Finally: Someone is talking about stealthing, a form of rape that men and women have had trouble explaining since, well, forever.

Stealthing

Last week, Alexandra Brodsky’s paper, “‘Rape-Adjacent’: Imagining Legal Responses to Nonconsensual Condom Removal” became the topic of conversation on many news sites and networks.

Brodsky’s research examines how stealthing, also known as covert condom removal, harms victims. The paper also notes what forms of legal action could be taken against a person who “stealths.”

The findings in the paper are equally interesting and horrifying, and solidify the assumption that a person who uses stealthing during sex is a sexual predator.

Brodsky interviewed stealthing survivors and researched online spaces and communities that support the practice, Refinery29 reports.

“Unsurprisingly, these communities consist of men—both gay and straight—who believe they have a right to ‘spread their seed. [They] ‘root their support [for stealthing] in an ideology of male supremacy in which violence is a man’s natural right.’”

Jules Purnell, a sexuality educator from Philadelphia at Widener University Center for Human Sexuality Studies, has heard this “excuse” first-hand.

“[A] man who spoke on this subject during a discussion I hosted stated his ‘superior negotiation skills’ meant he never had to use condoms with this partner,” Purnell explains.

“This means, in so many words, that he talks his partners into not using condoms, linguistically strong-arming them into relinquishing their boundaries. This is very similar to other coercive tactics rapists use, and it’s not a part of healthy, consensual sex.”

It is all about consent

It’s simple. If a man or woman removes a condom during sex, that act is rape. Remember: Rape is any nonconsensual sexual activity.

“The predators are taking it upon themselves to do this without the victim’s permission,” Alexis Moore, attorney, author, and advocate, says.

“The predator has [changed] the terms of the agreement without the permission of the partner. This conduct needs to be addressed legislatively immediately.”

The victim

Shame is one of the most prominent feelings a stealthing victim could feel.

Melissa Hamilton, JD, PhD, University of Houston Law Center, says victims could feel responsible for not noticing condom removal. This guilt may be more prominent in victims who were drunk, etc., during an attack. In addition to self-blame, victims also may begin to worry obsessively about contracting a STI or becoming pregnant.

And although male victims may not have to worry about pregnancy, there are myriad other issues they may face. “Gay [male] victims are already marginalized and often do not report sexual assaults for fear of further shaming and blaming,” Christene Lozano, licensed marriage family therapist, explains.

“Heterosexual male victims of stealthing are also unlikely to report because the shame of being sexually victimized [could be] threatening to their masculinities.”

What to do

First we must state that only stealthing rapists can stop using this dangerous form of assault. But there are some tactics that people can use to potentially catch an assaulter in the act.

“You can periodically reach down to [check] that the ring of the condom is against the base of the penis, under the guise of ‘sexy touching’,” Daniel Saurborn, a physician at Stanford Healthcare, says.

“The [person] may also periodically change positions where withdrawal is necessary, which allows visual inspection of the condom, without appearing suspicious.”

Ultimately, though, if you think your partner is capable of stealthing, it’s best to end the relationship, or encounter.

“A selfish partner will never provide the love that you are looking for,” Saurborn states.

Seconded.

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Sexual assault is a devastating experience, and one organization is determined to give back some of the dignity that has been so unfairly stolen away.

“I stood there examining my body beneath the stream of water and decided, I don’t want my body anymore. I was terrified of it. I wanted to take off my body like a jacket and leave it at the hospital with everything else.” This profound quote in the New York Post was an excerpt from a sexual assault survivor’s handwritten testimony during the recent and highly publicized trial of Stanford University student, Brock Turner. Turner was eventually convicted of rape, but only sentenced to six months in jail and three years’ probation.

With victim blaming still running rampant, slews of rape kits going untested, and more rapists being slapped on the wrist with sentences so light they’re almost nonexistent, survivors of sexual assault need all the help they can get. But after such life-altering experiences, it can be difficult to do something as simple as look in the mirror without feeling ashamed, much less come forward against one’s attacker. Especially so when the process typically starts with succumbing to an oftentimes invasive rape kit that has the propensity to leave survivors feeling that much more vulnerable and violated.

Some victims have the option of being slightly more prepared before going to a hospital or health facility for a rape kit. However, the survivor from the Turner case, like so many others, reportedly woke up in the hospital after her attack. For the victims who aren’t able to make prior preparations, or for the many who aren’t aware of rape kit proceedings, RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) describes the hours long exam as one which may include genital swabs, blood samples, and photographs of private areas, often ending with the victim’s clothing being confiscated in order to be examined for traces of the perpetrator’s DNA.

For those of you interested in learning more, there’s a detailed, first-hand account of one woman’s rape examination experience here, but I would proceed with caution for its potentially distressing content.

This careful and thorough collection process isn’t ideal, but is designed to preserve potential evidence that may be admissible in legal proceedings. And although patients are able to put a stop to the rape kit at any point in time, unlike the woman in the first-hand account was led to believe, it doesn’t make the process any easier. Unfortunately in the cases for some survivors, this could mean that their only option after having been sexually assaulted and subjected to a rape kit is to leave the medical facility dressed in a hospital-issued paper gown.

After facing scrutiny from every angle, this flimsy, dignity-stealing sheet of nothing can degrade survivors of sexual assault – women, men, and children – even further. However, The Grateful Garment Project, a non-profit organization based in San Jose, Calif., has made it the group’s mission to “ensure that every victim of a sexual crime who crosses the threshold of a Sexual Assault Response Team (SART) facility or who seeks medical attention and/or law enforcement involvement is provided with whatever new clothing, toiletries, snacks, and other miscellaneous items that he or she may require.” Having further expanded its  horizons to “encompass all victims of sexual violence in California,” this non-profit also provides for children who are sexually exploited commercially and human sex trafficking victims.

Currently active in 25 California counties, The Grateful Garment Project is partnered with more than 60 agencies statewide who also share the organization’s vision of helping victims of sexual violence. Thanks to The Grateful Garment Project and its partnerships, between 25 and 40 women, children, and men, are provided with resources each day in California. In fact, during The Grateful Garment Project’s 2015-2016 fiscal year, the organization donated more than 25,000 items. From a t-shirt to a pair of sweatpants, a little bit of care and respect can go a long way in the effort to provide sexual assault victims with a shred of dignity.

“Every 109 seconds, another person experiences sexual assault,” and although “the number of assaults has fallen by more than half since 1993,” the sad fact is that “only 6 out of every 1,000 rapists will end up in prison.” These statistics taken from the RAINN website are not only eye-opening, but also heartbreaking. Until sexual assault is eradicated, until victims are no longer blamed for being victimized, we should do our part to make the rape kit process as tolerable as possible. Consider donating to The Grateful Garment Project, and if you, or someone you know, are suffering in silence, don’t hesitate to contact the 24/7 National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673.

Let us know your thoughts on the EcoSalon Facebook page.

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ColumnIt’s not easy for people who have gone through a sexual assault to come forward. Yeah, that’s not exactly a groundbreaking statement. It’s a point that deserves repetition, though, because it seems like every week there’s news about how yet another person who has experienced assault is hurt by someone in power, or archaic laws.

Oral sex and consent in Okla.

In 2014, a 17-year-old boy gave a 16-year-old girl a ride home from a Tulsa park after they drank and smoked weed with their friends. “Blood tests later showed her blood-alcohol level was .341, indicative of severe alcohol poisoning,” Mother Jones reports.

“She was unconscious when he dropped her off at her grandmother’s house and taken to the hospital, where she woke up in the middle of an examination for sexual assault. The boy’s DNA was detected around her mouth. He claimed she had consented to have oral sex, but she says she can’t remember anything after leaving the park.”

So, how is this not rape? The answer is simple. If you closely examine this very outdated  forcible sodomy law:

“Forcible Sodomy cannot occur where a victim is so intoxicated as to be completely unconscious at the time of the sexual act of oral copulation,” the Guardian reports.

And apparently, “Oklahoma’s forcible sodomy law only prohibits oral sex with someone who’s unable to provide consent because of mental illness or mental disability, not because of intoxication or unconsciousness,” Mother Jones reports. Because of this designation, the court’s ruling was deemed appropriate. “The state has a separate rape law that protects victims who are too drunk to consent, but only in cases of vaginal or anal penetration, not oral sex,” Mother Jones adds.

So, that’s why all the judges on the Oklahoma Court of Criminal Appeals decided this girl wasn’t raped.

Let’s pause so we all can vomit.

There are quite a few people who are, understandably, upset by this ruling.

One such person is Benjamin Fu, the Tulsa County district attorney who lead the case.

“The plain meaning of forcible oral sodomy, of using force, includes taking advantage of a victim who was too intoxicated to consent,” Fu said. “I don’t believe that anybody, until that day, believed that the state of the law was that this kind of conduct was ambiguous, much less legal. And I don’t think the law was a loophole until the court decided it was.”

Fu also said that placing focus on why the victim couldn’t consent puts the victim at fault.

Bingo.

There also are many legal experts who think that the ruling should serve as a “wake-up call for legislators to update Oklahoma’s laws,” the Guardian adds.

For example, “Michelle Anderson, the dean of the CUNY School of Law who has written extensively about rape law, called the ruling ‘appropriate’ but the law ‘archaic.’”

Yeah, no shit.

Okla. lawmakers need to change this law right now. It puts sexual assault victims in danger, gives rapists a loophole to get away with their crimes, and could potentially mindfuck victims into thinking that what they experienced wasn’t rape when it clearly was.

Rape in the LGBTQ community

If you had to guess which community is at a high risk for being sexually assaulted and having that assault be ignored, who would you choose? The answer may surprise you.

The Association of American Universities conducted a survey last fall that found “rates of sexual violence for LGBTQ students are actually higher than for heterosexual and cisgender students,” the Establishment reports. The survey included responses from 150,000 students at private and public research institutions.

“Among female undergraduates, 73% of gay women and 77% of bisexual women experienced harassment, intimate partner violence, or stalking, compared to 61% of straight women,” The Establishment adds.

“Rates of unwanted sexual contact involving force were also higher for LGBT students: 19% for gay women and 32% for bi women, versus 18% for straight women (still a startling number). The disparities between gay and bisexual men and straight men were similar. Those identifying as TGQN (transgender, genderqueer, questioning, or otherwise non-conforming) consistently reported more incidents of forced or coerced sexual contact than either men or women.”

The rates may be higher in the LGBTQ community because these individuals could “face violence and harassment from those outside the community who use sexual force to reinforce heterosexuality and gender norms, or they may be hurt by people within the community who have internalized those norms,” The Establishment explains.

Utterly depressing.

Obviously, anyone can be sexually assaulted. Straight men and women, transgender people, as well as bisexuals, lesbians, and homosexual men, can be (and are) raped and assaulted. So, once and for all, can we just recognize this and give people the justice they deserve?

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ColumnWe’re upset about the ruling in Kesha’s case against Sony–wanting out of her contract after enduring alleged sexual misconduct from the label’s Dr. Luke. But despite the disappointing ruling, we are happy about one thing: There are a lot of people who are publicly supporting Kesha in a variety of heartwarming and powerful ways.

If you are a regular reader of this column, you probably know that I am incredibly interested in Kesha’s case. A lot of that interest stems from my own experiences — I relate to what the singer went through and continues to go through. The case also peaked my interest because I was incredibly curious — and a bit worried — about which direction things would go. Sadly, my gut was right, and Kesha did not when her case.

According to Jezebel, on February 19, Shirley Kornreich, a New York Supreme Court judge, “ruled that Kesha ‘must remain contractually bound to Sony and Kemosabe, the record label created and run by Dr. Luke.’” Kesha claims that Dr. Luke “drugged and raped her when she was 18 and continued to abuse her throughout their creative partnership.”

The judge decided that the injunction was, basically, a request to “decimate a contract that was heavily negotiated and typical for the industry” — and not a “for physical, psychological and sexual safety.” Way to go, Kornreich.

What makes this decision even more heartbreaking is Kesha’s injunction. Jezebel reports that part of it said, “I know I cannot work with Dr. Luke. I physically cannot. I don’t feel safe in any way.”

While Kesha didn’t win her legal battle, she’s got a lot of support from the public and fellow pop stars.

If you want to see how many people on Twitter think that Kesha should not have to fulfill her contract with Dr. Luke, just search the hashtag #FreeKesha. Men and women both think the singer’s experience should be taken seriously and that she shouldn’t have to work with someone who makes her, basically, physically ill.

And since the judge’s decision, quite a few pop stars have spoken out in support of Kesha.  JoJo, Ariana Grande, Kelly Clarkson, and Lady Gaga tweeted support to Kesha. Taylor Swift even donated $250,000 to help the singer with her financial needs. And most recently, Adele gave her support to the singer in an acceptance speech.

Now, none of the above can take away the pain Kesha feels or the trauma she went through. The positive public outcry, though, is refreshing. Women and men report sexual assaults every day and often times don’t get taken seriously. So, when the public creates a #FreeKesha hashtag and calls bullshit on a ruling that seems incredibly misguided, one can only hope that victims will get better treatment in the future.

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ColumnThe Bill Cosby case is in full swing and already — already — there’s a lot of equally wonderfully cringe-worthy and soul-crushing gems emerging from the grand ordeal.

Let’s begin with the legal and end with the commentary from the peanut gallery…

It all started on February 3, 2016 when a judge decided that a Pennsylvania sexual assault case against Bill Cosby could continue. While Cosby’s team thinks the decision to move forward is “wrong,” the case, “in which former Temple University employee Andrea Constand accuses the TV star of assaulting her in his home in 2004, will go forward,” CNN reports. The preliminary hearing for this case is planned for March 8.

In addition to this criminal case, “Cosby is also facing a lawsuit from Tamara Green, Therese Serignese, Linda Traitz, Barbara Bowman, Joan Tarshis, Louisa Moritz, and Angela Leslie over denials by his reps that they were sexually assaulted. Last November, a judge rejected Cosby’s motion to dismiss, which put in motion more Cosby testimony to come.”

However, on February 10, 2016 it was reported that Cosby wants the “proceeding paused.” Here are the details according to The Hollywood Reporter via Cosby’s motion:

“The District Attorney of Montgomery County has pursued his charges at the eleventh hour, years after an initial investigation in 2005 determined that no charges should be filed… The state’s case relies on Defendant’s previously sealed testimony, given by Defendant in a civil case that was made public — demonstrating the direct impact that civil litigation can have on criminal matters. And it is precisely for such reason, i.e., the preservation of Defendant’s right against self-incrimination, that this civil action should be stayed during the pendency of Defendant’s criminal case.”

It also appears that Cosby will be making similar motions soon.

And just a few days ago, on February 9, Cosby received good news from California courts. An L.A. Superior Court judge “agreed with the actor-comedian’s lawyers to toss an amended complaint by Janice Dickinson in her defamation suit against Cosby and his former attorney Marty Singer,” Deadline reports. “In a tentative ruling read from the bench, Judge Debre Weintraub also allowed Singer to be dismissed from the case.”

In addition to all the legal updates about the various Cosby cases, Kanye West recently joined the discussion about the comedian, and, surprise — West’s thoughts are stomach turning.

According to The USA Today, West took to twitter on Feb. 9 and tweeted: BILL COSBY INNOCENT !!!!!!!!!!

Not sure if he used enough exclamation points.

While the tweet was posted without further explanation, one can assume that West is a Cosby supporter, and thinks the current legal battles the comedian is facing are bunk. No one really knows what’s going on in West’s head — honestly, we wonder if West even knows — it’s still rather disturbing that he’s putting those kinds of thoughts out there.

Sure, Cosby is innocent until proven guilty, but Cosby’s accusers had enough trouble coming forward — they don’t need Ye dismissing all of their experiences.

This whole Cosby ordeal is far from over, so, rest assured that we’ll be here to report on all the gory, depressing details.

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Lady Gaga is a creative entrepreneur and activist. Just recently, Gaga went public about being a rape victim.

In the video below, Gaga details the feelings she had after being raped. The discussion happened at a TimesTalks panel. Also on the panel: Frank Bruni (panel leader), Diane Warren, Kirby Dick, and Amy Ziering.

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Damn you, frats. I know you all can’t be bad, but man. When you are bad, you’re reallllly bad.

According to Bust, the Fraternity and Sorority Political Action Committee (also lovingly known as FratPAC), is lobbying congress “for changes that will make college sexual assault cases even more difficult to report.” Because as we all know, sex assault is soo easy to report already.

Ultimately, the PAC wants the criminal justice system to look into sexual assault cases before universities do, because FratPAC thinks that “students accused of sexual assault are treated unfairly.”

Ugh, right? It’s not like sexual assault survivors are routinely treated fairly during these cases. In fact, more often than not, they’re treated like crap.

Luckily, as of April 21, 2015, FratPAC “backed off” its lobbying that would have made reporting sexual assault more difficult. This happened because a lot of people spoke up. One such group that called attention to FratPAC‘s  work  was Consent is So Frat, a non-profit organization that aims to make “consent and healthy relationships part of what it means to be a fraternity brother or sorority sister.” You can read the org’s statement about its success in getting FratPAC to back-off its sexual assault agenda here.

However, according to Bust, the PAC still has other lobbying plans. Here are a few other bon mots the 10-year-old PAC is diligently working on:

The PAC wants Congress to “block colleges from suspending all fraternities on a college campus due to incidents that occur in a single house.”

And the PAC is “lobbying for a rule against any mandate for Greek life to go co-ed.”

What are your thoughts about the Greek system? How do you think frats and sororities can become safer spaces? Do you think the entire system needs to be overhauled?

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A German artist created a brilliant anti-rape campaign that uses one of things that makes men stand aghast in horror: sanitary napkins.

Elone, the German artist who got the idea to “post” all sorts of anti-rape, pro-feminist messages (for example: “Rapists rape people, not outfits”) atop sanitary napkins throughout her German city after she saw this hilariously true tweet from @cutequeer96:

Elone embarked on this artistic journey to show that feminism is all about equality and not about hating men. To promote her project, Elone posted photos of her work across Instagram and Tumblr and, surprise – she’s received a lot of attention.

According to Care2, her anti-rape campaign has been replicated in other countries, such as Brazil, Sweden, and the United States.

While this project is great for one obvious reason (it gets people to take notice) it also “Touches on two very important feminist issues: Shame around women’s bodies and menstruation as well as sexual assault,” reports Care2.

As Care2 points out, this piece of activism is just one instance on a growing list of attention-worthy social media campaigns that support feminism and women who have been raped. Other recent cases of hashtag activism include the following:

1. #BeenRapedNeverReported: This hashtag was started after Lucy DeCoutere, a Canadian actress, said she was one of the women who was assaulted by Jian Ghomeshi, a former CBC host. Other women who had been raped but never reported the instance took to Twitter to defend DeCoutere and her all-too-common story.

2. #RapeCultureIsWhen: This hashtag popped up as a response to “right-wing narratives that claim that the idea of rape culture is not real but rather is an idea that has been blown up by feminists,” Care2 reports. As a woman who has been raped and was told that my rape wasn’t “real” because it wasn’t “that violent,” I can report that rape culture is, indeed, alive and well.

Do you have a favorite hashtag to use to promote women’s rights and equality? My two favorites are #FuckYeahFeminism and #StrongWomen. Also: What do you think about Elone’s project? Would you replicate it in your town?

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Sure, say all you want about Kesha’s music (I for one am a fan of her ridiculous, I-know-what-I’m-doing excess), but she’s a strong woman. And she’s one of the first people who has talked about how eating disorders and sexual assault are related.

A few weeks ago, Kesha “went forth with a lawsuit” against Dr. Luke, her former manager. The lawsuit claims that Dr. Luke “drugged her, sexually abused her and physically assaulted her.” Kesha revealed this information to her doctors when she was in rehab for bulimia, Jezebel reports.

Sources have claimed that Kesha didn’t come forward about the assault (or press charges) earlier because she had been with Luke for more than eight years. She didn’t feel like she had free will.

This story really rang true to me because I, similar to Kesha, was sexually assaulted and subsequently developed an eating disorder (anorexia, to be exact). I didn’t see the link at the time, but after a few years had passed and I went through some successful therapy, I realized the two incidents were related.

I always assumed that I wanted to be thinner to fit in, or whatever, but after a lot of reflection, I realized it was a way to cope with the assault. I was quite young when it happened and it took me years to fully realize what had really gone down. But once I did, it was totally obvious that all that “control” I had over my eating was linked to the lack of control I had when I was assaulted.

Sadly, Kesha’s story and my story aren’t uncommon. In fact, another awesome woman revealed her story of sexual assault and anorexia recently on XOJane. However disturbing, though, these stories need to be shared.

Many people who don’t know better often shrug of eating disorders as no big deal. Like the XOJane author states, thanks to mainstream media portrayal, many people think anorexia and bulimia are diseases that relatively well-off girls who just want to be thin have. Truth is, these diseases are so much more, and they need to be respected.

I hope that Kesha’s story can help others who have been assaulted and have developed an eating disorder. None of us are alone and we sure as hell aren’t weak. Don’t let anyone tell you any different.

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Last week was a big week for sexual assault news, awareness and gimmicks. Let’s start with the newsy gimmick.

You may have heard about the “new consent app” Good2Go. The app is supposed to help two consenting adults have consensual sex by simply putting some info into their iPhones before having sex. Sounds… weird.

This is the basic gist of the app: Once you’ve decided you want to have sex with someone, give your phone to the lucky so-and-so, and ask him or her to launch the Good2Go app. The app will ask your potential partner if he or she is Good2Go. The person can answer “No, Thanks,” “Yes, But… We Need To Talk,” or “I’m Good2Go.”

If the person says no, a screen pops up that says “Remember! No Means No! Only Yes Means Yes, BUT Can Be Changed At Anytime!” If the person chooses the second option, the app pauses so the couple can talk. If the person chooses yes, they are directed to another series of questions. This set asks the person how intoxicated he or she is. If a person answers “Pretty Wasted” the app informs the person that he or she cannot consent. The other choices lead to a third screen. Slate details how the apps third and fourth screen (I know) work:

“(The third screen) asks the partner if she is an existing Good2Go user or a new one. If she’s a new user, she’s prompted to enter her phone number and a password, confirm that she is 18 years old, and press submit. (Minors are out of luck—the app is only for consenting adults.) Then, she’ll fill out a fourth prompt, which asks her to input a six-digit code that’s just been texted to her own cellphone to verify her identity with that app. (Previous users can just type in their phone number—which serves as their Good2Go username—and password.) Once that level is complete, she returns the phone to its owner, who can view a message explaining the terms of the partner’s consent. (For example, the “Partner is intoxicated but is Good2Go.”) Then, the instigator presses a button marked “Ok,” which reminds him again that yes can be changed to “NO at anytime!”

Oh. My. Gosh. I am not sure what type of consenting adult would rather go through this app than just have a conversation with their partner about sex.

So, why does this app really exist? Is it to help a potential victim? I doubt it. I do think, however, it exists to help someone deny allegations of rape if his or her partner later doesn’t consent. After all, the app does keep a private record of every single “Good2Go” agreement. Each agreement is logged in the app’s system and is connected to each user’s phone numbers and accounts. As Slate points out, “No” answers and “Let’s Talk” answers are not logged. Maybe this app is well intentioned, but to me it just seems gross.

The second bit of news is good and will help bring awareness about sexual assault. Remember that “Yes Means Yes” bill I wrote about in late August? Well, on September 28 it became a law! Jerry Brown, California’s governor, signed the the law that will require universities that get state funds “to use ‘affirmative consent’ for determining whether consent was given by both parties” for sexual consent.

This law is so important because the standard for sexual consent, “no means no,” puts all the responsibility on the victim. After an assault occurs, the victim has to sometimes prove that he or she really did say no.

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