11 Thoughts All Women Have When They See a New Penis

Krissy Brady — Sat, 25 Jul 2015 09:00:02 +0000

All the feels women have when they see a new penis.

When it comes to penises, what qualities are most important to a woman? Because the world would end as we know it without an answer to this question, researchers in Switzerland took one for the team and found out.

For the study, published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, a group of 105 women, ages 16 to 45, were asked to rate the importance of eight specific penile characteristics on a 5-point scale (1 being very unimportant, and 5 being very important).

The findings suggest women find overall cosmetic appearance to be most important, followed by pubic hair, penile skin, penile girth, shape of glans, length, scrotum appearance, and “position and shape of meatus” (urethra).

The study was small, so the results shouldn’t be taken as gospel, but it makes sense that grooming took the top spot, and girth beat out length (because who wants to feel like they’re having sex with a rope?). Basically, when trying to determine what makes for a perfect penis, researchers found there was “no single penile aspect that is essential.”

That’s because women care more about the man attached to the penis. And no matter what it looks like, there’s something about seeing a new penis that makes us turn into giggly teenagers. On the one hand, we’re about to have sex, so yay, and on the other, we have this natural urge to do a product review before sexy time commences.

Here are just some of the thoughts women have when they see a new penis:

1. “So… there it is.”

2. “Wait, let me get my binoculars…”

3. “It’s like it’s staring at me.”

4. “Is there a user’s manual for this thing?”

5. “If I act too eager, will I scare it away?”

6. “There’s no way it’ll fit in my mouth.”

7. “Ugh, balls.”

8. “Please let that be an ingrown hair.”

9. “Note to self: Add ‘manscaping’ to your gratitude journal.”

10. “Does it always curve like that?”

11. “It’s go time.”