Our bundle of joy was here, and I couldn’t wait to feed her. I knew breastfeeding was difficult, but nothing could have prepared me for the challenges I would experience.

On April 2, 2016 at 5:11 p.m., my life was forever changed. After nine months of waiting, 12 hours of labor, and 45 minutes of pushing, I was finally able to cradle my sweet, delicious, little girl in my arms. We were immediately encouraged to cuddle and breastfeed. She didn’t hesitate to latch on, and was a voracious eater from the time she was born. My heart was full and so was her belly.

I made a conscious decision to nurse early on in my pregnancy, and after researching, reading, and even taking classes, I knew that we were ready to begin this long term journey. Although I felt tremendous joy, accomplishment, and closeness with my daughter, the first several weeks weren’t all sunshine and roses. After experiencing pain, oftentimes toe curling, a plugged duct, and what I eventually found out to be an incorrect latch thanks to Patty, a certified consultant from La Leche League, my little peanut and I were finally able to move forward.

My supply was great. Too great, in fact, as I had an overabundance of milk for quite some time which lead to engorgement. However, with research and trial and error, I found that block feeding did the trick. Relieved, I thought the worst of the issues were behind us. Little did I know they were just beginning.

As we were breezing into her third month of life – time really does pass too quickly – breastfeeding was going beautifully. The closeness I felt with my daughter was undeniable. Seeing her gaze into my eyes, knowing that her nourishment and well-being depended on me, was at once the greatest and scariest feeling I’d ever experienced. Yet, as I watched her sweet little hands knead and flutter every night while she slowly drifted off to sleep, everything felt right in the world.

About two weeks into month three I noticed my daughter becoming increasingly fussy at the breast. So much so that her crying was almost incessant if she wasn’t nursing. And within a few days, she would unlatch, toss her head back, and wail. She couldn’t even settle during a feeding session and I hadn’t noticed a letdown since the morning prior. Meanwhile, her father and I tried everything we could think of to soothe our baby girl.

I began to fear the worst – that despite all of the articles I had read telling me otherwise, I simply wasn’t producing enough milk.

Frantic, I thought back to what had changed. What I could have possibly done wrong. I loved my daughter, so why couldn’t I have a letdown while imagining all of the sweet things I adored about her, especially while she was right there in my arms. I pictured my ducts swelling up with milk, so full that they had no other choice but to empty out into her mouth, flowing like a stream of water. I tried massage, stimulation, compressions, deep breathing. Nothing worked. I began to feel like a horrible mother.

And then, it dawned on me. About three weeks prior, after much internal debate, I decided to take the mini pill, a form of progesterone-only birth control, that was given to me at the hospital.

Heartbroken, I knew that the pill, coupled with her reduced diaper output and distress, meant I would have to supplement with formula. But nothing could have prepared me for the emotions I felt. That first day I cried, nearly uncontrollably, for hours. And every time I saw her unhappiness at the breast between formula feedings, I felt more and more like a failure. “Stupid, stupid,” I thought to myself, “Why didn’t you trust your instincts and avoid the birth control?”

I continued down this path for the next several days. The only satisfaction I had was seeing my daughter full, content, and happy again. With many more months of milk-based nutrition still ahead, I worried about more than just our connection, but also her health.

After discontinuing the medication immediately, and eventually coming to terms over a few very sad days that one of the most meaningful experiences I’d ever had was probably over, it was time for me to put on my big girl pants, because the blubbering mess I had become was the last thing my daughter needed. Rather than give up, though, I decided to do everything in my power to bring back my milk supply, to at least prove to myself and to her that I won’t give up that easily.

Shortly thereafter, along with the unwavering support of her dad, I began feverishly taking supplements, drinking powders,  eating oatmeal, upping my fluid intake, using an electric pump, using a manual pump, and when those didn’t work, learning to hand express. I would typically only extract a measly half ounce, and would rejoice at a full one. I began to feel defeated. This continued for several more days, until I was advised by the nurse and her pediatrician to rent a hospital-grade double breast pump.

Armed with this information, and never veering from my supplement taking course, I met with Mary, the owner and certified lactation consultant at Sweet Songs Breastfeeding, to pick up the only pump she had left in stock. Mary took her job seriously. I could tell it meant a lot to her, and after giving me some advice, I began to feel empowered. Hopeful. Like I could do this.

In the couple days that I had used the pump, I managed two and a half ounces in one sitting, which was the most I’d ever expressed at one time. You can imagine my elation over that. But, much to my dismay, the next session paled in comparison.

I knew it was only the beginning. That I would have highs and lows. Yet if I didn’t try, if I didn’t give it my all, how could I ever expect the same out of my daughter one day?

So for now, I’ll take the comfort nursing she requires in order to sleep for as long as she’ll allow it. I’ll continue to bask in the joy of every smile, every milestone, and every cuddle. I’ll drown in the intoxicating smell of her sweet scent, relish in her bath time excitement, and continue our early morning “talks.” With all of these beautiful moments and experiences, even if I never get my supply back, I feel like I’ve already won.

Have you struggled or triumphed with breastfeeding? Share your story with us on the EcoSalon Facebook page.

Related on EcoSalon

Go On, Attach Yourself to Your Baby: It’s a Win-Win Situation
Extended Breastfeeding Yields Smarter, More Articulate Babies
The Pictures of Olivia Wilde Breastfeeding are Perfect… and So are Yours

Image of Mom Breastfeeding Baby via Shutterstock

The post I May Have Lost the Breastfeeding Battle, But I Won the War appeared first on EcoSalon.

Women who are having abortions and placing their children for adoption aren’t who we think they are. They’re mothers.

In a recent Slate article, The Mother Majority, Lauren Sandler recounted her pregnancy scare and how she spent several agonizing days contemplating abortion. Sandler is married and has one child, but did not want to parent further. She considered her family of three “complete.” After her fears turned out to be groundless, she began to wonder how many other women were in the same situation. It turns out a lot. 

Her article explores the high numbers of women with children who have sought abortions. On the other side of the equation, the number of women who already have children who placed subsequent children for adoption is high as well. So what’s happening?

Mothers Declining to Parent More Children
As a mother, Sandler thought she was alone in contemplating abortion, but when she started to ask around, she discovered the opposite was true. She found that The Guttmacher Institute reported in 2008, 61 percent of women who terminated a pregnancy in the U.S. already had at least one child. The National Abortion Federation told Sandler that every year since 2008, 72 percent of women seeking to terminate a pregnancy were already mothers.

Sandler’s story mirrors similar adoption statistics. Betsy Zdonek, a caseworker at Adoption Associates with 30 years of experience in the adoption field confirmed that “the average birthmother we work with is 23 and has two children.” Although there are no official studies that focus on the demographic of mothers giving their children up for adoption, Zdonek said that more than half of their birthmothers already had children. A call to the National Council for Adoption echoed Zdonek’s experience. Megan Lindsey confirmed that there were no national studies or numbers compiled specifically about mothers (citing privacy issues), but said that nationwide, agencies were seeing a majority of birthmothers in their twenties and older with previous children. These conversations were purely anecdotal, but both women (on a local and national level) acknowledged this trend.

Why Don’t Women Want More Children?
One of Sandler’s reasons, and the main reason many mothers cite is the desire to protect the child(ren) they already have. Whether that means financially or emotionally, there are numerous obstacles for families, and mothers in particular. The economy is not the sole culprit, but it has had an undeniable impact on families in our country and others.

In early 2011, The Daily Mail reported that almost two-thirds of parents in the UK say they are too poor to have a second child, and statistics show that the average size of a British family is shrinking. Fox News and Gallup also report that American families are growing smaller and that cost is a major factor. Fox claims that as of 2010, it costs $226,920 to raise one child to the age of eighteen.

Many will say that our materialistic society is to blame because too many parents feel the need to buy their children gadgets and over-priced designer clothing, but mothers like Nicole Knepper (in an interview on Fox News) contend that many families are teetering on the brink of disaster just trying to make ends meet and pay for everyday costs of housing, food, transportation and education. Knepper’s family struggles to make ends meet on a single salary (she has been looking for work for a year) with a special needs child who requires monthly medication paid for out of the Knepper’s pocket. For her family, and many others, the addition of one more child could certainly be catastrophic.

Financial Uncertainty + Outsourcing Jobs + Poor Government Policies = An Unsupportive Nation
On the surface, our society pays lip service to championing mothers and supporting families, but underneath the pink Hallmark hearts and sentiment, America is extremely ineffective in supporting both mothers or families. Numerous studies, the current business environment and our nation’s own policies discourage having children.

Although a small percentage of progressive, high-profile companies make it onto various “Best Places to Work” and mother’s magazines’ employers lists, the reality is that the vast majority of companies in this country (many of them struggling small businesses), are offering fewer and fewer full-time jobs with benefits and are instead offering part-time or contract jobs to avoid the high cost of health care, employment taxes and retirement benefits.

Compensation is falling while the cost of living continues to rise. Even for those who have employer-supplied health care, out of pocket costs are increasing. For contractors who have no benefits, maternity leave and the cost of giving birth is prohibitive, especially since many would certainly be replaced if they went on maternity leave, as there is no legal obligation for the employer to hold their job. During this recession more men than women lost their jobs. As a result, many women are the sole financial support for many families and cannot take either an unpaid maternity leave, risk losing their jobs, or simply add another person to an already struggling family situation.

Despite our slow economic recovery, U.S. companies are recording financial gains, as they wring every bit of productivity out of American workers, resulting in longer days and more hours for no more, and sometimes less, pay. Many are forced to work even longer hours than many day cares are open or attempt to adjust their work schedules accordingly which could jeopardize their job security. While Americans work many more hours than their European counterparts, we also receive far less time off and have no mandatory sick leave or vacation time.

The Economist’s 2011 Women’s Economic Opportunity report spotlighted that out of 113 countries studied, only the United States and Australia do not offer paid maternity benefits (although Australia began offering these benefits in January of this year). The report also stated that globally, women make 75% less than men. Many countries (including the U.S.) pass adequate equality laws, but simply do not enforce them. In the US, women’s compensation is gaining some ground, but working mothers make less, and the more children you have, the more it hurts your career. Currently women make up half the U.S. workforce, yet there are still many more roadblocks than benefits to working and having children.

Who Knows Best How Tough it is to be a Parent?
Even outside these external factors, mothers declining to parent more children is not hard to understand. Who knows better how hard it is to be a parent than someone who has already done it? Zdonek agrees, saying that birthmothers with children are the ones who make adoption plans, while the percentage of teen mothers who do so are much smaller.

Even though many parents will say that parenting is rewarding and brings them happiness, study after study refutes this, claiming that having children doesn’t make parents happy and they are much more stressed than people without children. The New York Times’ Lisa Belkin examines a study claiming that having children causes more misery than joy, and New York magazine’s Jennifer Senior goes further, citing several studies that show how children are detrimental to marriage, and the more of them there are, the worse it is in All Joy and No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting.

“As a rule, most studies show that mothers are less happy than fathers, that single parents are less happy still, that babies and toddlers are the hardest, and that each successive child produces diminishing returns.”

Although many would say single parenthood is more accepted than in the past, studies show that it is still frowned upon. Socially and financially, it is the hardest parenting role out there. The 2011 U.S. Census data shows that 31.6 percent of single parent households headed by women fell below the poverty line as opposed to 6.2 percent of married couples and 15.8 percent of single fathers. A 2011 Economist report estimated that in 2008 child care costs equaled 30 percent of a dual income family’s net income (obviously it would be more than that for a single income home). The report concluded that governments should focus on offering affordable child care and other services to single parents to encourage them to work (rather than collect unemployment or welfare benefits).

And, as our planet’s population passes the 7 billion mark, society is beginning to frown on bigger families for environmental reasons.

Damned If They Do, Damned If They Don’t, and Just Damned No Matter What
Many believe that if you make your bed and have sex in it, you should bear the child that might come with it. But who does bear the consequences? According to Epigee Women’s Health, even perfect birth control users can “expect more than one unplanned pregnancy in her lifetime.” USA Today reports that at least 4 in 10 pregnancies in every state are unplanned, including pregnancies within long-term relationships and marriages. (This report does not address what percentage of unplanned pregnancies are attributed to women who already have children.)

What If It’s Not a Necessity, But a Choice?
Faced with financial constraints, the rising cost of living, an uncertain work environment, family unfriendly government and business policies and parental stress, mothers are making difficult decisions out of necessity, but also out of choice. Sandler discussed the distinction between a mother choosing an abortion or adoption out of desperation, and choosing not to parent out of preference. Gloria Feldt, former Planned Parenthood Federation of America president told Sandler, “The less in control of a woman’s life she is, the more the public supports her right to make that choice. The more [people perceive] she is in control of her life, saying this is the life I choose, the less people support it.”

Sandler’s story drew heavy criticism over her assertion that she would choose abortion (if it had come to that) rather than parent another child. In 2009, USA Today profiled another mother, Renee, who was solely supporting three teenage children when she found herself pregnant again. She chose to have her child and place her for adoption. Her story also drew widespread criticism with people wondering why a mother would not want to parent additional children.

Angela*, a single mother who asked that her name not be used, has one daughter from a previous relationship that she is parenting alone. It was a struggle, but Angela was able to provide for herself and her daughter without any public assistance. When her birth control failed and she found herself pregnant again, she determined that she did not want to have another child. “I had parented my daughter and I knew what I was in for. I did not want to do that again.” Additionally, she did not want to be bound to a man she no longer had a relationship with.

Angela had an abortion and knows it was the right choice for her and her daughter.

“This is one issue that I feel very passionate about, that women have the choice and the accessibility to have an abortion.”

Angela acknowledges that some of her friends don’t understand her decision, but she has no regrets. She has built a thriving business, has a close bond with her daughter and is providing for her family without government assistance – a success story that would not have happened had she brought another child into the world.

Image: Kevin Murphy, Keoni Cabral, Karin Dalziel, James Cridland

The post More Pregnant Mothers Are Choosing Not to Parent Additional Children appeared first on EcoSalon.

In the latest assault on reproductive rights, losing a pregnancy could mean serious legal consequences for the mother – even the death penalty.

Imagine that you are several weeks pregnant and growing more excited by the day. You have decided to wait to tell people until you are past that tricky first trimester, the time period of so many losses (some estimate that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage). At your first checkup, the doctor scans your belly and frowns. Scans again and frowns. There is no heartbeat. An ultrasound confirms that your baby is not moving and there is no blood flow, just a sad, little unmoving body.

As you cry for your loss and for the child you will never know, a male police officer arrives and asks you, “What did you do to cause this?” As you are trying to come to terms with your own unfounded feelings of guilt, a man is putting it into words and demanding answers, never mind the fact that in most cases doctors cannot determine the precise cause of a miscarriage. Despite that, the burden is on you to prove that your behavior did not in some way cause your pregnancy to terminate, or you could face life in jail or the death penalty.

Sound like something from The Handmaid’s Tale? Margaret Atwood might be prescient. We are well on our way to living in a dystopian society caused by the systematic dismantling of women’s healthcare and rights. 2011 has been an appalling year for women. State after state has mounted a legislative assault on Roe v. Wade and Planned Parenthood, chipping away at a woman’s right to choose, access to affordable birth control, STD screening and early breast cancer detection. But, it hasn’t stopped there.

Legislators have suggested that women carry abortion insurance in the event they might be raped and a Georgia bill proposes prosecution of women who can’t prove they didn’t intentionally cause a miscarriage. Thirty-eight states have fetal homicide laws, designed to protect the fetus from attack from a third party, like a violent male partner, while other states have chemical endangerment laws passed to punish parents who expose their children to meth fumes – yet overwhelmingly, these laws are now being used against the women themselves. South Carolina has prosecuted one man for attacking a pregnant woman, but almost three hundred women for their behavior during pregnancy. Other states have followed suit, twisting the language to focus on punishing women.

Of all the proposed and recently passed legislation, the Georgia bill proposed by Rep. Bobby Franklin potentially punishing women for miscarriages is the most disturbing. The language of the law demands that women prove “no human involvement whatsoever in the causation.” This vague language leaves the door wide open for prosecutorial abuse.

The bill has been shelved for now (and in a further twist, the representative behind it, Bobby Franklin, passed away July 26th during development of this story). Regardless of the tragedy of this individual’s death, the fact that anyone could put that into words, and attempt to pass it, affecting thousands of women in one state with the potential for other state legislators to follow suit – speaks volumes about what men in power think of women. It spells out their belief that they have the right to oppress women and punish them without proof for perceived behaviors and lifestyle choices.

Even though many pregnancies end in miscarriage, doctors routinely tell women that they will not do any additional testing until a woman has had three consecutive losses. Three investigations. Three heartbreaks where a mother can be questioned and be blamed, when she is already feeling grief, hopelessness and despair of ever having the child she wants so much. It is an incredibly private and painful time, and legislators want to not only intrude, but vilify and punish. Should law enforcement really determine if a woman is to be charged, when even doctors can’t say with certainty why a pregnancy ended and will do nothing about it until she has had three losses?

What is the purpose of this law? It and others like it are simply state-sanctioned witch hunts. The chemical endangerment law, passed to prosecute parents who subject their children to harmful fumes in meth labs, has been expanded to include pregnant women who tests positive for drug use or whose infants test positive after birth, and even women who have lost pregnancies when the cause can’t be proven.

Prosecuting women with drug problems would seem like a deterrent to drug use during pregnancy, but realistically, it will more likely just cause women to not seek help, and when they are pregnant is precisely the time they need help the most – before their babies are damaged by their habits. This could cause more babies to be born with health problems or more women to seek abortions for fear of being prosecuted if their baby tests positive.

This could deter women from considering giving up their children for adoption, as well. Many adoption agencies question birth mothers about their medical histories and habits during pregnancy to get an idea of the health of the child. If birth mothers believe that their behavior will be used against them, they will either lie or simply avoid adoption altogether.

This virtually eliminates a woman’s right to medical privacy. No woman will want to tell her doctor or any other medical health professional the truth about her habits, and this can have serious repercussions when medical staff don’t have all the facts when they are treating someone. Will all reports of miscarriages be investigated? With state budgets facing shortfalls and police forces enduring personnel cuts, is this what police should spend their time on?

Will women have to be nervous about every action they take? What if a woman drinks alcohol before she knows that she is pregnant and suffers a miscarriage? What about any woman who goes against a doctor’s advice and loses her pregnancy later, even though those two events might not be linked at all? What does “human involvement” mean? Where does it stop and who will the law be enforced against? Will all hospitals have to report gunshot victims and miscarriages?

I have a friend whose daughter died in utero 10 days before her due date, another who lost two different babies at 18 weeks, another whose twin girls were stillborn at 22 weeks, and several who had one, two or three miscarriages. If pressed, none of them could prove “no human involvement,” since their doctors weren’t even sure why it happened. Should these tragedies have potentially cost my friends their lives?

image: Y, La Bella Vida, Tourist On Earth

The post Legislating Misogyny: Miscarriage Could Now Become a Crime (Really) appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnWhere celebrity becomes conscious.

As my grandmother used to mysteriously intone over her crochet needles, “Even kittens can scratch.” Are we really inferring that the adorable, cuddly spawns of joy positioned on celebrity hips everywhere are anything but angels from above? No, the innocents of Hollywood’s loins are blameless. But the media detailing their every move for our tabloid pleasure? There’s some Rosemary in that baby. The cult of baby is careening out of control in Hollywood, and I’m calling for some deprogramming before it’s too late.

You can’t click on a blog these days without seeing a Shiloh, Suri, Kingston, Cruise, or Stefani modeling a new faux hawk or splashing about a swimming pool with their mother. People Magazine has an entire online section devoted to the progeny of celebrity. Headlines such as “Jenna Fisher is having a boy,” “Pink was looking forward to a natural birth,” and “The Beckhams introduce [daughter] Harper Seven” leap from the screen, daring you to click on the private lives of celebrities. And like moths drawn to the adorable flame, we click, we post, we comment. But why?

There is perhaps nothing more intimate on the planet than the act of giving birth. Up until the 1930s, childbirth was essentially one drawn-out Dark Age, often shrouded in grim statistics of low infant survival and high mother and child mortality. Organized medicine and germ theory stepped in, bringing births out of the home and into hospitals. But this meant the birthing process became a sterile event often involving excessive drugs and isolation.

As Discovery Health writes of the mid-20th century birthing process:

The fear of infection, a major killer of mothers and babies, led to such practices as taking away all a woman’s personal belongings when she entered the hospital; shaving all her pubic hair; administering large, uncomfortable enemas; prohibiting fathers and other loved ones from entering the maternity area; keeping babies in nurseries, away from their mothers; and handling babies as little as possible.

Thankfully, times have changed, and women are much more in control of childbirth at the dawn of the 21st century. So when someone else invites us into their birthing process, there’s a secret elation at seeing what was previously forbidden. We want the gory details. Photos? Put them up. C-section or natural birth? Tell it, sister. Perhaps this explains what’s driving the celebrity baby industry, especially exacerbated since the arrival of the internet. It’s the dawning of the Age of Overshare, and our broadening online village lets us feel like we’re personally invested in, say, Victoria Beckham’s newborn daughter.

Not to mention, we get the details and we get to have an opinion. As Brianne posted on People’s celebrity baby blog regarding another celebrity (and former Spice Girl) pregnancy, “Mel, I can hardly wait for this baby to get here! Emma and Jade had their second son, Tate, in May, and Harper Seven Beckham is 8 days old! Boy or girl, I’m SOOOOO happy for you and Stephen, so all the best!!!” There’s nothing wrong with someone’s obvious enjoyment on weighing on the impending birth of a person she’s never met. (We assume apologies to Brianne if she’s a close personal friend of said Spice Girl.) The fact that we get a voice at all now seems expected or even natural to us. Ultimately, we seem to have crossed a line where we’re eager to place ourselves into the most intimate components of stranger’s lives as a form of entertainment.

Actress Isla Fisher and her baby bump on the red carpet.

And then there’s the fantasy factor. Motherhood can be one of the most powerful experiences on the planet. So when it is touted on the red carpet, latest maternity fashions on hand, we feel like we’re getting a glimpse of what it means to be perfect and pregnant. Our current celebrity culture is just a reflection on our ideals or thoughts on fashion, style, and ultimately social acceptance. So we, and by extension the media, are making mountains out of celebrity diapers. Celebrities are supposed to be our cooler cousins, our fantasy extensions of the self. So are their pregnancies, and consequent children, part of the fantasy? Or do we really just want to see them struggle in a parking lot holding a baby carrier and an overloaded diaper bag?

How do celebrities feel about this? It’s hard to imagine Jennifer Garner calls out the paparazzi for her Brentwood family jaunts any more than Reese Witherspoon invites photographers to her children’s birthday parties at Disneyland. Just like us, they likely enjoy taking their children out of the house and into public spaces. This simple act can be a terrifying event – I’ve been caught in a paparazzi crush several times on the streets of Hollywood, and I feel like I’ve barely lived to tell about it. So what does an experience like that do to a child? Only tattered security blankets may tell the tale.

Even the celebrities invite attention to their children. TV actress Elisabeth Rohm blogs regularly for People Magazine, recently detailing how she and her child dealt with the loss of her favorite stuffed animal. 90210 actor Ian Ziering does the same for celebrity fathers. Its mommy-blogging gone Hollywood and it’s no different than the Facebook forums and WordPressed articles we’re sharing amongst ourselves.

Let’s say you decide to forgo the baby bump in Hollywood? You are still risking the ire of the public. Last year, the bloggers at Babble infamously asked us to consider “The [Jennifer] Aniston syndrome” by investigating the soon-to-be barren wombs of some of Hollywood’s leading ladies. After creating a storm of controversy, Babble apologized and pulled the blog, but not before I wrote about it, as well as did several other disgusted bloggers.

Hollywood’s baby coverage is just business as usual. Outside of the confines of Tinsel Town, women regularly wrestle with the decision to have kids, career, or both. With a distinct “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” mentality, we’re applauded for having babies. And if you’re childless? Everyone wants to know why. After all, we’re entitled to know – aren’t we?

So really, Hollywood is just one giant Thanksgiving dinner table filled with your nosy aunts and inquiring cousins. When we endure the “when are you going to have a baby?” question casually tossed over the gravy bowl, we’re really just standing in a supermarket checkout line eyeing the tabloid headlines detailing the adventures of the Jolie-Pitt child crew of six. Once again, we’re playing out our own fears in one big cultural Meta monster. Except this monster breeds.

This is the latest installment in Katherine Butler’s column, Shade Grown Hollywood, where celebrity becomes conscious. “Shade grown” refers literally to shade grown coffee, a farming method that “incorporates principles of natural ecology to promote natural ecological relationships.” Shade Grown is our sustainable twist on Hollywood.

Image: lsuchick142/Flickr

The post Shade Grown Hollywood: The Dark Side of Hollywood Babies appeared first on EcoSalon.

More people are choosing to remain childfree.

My friend, Katherine, has always been sure that she wanted a house full of children; she’s just one of those people who falls into motherhood easily and happily. Another friend, Anna, does not want to have children. I walk the middle line, with the mother role being something I’m still learning to wear comfortably.

It’s a cliche by now that those with children encourage, pressure, even browbeat all the misguided people who claim to care less about having children. But why should this be so?

Taking On Parenthood

Parenthood is a major life change and it requires a huge emotional, financial and lifestyle investment for the rest of your years. How can we blame anyone who honestly assesses their hopes and dreams and decides that being a parent is not part of them? What our society should do is encourage and support those who do want children, and applaud those who realize that they don’t. Pushing people to take on such a huge unwanted responsibility can only spell misery for everyone.

Many people call the childfree choice selfish. Selfish, to me, would be having children and then always placing your needs and desires above theirs, resenting them for demanding time, money and energy you don’t want to give, and making them feel unwanted. Realizing that you don’t want to go down this path is simply being self-aware of your mental, spiritual and financial demands, and knowing that a child simply doesn’t fit.

If You Don’t Want to Be a Parent, You Can’t Be a Good One

I recently read a comment by a woman who spelled out all the reasons she chose not to have children and why she didn’t want to be a parent. She then added that she really resented it when she told people this and they assumed that she would be a poor parent. They’re right. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t say that you don’t want to invest the time, emotion, or money it takes to be a parent, and then say that, nevertheless, you would be a great parent.

I don’t choose to invest hundreds of thousands of dollars into attending law school, spend hours studying kitchen plumbing or log enough airtime to become a pilot so similarly, why would I force anyone to become a parent? While no parent is perfect, the baseline requirement is wanting to be one.

The Great Divide

While I support a person’s right not to have children, I also don’t want to be glared at in restaurants, resented in the workplace, and disparaged because I chose to have children. Similarly, childfree adults also don’t want to be discriminated against for their choices.

The family landscape is changing, and the point is choice. The number of women not having children is rising whether society chooses to accept it or not. We can let this issue drive a wedge between parents and non-parents, or we can see it as a way to improve our society’s health. Is it such a bad thing to promote fewer families with children, and stronger family units? To have individuals who lead better, more contented lives because they are encouraged to feel proud of their chosen lifestyle?

Image: kevindooley

The post Childfree: The Way to Be? appeared first on EcoSalon.

Infertility is a major bitch. It can seem like an almost endless font of emotions, misconceptions, fears, and at times complete and utter despair for the women and men who suffer through it. For women of a certain age who are not yet even trying for babies, it can swing like a scythe out of nowhere. For women (and yes, men) who are on the path to babies and facing road block after road block, it can be one of the hardest roads to travel in life.

The good news? Infertility is a bitch who almost always gets made over into a happy stork. Of the many strong women and men I know who have been down this road, they all have children now – be they biologically-derived or of another mother. And all of them feel with the depth of their souls that they have the children they were “meant” to have. Some confide they would not even change the path that got them to parenthood, as stressful as it was at times.

Still, for our sisters and brothers still on this road, one of the most painful things about it can be the misconceptions of others. People in the midst of infertility may know the technical ins and outs almost as well as some doctors. But the same doesn’t go for the aunt at Thanksgiving dinner who loudly asks three times in one evening if you’re pregnant and haven’t you been trying for years? (Because you got knocked up in the ten minutes since the first time she asked, right?) For the nosy aunts and well-meaning friends out there, here’s a look at some of the common misunderstandings about fertility that are better left unsaid.

It’s all in your head. It’s not all in your head. As Parents Magazine points out, some may tell men and women struggling with infertility that “if you’d stop worrying so much, you’d get pregnant.” Dr. John Zhang is the director of New Hope Fertility Center in New York. As he told New York Family, your relaxed mental state is important while trying to conceive. But he points out that “It’s also not [the case] that you can just relax and everything will be fine.”

Isn’t it easy for women to get pregnant? Shows like 16 & Pregnant make it seem like a case of wine coolers is all you need to be with child. But the CDC reports that 7.3 million women in the United States have “impaired fecundity.” This is 11.3 percent of all women and by some estimate, one in every 10 couples. The struggle to get pregnant is more common than people think.

She had twins, so she must have used fertility treatments. Yes, with the rise of IVF, the rate of twin births has risen. One in 32 births are now twins, a rate that has gone up 65 percent since 1980 due to fertility treatments. But that doesn’t mean that every twin birth is from using fertility drugs or procedures, as one in 89 women still have fraternal twins and one in 250 women give birth to identical babies. More over, is it really a nosy aunt’s business how you conceived?

You’re healthy and look so young, so why are you having trouble? As a woman ages, her chances for conceiving a baby decrease no matter what. And while healthy choices are important on the road to baby, ultimately it is just about the joining of a viable egg and viable sperm. Further, infertility can strike men and women of any age.

Well, at least you have each other. To insinuate that a childless couple can’t have a happy or fulfilled life without babies insinuates that all people need parenthood as the lasting key to fulfillment. Life has disappointments. And if adoption and/or fertility treatments fail, people move on.

Genetics are everything. No, they aren’t. As Dr. Cooperman pointed out to New York Family, there is “no correlation between your mother’s infertility and your ability to conceive.” So if your mother or sister had trouble, that doesn’t mean you will.

It’s the woman’s fault. Sadly, CDC points out that 7.5 percent of all sexually-experienced men have sought treatment at some point for fertility issues. This comes to 3.3 to 4.7 million men. Couples who are trying for children are in this together. And as for the rest of us? We’re there for support.

Images: Vivian Chen, e3000

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Age is relative, and you’re only as old as you feel. Right? Certainly, but society sure has a way of making you question it all. Yes, we’re not supposed to worry so much about aging. But there comes a time – usually at the exact same moment you see a teenager ironically wearing something you wore in high school – you realize that the years have ticked on and you are staring at your 40th birthday.

The good news is that the view from the fifth decade is looking pretty good. We’ve already brought you 10 Best Reasons to Turn 30. Now, we invite you to throw some Nirvana onto the CD player, sit back, and check out why it is great to be 40.

You’re more likely to be flush with cash.
You might even have flush retirement funds. Which means, of course, you’re that much closer to retirement and play time.

You already know your body is beautiful.
Maybe you’ve had kids. Maybe you’re a triathlete. Maybe you’re Martina Navratilova who won tennis titles well into her 40s. Many report that 40 was the first time they shed their smaller body insecurities and embraced the whole package, stretch marks and all.

Sex is better than ever.
Know what you’re not going to put up with in your 40s? Bad sex. You have the confidence, wisdom, and experience to shed subpar sex. Some people might try to call this being a cougar – to which we say, bring on the cat nip.

Hair color gets kick ass.
Going a little gray? You can start to tell people that covering your gray hair is just a way to look more striking. Or you can ditch the dye altogether and embrace the new with the old. Anne Hilton is a 46-year-old attorney in Arizona who recently put pink streaks in her hair and rocks the look from her minivan.

Motherhood is in motion.
Some of us might be first-time mothers while others might be first-time grandmothers. But even if you’re in the middle of your motherhood marathon or just starting the race, experience makes you most likely one of the most competent mother on the block.

You know how to get things done.
Susan Katz is a 44-year old stay-at-home mom in North Carolina. She can wrangle three kids, maintain a household, work a part-time job, and get organic meals on the dinner table – all in one day. “I’m more organized and efficient than I ever was in my 20s or 30s,” she told me before hanging up the phone to shuttle someone off to ballet.

Michelle Obama, and Tina Fey, and Halle Berry, oh my!
Behold, the three sisters of inspiration for turning 40. Obama’s intelligence, Fey’s wit, and Berry’s body are three pinnacles of impressiveness. Sure, you can argue that these are all characteristics attainable at any age, but a woman in her 40s has experience and self-assuredness to enhance all inner and outer beauty.

You know what you want to be when you grow up.
Some share that the 40s are the first time you take the time to really think about what you want from your career, not what your career wants from you. Sprinkles Cupcakes founder Candace Nelson was an investment banker who decided to try her hand in the cupcake business. Today this forty-something has a nationwide business on her hands and the best cupcakes this side of the Mississippi.

You know how to take care of your body.
If you take an interest in healthy eating, you have your menus down by your forties. You know what exercises you can handle, how hard to push yourself, and that push-ups will never become your idea of “fun.” And this can mean health and heartiness in our 40s we never thought possible in our 20s.

40 is inspiring.
Amy DuFault is a recently turned 40-year-old Ecosalonista who lives in Massachusetts. As she told me, “I just am and I say bring on the next decade. I’m ready to kick some ass!”

Images: Egan Snow, amagill, blmurch , davidberkowitz

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In 2009 alone, 4.2 million Americans turned 30. And while some of the latest additions to the fourth decade of living may not be happy to be there, others are diving into their 30s with optimism. When I turned 30, I threw a party at a bar that no longer exists on Sunset Blvd. in Hollywood. Was I any wiser the next morning? No, but almost a decade later I can look back as a serene auntie. Okay, not really, but check out what some of our comrades had to say about why it’s great to turn 30.

“Everyone wants to be 30.” Journalist Gail Sheehy calls 30 “The Golden Age.” As CBS reports, Sheehy asserts “Everybody wants to be 30. 50-year-olds say 50 is the new 30. 40-year-olds are saying 40 is the new 30. And interestingly when I interview people in the mid-40s, in their 50s and ask, how do you feel inside? They almost always say 30.”

Your 20s are over. In your 20s, you’re young, you’re healthy, and you’ve got a skin tone that can’t be beat. But it’s also a time for actions that may have you smacking your forehead with a “what was I thinking?” for years. Which is why turning 30 can be a great time to put that all behind you (under lock and key, buried under a moonless night) and look forward to a decade of smarter choices.

I asked Marshall Herskovitz, cultural god of the thirtysomething decade, his opinion on turning 30. Marshall is co-creator and executive producer of the iconic TV series Thirtysomething. As Marshall told me, “Turning 30 serves one good function only, and that’s getting you out of your crappy twenties, a decade in which you didn’t get nearly the respect, success, sex, or money you thought you were supposed to…”

Been there, done that. Fashion changes for some in their 30s. No, we’re not saying skip the latest looks because you’re too aged to pull off jeggings. But some feel that fashion in your 30s is more about knowing who you are and what you want. As 39-year-old Chicago banker Amy Hoffman told me, “I thought one of the liberating things about turning 30 was you no longer felt the need to follow every fashion trend. There’s more I think I’ll sit this one out or better yet, I already did that in the 80s.”

It’s a reality check. Aysia Wright, co-founder Project Green Search and aged 36, found herself asking at 30: “What am I doing with my life? Am I being true to myself?” Because so many people hold up the age as a marker, it’s a positive time when people can take a moment to check in and get oriented in the right direction.

It’s a good time for mommies. Andrea Schmieg is 38-year-old physician in Virginia and a mother of three. When I asked her the best reason to turn 30, she shared simply: “kids.” We sure don’t advocate panicking over a biological clock because you’re three decades in. But it is nice to note that since you’re often self-assured in your 30s, it makes parenthood all the more powerful.

Milestones, schmilestones. By the age of 30, you see for the first time how hard life can be for people who feel they aren’t hitting their milestones. It doesn’t matter if you’re settling down or not, having babies or not, or hitting your career goals or not. It just matters that you are on the right path. The right destination really is all about how you get there. I know I sound like I’m in a serene, meditation pose while writing this, but it is true. (I wish I could be that limber.)

Your most common way to die is by accident. You’re as healthy as you’re ever going to be at age 30. So drink (moderately) to good health!

Your career goals may be firmly set. Via 11points.com, “the average person has had 7.5 jobs by 30, and you’ll have 2.4 more by age 35.” Okay, so that’s a lot of jobs. I had two jobs by the time I was 30. Both of them involved a variation of what I am now — a full-time writer. By the age of 30, you are most likely going to have a good idea of what you want in terms of a career. And odds are that you are heading in the right direction.

Getting carded becomes fun. Age isn’t supposed to matter, right? And we’re not supposed to care about fine lines, wrinkles, and the odd ache and pain creeping up, right? Well, some of us do. So if our day is just a little brighter because someone refused to sell us a bottle of supermarket red wine, then so be it. Let the cardings continue!

It really does keep getting better. Sometimes, it seems that we can get hit with one huge emotional life event after another. And for many, this can happen right around 30. Grandparents pass away, childhood homes are sold, and relationships can end in spectacularly bad ways. (As may be the problems when you are healthy and operate of your own free will.) But then you settle into life with a little more experience under your belt and a boatload of perspective. And what does that mean? A smoother road into your 40s and beyond.

Photos: Sleepishly, titlap, a4gpa

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“To be or not to be” – a parent, that is the question. The thing is, more American women are choosing “not to be.” Research shows that 1 in 5 women are now without children as opposed to 1 in 10 women in the 1970s. Childlessness has increased across most educational groups and all racial and ethnic levels.

Further, most adults no longer think you need a child to be happy. According to Pew Research (via YourTango) 59 percent of adults in 2002 said they disagree with the statement that people who don’t have kids “lead empty lives.” In 1988, only 39 percent of these people didn’t agree with that statement.

There are many reasons for this, such as better contraception options, and perhaps a heightened concern about financial security. But as Dr. Laura Corio told AOL Health, some of it may simply be due to a larger enjoyment of life. “People are enjoying their lives: they’re traveling, shopping, eating out. Putting a baby into the situation is going to change everything.”

What does this all mean? Some parents like to espouse that “when you have a child, you will love in a capacity like you have never known before.” Frankly, I think these are parents who never had nieces or nephews before they had their own children. Because for some devoted aunties and uncles, we’re already at “throwing ourselves in front of a train to protect them.” And you’re telling us there’s more?

Yes, some argue that parenthood opens up a sense fulfillment that you may never have experienced before. But it looks like American women just aren’t buying it like they used to. As we’ve mentioned before, having children is one of the most personal decision we can ever make.

And this is what we should be celebrating – that we have this choice. Yes, reproductive rights are still being assailed by extremists and this is a battle that should never be discounted. But the fact that we now live in a world where you’re not immediately cast in a tragedy as an unmarried, childless woman is pretty outstanding.

We live in a world where women have options to get educated and out of the house, or choose to remain in it. Obviously, due to our cranky uncle socioeconomics, this is much easier for some than others. But opportunities exist for women as never before – and I, for one, say let’s raise a glass to our feminist foremothers for making this happen.

Sure, there will always be the rogue relative who snarks at Thanksgiving dinner that you should be sitting at the kid’s table, or the bridal bouquet toss during which a cousin will insist on dragging you out on the dance floor. But chalk that up next to the burden of bearing 10 or more children or struggle to feed several more hungry mouths than you can afford, and things are off to a good start for women at the beginning of the 21st century. Let’s just keep the momentum going.

Image: carbonnyc

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Recently, I discovered “the Aniston syndrome.” And I’m not talking a mid-90s hair flip or Angelina Jolie’s extremely-played-out-imaginary nemesis. It seems a certain smug-section of bloggers have coined “the Aniston syndrome” to refer to careless old women who have dared to put their careers first, only to be suffering barren wombs and lives never truly lived. Which clearly, is represented in the tears of 40-something Jennifer Aniston, despite her amazing career, friends, body, and bank account.

It’s possible you’ve exploded with annoyance at this point – I’m sweeping up my own pieces right now. Because despite our post-feminist inclinations, society seems as hell bent as ever to shame childless spinster/old maids. If you aren’t hustling into motherhood post 35, you’re clearly tragic – even if you are Jennifer Aniston. And as a recently-engaged 38-year-old woman who wants kids but waited for the right partner, this has struck a nerve. Or two. Or twelve.

Here’s why. My fiancé and I are not rushing to get married. We are not rushing to get pregnant. We are not rushing, period. And we want children. I adore my nieces and could easily walk home with any of my friend’s babies, maybe possibly returning them in five weeks or years.

But try explaining this to the masses at large. “Thirty-eight and engaged” means “throw out the birth control pills, you aged fool” to many. I recently had an acquaintance congratulate me on my engagement and ask when I was getting married, only to immediately assert “Oh well, you’ll probably have to do IVF anyway. There’s no rush!”

To which I say – really? Really, self-satisfied acquaintance who represents a portion of society? Giving birth is probably the most personal thing any of us can do, yet it seems to be a topic on which many are eager to offer an opinion. Are fertility drugs the expected choice for struggling parents? And if fertility is now about choice, then why does it seem like adoption is the thing you’re supposed to consider AFTER you’ve put your body through courses of taxing hormones? What about the right to refuse fertility drugs?

I have several friends who used IVF with outstanding results. And with their wonderful children in tow, they couldn’t imagine not having made the choice to use them. I’m happy they did as well, as I love their kids as only an auntie bent on ultimate spoilage could. I was with them every step of the way through their struggles, supporting, crying tears of frustration and eventual happiness at their amazing news.

I love my friends, I love their babies, and I love that they made their own choices. Most of all, I love that they had the right to do it without my judgment. Everyone deserves the right to explore all options to start a family. And this include the decision not to take fertility drugs.

I’m not even going to begin to address the other issues that go into having a child or fertility treatments, such as financial position, stability and more. (A recent article in Newsweek details the extreme cost of fertility drugs here.) Despite the dire predictions associated with my bridal age, I don’t know if I will be faced with any extra costs to start my family. And since I also firmly believe that no one knows how they will truly react until they are in a situation – I can’t say definitively how I or my fiancé will address the issue if we encounter it. That’s the honest-to-Betsy truth.

But I do know this. A close family member, who is like my right arm, almost died six months after giving birth to her second child. She suffered an extremely rare condition called a hepatic adenoma, which was a benign liver tumor the size of a grapefruit. (Want to learn more about this condition? Click here.) She had no idea she had it until the day it ruptured. Bleeding internally for days, she would have died were it not for the skills of her insanely amazing doctors. (Shout out, UCLA Medical and Long Beach Memorial!)

And what caused her tumor in the first place? Hormones. We will never know if they were the natural hormones from her two pregnancies. We will never know if they were the artificial hormones from her use of birth control pills, since she had this crazy idea of not wanting to get pregnant on her honeymoon. But we do know that her tumor was caused by too much estrogen in her body.

Sure, her condition was extremely rare. And yes, it hasn’t happened to me – I know this because my doctor ordered an ultrasound for my liver and it is currently tumor-free. One of the greatest things about my life is that this family member, now sporting an impressive scar and a re-sectioned liver, is still hanging around. And that she gets to come with me next week to check out a wedding dress. Because she survived too many hormones in her body.

And – my point. The decision to take fertility drugs can be extremely complicated and should be respected. But same goes for the decision not to take them. It is okay to wait to have babies, and it is okay not to have IVF in your back pocket.

And best of all? I’m not the first person to think so. Fertility is everywhere in the news. We are aware of the science of conceiving and childbirth. We know it gets harder as you age. We don’t need you to remind us, creators of “the Aniston syndrome.” We can still choose fertility drugs, we can still choose to adopt, and we can still choose to remain childless. We just don’t need to be mocked/pitied/judged for it. And we don’t need to be rushed.

So, world at large, can we back off gossiping about older moms/barren women? What’s more, can we learn to respect all our different choices? I’m sure Jennifer Aniston is extremely tired of her public persona being one of tragic, childless spinsterhood. Because at the very least, we need to just focus on her how she got her amazing gams.

Image: bibbit

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