ColumnFour Northern European men offer insight into their culture’s subtle approach to love and loyalty.

Stereotypes, however coarse and insensitive, can nonetheless serve as useful indicators about a culture’s biases and predilections. For instance, it’s not exactly going out on a limb to generalize that Mediterranean men are exhibitionists of desire and will gladly remind you that you’re a woman by employing whatever means necessary, be it ogling, cat-calling, or even grabbing the parts they like best. Hot-blooded sensuality isn’t necessarily a rule, but it’s certainly not uncommon.

Nordic men, hulking and gorgeous in that Hugo Boss runway-model sort of way, demonstrate their interest with an alternatively cool approach. As an American living in Germany’s northerly capital, I find the native manner respectful to the point of exasperation. A Parisian woman on holiday here in Berlin perfectly summarized my sentiment: “These German men – merde – they pay you no attention. It’s as if you are invisible, and it corrodes your confidence. Back home, they do not behave in this pitiful way.”

My perspective isn’t as passionate as my friend’s. Instead of taking it personally, I’m compelled to learn more about the sociology and psychology of their cool character. (Lucky for me, it’s my professional obligation to ruminate on the ways of attractive men.) This week, I decided to examine more closely the social norms that govern romance in these cold climes. Along with a Berlin-based photojournalist, I embarked upon a search for thoughtful-looking guys to engage in conversation about love and relationships. With that, in this week’s Sex by Numbers, we feature four hot men from fairly cold climes.

Tomas, Banker (Currently single)

“German men are much shyer than in Southern countries. When I lived in France, the men were aggressive, direct, and always flirting. My impression is that German men are not very gifted with flirting! Honestly, I think it comes from not having enough sun to warm our hearts. In the summer, we are a very different people – open and inviting.

I am interested in meeting and being with a long-term partner, but I have extraordinarily high measures. It is seldom that you find the combination of a cute, intelligent, warm-hearted, and sometimes wild woman who exhibits an – I don’t know if this sounds right – but a woman who exhibits a magic way of being. I am uninterested in a relationship just for the sake of having a partner. I need a lot, and certain conditions must be met. I don’t want to give up my liberty and joy until I meet a woman about whom I have no question.

Until then, and this is advice I would offer other single men, I am happy to exercise my own mind, find happiness with myself, and pursue athletics. Men need to be relaxed with women. I think it’s important to go out and have sexual experiences, and not just wait for the right one. A lack of intimacy will make you uptight, and women can sense this. They can sense – even if they’re not consciously aware of it – when a man doesn’t have a balanced sexual life. It’s important to not give this up.”

Steffen, Architect (Currently in a one-year relationship)

“With her, there was no decision day. It was right immediately – a good field of energy and lots of smiling. We met at a party, and I called her the very next day; I was romantic from the very beginning and hope to continue being this way for a long time. German men show romantic inclinations with letter writing or advertising our affection with small gifts. We are the opposite of Mediterranean men. We are less on the surface, instead working more deeply and with more loyalty. We are fools, but we filter our fool through our mind. It probably seems less direct, but in the north there is simply greater distance between people in all things.

For me, marriage is still relevant, even in modern times – mostly for tax purposes. I joke, but I sincerely believe that making this decision is meaningful. It’s the decision that matters. And that decision, that choice isn’t old-fashioned. Love is the most important thing – it means that I see another as more important than myself.”

Francesco, Folk Musician (Currently in a ten-year relationship)

“A decade ago, I moved to Berlin to be with a woman, and here we’ve remained. Berlin is an anonymous city. We are a ‘cool’ people. Men might see women, but they are not invasive. Perhaps there is a downside to this, also, in that it appears there is less caring. In Northern Europe, loyalty is most important, but in terms of love and sexuality, it’s the same the world over. Different people simply have different cultural codes. We Germans don’t show it all at once, taking even four or five dates to express it.

Our behavior and approach reflect our women. Nordic woman are more emancipated in relationships. Family structures are open here, and women have more freedom to concentrate on themselves, freedom from closed traditions and structures. In the South, behavior is often more fixed: The man initiates, he is active. In the North, the woman is active, and she initiates too; our cultural norms are not so strict.

I think it’s ok to be alone, as well. Some people need relationships, and that’s incredibly unhealthy. It is just too easy to possess another, and we forget to seek and offer space to our partners. In this sense, it is useful and positive to be alone – to not idolize a woman or an ex-girlfriend. It isn’t possible to find a partner unless you’ve solved your past.”

Nicolas, Mathemetician (Currently in a five-year relationship)

“I appreciate so much my relationship with my girlfriend. We provide one another with an enrichment of the mind, always sharing ideas and opinions. I am grateful for and value her intelligence very much. For instance, if we’re discussing the news, she often points out underlying reasons or subtexts I might not otherwise see. She understands mechanisms that for me, aren’t obvious.

A healthy relationship requires mutual reflection, stimulating feedback, and even criticism of the other’s ideas. It’s also important to engage one another’s sense of imagination, to be open to play. In the end, this childlike aspect is just as meaningful as the other stuff. My girlfriend and I are honest with one another, sometimes to the point that we aren’t always kind. But we are honest so we can address what we need to work on. She and I have so much freedom and independence, and we share a life without jealousy. She is strong and competent, and I work hard to return this to her, as well.”

Sex By Numbers is an ongoing look into the emotional and sexual lives of the modern day woman. Follow Abigail Wick weekly here for insight and inspiration as she explores the “sex” of women and the terrain they must travel.

Images: Roland Anton Laub

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