ColumnA behind-the-screen look at the consistently ridiculous inbox of a writer.

At EcoSalon, we receive our fair share of email pitches, and we’ve decided to give you a weekly peek at this valuable information inside our inboxes. These products, people, and services are 100 percent real, although we’re not always sure they should be.

Watch as fit men lather coconut oil on each other this Christmas!

Did you know that Sexy Santa has relocated his doll factory to the Andrew Christian Design Studio? Wait, you didn’t know Sexy Santa existed?

No more bendable dolls for you! If you’d like a dull-eyed love demon clad in a thong stuffed like a down pillow and covered in scrumptious edible oil shipped to you, then this is the gift to ask for. But wait! There’s more! Before you buy, whet your appetite with a slightly NSFW video showing just how these dolls get packaged.

Some scenes you can expect to see include a motionless man laid out on a table while a “hottie factory worker” (actual term) wraps him in bubble wrap, and a “muscular Latino hunk factory worker” (oh yes!) fits a jock strap on another male doll. One of the best parts of this entire gift is the theme song, “Bubble Wrap” by Dina Delicious, that will have you tapping your toes and fending off the desire to wrap yourself in padded petroleum-based goodness. Sexy Santa? Of course he comes!

Help promote America’s high obesity rate with a new PEEPS® design!

PEEPS® Brand Marshmallow Candies recently announced its first “Deck The PEEPS” Holiday Art Contest. Bunnies, snowmen and baby chicks are so over, lame, done. Why not consider something more worthy of adding to America’s obesity epidemic, like maybe a Creeper from Minecraft or a marshmallow-haired Monster High Doll? Imagine the piercing screams of joy from your children. Your design will inspire sentences like: “Mom! You rule!” and “I didn’t know you were so cool – LOL!”

While you’re thinking of new shapes for consumption also consider artistic adult creations that range from sculpture to wall art. Think big, not cute farm animals, but sexy, intoxicating shapes: A Mapplethorpe or Schiele nude, a life sized Jesus Christ or a toilet.

The prizes are huge and  include:
First Prize – $100 Gift Card to PEEPS & COMPANY® and a Candy Prize Pack.
Second Prize – $50 Gift Card to PEEPS & COMPANY® and a Candy Prize Pack
Third Prize – Candy Prize Pack

More candy!

Holiday party sobriety tests? There’s an app for that!

Just in time for the holiday party season, TDA and Webroot launched the Holiday Party Sobriety Test, a free mobile app for Android and iPhone devices “designed to save us all from our inebriated selves.”

Tired of being the designated driver every holiday, shuffling “The Chipster” and “Hairy Mary” in your minivan to the company Christmas party so that their kids can still have a mommy and daddy in the morning?

Created to keep us out of trouble, the app provides a series of sobriety tests that can be taken right at the party. Failure of any of the tests triggers a warning to dial it down for the rest of the evening.

Here’s what a random sampling of party-goers said they might have avoided had they had this handy holiday app:
46% said they wouldn’t have “gone out for more drinks” if they’d just taken that sobriety test.
34% said they wouldn’t have “sent a stupid text to their spouse, significant other or family member.”
26% would have avoided that “sexy dance in front of my co-workers.”
25% would never have gone home with a co-worker to continue the celebration.
18% would have skipped bussing the boss on the way out.
17% would have refrained from posting an uncomplimentary comment about the party.
15% would never have written that snarky text about the other guests.

Now, what the app doesn’t take into consideration is the amount of physical and verbal abuse you will incur from promoting sobriety at the party. Once word gets out that you are the drunk police you’re just asking for furious slaps from Hairy Mary – who is now gyrating on the bar to “Sweet Caroline.”

Image: Cutest Food, Photos by Mavis, pinguino

The post Better Living Through Publicists: Christmas Just Took a Turn for the Worse Edition appeared first on EcoSalon.