ColumnThe ability to experience sensuality is fundamental to sexual pleasure. (You can have sensuality without sex, but sex without sensuality tends to suck.) Your relationship to your own senses has probably taken a serious beating in recent years, but you can increase your sensuality – in less than five minutes a day.

We’re often more intimate with our iPhones than our lovers, more gripped by pics of flowers on Instagram than by actual flowers. We stop to document before we stop to touch, smell, taste, hear and see what’s in front of us. We’ve got this thing called life backwards, big time.

It’s important to acknowledge that it’s been a long decline – we didn’t just wake up and start ignoring our senses when Facebook and Twitter officially launched in 2006. Before we were obsessively posting statuses, we were already Starbucks-fueled type-A’s, running around like headless chickens, too consumed with consumption to notice the hidden beauty and wonder of even our most mundane moments.

We stare at blue screens all day. We’re so addicted to our gadgets that we barely have time to look people in the eye. When is the last time you stopped to really take in a sunset with your senses — and not with your Instagram?

It’s no coincidence that yoga and meditation have been our obsessions du jour during the last decade – we need them more than ever because we are so desperately ungrounded and stressed out. But even those body-positive rituals don’t hit every note we need them to — and getting to class can be impossible sometimes.

Even if you’re too busy to get to Bikram today, even if you feel like you’re too frazzled to fit in a ten-minute meditation session or make yourself a smoothie, I have a quick and easy ritual that will help you kill about a dozen birds with one stone. This ritual, from my private vault, can:

• Help you feel grounded and calm, focusing your mind
• Restore your relationship with your body
• Get a healthy piece of fruit in you instead of a protein bar (duh)
• Enhance sexual pleasure —  building a better connection to your lover, and the potential for stronger, slower orgasms
• Reduce your heart rate

The Apple Ritual:

(Note: You can use other fruits if you like – whatever is local, organic and in-season. I choose apples because the “apple a day” adage turns out to have some serious scientific merit. And they hit all the sensual notes, because they have a discernible crunch. Bananas may be phallic, but you can’t hear them.)

Start by shutting out other sensory stimuli – turn off the TV, shut down your email, and silence your phone. The ritual begins the moment you begin walking toward the apple – as you head to the fruit bowl in the living room, the kitchen, or wherever you keep your produce, you’re already prepping your body/mind for the experience. Think of this as if you were walking toward your lover – even in the moments before he/she is right next to you, or touching you, your body begins to respond.

Reach for the fruit, paying attention to the sensation in your fingertips as it makes contact with the skin. Is it cold? Room temp? Slippery? Go to the sink and run the apple under the water – but you’re not just cleaning it. Pay attention to the sound of the water hitting the apple, and the way it feels on your hands, always retaining your connection to the weight, shape, and slip of the apple.

You can dry the apple, but I like to keep it wet. Close your eyes, raise it to your nostrils, pressing it against your face, and take a deep inhale. Notice the different notes of scent. Then pull it a few inches away, and examine its flesh, colors, indentations, the way the light shines on it. Now you’re ready for your first bite.

Anticipate. Breathe. Don’t rush. Raise it to your mouth but before you do anything else, press it against your lips, and don’t be afraid to lick it a bit. (Or a lot.) Then open your mouth and take your first bite – ever so slowly. What’s happening? Are you hearing the crunch between your teeth? Does your tongue taste sweetness, tartness, a bit of both? What do you smell? Let the juices run down your face.

Notice if you go down to the core or feel satiated beforehand. Notice the slight tackiness on your fingers, the after-taste on your tongue and the roof of your mouth. Run your tongue over your lips and below your mouth – do you taste of sweetness?

Do not be surprised or ashamed if you get turned on. Or you might feel really silly – both are normal responses. If you need to immediately go and mount your lover or use your vibrator — congratulations — you have definitely experienced deep sensuality. Now come back and do it again tomorrow.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie at ecosalon dot com and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

Related on EcoSalon

Get Your Renewal On and Have Better Sex This Spring

How To Eat Your Way to a Better Orgasm (Seriously)

Orgasmic Meditation and Pleasure as Practice (Part I)

Image: NeoGaboX

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As spring returns to the Northern Hemisphere, our bodies respond accordingly; we are mammals after all.

The earth cracks open and green shoots emerge while we shed our sweaters and raise our winter-cracked faces to the sun, hoping for instant transformation. Think about your cat curled elegantly in a ray of warm sunshine–she knows how it’s done. But we humans, instead of taking pure, unadulterated pleasure in the most beautiful, basic sensuality of the season, tend to worry whether or not we’re “ready” for it.

We stress about pre-bikini season waxing, contemplate our recently boot-imprisoned toes in sandals, and wonder if our thighs will be toned enough for the teeny-tiny shorts we saw on the runway. We plan out our summer fun way in advance: securing our Hamptons shares, buying tickets to festivals such as Bonnaroo or Burning Man. Everyone I run into lately keeps saying: “I’M READY” with regard to spring’s earnest arrival, especially after the particularly horrid flu season we’ve had. But I wonder–are we, really ready?

I always say that Eco-Sex starts with your own body, because no matter how “other-focused” our sex lives tend to be, we’re nowhere if we don’t own our desire, full-on. And in a complicated world of extreme beauty standards, it sometimes feels impossible to find that sweet spot where you know what you want and how you want it, without comparing yourself to a Victoria’s Secret model.

Our concept of “beauty” comes not just via cultural and corporate conformity, but with a toxic price tag: achieving the look of the moment usually requires you to buy something full of parabens or petrochemicals. So, it turns out, we’re literally killing ourselves to be beautiful.

But what if this spring, it didn’t have to be that way?

One little trick that may help you worry less about what others think and tune into what you FEEL, is to slow down and pretend you’re your own lover. Now, you can do this in the obvious way (which I encourage), but that’s not what I’m talking about in this article. I’m talking about falling in love with your body and realizing that’s it’s ridiculously beautiful, and worth giving pleasure to every single day–in spring and every season.

Even if you have very little time, you can take a hint from Cleopatra and get your ritual on. If you’re going to spend the rest of the day incessantly swiping at your iPhone and running to meetings, it’s really worth it to wake up and have a truly meaningful meeting–with yourself. So, standing there in front of the mirror, before makeup, before the presentation, just be with your body for a few minutes. If you’re a yogini, you understand what it means to use the body to go beyond the body. In this practice, you’re caressing your body and feeding it what it craves in order to develop a deeper relationship with it.

Make sure you have the right tools available–organic, virgin coconut oil is my personal fave. Don’t just rub it in for its brilliant and varied functions, stick your nose in the jar and inhale. Then rub it in–slowly, like you’re giving yourself the ninety-minute Swedish massage you wish you could afford every week. Aromatherapy should NOT be an afterthought–nor should any of your other vital senses. This is about making time for touch, taste, hearing, scent and sight.

If there is no time for breakfast, or if breakfast is an apple or a banana grabbed on the run–make that fruit a part of your ritual. Take a bite, listening to the crunch, or feeling the soft texture, and seriously–I know this sounds woo-woo–but seriously spend a moment with the energy of Earth’s sweet delicious gift from a seed.

Once your get into the habit of incorporating intentional slowness and practiced sensuality into each morning, you’ll be more open to giving yourself pleasure after work too–and I don’t mean happy hour. Do you usually fall into bed with the television on, forgetting to turn off your phone? Try actually unplugging after dinner, if you dare. Run a bath, and drop in some sexy, stimulating ylang ylang essential oil. You may miss Jon Stewart’s company the first few nights, but there are better things to do in bed.

Whether you’re single, dating, or in a long-term relationship–all of this is still important. Before you can make time for anyone else–you have to learn how to make time with and for yourself. Slow Sex, like Slow Food, is all about the journey, not the destination.

Image: Ariadna Bruna

Stefanie Iris Weiss is the author of Eco-Sex: Go Green Between the Sheets and Make Your Love Life Sustainable (Ten Speed Press/Crown Publishing, 2010) and eight other books. Stefanie keeps her carbon footprint small in New York City, where she writes about sustainability, sexuality, reproductive rights, dating and relationships, politics, fashion, beauty, and more for many publications. Learn more about her at ecosex.net.

The post Slow Sex: Spring is for Shedding (Layers and Baggage) appeared first on EcoSalon.

“He’s such an amazing lover.” Really?

As complicated as life is already, we had to go and evolve into sensual creatures with libidos and orgasmic potential beyond just reproductive function. It’s an immensely huge part of who we are—whether we’re sexually active or not. It has inspired some of the world’s great art and music, and now propels a booming industry. Countless books have been written about why we do it—and how to do it well to ensure both lovers have satisfying experiences. But we often reduce this down to whether or not someone is a “good” lover. Is that really accurate?

For many humans, sex is treated like a sport, a recreation. Flip through any monthly women’s or men’s magazine and you’ll likely bump into a list or two claiming it can help you improve your game to become the world’s greatest lover. Men learn how to make sure all the bases are covered… Fair enough. But, a woman in particular, is typically coaxed into fitting into our culturally accepted definition of sexy: wear the right, clothes, makeup and hairdo. She’ll know how to properly tease and arouse her partner before more often than not, acting out her best impersonation of a porn star. Most men expect this. Lots of women do too. It’s why here in Los Angeles, after a weekly women’s circle gathering meant to empower and elevate the female attendees, the women can also receive a bikini wax session before they leave.

Beyond the fact that we’re perpetuating a cycle of unnecessary sexual pressure on both genders, it also indicates that we’re creating a cycle of sexual expectations: unless someone does these certain things, the experience will ultimately be unsatisfying. And sometimes, a person does all those things and it’s still an unsatisfying experience.

What science knows about sexual attraction is that there are many invisible forces at work, mainly pheromones—hormones that make us attracted to certain people instead of others. When there’s a mutually strong chemistry between two people, chances are the sex will be quite satisfying. It’s not a matter of whether you’ve both studied the Kama Sutra; two people feeling the same vibe will be more likely to find the experience satisfying—as in, “I just had great sex.” Someone else might find a sexual experience with either of those people unsatisfying even if the same techniques were used that sent those two to the moon. If the attraction or openness to the experience isn’t there, the enthusiasm won’t be either. Never mind all the alcohol we use to lubricate many of our sexual encounters leaving us often feeling uncomfortable and even remorseful. A recent study even found that can inform our sexual experiences for years–even decades–after.

When we parse each other out as either “good” or “bad” lovers, we collectively dismiss our sexual energy as being right or wrong. The backlash of that, we’ve already seen ad nauseum, is repressed and confused sexual expressions, even aggressive and inappropriate acts. That’s not to say that people can’t be downright selfish or reckless lovers. But it seems more likely that’s merely a symptom of a sexually dysfunctional society than it is anything else. It’s the sexual expression of misinformation and expectation, and it’s typically awkward.

A quarterback is obviously good or bad, particularly after a few seasons. You’d sound foolish to say Rafael Nadal is a bad tennis player, even despite his 2012 Wimbledon loss. Sex is not a sport (even though it can often be a great workout). It’s a core expression of who we are as humans. It’s not something that even needs to be fully understood as much as it needs to be allowed its full expression. Are we good or bad at it isn’t the right question. How we honor and handle our sexual experiences are far more vital considerations.

Keep in touch with Jill on Twitter @jillettinger

Image: kainr

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