don’t be a doormat.

They can’t keep secrets. You confided to a friend about something very personal, with the understanding that she wouldn’t tell anyone else. But she just can’t seem to keep things to herself, no matter how touchy the subject may be, and soon you’ve got mutual friends expressing their condolences, offering advice or just giving you knowing looks. Whatever her reason for gossiping, betraying your trust isn’t cool. You should be able to count on your friends not to broadcast your business.

In your time of need, they’re nowhere to be found. It happened – that big emergency that you hoped would never come up. This moment, whether it’s an accident, your house burning down, a death in the family or the breakdown of your relationship, is when you need the support of your friends the most. Instead of being there to help you get back on your feet, she’s giving you excuses about how busy she is. This might just be the ultimate friendship test.

When you talk to them about it, they’re not contrite. Okay, so you’ve decided you’re going to confront your friend directly about the issues that have been bothering you. You think, maybe she just doesn’t realize how she’s been acting, and she’ll stop. But instead of apologizing or saying she’ll try to do better, she offers up denials or rationalizes her behavior. She’s not willing to work on the friendship, so it must not mean much to her.

You have to psyche yourself up to see them. Maybe you avoid answering her calls because you have to be in a particular kind of mood to deal with her. Maybe you put off hanging out because you realize that every time you see her, you come home feeling like shit. Listen to yourself. These are not-so-subtle clues that this relationship isn’t doing anything for you.

You can’t just be yourself. When you’re around this particular person or group of friends, you feel like you have to do certain things or act a certain way to fit in. You might find yourself wearing clothes that you wouldn’t wear otherwise. You might even feel a need to self-censor, because you know they look down on some of your views or interests.  Maybe they even bully you a little bit. You shouldn’t have to try this hard.

You don’t like who you are around them. If you’re trying so hard to make your friendships work that you’re changing who you are to please them, and finding yourself more than a little disgusted with your own behavior, stop it right now. You should never compromise who you are to please other people, especially if those people actually kind of suck. There are plenty of potential friends out there who will love you for exactly who you are.

ALSO CHECK OUT:

10 Signs It’s Time To Leave Your Town

10 Signs It’s Time To Leave Your Relationship

10 Signs It’s Time To Leave Your Job

Photos:  dovima_is_devine_II, ohai_spackwood, whatmegsaid

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It’s time to talk about physician-assisted suicide as a conscious choice.

We’re used to talking about choice. The choice to have a child, eat meat, recycle, marry. As responsible, conscious people we make decisions every day. But when it comes to end of life choices, as a society we’re a bit behind.

Jack Kevorkian’s recent death brought back a flood of memories for me. He was my grandmother’s hero. While she was admittedly—and quite proudly—a touch twisted, I happen to agree with her and Jack: We should have a choice when it comes to end of life decisions. Growing up with her in my life, it was impossible not to see suicide as an option. Our first conversation about this took place when I was four. She explained to me that it would be up to her, that made sense to me then and it makes sense to me today.

In my early twenties, well before I met and married my husband, I made my own plans for when I get old. They involve: assisted living, water aerobics and my best friend of 30+ years, Bevin. We have since opened the circle, inviting our men, our hairdresser and other friends to join us. We have scoped out a facility—we haven’t gone so far as a tour, which I assume would raise some eyebrows—it’s close to the lake, a movie theater, Walgreens and a grocery store. These are the things we assume will be important.

Bevin and I took ballet together. We learned to swim together. We take yoga together. We were married in a Jewish ceremony at a square dance—and while I stepped on a PBR tallboy at the end, the state of Illinois doesn’t recognize our union. The idea that if our spouses die before us—or better yet, they don’t—I may be lucky enough to spend my old lady years with her and members of my circle of people is comforting.

The stats on women outliving men support the idea that when the shit comes down, many of us might be relying on female friends as we age. It’s not pleasant to think about, but if you consider the popularity of The Golden Girls and articles like Jezebel’s recent “Are Friends the New Husbands?” it’s clear that women out there are thinking about aging differently than earlier generations, which, I think, means it’s a great time to talk about assisted suicide as a real, legal option.

More than just the specifics of the Old People Dorm Plan, the idea that I will have a say in my own fate is, at the core, what is appealing.

Suicide, assisted or otherwise, is a hard sell. I’m in no way saying it should be mandatory, based on one’s ability to afford care or based on anything other than personal choice. It’s about asking the big questions: How much pain can I endure? How much of myself, or my freedom, can I stand to lose? Has my life been fulfilling? Does the good outweigh the bad? What does my God say about suicide?

For many people, religion might be the deciding factor. And that’s fine. I’m not saying that anyone should break from a religion that has filled their lives with tradition, comfort and joy.

End of life decision-making should be intense and it should be personal. But it should be a decision.

Author Libby Lowe’s grandmother in the prime of youth

In the U.S., Oregon is the only state where assisted suicide is not a crime. The Death With Dignity Act, passed in 1997, allows terminally-ill adult Oregonians to obtain and use prescriptions from their physicians for self-administered, lethal doses of medications. Meaning, the assistance is defined as the ability to write a prescription. How and when to use the medication is up to the individual. In 2010, 65 people—of the nearly four million residents in the state—chose to end their lives.

In the rest of this country we have DNR orders (do not resuscitate) and hospice care for those deemed terminally ill, but we have no legal, dignified way to choose to die. Well ahead of his time, Jack Kevorkian fought to change that. His work on death and dying started back in the 1950s when he presented a paper suggesting that death row prisoners have the right to choose to die by anesthesia so that their organs could be harvested to save lives. It didn’t go anywhere in the 50s, or in the late 80s when he revisited the idea. I still don’t get why.

In 1987 Kevorkian studied in Netherlands, focusing on how Dutch physicians assisted in the suicides of terminally ill patients without interference from the legal authorities. During the 1990s, he assisted in about 130 suicides, ultimately spending eight years in jail. He was released in 2007 and died earlier this month in a hospital.

The progress he made is, in tangible terms, small. But the conversations he started are essential to our country becoming a place where conscious living extends to become conscious dying.

My end of life plan is, in theory, fairly sunny: Me and Bevin and our husbands walking to Walgreens and taking in a movie before going back to the home for 4pm dinner. I realize I may not be that lucky, or that even if I am, I may end up very sick and alone at the end. I can’t say for sure that I would choose assisted suicide if I had the option, but I know I would want the choice to talk honestly with my doctor and my loved ones and then make an informed decision.

The choice to end her own life with dignity is a luxury my own grandmother didn’t have, but it’s one I feel is fundamental to creating a conscious, kind society.

Top image of author Libby Lowe with her grandmother

Update: Libby Lowe (@LibbyLowe) is sharing this post as part of XX in Health Week 2013, a celebration of gender diversity in health leadership.

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ColumnWe don’t need our friends to teach us composting, we need them to have our back.

In a recent article for the Huffington Post, eco-activist Laurie David wrote earnestly (maybe a little too earnestly) about what she wants from her girlfriends. Her words were heartfelt and lofty (and maybe a tiny bit sanctimonious) as she wrote about needing female friends who “feed her soul” and how the basis of her adult friendships was teaching her friends and learning from them. One friendship, she wrote, was based on the fact that her girlfriend taught her how to make pad thai, while David introduced this woman to the “joys of composting.”

I admire Laurie David for her tireless work on behalf of the environment; moreover, she and I have a lot in common: we are both in our 50s, we both married men with curmudgeonly tendencies, and we are both desperately trying to get away with the same hairdo we had in high school.

But if Laurie David wants to be my buddy, she had better bring something to the table besides teaching me to compost. Because instructing me on how to keep a tub of rotting garbage next to my sink – a festering little pot of decay, complete with flies and worms and a vaguely vomit-y aroma – is not going to make her my BFF. My antipathy towards indoor composting is not the only reason I object to David’s blog post – her belief that friendships between women are founded on mutual teaching is just not something I can relate to.

Frankly, if I want to learn something I will take a course or read a book. (Who am I kidding? I’ll probably just Google it.) What I want from my friends has little to do with growth or empowerment, and it is not dependent on a sharing of skill sets.

From my friends I simply want love and support and unconditional acceptance. I want the knowledge that my girls have my back, and that they will, unquestionably, be on my side – whether I’m quarreling with my husband, the mob or the IRS. My friends don’t need me to teach them about Sudoku or fair labor practices – they just need me to show up with baked ziti when they’ve had a bad biopsy, or hand them tissues when they’re in the middle of a major life crisis. The friends who mean the most to me are the ones who cleaned my kitchen after my mother died, and drove me to the hospital when I had a bleeding child whimpering in my lap. They are the ones who have come – cheerfully and without much coercion – to my son’s soccer games and my daughter’s theater performances.

It’s not that I lack intellectual curiosity, well, not completely anyway, but to me, friends are not teachers or students – they are companions and playmates, fellow travelers and lifesavers. They are there to laugh with and commiserate with, for road trips and conversation, to hold my hand in an emergency and to come with me to museum exhibits that my husband wants no part of. A good friend does not have to teach me a blessed thing – she just has to come pick me up when my car dies on the interstate.

In the unlikely event that I ever decide to compost, I will learn whatever I need to know online. And then I will call a friend and hope to God she talks me out of it.

Susan Goldberg is a slightly lapsed treehugger. Although known to overuse paper products, she has the best of intentions – and a really small SUV. Catch her column, The Goldberg Variations, each week here at EcoSalon.

Image: El Groo

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ColumnDefining friendship online.

“We need a new word for friend.”

This, from a web-savvy colleague who is one of the seventeen remaining people on the planet not to be grasped by the far-reaching fingers of the Facebook people garden, after I mentioned a study finding people have twice as many friends online as they do in real life.

Ask your friends about this. Everyone’s got an opinion. A friend (former neighbor, best) recently told me, “Thanks to Facebook I am now overwhelmed by people I would never consider my friends. I don’t really care what you’ve been up to since high school. ‘I knew you when’ does not mean I want to know you again!” One friend (related, possibly parental) has not checked her wall in five months and 29 days but complains that I forgot her birthday. Another friend (new, friend of friend), explained over IRL margaritas that he likes Facebook because it helps his family keep up on his globe-trotting. And another friend (acquaintance, professional), finds the whole thing to be a preening popularity contest, the equivalent of the high school cafeteria we’d all like to forget…back in action and armed with a cache. Still another friend (actual, close), refers to Facebook as Faceplant.

Facebook brings people together in ways that would never happen offline except at extremely ambitious weddings. Take today’s wall post I made about the Nakation pitch I was reading. (That’s nudist vacationing: the latest way spare yourself the hassles of checking luggage, Sincerely, The American Association of Nude Recreation, and Did We Mention Over 250 Member Locations.)

And what of Nakation? A sustainable designer, my best friend from college, a friend of a former boyfriend, a college friend I used to take road trips with and a social media power user friend I’ve never met all “like” my status. I’m a little disappointed that my mother or maybe a high school teacher isn’t in the mix but it’s still only lunchtime.

If Facebook can bring together, as it has on my own wall, a creationist stay-at-home mom, a (still? really?) Republican, a self-professed raging commie and an EcoSalon staff member without World War Wall breaking out, maybe we should give this thing a little credit. Facebook: lousy on privacy, great with that world peace thing, and never mind what the Assange guy says. In a culture where communication breakdown is the glaring rule, could Facebook be the exception?

You know what they say about friends: the more, the merrier! In the era of Facebook, it’s one big happy friendship.

Of course, detente does not come without its diplomatic roils. The obnoxious acquaintance you are obligated to be online friends with because you both work in social media, oops did I write that. The ex you stay friends with so you can stalk them. The ex you stay friends with because you barely can be bothered to remember them. That random guy with no online footprint you have no idea how you know but he is your friend and moreover, he really likes your Pandora shares which is cool. He also likes your shares about the weekend with the girls which is less cool. The friend who likes absolutely everything and is apparently preparing for a career in spam. The friend who is always getting hacked. (Note to self: suggest that they become friends). The still-capitalizes-Internet friend who has forgotten you have an email address and then gets mad when you don’t show up to events you didn’t know about. The Digg friend you just tweet, anyway.

Person I (Might) Know doesn’t have much of a ring, and Comrade? Too soon, at least for the red states. Differing degrees of “friendship,” and no elegant way to identify an acquaintance, colleague, family, love interest, partner, friend or Friend Forever.

These aren’t friends, these are friends with benefits. They make us look popular, interesting, established. They make us feel less lonely and more distributed. They make themselves a networking smorgasbord for later sampling. They make us pass the time. They make the past the times.

And, online friends help those who are isolated, such as the chronically ill or just the really busy, to remain connected. Contrary to popular wisdom, I believe having a wide range of online friends has an eventual authenticating effect, paring the personal PR campaigns from our lives for all but the most insecure. And online friends drive optimism, as many users believe the next great relationship or job could be a friendship confirmation away, which is a pretty good belief to have because it’s increasingly true.

Who’s not to Like?

This is the latest installment in your editor’s column, The Insider’s Guide to Life, exploring topics such as media, culture, sex, politics, and anything else. Cheers and spellcheck!

Image: Johan Larsson

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Girlfriends, gal pals, best buds, besties, and forever friends – many of us have them. But what does it mean to have a lifelong friend? Is it a person who will listen for hours as you mutually discuss the ins and out of hair color/bad reality TV/do these shoes make me look leggy? Or is it the person who remembers you were jealous because she turned 13 a month before you did? How do you know when an acquaintance of a few months will be a forever friend?

For me, it’s about checking out the guest list for this big party I’m throwing because my boyfriend and I are planning on hanging around each other for the rest of our lives. (Yes, a wedding. I’m not very bridey.) It reads like “this is your chicken or fish for dinner life.” There’s the best friend I walked around the playground with in second grade. Then there’s the best friend who helped me throw a Christmas tree out a window in college. It was our stolen Christmas tree, we were repossessing it. The window was our faster option.

There’s the bestie I met in the elevator at graduate school the first day of class. There’s the one who discovered alongside me the dangers of drinking this new-fangled Red Bull drink. And there’s the one whose babies I bounce around, trying not to eat them because they are the cutest creatures on the planet.

Point is, they can’t all be best friends, right? Somehow, they all feel like they are. Forever friends can be a big part or our lives. Glenn Sparks is a professor at Purdue University who has studied lifelong friends. Making friends is like managing a bank account. You must make investments, and it is never too early to start.”

Here are a few signs that you’ve got a forever friend on your hands.

1. You keep a constant mental list going of life events that must be discussed for opinion. Go to eat a bowl of cereal and find that it’s crawling with ants? Relatives stressing you out about holidays? Work associate dangerously close to getting pushed out a first-story window? These are all thing that must be reported via phone, over tea, or in front of French fries.

2. You can send an email or text in code and she will know exactly what you are talking about. “Lost Prague-trip friend’s nail polish, feel like Jeff-ing a cupcake-izer.” Somewhere, a woman knows exactly what this means.

3. After an important weekend event, you will schedule time on Monday for the necessary time to rehash it.

4. When you and your best friend start riffing on a subject, dogs will run from the room. High pitched screams of laughter are not friendly to canine’s ears. (This is also true of most significant others.)

5. If you fight, you don’t hold a grudge. I know, controversial, because all relationships have their ups and downs. But how can you forever hate the person who picked you up from the junk yard after you totaled your Previa? You just can’t.

6. You might disagree politically, religiously, or Twilight-y (as in one lust for Edward, the other doesn’t get the appeal at all. Like, AT ALL). But it doesn’t matter. You’re still friends.

7. You can repeat the same stories to each other over and over again. It’s kind of like watching a rerun – sure, you know the plot, but you’re happy to pick up something new every time.

8. You defend your best friend from herself, and you do it because you can’t bear to hear anything bad said about her. A friend worried because she’s not losing the pregnancy weight? It’s because she just gave life to another human being for God’s sake. Only tabloid stars lose all the baby weight and that’s because it was plastic surgeries that took over their bodies seconds after their child was born. You’re beautiful and don’t you dare say otherwise! (And repeat because it’s true.)

9. You get a call in the middle of the night with sobs on the other end, and you sit up until dawn if that’s what it takes.

10. You both maintain that PMS is a post-feminist myth made up by a right-winged agenda designed to keep women out of the Oval Office. And yet, you both know and totally get it when you are.

Image: The Dana Files

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