If you’re over the age of 30, you’re going to get tested for an HPV  infection during your annual exam; and if you’ve had sex, you’re more than likely going to have this incredibly common, not-a-big-deal virus.

Right before I turned 31, I found out that I had an HPV infection. Back then, I had a lot of hangups about all things sexual, so, I totally freaked out. I assumed I was going to die of cancer, felt like a “dirty slut whore” — my actual words to my mother — and, in general, lost sleep for about a year.

My reaction was incredibly illogical because little did I know, I’d be living with the virus — like it or not — for the better part of three years.

While I admit I totally overreacted to my incredibly common diagnosis, I get why I did. In the past, I had dated men who had ridiculed past girlfriends for having the virus. I also was woefully undereducated about how the virus was transmitted. Sure, I always used condoms, but much like Lena Dunham’s character on “Girls,” I wasn’t totally clear on what viruses a person could contract while using a condom… Yeah, HPV is one of those viruses.

In addition to my personal hangups about sex, etc., I also was under the care of a doctor who was incredibly unprofessional — we’re talking me, smack-dab-in-the-middle-of-a-PTSD-flashback-with-my-feet-in-the-stirrups-while-she-ridicules-me-for-crying-during-a-colposcopy unprofessional.

Yeah, I was working against a lot when I got diagnosed. However, during the time I was “infected” with the virus, I did a lot of soul-searching and learned a lot about sexual health.

For example, if it wasn’t for this incredibly common diagnosis, I wouldn’t now know the following things:

1. You can, in fact, have a gynecologist who doesn’t belittle you while examining your bits. Since my horrible ordeal in that Kansas medical office, I’ve been to two other gynos who were the definition of professional and awesome. The first doctor treated my incredibly low-stage pre-cancer cells that were caused by HPV via a laser procedure. This doctor treated the virus like it was NBD, and actually listened when I said “take heed before you enter my vagina — I’m a sexual assault survivor.” Because of that, I got the best relatively pain-free care I’d ever received in my life.

The second doctor, my current gyro, is just as awesome. Her office is full of professional staff who laugh off STIs and preach to get tested and treated and forget about it — it’s a total no-judgement zone.

2. You can date people who don’t care about your diagnosis. Since receiving the news, I’ve told all my partners about my diagnosis. Now, this isn’t recommended because everyone most likely has HPV and the spread of it is incredibly difficult to prevent, but I’m the kind of person who shares everything — obviously — and I didn’t feel right about not talking about my diagnosis. And no matter what the dude you’re dating says: Men can get HPV and transmit the virus. There’s just not a test that men can take to identify the virus. Tell your man to take charge of his health by going to the doctor and dentist regularly, and checking for any bumps, lesions, etc. on his genitals, mouth, etc.

3. Some forms of HPV are invisible, so, unless you have the kind that causes warts or lesions, you may not know you have it. I had the kind that was invisible, so, I never would have known I had it. This is why regular gyno visits are so important.

4. You can get over the virus. This November, I found out that I’m now HPV-free. Most healthy people can get rid of this pesky virus after a year or so. Now, there’s no guarantee the virus won’t come back — HPV is a dick like that — but if it does show its ugly face again, I can get treatment for it and subsequently kick this virus’ ass.

So, don’t sweat it if you do ever get an HPV infection — it really isn’t a big deal. Just make sure you go to your gyro on the regular, stay up-to-date on current HPV prevention guidelines — and get vaccinated if you can — and don’t fear this stupid virus that is, basically, the common cold of STIs.

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Image of a doctor via Shutterstock

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Should the HPV test replace the Pap smear? Some medical professionals think it should.

I, however, am just a woman with a vagina and a cervix, and I think these medical professionals are totally wrong.

The HPV test specifically screens for human papilloma virus, a virus that causes most cases of cervical cancer. The Pap smear, a widely-used test that screens for abnormal cells, doesn’t specifically screen for HPV, though. Because the Pap smear doesn’t screen for HPV, two medical groups are saying that “could replace the Pap smear with a different test to screen many women for cervical cancer.”

Here are the reasons some medical groups are supporting the primary use of the HPV test:

– Pap smears could miss some cancer and pre-cancer in women.
– The HPV test exceeds the Pap smear when used to find cancer.

However, not every woman who gets HPV will get cancer. HPV is an incredibly common virus that most people will get if they are sexually active. So, screening for HPV could potentially put many women through sometimes painful and costly tests that are basically not needed:

“In many cases, an infection with the virus is just temporary; it quickly disappears without causing any problems. If lots of women start getting tested for HPV,” Diana Zuckerman, the head of the National Center for Health Research, says, “many women will end up getting expensive, painful and possibly harmful follow-up tests they never really needed.”

Zuckerman thinks this test would confuse patients and physicians, and cause patients a lot of un-needed stress. Also: HPV isn’t the only cause of cervical cancer. Some women who develop cervical cancer don’t have the virus.

Now, I’m obviously not a physician (I’m just a writer), but I agree with Zuckerman. I’ve known women who had cervical cancer scares and didn’t have HPV. I’ve also known plenty of women who have had HPV and have never got cancer. To me, it makes sense to continue using both tests.

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Image: Ed Uthman

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On the HBO show Girls, HPV went viral, but is there really less stigma about STDs?

In 2005, I learned I had HPV. The overwhelming emotion I felt was relief. I was relieved it wasn’t the warty kind that shows – it was the asymptomatic kind that turns into cervical cancer if you don’t catch it. And mine was bad enough that I had to have a cone biopsy and then part of my cervix scraped off in a LEEP procedure. Yet, with legs in stirrups and a needle in the vagina, I was still relieved not to have any physical evidence. Sick, right?

We don’t like to talk about STDs, which is why what happened on Girls is so interesting and why I started thinking back to how I felt in 2005. On the show, the lead character, Hannah, learns she has HPV. She takes to Twitter and after a few drafts types: “All adventurous women do,” which is something her friend said when Hannah shared the news.

Emily Nussbaum’s recent post in the New Yorker’s Culture Desk makes great points about the significance of this moment in TV history. She writes, “… Hannah’s telling other people – and of course herself – that her worst experiences are not humiliations and stains: they’re adventures. (They’re material.)”

It makes for great TV, but what does this scene say about how real women talk about STDs? On the one hand, here I am using my own adventure with HPV as material, right? And there were tons and tons of post-show “All adventurous women do” tweets. But, if I – and I’m a perpetual over-sharer – am still sort of unsure how I feel about sending my own story into the public realm, what does that say about the stigma surrounding STDs?

About half of all men and more than three out of four women have some form of HPV -all the adventurous ladies, put your hands up! – at some point in their lives. Now I’m not a mathematician, but it seems to me that if so many people have some version of this thing, we should be able to talk about it. But we don’t.

The symptomatic among us eventually hit up a doctor, find out the truth and get treated. The asymptomatic among us that have health insurance, or access to a clinic where we can get our annual exams, eventually go in for a pap smear and learn the news. The unlucky, uninsured women without access to testing or treatment -or even basic knowledge about HPV – are at high risk for cancer. Cancer that could be totally prevented if people had easy access to testing and the HPV vaccine.

The ultimate message of Girls is empowerment – like women reclaiming the word bitch. But should we be empowered? Is acquiring HPV an “adventure?”

I got HPV because, like many women, I was on the pill and, in the moment, didn’t even mention a condom. I was either too embarrassed, too afraid of rejection or too trusting of a guy who seemed fine – and in his mind was fine because as a guy he had no way to know he had HPV.

What it comes down to is “Hey, join the adventurous ladies club!” is not a good message for the 25% of women who don’t yet have HPV. The better message might be that sex can be weird and embarrassing, and no matter what Trojan commercials tell you, condoms aren’t sexy. But you know what else isn’t sexy? An STD. Warts. Cancer.

Ultimately, I’m glad Girls started the conversation, and I don’t watch HBO for PSAs, but I do think empowerment would be better defined as having the lady balls to protect yourself in the first place.

Photo: HBO

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