Due to the common use of assisted reproductive technology, twins and triplets are now subconsciously labeled “natural” or “unnatural.”

In Katharine Wroth’s Salon article about the questions people ask pregnant women, she expresses her outrage at continually being asked “Were you trying?” She thought it was not only too personal, but the answer potentially passed judgment on her relationship and lifestyle. The good news is that once she gives birth, this question will most likely disappear. As the mother of twins, there is a question I feel is far more invasive and offensive that begins with pregnancy and is more frequent after birth.

“Are they natural?”

It is universally the most-hated question asked of parents of multiples, followed closely by “You must have your hands full!” or “Better you than me.” In just three words, strangers pry into your method of conception – a private and intimate moment – and tack a label on your children. Using the term “natural” to describe children conceived without any help automatically conveys what the asker thinks of children who were conceived using assisted reproductive technology (unnatural).

What is an unnatural child, anyway? Am I really supposed to answer: Yes or no? It’s shocking that strangers and casual acquaintances think it’s appropriate to ask someone how their children were conceived. Although fertility treatments account for 77 percent of multiple births, many single children are born that way, too, yet I don’t see the same people marching up to everyone they meet and asking how their child was conceived. Whenever I am asked, I get the creepy feeling that the person is either picturing me in bed with my husband or in a gown and stirrups at a doctor’s office. I was raised to be polite, so as yet I haven’t asked that person how they conceived their own children – flat on their backs or in some other position? Maybe next time, I will.

I have seven friends with twins to whom I am close enough to know the circumstances of their origin. Out of our group, six sets (one mom has two sets) were conceived with no outside intervention, and three were the result of assistance. We have all been asked how our children came to be, and I’ve noticed that when the answer is that they were conceived naturally, the asker smiles and is supportive, commenting on how cute the children are. When the answer is that they were conceived with help, the asker usually replies, “oh,” rather flatly. Many parents report that they have resorted to lying or giving outrageous answers like “No, they’re plastic” or “We had sex twice in one night” in an attempt to end unwelcome conversations in the mall or at the supermarket.

My friend’s mother was talking the other day about a coworker’s daughter who had IVF and subsequently had triplets. She said, “Well, you get what you deserve.”

Exactly what do couples who have infertility issues deserve? The repeated disappointment of not being able to get pregnant, month after month, while watching their family and friends reproduce without issue? The devastation of miscarriages? The bone-deep, hollowed-out heartache of watching a fetus on an ultrasound that is not moving and has no heartbeat? Or, because they had the nerve to see a specialist and use fertility medications, they “deserve” multiples? Evidently, multiples are somehow a punishment.

Assisted reproduction has become more common now due to a variety of factors, and it is certainly discussed more often. Perhaps that’s why people feel that they can ask parents how their children came to be, however inappropriate it still is. While it’s more common, judging by the reactions, assisted reproduction is still looked down on by many. For some reason, having one child through assisted reproduction is a miracle, but having multiples that way is unnatural, even though having twins or triplets is always out of anyone’s control. One commenter on a twins blog said that he had “natural” twins, and felt they were special, whereas twins conceived through IVF were not.

Whether people are fascinated, admiring, or just plain nosy, the issue affects more than the parents – the kids can hear these comments, questions, labels and tone of voice, too. One mother posted a story about a woman who asked her if her triplets were “natural.” She then said, sympathetically, that the mother’s life must be so hard and how did she possibly do it? Later, her sad daughter asked the mother if she wished she had had only one child instead of three. I worry, too, that soon my two-year-old sons will want to know what “natural” means. That funny, irrepressible Ben and serious, cuddly Sam will wonder if they are a burden to me due to the thoughtlessness of others.

When people ask, “Do twins run in your family?” (the fraternal twin question to “Are they natural?”) in that I-would-shoot-myself-in-the-head-if-it-were-me voice, I tell them I’m adopted. Although they are asking for personal information, it seems that when they get some they don’t expect, people shut up – at least long enough for me to make a getaway. But what’s next? Perhaps they’ll want to know if I plan to find my “real” parents someday.

image: Angela Vincent

The post Lovely. Are They Natural? appeared first on EcoSalon.

Recently, I discovered “the Aniston syndrome.” And I’m not talking a mid-90s hair flip or Angelina Jolie’s extremely-played-out-imaginary nemesis. It seems a certain smug-section of bloggers have coined “the Aniston syndrome” to refer to careless old women who have dared to put their careers first, only to be suffering barren wombs and lives never truly lived. Which clearly, is represented in the tears of 40-something Jennifer Aniston, despite her amazing career, friends, body, and bank account.

It’s possible you’ve exploded with annoyance at this point – I’m sweeping up my own pieces right now. Because despite our post-feminist inclinations, society seems as hell bent as ever to shame childless spinster/old maids. If you aren’t hustling into motherhood post 35, you’re clearly tragic – even if you are Jennifer Aniston. And as a recently-engaged 38-year-old woman who wants kids but waited for the right partner, this has struck a nerve. Or two. Or twelve.

Here’s why. My fiancé and I are not rushing to get married. We are not rushing to get pregnant. We are not rushing, period. And we want children. I adore my nieces and could easily walk home with any of my friend’s babies, maybe possibly returning them in five weeks or years.

But try explaining this to the masses at large. “Thirty-eight and engaged” means “throw out the birth control pills, you aged fool” to many. I recently had an acquaintance congratulate me on my engagement and ask when I was getting married, only to immediately assert “Oh well, you’ll probably have to do IVF anyway. There’s no rush!”

To which I say – really? Really, self-satisfied acquaintance who represents a portion of society? Giving birth is probably the most personal thing any of us can do, yet it seems to be a topic on which many are eager to offer an opinion. Are fertility drugs the expected choice for struggling parents? And if fertility is now about choice, then why does it seem like adoption is the thing you’re supposed to consider AFTER you’ve put your body through courses of taxing hormones? What about the right to refuse fertility drugs?

I have several friends who used IVF with outstanding results. And with their wonderful children in tow, they couldn’t imagine not having made the choice to use them. I’m happy they did as well, as I love their kids as only an auntie bent on ultimate spoilage could. I was with them every step of the way through their struggles, supporting, crying tears of frustration and eventual happiness at their amazing news.

I love my friends, I love their babies, and I love that they made their own choices. Most of all, I love that they had the right to do it without my judgment. Everyone deserves the right to explore all options to start a family. And this include the decision not to take fertility drugs.

I’m not even going to begin to address the other issues that go into having a child or fertility treatments, such as financial position, stability and more. (A recent article in Newsweek details the extreme cost of fertility drugs here.) Despite the dire predictions associated with my bridal age, I don’t know if I will be faced with any extra costs to start my family. And since I also firmly believe that no one knows how they will truly react until they are in a situation – I can’t say definitively how I or my fiancé will address the issue if we encounter it. That’s the honest-to-Betsy truth.

But I do know this. A close family member, who is like my right arm, almost died six months after giving birth to her second child. She suffered an extremely rare condition called a hepatic adenoma, which was a benign liver tumor the size of a grapefruit. (Want to learn more about this condition? Click here.) She had no idea she had it until the day it ruptured. Bleeding internally for days, she would have died were it not for the skills of her insanely amazing doctors. (Shout out, UCLA Medical and Long Beach Memorial!)

And what caused her tumor in the first place? Hormones. We will never know if they were the natural hormones from her two pregnancies. We will never know if they were the artificial hormones from her use of birth control pills, since she had this crazy idea of not wanting to get pregnant on her honeymoon. But we do know that her tumor was caused by too much estrogen in her body.

Sure, her condition was extremely rare. And yes, it hasn’t happened to me – I know this because my doctor ordered an ultrasound for my liver and it is currently tumor-free. One of the greatest things about my life is that this family member, now sporting an impressive scar and a re-sectioned liver, is still hanging around. And that she gets to come with me next week to check out a wedding dress. Because she survived too many hormones in her body.

And – my point. The decision to take fertility drugs can be extremely complicated and should be respected. But same goes for the decision not to take them. It is okay to wait to have babies, and it is okay not to have IVF in your back pocket.

And best of all? I’m not the first person to think so. Fertility is everywhere in the news. We are aware of the science of conceiving and childbirth. We know it gets harder as you age. We don’t need you to remind us, creators of “the Aniston syndrome.” We can still choose fertility drugs, we can still choose to adopt, and we can still choose to remain childless. We just don’t need to be mocked/pitied/judged for it. And we don’t need to be rushed.

So, world at large, can we back off gossiping about older moms/barren women? What’s more, can we learn to respect all our different choices? I’m sure Jennifer Aniston is extremely tired of her public persona being one of tragic, childless spinsterhood. Because at the very least, we need to just focus on her how she got her amazing gams.

Image: bibbit

The post A Woman’s Right to Refuse Hormones appeared first on EcoSalon.