When the world is in unrest, people start taking action. And some of that action is more esoteric than other forms of action.

Cast a spell on hate

Early this year, Lana Del Ray announced that she planned on using witchcraft to thwart Donald Trump. She asked witches all over the world to join her at midnight on February 24th, March 26th, April 24th, and May 23rd, all waning crescent moon dates, to place a binding spell on Trump.

The callout was in support of a group of occultists’ efforts to bind the president from doing harm. The spell, if you’re curious as there are still a handful of waning crescent moons in 2017, includes the following implements:

• An unflattering photograph of Donald Trump
• A small bowl of water
• A small nail
• A tiny stub of an orange candle
• A Tower tarot card

Del Ray also used the waning crescent for a bit of subtle self promotion, too. Her latest album, “Lust for Life,” came out of July 21, another 2017 waning crescent moon date.

Celebrity witches… Real or Rumored?

Lana Del Ray isn’t the first famous woman — or man — to dabble in witchcraft.

Bjork, another ethereal singer who showcases her unabashed love for the Earth — especially Iceland’s highlands — has spoken about her interest in witchcraft.

Fairuza Balk, who most millennials know as Nancy from “The Craft”, is rumored to be a real-life witch, as well.

And it should go without saying that Stevie Nicks, singer/songwriter and general legend, is known to be the ultimate, modern day female witch… Even though Nicks still denies she follows the craft.

The common, witchy thread that connects us all

Most witches want to use their powers for good. Whether it’s Del Ray and her fellow occultist comrades, strong feminist women in a friendly coven, or Bjork and her desire to heal the planet, most spells witches cast are all about putting positive energy back into the universe.

And if we’re all being honest, the world could use a bit more positivity these days.

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Show your disdain for the patriarchy with your love for the female body and all its greatness with this anatomy-themed merchandise.

When men are continuing to make decisions about women’s reproductive rights and health, and a narcissistic sociopath is slated to become our nation’s next president, I think it’s pretty evident that we still have a patriarchy on our hands. According to the Washington Post, by the middle of 2016, 14 states had already passed laws to make getting an abortion more difficult. From lengthening the waiting period to outright bans, women are facing harsher restrictions, and it doesn’t look to be slowing down anytime soon. If that’s not enough to get you all riled up, then maybe the recent tidbit about Texas possibly requiring a proper burial of aborted fetuses will.

Whatever it is that lights your fire, we can probably all agree that girl power during trying times is a must. Whether you decide to protest, donate, volunteer, or show off the power of your femininity in some other way, we’ve got plenty of pro-female anatomy merch that you’ll want to wear, display, gift, and flaunt in every way possible.

1. Little V Ring

This piece may be dainty, but the message is clear: all vulvas are unique and beautiful. Handcrafted from brass, the detail in this beautiful ring is evident. Plus, it’s very of-the-moment, and would look great alongside a handful of tiny stacked rings. My favorite part? She didn’t forget the all-important clitoris. Priced at $42.

2. Poontone Pins

If you’ve ever felt the need to wear a badge that matches the color of your poontang, then you most definitely need a Poontone pin. Have an artsy friend? A group of BFFs you could totally share these with? Or another great reason (like none at all) to buy one of these? It’s as simple as picking the color that best matches your nether region and customizing the name. That, or roll with the one that’s provided. “Rose Bud” actually has a nice ring to it. Priced at $3.

3. Vajay Calendar

These whimsical O’Keefe-esque fine art prints have been turned into a lovely calendar. This is a 2017 must-have for displaying in your home office. Thanks to the lively and colorful depictions, you’ll be excited to see a colorful new Vajayjay month after month. Priced at $29.  

4. Boob Earrings

Free the nipple with these adorable boobie earrings. Give them to a breastfeeding mom, breast cancer survivor, your feminist girlfriend, or anyone who will appreciate a pair of knockers, including yourself. These are handcrafted from porcelain and are made for pierced ears. Priced at $35.

5. Ovary Embroidery

Throw up the “Ovary Squad” sign and represent the girl gang with one of these embroidered tapestries. The seller stitches these by hand and even lets you customize the colors. These make great gifts or little bits of woman-positive home decor. Priced at $35.

6. Uterus Print

This life-giving organ is a beautiful thing — and deciding to continue with making room for a baby should be entirely yours to make. Whether you’ve given birth or not, we can agree that it’s definitely where we all began, so why not celebrate how lovely it can be? This anatomy print is gorgeous and flowery and great for framing. Priced at $7.99.

7. Period Pin

Periods happen, whether we like them or not, and menstrual cups are great alternatives to chemical-laden disposable pads and tampons. This one happens to be super glittery and cute, which kinda makes menstruating a little bit better. It would be a sweet backpack, lapel, or jacket accessory. Priced at $12.52.

8. Ovary Sticker

After “Parks and Recreation” star Leslie Knope so keenly quipped, “Brovaries before ovaries,” it was as though the saying was etched into social media stone. And wouldn’t ya know it can now be displayed in the form of a reusable vinyl sticker. Give them as gifts, or plaster them all over your car door windows. Priced at $3.50.

9. Vulva Pillow

Snuggle up with this abstract rendition of the vulva. The high contrast print will fit right in to a contemporary setting, and add a touch of cheeky modern style to your space. Bold in print, yet subtle on the vag detection, this is one piece of decor you might be able to sneak past your in-laws. Priced at $68.

Smashing the patriarchy isn’t as easy as buying a symbolic token, but it’s a step in the right direction, especially if you’re looking for an ice-breaker or a way to get people talking about what matters. Let us know your thoughts on the EcoSalon Facebook page!

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ColumnWhat do women really want? That is a question that has long been mired in confusion and even subterfuge.

You can blame the usual suspects: porn, patriarchy, and patent disregard for women’s voices through many centuries. But the truth is that “wanting to be wanted” may be sabotaging your relationships and sex life more than you realize.

I first came across the “wanting to be wanted” syndrome a few years ago when I read a book with exactly that phrase in the title. It was called “Women and Desire: Beyond Wanting to Be Wanted” by Polly Young-Eisendrath. This idea struck a deep chord with me, someone who’d always prided myself on knowing exactly what I wanted – and asking for it. At least I thought so.

I’d always taken my desires at face value — not just my sexual desires, but my desire to be successful, to be powerful, to take up space. Sure, as a feminist I already understood that there were many barriers to accessing such power thanks to patriarchy. But I didn’t quite understand how I was being played like a fiddle — and that I didn’t actually know what I wanted. What women really want, I realized over time, is not immediately accessible to us — we often have to work backwards to unmask our desires.

At that time, if you’d asked me, “What do women really want?” I would have struggled to give you an answer that was about me. I wanted to be good, to be desirable, I wanted people to want me — boyfriends, bosses, etc. But what I actually wanted was another matter — one that was still hidden in my unconscious.

“Wanting to be wanted” is a hidden disease far too many women have – it’s endemic, even among the most successful women – the ones that supposedly “have it all.” Dr. Eisendrath, a Jungian psychotherapist, writes about the archetype of the bitch-hag (a cousin of the Madonna-Whore complex). Bitch-hag is a label we desperately want to avoid as we negotiate our relationships, carefully hiding our true desires from our partners and family. Asking for anything is asking for too much – we are fearful of becoming the prototypical nag from hell. We don’t want to be cast in that role, because then we’d be cast out – rejected – no longer wanted.

I think about the scene in “Bridesmaids” where Kristen Wiig wakes up in bed with Jon Hamm, and runs to the bathroom to apply her makeup while he’s still asleep. Then she gets back into bed, arranges herself just so, with her arm falling over the pillow in a feminine arch, and yawns gently, waking him so he’ll see how gorgeous she is — “naturally”. Before “I woke up like this” became a meme, this scene revealed one uncomfortable truth about wanting to be wanted. The night before, they had terrible sex. But Wiig’s character doesn’t care – she just wants him to want her, even though he is basically the archetype of a douchebag. To be wanted, even by an archetypal douchebag, is enough.

When asked what they want, many women answer by telling stories about what other people around them want or need.

What do you want?

I want my children to be happy and safe.

What do you want?

I want my boyfriend to want to have more sex with me.

What do you want?

I want my boss to realize my worth and give me a raise.

Dr. Eisendrath says: “Wanting to be wanted is about finding our power in an image rather than a in our own actions.” It’s inextricably linked to male gaze: we do not see ourselves, or other women, as we are — we see ourselves through lens of men’s desires and expectations.

Wanting to be wanted isn’t a defining characteristic of womanhood as Lacan, a famous and infamously sexist psychotherapist posited  – it’s just what happens to women in a world where we have never been allowed to be powerful. We are not expected to want pleasure — we are expected to be pleasing. That’s how we get our likes, that’s how we’re “favorited” when we’re offline. Then we go like hungry ghosts to Facebook to collect more, especially if we’re not getting enough from the people who are supposed to love us.

We sacrifice so much in order to be liked — to be good girlfriends, good wives, good mothers and friends. We do this so often it becomes normative, even though it’s a pathology. Then we are angry, resentful, out of touch with our bodies, dead inside. Our libido can wither away after years of not feeding it what it truly desires.

The good news is that you can get it back, even if you’ve spent a lifetime giving it away. What women really want can has no monolithic answer, as Freud or Mel Gibson might expect. What women really want, rather, must come from each of us taking an individual journey of discovery. Putting aside images, putting aside other people’s needs, putting aside  “wanting to be wanted” finally and forever.

You can start by asking yourself the question: “What do I want?” and trying to answer honestly. If you feel yourself wondering or hedging, or coming up with answers that revolve around other people’s desires, reflect. How did you learn to be that way? Watching your parents relate? Watching too many rom-coms? Getting positive, albeit temporary feedback from partners past and present?

Reading books like Ms. Young-Eisendrath’s and the seminal “What Do Women Want: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire” by Daniel Bergner can offer a fresh start and intellectual immersion in your relationship to your desire.

Experimenting with masturbation, fantasy, sensuality, tantra and more can also help you get there at your own pace. Remember — it’s not a race, and the only way to win is to peel back the layers of what you really want, until you’re in absolute, authentic touch with what you need.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie at ecosalon dot com and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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The post What Do Women Really Want in ‘Being Wanted’? Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnWe’re in the midst of major teachable moment, thanks to the sheer awfulness of the recent Isla Vista event and #YesAllWomen, the viral hashtag that followed in its wake. Toxic masculinity is finally getting the analysis it deserves – but what does it mean for your love and sex life?

Let me start by saying that although this column is in part about finding compassion for the experience of men and boys, it’s not in any way excusing harassment and violence (both online and off).

Work must be done, legislatively and otherwise, to completely alter the landscape of male privilege — we must end all affronts to women’s bodies. Yet I want us to take this conversation to the next level – which is to say a deeper level. Let’s unpack what toxic masculinity means for your love and sex life.

Several men I know have recently teased me about how often I refer to patriarchy in this column – “What’s the question? I don’t know, but according to Stefanie, the answer is definitely patriarchy.” I don’t bristle at the criticism because I realize that I’ve mostly spoken about the way patriarchy, that all-pervasive personal/political bedrock philosophy of most of recorded history – affects women. But our boyfriends, our husbands, our fathers, brothers, cousins, sons and co-workers – patriarchy hurts them too. Not to mention the dudes and bros – the most entitled and unconscious first-world men.

An easy way to get inside of the raw angst of so many women in the wake of not just Isla Vista, but a growing global rape culture, rampant misogyny, the PUA and men’s rights movements, and unprecedented online harassment of any woman who dares label herself a feminist, is via this disturbing Margaret Atwood quote:

Men fear being laughed at by women. Women fear being killed by men.

Pretty much sums it up, doesn’t it? Sixty-four percent of women who are murdered are killed by a current or past intimate partner. When men are murdered, it’s usually by strangers. Why are women so afraid of being killed by men, particularly men that they are/have been intimate with? A chilling quote from Elliot Rodger’s manifesto hints at it:

Girls gave their affection, and sex, and love, to other men but never to me.

The operative word here is “gave.” Although this is the rant of a mentally ill sociopath, it’s also the underpinning of many of our assumptions about heterosexual relationships and about male “ownership” of female bodies. Even the healthiest of us are socialized to believe that women’s bodies are not truly their own. In this way, Rodger’s belief system is part of a continuum — he just took it to its most deadly extreme.

In this model of sexuality – let’s call it the “Don’t give the milk away for free” model – women possess a commodity that men need. Sex between consenting adults, whether it’s a casual hookup or sex within the confines of a traditional marriage, is best when it’s not transactional. Unless the transaction is agreed upon at the outset – most often with a sex worker. (Not that that there’s anything wrong with that!)

The deeply ingrained idea that men always want sex more than women want sex is part of the problem. We are objects, not subjects. We are cast in a role, not directing. It instantly objectifies us before anyone has been exposed to a perfume ad of a photoshopped woman’s torso. This myth of women holding their sex for ransom is older than Eve. Scientific data continues to reveal the true breadth of women’s desire, the fact that women get sexually bored faster than men do, and that our libidos and need for novelty are far more intense than we’ve ever acknowledged. Our capacity for pleasure is still a secret to most of us.

Women are not merchandise in the marketplace of sex – we are sexual beings with agency. We have desires. We teach our girls that only boys have needs, and that as girls, it is their duty to fulfill them. We don’t give girls the chance to chart the map of their own desire. And what of the boys?

We pathologize sex and yet teach boys that they’re supposed to be sexual aggressors. We tell them that they will want girls more than girls want them. We tell them that this wanting will rule them, that if they don’t feel it all the time, there is something wrong with them. We tell them that their desire is not just ever-present, but that’s it’s a dangerous threat. (This is the ethos behind the veil in Middle Eastern countries – women are such tempting, delicious treats that men cannot control themselves – so they must literally be hidden from view.)

Having your emotions shut down when you’re a young male child, being taught that crying is “gay” or that compassion makes you a “fag” – that kind of early patterning can cause some serious damage. It’s bad enough when a person’s actual sexual orientation is in the crosshairs of bullying, but even for young boys who will be straight men – being taught not to feel can do long-term damage. Stop for a moment and think about what may have happened to the men in your life when they first understood that sensitivity was for suckers.

Think about your boyfriend, your exes, your father, your brother, your male co-workers – all the cis-gendered, heterosexual men in your life. How many times have you seen one of them cry? With Father’s Day coming up next week, it’s a really opportune moment for us to examine the deeper implications of masculinity not just in our culture, but in one-to-one interactions with the men we know.

If you are a woman who dates and sleeps with men – examining your own assumptions about masculinity can help you transform your relationships. Start by looking at any gross generalizations that you have about the men in your life, and then work backwards – why do you feel that way?

I’ll get us started – mine has often been: “Men are 12.” I throw this one around casually, based on how excited one of my exes still gets about GI Joe at the age of 42, and how my father still likes to play video games. I often say this without necessarily examining the deeper implications of boyhood/manhood, and what it means to “be a man”.

What does it mean to be wounded but to have to cover up that wound so that no one ever sees it? The shame women feel about their bodies, about being not beautiful enough, is perhaps equivalent to the shame men feel about being perceived as weak.

What does it mean to always have to be dominant, aggressive, always the initiator? Not just in bars, where an old-fashion dating dance still seems to rule the roost – the men approach, the women decide. We sometimes choose to break through these boundaries and are called rebels for it – but what if we could move closer to overall equanimity here?

We want our men to understand why we are feminists, and why they should want to be feminists too. But the learning curve is steep, the reverse socialization fraught with psychological landmines. Boys are made to feel that being sexually predatory is not just required, but that they aren’t “real men” if can’t “get” girls.

What if we began to shift this language in our pop culture? We still talk about how our rom-coms are best when the guy “gets the girl” in the end. If girls are taught that they are not objects on the sales rack of sexuality, and boys are taught they are not consumers in this toxic marketplace, we’ll start to wring some toxicity from our relationships, our sex lives, and the culture at large. And it all begins with you.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie at ecosalon dot com, and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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The post Toxic Masculinity and Your Sex Life: How Do They Relate? Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnStereotypes about female sexuality are mostly a load of bunk, and they’re hurting our sex and love lives. ENOUGH ALREADY.

If you still believe that men are the horny ones – the ones that “can’t keep it in their pants” or only “think with their d**ks,” you’ve been brainwashed, and I would like to un-wash your brain. We’ve been socialized to believe that women are less libidinous, more marriage-minded, and wired to crave romance and/or nurturing — not sex.

The truth is that women are likely more libidinous than men, and many desire multiple partners, sometimes at the same time, and sometimes as serial monogamists. (Science is beginning to back this up – they’ve only just begun to study it.) Shocked? Don’t be — explore it and own it if you feel it. Women are also multi-orgasmic, and possess the only body part whose sole purpose is pleasure (the clitoris). And our sexuality doesn’t turn off like a switch at menopause.

There are a lot of myths to bust.

It’s all quite ironic that we continue to believe women want sex less than men, given the hard work that the Greeks, Romans, early (and late) Christians, Jews, and Muslims and others have done to convince us that women’s unrestrained sexual desire can only be tamed by male ownership of female bodies. After a few centuries hunting witches they switched it up yet again – women were to be perceived as perfect little princesses, yet they had to be harnessed in corsets. These women eventually became the “happy” housewives of the ’50s, who were corseted in new ways.

Then we got the pill and a lot changed, but the pervasiveness of the beauty myth continues to keep us in chains. (Note: I’m talking mainly about the arc of women’s sexuality in the West here – female genital mutilation is still the norm in certain areas of the world, owing to the belief that women are too carnal for their own good.)

Before we were owned, we were venerated. Evidence of pre-agricultural fertility cults show that women’s bodies occupied an exalted place in the consciousness of the era. This might have been based on the way we bled with the cycles of the Moon, or because we seemed to be solely responsible for birth and life itself. Whatever the reasons, there was a time when women’s sexuality was sacred.

We were proud to be whores before we were cast as Madonnas. I think it’s about time we took our power back, sexual and otherwise. Before the Greco-Roman patriarchs began their systemic repression of women’s rights and lives, there was prehistory. It’s unwise to romanticize any historical epoch, given that we weren’t there and can only hypothesize about the conditions in which our ancestors lived. But “Sex at Dawn,” one of my favorite books of the last ten years, does a nice job of showing us why evolutionary psychologists have gotten everything so very wrong. And yet they’ve shaped our cultural consciousness. How do we untangle all the crossed wires that claim to define how we’re wired?

It’s as of yet impossible to identify where nature ends and nurture begins, but culture plays a major role in our self-perception and our relationships. The popularity of shows like “The Bachelor” and the annoying ubiquity of Patti Stenger prove that we’re up against a major meme machine and it’s going to take a person-by-person, relationship-by-relationship transformation to shift our consciousness. Sex, and in particular, women’s sexuality, has lived in the shadows of our psyches because it was deemed too overpowering. Instead of trying to control it, we must allow ourselves to experience all of its dimensions. That doesn’t mean we’ll engage in 24/7 orgies and none of us will ever work again (as Republicans seem to fear).

We live in binaries, and  it’s about time for a breakthrough. From compulsory heterosexuality to compulsory motherhood to monogamy, marriage, engagement rings, and more, there’s much we accept as rote. We often participate without question, because it’s in our movies and on our TV’s and our Facebook feeds. But is it what you really want? Only you can answer that.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie at ecosalon dot com, and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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