I was sitting in traffic recently, when I noticed that the license plate in front of me featured a majestic bald eagle, its wings spread in flight above a caption that instructed me to “Conserve Wildlife.” Clearly this is a worthwhile sentiment, although I was surprised to see it on a license plate from New Jersey (a state better known for grand-scale corporate polluting than for saving the wetland habitats of nesting ospreys). But the real surprise of the conservation license plate was that it was attached to the back of an enormous white stretch limousine – a vehicle one does not immediately associate with conservation, wildlife, or any other earth-friendly concern.

The fact is, limos are really only known for two things: one is for transporting totally hammered young adults to and from bars, clubs, and bachelorette parties –  the other is for crapping on the planet by using an obscene and unnecessary amount of gasoline. Either way, it’s hard to see the limousine as a friend to bog turtles, when it is more commonly associated with inebriated meatheads who insist on popping up through the moon roof, fist-pumping and woo-hooing their way through residential neighborhoods.

I have to admit to a certain prejudice against limos. For one thing, whenever you see a young man in a powder blue tuxedo, he is almost always coming out of a limousine – as far as I’m concerned, this alone should be grounds for outlawing them. Limos used to be the vehicle of choice for prime ministers, brides, and captains of industry – they evoked an image of class and gracious living. Now they are likely to come with a “vomit deposit,” in case the backseat mini bar leads to an unpleasant, yet not entirely unpredictable conclusion.

Of course, limos are not the only fuel-inefficient cars sporting conservation license plates – the state of New Jersey will issue one to anybody willing to fork over $50.00 (most of which does actually go towards protecting endangered wildlife).

Promoted with the tag line of “Drive Conservation Home” these plates are intended to “let everyone know you believe in conservation, and let them know you’re doing something about it.” A noble sentiment, but the message is somewhat diluted when it’s attached to a car that’s bigger than my first apartment”¦a car with disco lights and a plasma T.V. …a car that is charged a “gas guzzler” tax to compensate for the pollution it creates.

Perhaps 33-foot party-bus limos should be charged $100 for conservation plates – or even $1,000. The extra money would go a long way towards helping the smog-choked peregrine falcons of Jersey City.

You have to wonder if encouraging citizens to take public transportation might not be a better way to protect animal habitats. But then we’d have to live without the unintended hilarity of having wildlife conservation promoted on the back of Hummers, SUVs and stretch limousines. Those license plates should really read: New Jersey: The delicious irony state.

Image: Gene Hunt

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When historians look back on the fall of the American Empire, the Hummer may well serve as the symbol of cultural excess that brought down the once great nation. The Romans got gout and fell over from guzzling wine in lead pots; we bellied up to the gas pumps sucking down the sweet oily nectar that would flow forever.

If ever there was an apologue for the gilded anything-goes Clinton era, it is the Hummer. Hell, the car’s name itself calls to mind images of stripper-laden rap videos, $1,000 bottles of Cristal, cigars and teenage fantasies involving interns, corridors of power and sullied dresses.

Seemingly created for a real-time-action movie starring the Terminator himself, the Hummer was originally a military vehicle made famous in Desert Storm where some 20,000 of the vehicles helped display American might, showing the world once and for all, we make the rules when it comes to fighting wars in the Middle East.

Those days – and the Hummer marque – are long gone. GM announced that a deal to sell the brand to a Chinese manufacturer collapsed and it would begin to wind down the division unless another magical suitor has $150 million to burn. Ironically, the primary reason the Chinese government wouldn’t approve the deal was due to environmental concerns.

And the greenies rejoiced!

(Although, please keep in mind, 3,000 American jobs will be affected. As Bruce Springsteen said about his hometown, “Foreman says the jobs are going boys and they ain’t coming back.”)

In some ways, the Hummer already feels like a relic from another era. A vehicular charade from a time when play-acting weekend solider was a rich man’s hobby, and 5,363 American troops hadn’t lost their lives in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Even Arnold Schwarzenegger himself bailed on the brand in 2006, and only 9,000 were sold in 2009. GM kept scaling them down, but the “efficient” H3 and its 15-mpg never captured the collective “love it or leave it” imagination like the original H1, and remaindered Hummers have been collecting cobwebs at dealerships ever since.

Does this mean Americans have become more responsible in their car-buying ways?

Well, Ford announced January SUV sales were up 8%. Alas.

The end of Hummer is a business decision, nothing else. But as far as symbolism goes, it’s a good day for common automotive sense.

There isn’t a lot to be said for the Hummer and one suspects it will die a quiet death, a lot quieter than the sounds of Earth being chewed-up by a pointless egotistical six-figure S.U.V. that should have been buried in the desert long ago, anyway.

In the end, there’s only one thing to be said about the Hummer.

Hasta la vista, baby.

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