ColumnA behind-the-screen look at the consistently ridiculous inbox of a writer.

At EcoSalon, we receive our fair share of email pitches, and we’ve decided to give you a weekly peek at this valuable information inside our inboxes. These products, people, and services are 100 percent real, although we’re not always sure that they should be.

You’re never too old to ride the ride!

Jennifer Landa, we want to walk a mile in your hormonal pumps. We honestly do.

We sexually deprived, post-partum, menopausal, Cortisol-fatigued women want your sex drive solution that “helps women set and achieve realistic goals to not only get their sexy back – but to keep it going all night long.” One thing we will not be tempted to do, though, is call out “Dr. Jen!” or Landaaaaaa!!” in bed instead of our partner’s name. This we will not do, per your suggestion.

In The Sex Drive Solution for Women, Dr. Jen’s Power Plan includes so much elementary detail we wonder if the women reading this have ever had a stiff drink or perhaps taken a yoga class and opened up their pelvis. Or simply masturbated. Landa says, “If the man in your life is concerned about how many ‘headaches’ you’ve been having as of late and you’ve come to the conclusion that you’re officially too old to ‘ride the ride,’ it’s time for an intervention.”

Too old to “ride the ride?”

If you were trying to bulk up my self esteem, Dr. Jen, that one statement took it all away. Or maybe it’s just your book cover that seems to think we women are still in the kitchen. Let me just finish making my pot roast so I can ride the ride.

Is Your Massage Therapy Up To Par?

Massage should be part of our personal health care planning. Who doesn’t feel relaxed and centered after a good rubdown? You’ve had massages with human touch – maybe even heated stones – but have you considered golf balls?

Golf Ball Massage is superior to hot stone massage techniques, which can give deep pressure, but are slippery. Enter the KaddyBACK.

“GolfBallMassage.com’s KaddyBACK was designed based on the common practice of putting a golf ball in a sock, placing it against the upper back area, and pushing it against a wall to allow the ball to massage hard to reach back areas. KaddyBACK does the same thing efficiently and effectively, and was designed to be hands-free, enabling this therapy to be used while in a car, chair, etc.”

Common practice? Clearly, we are behind the golf-ball-in-a-sock times as we thought golf balls in socks were gang-related.

The hardest part for us to swallow is this last bit below about the KaddyBACK which accompanies your golf ball:

“Golf Ball Massage with JUST a golf ball? A Golf Ball Massage without the SPAball Kaddy is like:
…a virgin margarita! A DIET virgin margarita!
…a hand-shake instead of a high-five!
…a deep tissue massage from a 5-year-old!”

Um.

The world’s first unisex social media attraction fragrance!

Introducing Erox: “designed by geeks for geeks, the made for social media attraction fragrance is being launched, over the next few months, by GrowdGather (growdgather), a leading network of Internet forum communities.”

That’s right – growdgather. Sometimes we get press releases from companies that can’t even spell their own names right.

The company partnered with “Human Pheromone Sciences to produce a scent that contains a combination of pheromones, and a new revolutionary attraction compound called ER303, into a potent cocktail that has been clinically proven to increase feelings of arousal, excitement, social warmth and friendliness in both men and women.”

We could keep pulling quote after quote from the release so…we will!

“So maybe those flirtatious tweets and Facebook likes will help you reel that special someone in, but it will be Erox that will help you seal the deal!”

“The interesting thing is that people find it works in business or group settings as much as it does for hooking up.”

“Unlike traditional fragrances, the scent will be launched, sold and marketed exclusively through nontraditional channels – social media and forum communities – obviously targeting those who are active in the online social sphere. The campaign featuring a celebrity endorsement will be announced and launched over the next few months.”

Celebrity endorsement? Let’s just hope it’s somebody really good so we can get them next.

Image: jafsegal, lel4nd

The post Better Living Through Publicists: Sexual Freedom (With Just a Little Help) Edition appeared first on EcoSalon.