Hey mom and dad, what the freaken hell were you thinking?

I thought getting married was a corporate cashing-in-fest, but it turns out having a baby is a million times worse. Just have a look at the length of the Babies R Us “must have” new parent check list. All the essentials in one place: love, cuddles, milk, warmth and a switch plate cover (I didn’t know they existed either, but apparently they are a necessity).

As a pregnant woman expecting her first child at any moment, I’m personally baffled.

I’m not even sure when these things became more important than the way one looks post-pregnancy, but the message is very loud and clear: buy more stuff or you’ll be a terrible parent. I’ve accepted my status as terrible parent, and thus far have gathered everything we need via hand-me-downs and Freegle.

But there are people who want me to want more. In fact, here are the top seven pointless things companies have tried to sell me while I’ve been pregnant:

A Little Black Birthing Dress (or LBBD)

According to the advertisement, every woman deserves a little black dress to give birth in. Am I supposed to ask the midwife to wear taffeta? Should I be upset there are no hors d’oeuvres on the maternity ward? My mom told me I’d end up butt naked on all fours, pooing myself and screaming blue murder – did she lie? Is birthing actually like a swanky drinks party?

In summary: a very ordinary wrap dress with a price tag of $70 and a single-use life span before being sent off for medical grade incineration. Unless afterbirth stains are your thing.

Wiper Warmers

An electric device to keep your bum wipes warm. First world problems? We got ‘em!

Thudguard Baby Helmet

Toddler in falling over shocker! You know what? My baby’s head is pretty clever. In a few weeks it’s going to do that cool thing where it squishes up nice and tight so it can squeeze out of my tiny lady parts, and then it’s going to expand again and toughen up pretty quickly. My guess is that a skull that well made can cope with everyday bashes and knocks without being literally wrapped in cotton wool.

The human body has spent millions of years becoming what it is today. The fact of me being here and you being there suggests that at some point in the last 200,000 years there was a tiny fragile baby who grew into a wobbly toddler who grew up to have babies of her own, and that person somehow survived living in a cave and wild animal attacks and earthquakes and tornadoes and violent storms, all without the help of sturdy houses or rescue services or a specially designed protective helmet (although no doubt she had warm bum wipes because how anyone could survive without them is a total mystery).

Here is an important lesson even a not-quite-parent-yet knows: if you don’t let your child injure him or herself on occasion he or she will never learn how to remain un-injured and will grow up to be completely lacking in sense and coordination.

Peepee Teepee

I get the basic sentiment. If your little boy pees while you’re changing his nappy it has the potential to go everywhere: your face, his face, the ceiling, the floor, on the dog. But let’s be realistic. A couple of sheets of TP held over his boy parts will do the job, so will a muslin, or your hand, or the dog. This is not a problem that requires a) spending money b) a patented product c) the use of our precious and limited resources.

Tummy Tub Baby Bath

Again, I get the idea, but it costs $32 and I’ve already got a bucket in the Cupboard Where Junk Lives.

Video Baby Monitor

With night vision. Sit in your living room and watch your freaky green baby do its freaky green baby things. Or just go into the nursery and sit and stare at your child. Maybe pop that Thud Guard on him while he sleeps too, just in case.

And finally, a special mention goes to: Shrinx Hips

A device that utilizes ligament softening pregnancy hormones to permanently reduce the size of your hips. When did walking or yoga go out of style?

Image: Juhansonin

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