Female orgasms: why do they exist?

Many scientists have pondered this question through the years. Well, two hardworking researchers may have finally cracked the orgasmic code.

Why care?

Because we’re humans and we like to understand how our bodies work, duh. Also: because female orgasms are just as confusing to researchers as they are to some sexual partners.

The main reason this elusive sexual phenomenon has stumped scientists over the years is because female orgasms never appeared to play a role in conception like the male orgasm. Now, however, scientists are beginning to think that this action could actually help a woman conceive.

The research

All of this new news was recently published in a paper in the Journal of Experimental Zoology. Scientists Mihaela Pavlicev of the University of Cincinnati and Gunter Wagner of Yale University hypothesize that the female orgasm could actually trigger ovulation (or that it used to). Humans just may have “evolved” out of this response.

“If you think of an orgasm as consisting of three parts—a wave of hormones, intense pleasure, and muscle contractions—it’s possible to see similarities between a human orgasm and phenomena in other mammal species,” NPR reports.

Because of this, the authors are considering researching other mammals who ovulate in response to having sex.

Apparently, some of these mammals—this includes cats and rabbits—only release an egg when the clitoris is stimulated. The stimulation produces a wave of hormones released from the pituitary gland.

“If you walk those two phenomena forward in evolutionary time, you get a female orgasm that relies on clitoral stimulation and includes a hormone release, even though female humans have since evolved to ovulate every month, whether or not a male is around,” NPR reports.

“In fact, the authors suggest it is that change in ovulation frequency that allowed female anatomy to change over the millennia; as the clitoris was no longer strictly necessary to release an egg, it moved farther from the vagina.”

So, basically, the female orgasm is an evolutionary leftover, Science Magazine adds.

Not so fast!

While this new hypothesis is intriguing, there are plenty of other scientists who think this new conclusion is quite farfetched.

Michael Baum from Boston University and Kim Wallen from Emory University in Atlanta, two behavioral neuroendocrinologists, think Pavlićev and Wagner have misinterpreted some previously published results “and do not have the details about the hormonal changes during ovulation and orgasm correct,” Science reports.

Well, no matter where this new hypothesis leads scientists, we’ve got to admit that we’re quite interested in this research and appreciate that there are scientists who actually want to better understand the modern, human, female body.

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The post Finally, the Female Orgasm Explained appeared first on EcoSalon.

It’s not rocket science, but learning how to orgasm regularly, makes all the difference.

Some of my most vivid memories of sex, especially early in my erotic life, are not of the satisfying post-coitus elated release, but their opposite. Rather, it was the myriad times when I was still learning how my body worked, what kinds of touch triggered what response, how much time it took for arousal to take over, what positions reached deep enough inside–basically the whole ball of wax, which made orgasm work (or not). The times when I was so close but couldn’t quite get over the top before my partner was finished, sent me into a fury almost as intense as what I imagine the orgasm might have been like. So did the years after, when I thought I finally figured out how to achieve orgasm and I only wanted to do the exact same moves in the exact same order, believing it would work every time, except it  didn’t. And it quickly became a sexual rut that didn’t help my marriage much either.

For a significant period of my early marriage, orgasm misses were more frequent than the  orgasmic explosions I so longed for. My frustration turned easily to blame and it didn’t take long for my conflict-avoidant spouse to choose avoiding the whole scene, rather than risk the wrath of not getting it right with me. We spent at least a decade of our sex life among the ranks of millions who approach/avoid sex and keep score on who says no more often.  The truth is that whether they admit it or not, everyone wants to experience the seismic shift and profound emotional and energetic releases associated with orgasm.  And yet, this most intimate transformation remains elusive for many and for some, learning how to orgasm seems totally out of reach.    

In part, this is because of some fundamental misunderstandings of the workings of orgasm and the understandable yet completely unhelpful anxiety that so often accompanies our attempts to create the experience. The most important thing to get clear about orgasm is that you can’t make yourself, or more importantly, anyone else have an orgasm. And in fact, the efforts to cajole and force, only make our orgasmic potential more elusive. Prompting the all too common and vicious cycle where orgasm is set as the finish line and the entire sexual encounter gets tripped up in anticipated performance anxiety and our attention, which is what makes the present moment sexy, is completely preoccupied with whether or not you will find the end.   

The other unintended result is the creation of the sex rut, which happens when we become rigid in our sexual encounters and fixated on trying to replicate some memorable orgasm that happened before, is totally losing the fluidity of the moment you are in.

Orgasmic potential responds more readily to one’s capacity to surrender than it does to willfully trying to elicit it.  Surrender is an interesting state that emerges; it’s where curiosity and openness can lead. These emotional states, by definition, bring us fully present to what is happening in and around us. They allow the body freedom to experiment and feel while giving the mind freedom to roam. The human brain cannot simultaneously process anxiety and sexual arousal. So giving up the mind space of bad body images, worries over genital size, or the most common: being able to achieve orgasm, needs to go away for the body to surrender to finding its way.

The good news is that the more orgasms you have, the more orgasms you’re likely to have in the future. So learning how to orgasm comes with learning how to surrender to and trust your sexual response will not only help develop your orgasmic potential, but will also give you practice of letting go of anxiety. Not surprisingly,  many people have more success achieving orgasm alone than with their partner, but this is worthy practice, because the better you get at honing your own personal turn-on skills, the easier it gets sharing them with someone you love. Think of developing your capacity for orgasm as a  potent form of meditation- even when you don’t achieve bliss, the practice of harnessing our attention is where orgasmic potential starts.

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Column If you learned everything you know about “cougar women” from “The Graduate” or even “Sex and the City,” you’re still woefully ignorant about a very common dating scenario. There’s nothing predatory about older women dating younger men.

The Mrs. Robinson myth is alive and well, despite major cultural shifts in the last decade. Why are people still so freaked out about older women having sex with younger men?

We may gently “tsk tsk” when we see an older guy with a younger woman – but it’s certainly not viewed as a scandal, as we’ve seen it all a million times. We have a frame of reference for older man/younger woman pairings – evolutionary psychology even tells us that there’s a biological basis for it. (Note that I’ve roundly debunked Evo Psych in various Sexual Healing columns.) We know this guy — he’s just having a midlife crisis and he’s not a danger to anyone but himself (and maybe his mistress). But when women dabble in age-gap dating, they are ferocious animals stalking meat in the dark of night — they’re terrifying.

This is all, of course, just another form of the Madonna/Whore complex, with cougars as a stand-in for the whore. Except this whore is so sexually insatiable that she can’t help but hump everything in sight, and people like laughing at her as much as they feel sorry for her. (Too bad that she’s probably having the last laugh, because she’s having great sex.)

Over the past five or ten years, “cougar” dating sites have proliferated – most likely because of demand. But out there in TV land, the arbiter of our cultural standards, “Sex in the City” character Samantha Jones set up the 21st century cougar trope. Sam wasn’t exactly mocked for her taste in younger men, but she was presented as voracious and relentlessly sexual – something women just aren’t supposed to be in polite company. More recently, a television show called “Cougar Town” was a vehicle for former “Friends” star Courtney Cox.

But has our gut-level response to seeing older women and younger men together in real life shifted? I went straight to the source – women dating younger men, and the men who love (and sleep with) them.

Here are some comments from a few women over forty about sex in midlife generally, with a generous side helping of dating younger men:

“The sex is OFF THE CHAIN.”

“He likes his women like his cars, older, classier, more beautiful and dependable, strong, sturdy, true.” (From a 52-year-old woman dating a 34-year-old man.)

“They like us because we know our sh*t. We’re also probably not (as) desperate to get married as many 25-32 year olds are (as all their friends troop to the altar and start having babies) — we may have already BEEN married.”

“Forget Botox — orgasms are the ultimate youth elixir.”

Women over forty are mostly written out of the sexual narrative, similar to the way that women over forty in Hollywood are written out of every single screenplay. When older women want to have sex — and specifically, when they want to have it with younger men that can keep up with them — they are are compared to wild animals and framed as something less than human.

The fact that these women want to have sex, period, is what brings the judgment. How dare they still have libidos when they may no longer be perfect, perky, 24-year-old specimens of culturally-sanctioned beauty standards? We need to reexamine why the very idea of a woman who expresses her desires is so threatening. A woman over forty who wants sex isn’t a wildlife program on PBS — her dating life is not a reality show.

Television and movies may not have caught up to the actual women, the ones we call “cougars” — who are rediscovering their relationships with their own bodies, figuring out how to feel desirable again after having children, or perhaps finding their way back from divorce. Their lives are not over — in many ways they’re just beginning.

So we’ve established what’s in it for the so-called “cougar women”, but what about the younger men in the equation? More and more young guys are firmly in the “I don’t want kids” camp, and hooking up with an older woman who’s already had kids or who is proudly childfree is one way to sidestep the breeding discussion.

As for why young guys are increasingly attracted to older women, my theory is that confidence is hella sexy, and when you get to be a woman “of a certain age” you have far fewer f*cks to give about what other people think about you. You carry yourself that way, instead of looking around to see who’s checking you out. You’ve worked hard at becoming the subject of your own life, rather than someone else’s object. When you’re in your twenties and thirties you’re ostensibly in your most physically desirable stage of life — but you’re often not feeling what people are seeing.

I also credit decades of feminism for the confidence older women grant themselves — sisterhood isn’t just powerful, it’s damn good for our sex lives. The cougar narrative assumes that women are financially well-off in their forties, and that’s somehow part of their allure — but I don’t buy it. I found few examples of Sugar Mamas, but I can show you a troop of sexy artists, writers, and other not-particularly wealthy, but extremely sexually open freelancers in their forties. The men they’re dating and/or sleeping with certainly aren’t in it for the money.

Women in their late thirties and beyond have (hopefully) had plenty of sex, multiple partners, and know what they want — and often that includes dating younger men. Younger women are often just figuring it out, and sometimes perform in bed rather than truly take pleasure in the experience. (See almost any episode of “Girls” from season one for evidence of the “Sex kinda sucks but I’m going to do it anyway because I really want this guy to like me” theme.)

Another theory that’s bandied about (and I’ve done some of this bandying) is that there is a perfect libido match between women in their late thirties/early forties and men in their mid-to-late twenties. Anecdotally lots of men and women I chatted with seem to agree — the assumption is that our sexual peaks line up perfectly. (Note: there’s no scientific proof of this, and some researchers entirely debunk the very idea of sexual peaks.)

My own experience is that the older I get, the more young men seem to be interested in me. I don’t think I’m giving out “cougar” vibes, whatever those are, but online and in real life, I get hit on more and more by men in their twenties (even as young as TWENTY, which sometimes freaks me out, and I write about sex for a living.) But I must admit — I kind of dig it.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email  stefanie at ecosalon dot com and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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ColumnSince the #30DayOrgasmChallenge launched in September, one thing has become eminently clear: the benefits of orgasm are impossible to ignore. I’ve been totally floored by the response.

Over the summer, after a lot of research, myriad in-person conversations and Gchats with friends and colleagues, I realized that there is a prevailing dissatisfaction with the state of the orgasm (at least for the mostly cis-gender, heterosexual women I’d been hearing from). So I had an idea: I would ask women to think about their orgasms in an entirely new way — and to follow up it up with action.

The #30DayOrgasmChallenge asked women to re-conceptualize their orgasms as a transformative, health-giving mind/body experience as essential as any other daily practice: like meditation, yoga, juicing… all the stuff that we manage to make time for because we know it’s good for us.

We tend to think of orgasms as a kind of gift — something we sometimes, when we’re lucky, get from an intimate experience. But what if this kind of pleasure were simply a part of your regular routine? Only 25 percent of heterosexual women are likely to have an orgasm from partnered sex, thanks to the orgasm gap. So taking it into our own hands, so to speak — is essential.

This challenge was made for women of all ages – those in their reproductive years and without kids, still reproductive young parents, peri and pre-menopausal – and post-menopause. And all relationship statuses – single, recently divorced, in long-term partnerships, newly dating. The #30DayOrgasmChallenge is a pleasure protocol for every woman.

Our desires fluctuate through the various stages of a relationship — from the “I must jump your bones immediately” phase to the “kinda bored” phase to the “OMG get off of me” phase. Some people call these latter phases “the itch” as in the two-year, five-year, or seven-year-itch. And being in any one of these stages can do a major number on your self-esteem – and with that, kill off what feels like the last of your desire. None of these stages, however, guarantee orgasms for women, which is why we must learn to expect and demand them. It’s essential for women to remember that the waning of your desire for a long-term partner is perfectly normal – and science backs it up. Women tend to get bored even earlier then men, despite the many myths we’ve been fed about our sexuality.

The #30DayOrgasmChallenge was (and still is, because you can start any time) an opportunity to revisit the frontier of your authentic desire nature — to remember who you’ve been and who you might be if you could be anyone you wanted to. Having an orgasm a day for 30 days can show you what your real relationship with pleasure is — exempt from the expectations of your partner, your culture, your body image issues, and other barriers to deeper self-knowledge about what you want and need.

For the initial launch, different women had different goals: some wanted to get to know their own bodies better – solo sex is a really important and necessary tool for teaching your current or future lovers what you want. Some women wanted to experience more intense, longer, and/or deeper orgasms through a daily practice. Some wanted to address diagnosed sexual dysfunction. Some wanted to know if they could achieve vaginal orgasms in addition to clitoral ones. Some wanted to move past shame and guilt. Still others just wanted stress relief, better sleep, and heightened immunity. But all knew that the benefits of orgasm are many and varied, and they simply wanted more of the good stuff.

I’m happy to report that various participants have told me that they’re never going to take the benefits of orgasm for granted again. Many found it to be deeply liberating and consciousness-shifting. I loved the creative directions in which different women took the challenge – a number of people kept a daily journal and wrote about each of their orgasms. Like the famous Morning Pages that many swear by, these “Orgasm Pages” were a place for the women to deposit the images, emotions, and states of awareness they uncovered as they moved through their 30-day journey. A few were even willing to share, like Carolyn Jayne, an artist from Rhode Island. She did more than merely journal – she created visual journals – gorgeous water color paintings for each entry. (Her prints are available for purchase, contact her at cjayneart@yahoo.com). Here’s an excerpt from one — the image is called “Juno’s Pomegranate”.

Day 26 – seems Stefanie’s 30 day challenge has opened new portals of magic and mystery within. As my watercolor art unfolds in perfect timing with my body’s “unfolding”. Or rather that which was previously folded up and put away in a dusty linen closet of yore has been re-opened and rejuvenated.

SG from Seattle had this to say: “The commitment to self-pleasure on an ongoing basis yielded profound shifts within me. Not only did I feel an enriched reconnection with my body and heart, but I felt a more dynamic sense of power and liberation, jewels that came from more deeply rooting the knowledge of my ability to rely upon and treasure myself.” 

Did you take on the #30DayOrgasmChallenge? Will you take the benefits of orgasm to the next level? If so, please share your reactions with me. Let’s change the world for women — one orgasm at a time.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email  stefanie at ecosalon dot com and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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ColumnCold and flu season is almost upon us, but I’m not going to tell you to load up on echinacea or get a flu shot. I’d like to suggest a novel way to boost your immune system – have lots and LOTS of sex.

It’s early fall. You’ve heard that something is going around, and you feel a tickle in your throat. Your first instinct might be to tell your partner to slowly back away, lest you spread those nasty germs. But your instincts, at least in this case, are probably wrong: sex can boost your immune system, helping you ward off those pesky, snotty invaders.

A study from 2004 showed that people who have sex once or twice a week have higher levels of immunoglobulin A, or lgA – one of the most important defenses your body has against invading organisms.

Human touch lowers cortisol, so you don’t even have to go all the way – just a bit of cuddling, stroking and kissing can do the trick — even getting a massage can help. Skin-to-skin touching is the trigger for cortisol support, something we require in the delicate dance of hormonal balance. But getting your orgasm on brings the suite of benefits to a higher level, as you’ll soon see.

Women have it better than dudes when it comes to the immunity game, because we naturally produce estrogen, linked to an enzyme called Caspase-12, which blocks the inflammatory process. (Men do have estrogen, just in much smaller amounts.) And guess what, girls? Having regular sex increases your estrogen, and not the bad kind as we see in estrogen-dominance. The sweet side benefit of all this is that estrogen is good for your skin and your mood. That post-coital glow is really a thing – estrogen helps your body produce collagen. So skip the botox and go for a nice boink instead.

Oxytocin, the chemical released at orgasm, is a pain reliever and stress-reducer. So do your best to make sure that you get the orgasm you deserve when you have sex. Ask for it if it doesn’t seem to be forthcoming – you deserve it. If partnered sex isn’t in the cards for you as often as you’d like, solo sex offers many of the protective immune benefits that you want during cold and flu season – so don’t assume you’re out of luck – you can boost your immune system with self-pleasure, too.

The “more I get, the more I want” principle applies here as well. Estrogen boosts your sex drive – and having sex makes you produce more estrogen. You see how this delightful hormonal merry go round works, do you not? This is in part why we tend to be hornier in the days leading up to ovulation, when our estrogen is surging. Women’s sex drive flattens after ovulation, when progesterone is the major hormonal player. Progesterone makes you sleepy and PMS-y, horny, not so much.

However, if we focus on having lots of sex (or masturbating) throughout the cycle, at minimum once or twice a week, we can boost our immune system by encouraging healthy estrogen levels. There will be peaks and valleys, but having more sex (or solo sex) even when you’re at your peak estrogen level will help you to avoid that libido-plummet that can begin to feel inevitable after ovulation. This is in part why I created the #30DayOrgasmChallenge — to encourage people to have orgasms as early and often as possible.

Sex also improves sleep, and healthy sleep is basically the key to everything that is good and holy – including a strong immune system. A recent study showed that the oxytocin release paired with the cortisol-lowering effects of sex leave your body in a super relaxed state – the perfect conditions for a beautiful night’s rest.

Another sleep-inducing hormone called prolactin floods the brain at orgasm. The whole thing about women being chatty after sex vs. men rolling over and wanting to sleep is probably a bit of cultural programming – sex primes both genders for sleep. The real truth here is that men are probably having more orgasms than women are, and so the women are left wanting while the men’s brains turn off. You can shift this, again, but making sure you get the orgasm you deserve.

This is one-hundred percent anecdotal, but when I caught the abysmal flu that was going around in the winter of 2013, against my better judgment, I had sex. And I swear to the gods of congestion – I was instantly better. Sex did what all my obsessive ginger/garlic eating, green juice drinking, and neti-pot slinging could not. Just sayin’. And last winter I didn’t get sick once – guess why?

This isn’t to say that having loads of sex means you can slack off on the basic rules of cold and flu season, especially hygiene. If this recent study doesn’t freak you out about the important of hand-washing, I don’t know what will.

Will you boost your immune system by adding sex to your anti-cold and flu arsenal this season? Let me know by tweeting at me @ecosexuality.

Here’s to good health (and equal amounts of pleasure).

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie@ecosalon.com and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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ColumnPut away your ice buckets, darlings, because it’s time to take on a much more pleasurable challenge, one that may help you achieve better orgasms – and perhaps create a better world.

How are your orgasms, anyway? Are you having enough of them? Are you having any at all? Are they as good as they used to be? Whether single or partnered or poly, we women tend not to prioritize pleasure. Orgasm is more like the sweet icing on the cake that you hope to taste now and again, but how often do we even take a slice of cake to begin with? I want you to have your cake and eat too. And then have seconds and thirds and fourths and fifths. (Maybe the whole cake.)

I remind myself on the regular that pleasure is not a gift from the universe that’s bestowed from on high; it’s something we must offer to ourselves — something we must demand. Even if we have to use an excuse to take pleasure, or put it on our calendar like a dentist appointment, it should not be back-burnered. I’ve written about it before: orgasm is as important as brushing your teeth and taking off your makeup before bed. It’s as important as your yoga class and your kale salad. It’s both prevention and cure rolled into one. And if yours are meh, there is much you can do to have better orgasms.

Here is an abbreviated list of the health benefits of orgasm, none of which have anything to do with how good they feel:

• Reduces migraine pain

• Improves immunity (cures the common cold)

• Oxytocin = dopamine = better mood

• Regulates menstrual cycle, reduces cramps

Sometimes we don’t give ourselves pleasure because we tell ourselves we’re too tired and we can’t be bothered. The pursuit of better orgasms, or the pursuit of orgasms, period, can be a huge problem for partnered people. Solo sex is fraught when you have a partner who is supposed to be your pleasure-provider. Some people who are relatively comfortable with partnered sex retain Catholic guilt (no matter their religion) about masturbation in any form.

The list of excuses is long: I can’t reach for my orgasm because my husband/boyfriend/girlfriend is going to be jealous or angry or just annoyed. Or I had one yesterday. Or I had one last week. Or I’m too busy. Or the kids need me. Or work needs me. Or I’ll just take care of it tomorrow. Or I don’t feel attractive enough: I’m not even attracted to myself.

There are endless reasons we subconsciously “forget” to seek orgasms. Ask yourself: Is sexual shame the reason you conveniently “forget” to include pleasure in your life every day?

Some women want orgasms, or think they want them, but then try and can’t have them. Some used to have them but don’t anymore — boredom or frustration with a partner is a common cause. Anorgasmia is sadly extremely common for women. Sexual dysfunction can be physiological, but most often it’s psychological. Sometimes a woman presents as depressed, with low libido, and is given an anti-depressant as a cure – which then depletes her libido even more. Many women just throw in the towel at this stage, assuming sexual pleasure must be given up: better orgasms just aren’t in the cards. A lot of women give up at menopause, assuming that what our culture says about women of a certain age is true (hint: it’s definitely not true).

Here is what I’m proposing: that we take our orgasms, and thus our lives, to the next level with what I’m calling the #30DayOrgasmChallenge. In the spirit of recent challenges — ice bucket, cinnamon, Mentos, and Diet Coke included, some for good causes and some just absurd, I offer you the one challenge that cannot hurt you — it can only make you feel sublime. (Unless you have some kind of unfortunate sex toy fail.) You don’t have to make a video of your challenge (unless that’s how you roll).

Think of the #30DayOrgasmChallenge like a month-long telethon. You should share your milestones, if you’re so inclined. Tweet it, post on Facebook, and/or record your progress on your Tumblr. Raise money like you would for a 5k run for charity — and donate it to Lady Parts Justice or Planned Parenthood. But more important, just do it: have one orgasm a day for the next 30 days. Start whenever you feel the call, but some options are (if you’re menstruating) on the first day of your cycle or right after your period. If you’re past your reproductive years you might want to begin on the next new or full moon.

You can link to this article and post something like this: I’m taking the #30DayOrgasmChallenge to raise money for for women’s health and reproductive justice. Donate to an excellent cause, cheer me on, and I’ll update you on my daily progress!

Break out your toys, your fingers, your partner’s fingers (and other parts), your trusty bathroom faucet. Promise yourself that once a day, every single day for the next thirty days, you will make an effort to have an orgasm. Whether your current orgasms are awesomely toe-curling, boring and reliable as reruns of “Friends”, or barely there, getting into this daily practice will, if nothing else, bring you into intimate contact with what makes your pleasure tick and click. Like a yoga or meditation practice, the #30DayOrgasmChallenge deepens as it goes. Speaking of meditation, another option for your orgasms is orgasmic meditation. (Read about it here and here.)

Women are very often told that a sexual dysfunction is their fate. A very normal erosion of attraction to a long-term partner doesn’t have to end your sex life, however. That thing they told you about attraction lasting forever, as long as you have good companionship — that was a load of bunk. Science is showing us in a variety of ways how women are more libidinous than men, but not just that — that we actually require sexual variety more than men. We’ve been taught the reverse. There is a lot of unlearning to do before we can fully claim our pleasure without negotiation, handwringing, and shame.

Yet more reasons to take the #30DayOrgasmChallenge, and tell your friends to take it too. There’s no official start date, but when you begin, tweet me @ecosexuality with the hashtag #30DayOrgasmChallenge or #PleasurePractice. I’m going to do a follow up and share your stories in early October. Let’s change the world, one orgasm at a time.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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ColumnCraving better orgasms? Or just craving orgasms, period? You’re not alone.

Pleasure is a right, not a privilege, and Matthew Gerson, formerly of Sir Richard’s Condoms, created Foria, a cannabis-infused natural lubricant, on that premise. I chatted with him about the rollout of his breakthrough product, the epidemic of anorgasmic women, and how we can begin to shift the paradigm toward pleasure. (Full disclosure, Matthew is a friend of mine.)

Stefanie Weiss: What inspired the creation of FORIA?

Matthew Gerson:  Foria was inspired by a long walk on the beach. Seriously though, it was during my dawn dog walks that I began to think about the possibility of using cannabis in a way that might address the needs of 50 percent of the adult female population in the U.S.

I spent a few years running the Sir Richard’s Condom Co. and during that time had the opportunity to speak with thousands of people about their intimate lives. During that time it was brought to my attention how unbalanced the FDA has been with regards to putting out safe and effective medicines for female sexual challenges. My personal use of cannabis as a sensual enhancer led me to research its historical use as an aphrodisiac, which dates back thousands of years into Asia. This is a plant that has been identified by countless cultures for its benefits to human sexuality and our quest for heightened pleasure and wellness.

SW: Why do you think that Viagra/Cialis et al. have been approved and on the market for so many years, and nothing exists for women?

MG: One of the books I was reading when developing Foria was “What Women Really Want, The Science of Female Desire.” It takes a deep look at the sexual issues facing women in the U.S. and has a pretty critical assessment of the FDA’s handling of what appears to be a national crisis. There is a great organization that is bringing attention to the disparity and possible latent sexism at the FDA. This is a very charged and complex subject and I recommend checking them out and supporting their efforts. (Eventhescore.org)

I see sexual health and orgasm as a part of the arc of wellness that we are all seeking in our lives. This seems to be the emergent trend within modern medical circles. Historically sexuality was left out of the conversation on basic approaches to health and wellness and was something that had to be hidden from view. This compartmentalizing has created huge obstacles for us as a culture to overcome, ones that we are only now starting to recognize.

SW: Have most of your customers been women who have trouble achieving orgasm rather than people who want to use FORIA recreationally? Have women with sexual imbalances (I prefer this term to “dysfunction”actually) reported that FORIA has helped?

MG: Our test groups included women across the pleasure spectrum between ages 21 and 70. The results that these women were experiencing was the fuel that kept us going through all of the legal and economic challenges that one faces when working in the cannabis industry. As plant medicine seems to work “with” the body as opposed to “on” the body each users experience is quite unique and we have found that the best person to talk to about Foria is a current user! As you know Stefanie, there is so much shaming in the sex space and we strive to not create expectations for what the plant will or will not do for our patients. We strive instead to create an open and safe opportunity for women to try Foria and see how it works with them and their specific needs. So far, this approach really seems to be working as the majority of our patients are referrals from other users.

SW: Do you believe there is an epidemic of anorgasmic women? Can we find a way to have better orgasms? 

MG: Stress, pace of living in the digital era, environmental toxins with unknown effects on human sexual response, sex as a consumer activity, a cultural lack of body-based intelligence, horrendous sexual education standards, did I mention stress? Yes, living in the modern world we are dealing with some intense conditions that don’t make for easy access to orgasms for any of us, men or women.

SW: Do you think that FORIA and products like it will eventually have broader impact on the movement to develop research around women’s sexual imbalance?

MG: This is our desire. We would love to work with a university to get this type of research underway. There is so much we don’t know about cannabis and it’s relationship to female sexual function, there is so much possibility here and it is very exciting.

SW: Have menopausal women been using FORIA? Does it help with lubrication simply because of the coconut oil, or is there a property in the THC/cannabinoids that enhances lubrication?

MG: Yes, menopausal women have been some of our strongest advocates. They are reporting that for many it does help with dryness, loss of sensation as well as access to orgasm. The liquid coconut oil is certainly a great natural lubricant on it’s own. The “entourage effect” of the various cannabinoids might also be a primary factor in this response. Without further research all we have is the feedback from our users so it is not possible to say at this time.

SW: How often can one use FORIA without building up a tolerance?

MG: Foria use should be dictated by the specific needs of the individual. Tolerance would be a based on a multitude of factors such as, historical use of cannabis, strength of dosage for use, consistency of usage, body type, other health conditions, etc. As with other uses of marijuana both as medicine and for recreational purposes, the relationship with your unique body will vary quite dramatically from person to person.

SW: I haven’t smoked weed in a decade —am I likely to be more sensitive to FORIA?

MG: It is a good possibility and it really depends on how you use it. While taking Foria orally brings about a similar result to eating marijuana infused products, the interesting thing with using Foria as a topical application directly onto the vulva is that the overwhelming majority of our users and testers do not report any type of mental “high.” The primary effects are grounded in the body; heightened sensation leading up to and during orgasm as well as a body euphoria and feeling of deep relaxation.

SW: Medical marijuana was just approved in New York State (YAY) —do you have plans to make FORIA available here? Follow up —do you suspect more states will legalize and will you attempt to get it on the market shortly after?

MG: We are all standing on the shoulders of giants. Patient rights’ advocates, activists, historians, lawyers and conscientious law enforcement agents, countless people over the past five decades have committed so much of their lives so that the full potential of cannabis as medicine can be realized.

Personally, when I look at this movement and how rapidly public opinion is changing in favor of legalization, I see a movement that is powered by empathy. One that demands access to a plant that has real potential to mitigate the suffering of countless of Americans with various forms of challenges and serious ailments. A movement fueled by empathy crosses all party, philosophical and religious lines and is pretty much unstoppable. So yes, legalization on the national level will be a reality in our lifetime.

As for Foria, we are looking at other ways in which we might be able to make our medicinal available in as many states as possible. Colorado and Washington are the next two markets that we hope to be entering within the next few months.

SW: Thank you, Matthew!

MG: Thank you, Stefanie.

I’m so thrilled that there is a growing movement intent on providing shame-free pleasure to all. From Foria to orgasmic mediation to scholarship about women’s desire and libido, orgasm is becoming more accessible to those of us that haven’t been able to have it. Foria can be used with a partner or for solo sex — making it even more user-friendly. And that equals better orgasms for all of us — no one should be barred from this peak experience. If you’ve struggled with finding your orgasm, or you’d like to experience deeper, more profound orgasmic peaks, there’s something out there for you, and your biggest O yet.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie at ecosalon dot com, and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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The post Can this Plant Give You Better Orgasms? Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnDo men obsess about their penis size because women made it that way? Not so much.

Penis size is a prickly issue (pun most definitely intended and I’ll just go ahead and apologize in advance for the rest of them right now.)

If you Google the phrase “penis size” you’ll get an inordinate amount of hits. We all know the Internet is fueled by porn and cats, but I’m starting to think that penis size queries are a close third. Men are worried about this – very, very worried. And don’t forget that the penis pill and pump industry relies on the rampant insecurity of penised-persons.

A recent study claims that for one-night stands, women prefer bigger penises. The interesting bit about this particular study (based on only 41 women, so certainly not comprehensive) was that the women were more interested in girth, not length. This study was novel in that it used penis models made from a 3-D printer (really). Most other studies about penis size preference have relied on images or surveys with vague language like “small”, “medium”, and “large” – not the handling of mock phalluses. To tell the truth, you’ve got to get your hands on them.

Sexuality studies are important, and we need more of them. However, the media often distorts the material, disseminating the information in a titillating manner that does a disservice to all of us. Making sexuality studies into clickbait may increase advertising dollars, but it doesn’t give us much clarity about the questions that plague us – with the most important one – “Am I desirable?” – at the top of the list.

A man’s member plays a huge (ahem) role in his self-esteem and overall body image, and if he believes that it does not measure up, it can open the floodgates to self-flagellation. And if he does indeed have what he believes women want, this same imaginary man might be a bit more cocky than he deserves to be. (I told you I’d be unapologetic about the puns.)

The thing is, both men and women overestimate and underestimate penis size, depending on the situation. For instance, in the study in question, women were asked to fill out a ten-minute survey after handling the fake penises. After taking the survey, they tended to overestimate the size of the “penis” they’d handled.

Penis size varies with ethnicity, height, and a variety of other factors. It’s a genetic lottery – so obsessing about it doesn’t do anyone any service. If men were more focused on providing pleasure to their partners via other means that just penetration, perhaps this would be less of an issue. Many men seem to have missed the memo — most women orgasm via clitoral stimulation, which is rarely achieved through the old in-out method. If your man’s penis isn’t bringing you to orgasm, it’s not about its length or girth, most likely — it’s that your dude is lazy and/or doesn’t understand how your body works — teach him!

Masculinity, as I recently discussed, is deep in crisis. If we could get our boys and men to stop measuring their members, we might be able to fix some of what’s broken in our culture — or at least start. I know this is a cliche, but I believe that we’d spend less money on the defense budget if we could get dudes to put away the ruler.

Millions of men continue to feel inadequate about something that they shouldn’t even be focused on, if pleasure is the first prerogative. The hands and mouth can provide a lot more bang for their buck than the penis, if one cares to learn to use them the right way. Don’t forget that there’s a new “right way” with every woman – not everyone wants their partner to mouth the alphabet with their tongue – asking questions and listening to your lover’s requests is far more important than the size and shape of any body part.

Tell all the men: Every vagina is shaped differently, and can accommodate a different sized penis. One woman’s “size queen” status is another woman’s “It’s not the size of the ship, it’s the motion of the ocean.”

I like to tell the story of “Goldilocks and the Three Penises.” (Names of penis-owners will remain anonymous.) When I met my first penis, I said to myself (definitely not to the boy attached to the penis) “Well, this penis is way too small.” When I came upon another penis some time later, I said, perhaps out loud, “My oh my, this penis is way too large!” But then, lucky me, I came upon the perfect penis, and that, my friends, is the one that I lost my virginity to (and dated for seven years). It was just right – for me.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie at ecosalon dot com, and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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The post What Women Want in Penis Size is Just the Tip (of the Iceberg): Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnExercising healthy communication skills can be quite a challenge when it comes to your sex life – both in established relationships and casual flings. Even your one-night-stands can stand a bit of straight talk. How do you say what you mean and get what you want every time?

We don’t like to talk about sex because we’re taught that love is magic, and why would you want to ruin a perfectly good fairy tale by dissecting it? Even when your sex doesn’t come with a heaping side order of romance, talking about it is still confusing and laden with emotional triggers.

Love and sex — separate entities — are so tied together in our consciousness that it can feel impossible to parse what belongs where. Our self-esteem is inextricably linked to the idea of being “wanted” – not being up-voted in bed can leave you feeling like a failure. But if you talk about it – before, during and after the act – you can change almost everything about your sex life.

We’re supposed to instantly understand our lover’s quirks, their body’s secret needs, their unspoken fantasies. Women are taught that we’re meant to just show up and perform – especially because most of us are playing out the Madonna-Whore complex in all our waking moments. In bed we are in the role of the whore – who is always a sexual genius.

Women are culturally conditioned not to speak up at all. Especially in heterosexual partnerships, many of our relationship conflicts are born out of a tendency to only use non-verbal signals to express our anger. We hope/expect our male partners to just get it, and when they don’t read our minds, we get even angrier. I suspect that it’s because we’re afraid of being labeled as nags that we begin to keep our complaints to ourselves – in and out of bed.

Have you ever suffered through painful sex (not the good kind) just because you didn’t want to tell your partner to shift positions? Or let someone go down on you in a way that was just so very wrong – but you didn’t want to hurt their feelings? Have you endured weeks or months or years of boring or just plain bad sex because there was something about the relationship – comfort, even financial security – that kept you there? You deserve better – but you have to be willing to ask for it.

I believe all women should have one-night-stands at least five to ten times (or more) in their lives. The reason is simple – in a one-night-stand you have nothing to lose emotionally. You can say, “Shift to the right.” “I like it when you x, y, z.” “I want to stop now, please.” “This is how I get off.” “Use this toy.” “Thanks for the orgasm! Now you can leave.”

We’ve been hearing so much about hookup culture on campus in recent years, and from what everyone’s saying, it seems like women’s pleasure isn’t much of a priority. But in one-night-stands, you can learn to improve communication skills and speak up about what you want and what you don’t want without having to worry about what it means for the rest of your days. Consider it the Rosetta Stone for your future love/sex life. This is you practicing before your trip to Italy, so you can flawlessly order yourself a gorgeous meal of pasta and vino when you arrive. Practice is vital — whether you visit for two weeks or fall madly in love and stay forever.

But say you’re in a long-term relationship – one of those unicorn situations in which you and your partner had perfect chemistry and nothing needed to be explained. Now you’re two or five-years in and the passion seems gone, for good. Because you once had the magic, it might be even harder to discuss why it’s not instantly available anymore. In situations like this, each partner tends to back away into their own quiet, sullen corner. The only way to break the silence is to get brave and broach it.

Sure, you’re probably afraid that your partner isn’t attracted to you anymore – but guess what? He/she may be thinking the exact same thing. And another thing – it’s normal for attraction to wane over the course of years – even more so for women than for men. We’ve been taught the opposite – that men will always get bored first, and thus stray first. It’s a load of bunk, like so many other sexual myths we’ve been fed.

If you’re addressing a problem – telling your partner that something they do doesn’t feel right – it’s normal to feel a hint of concern. But what goes unspoken is almost always worse than the words themselves. Talk it out, get feedback, and listen without being reactive.

Talking is not unsexy. A frank conversation about sex doesn’t have to feel as awkward as your nerdy teacher putting a condom on a banana in health class. Even if you’re not usually verbal while in the act, talking about sex out of bed can encourage you to speak up while naked – which can make sex a whole lot hotter.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie@ecosalon.com and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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The post Improve Your Communication Skills and Save Your Sex Life: Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnHave you serviced yourself today? May is National Masturbation Month, so let’s intimately examine the art of self-pleasure. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, masturbation is not just free – solo sex may be the key to glowing health (and enduring happiness).

No matter how graphic, vulgar, and hyper-sexualized our culture is, masturbation, at least for women, still elicits a collective blush. Why are we so embarrassed about something so natural and accessible? Despite Betty Dodson’s groundbreaking work to liberate female masturbation in the sixties and seventies, solo sex remains one of our biggest taboos.

Notice how you’re comfortable meeting your girlfriends for brunch to dish on the details of last night’s hookup, yet that you’d NEVER say, “I had the most amazing orgasm with my vibrator last night.” Many of us touch ourselves, but we do it in the dark of night under the covers and we never speak of it.

But men, of course, have a long list of comfortable colloquialisms to describe masturbation, because for them, it’s no big deal. From “choking the chicken” to “buffing the banana” to “charming the snake”, there is an endless list of euphemisms to describe a man’s obsessive relationship with his penis. Sadly, we women have few to none. Let’s work on getting a room of our own (in which to diddle). I vote to start with “driving Miss Daisy.”

The initial shame we felt when we first discovered our bodies as teens often lingers. Somehow self-pleasure is much dirtier than sex with someone else – sex that is often performative and loaded with body image obsession, especially in the early stages of a relationship. And it’s a damn shame, because masturbation is one of the only ways to guarantee an orgasm. Why would you want to deny yourself the endless health benefits of the Big O?

Let us name just a few awesome side effects of the humble orgasm. Studies have shown that getting off is:

• Immune-boosting
• Good for sleep (thanks to prolactin)
• Promotes longer life (seriously)
• Brings brainpower
• Lowers blood pressure
• Improves digestion
• Anti-inflammatory
• Promotes youthfulness (better than Botox)

You can thank oxytocin, sometimes called the “love hormone” for many of the fringe benefits listed above. But orgasms also have social benefits – they are thought to enhance your confidence and connection to others. And it goes without saying – it deeply enhances your partnered sex life. A woman who knows her body and understands how to give it pleasure is duly equipped for mind-blowing sex.

Ready to make masturbation your next juice cleanse? Instead of a 30-Day Detox, try a 30-Day Masturbate-a-thon. If you don’t own a vibrator, consider picking up one of these amazing sustainable, body-safe options from my favorite sex toy company, Jimmyjane. If you know that you want to explore g-spot orgasms, choose a model that speaks to that need. If you plan to focus on clitoral stimulation, there are plenty of tools for that too. Other questions to consider – will you create a self-made fantasy, check out some porn (the feminist kind, of course) or employ some other mode of imaginative stimulation? Experiment, especially if you’re used to just one way of doing it — don’t get stuck in a masturbation rut.

Of course, you don’t need to spend any money at all on this endeavor. If you don’t plan to get fancy, your humble hand is your best friend – as is your shower-head. The key is to have a time and place set aside for your sessions, which I’d like you to think of exactly like your yoga or meditation practice. If you’re the type that would never skip a day of Ashtanga, you can certainly find a few minutes each evening before bed, or first thing in the morning, to “drive Miss Daisy.” Adjustments, of course, need to be made for partners, roommates, kids, and pets – but if dudes can manage it, you can too.

Go ahead — get your glow on, girls, and report back to me about how it went. Tweet using hashtag #nostigma to @ecosexuality.

FYI: The inimitable, 85-year old Betty Dodson is bringing back her famous BodySex workshops.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email  stefanie at ecosalon dot com and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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