We all want to feel successful, but how that looks is changing. Do happiness and success go hand in hand?

It is commonplace these days for business owners and those looking to climb the corporate ladder to hire a business coach. But this looks a lot different today than even a decade ago. Rather than simply focusing on tactics that can get you more views, sales, likes, or subscribers, coaches these days are sharing a new viewpoint.

Happiness and joy in what you do is at the forefront of modern business coaching. Our priorities are definitely shifting and bringing a different view of success along for the ride. What we used to deem a successful life (good job, family, house, car, vacations, retirement) now looks more like health, fulfillment, and happiness. How you define that happiness is up to you.

The move toward a more holistic way of thinking and living has almost made “success” a bad word. Many business/life coaches steer clients away from using the term because of its vague and negative bottom line implications.

Is money, renown, and lots of cool stuff the equivalent of success? Sounds pretty great, right? But what if you are miserable at your job every single day of your life in exchange for these things? This may not feel successful even if it looks that way on the outside.

For example, would you feel truly successful as a dentist because it makes your father happy, when you’d really like to become a writer? Dentists make pretty good money. You’d likely be able to afford a nice house and live a more than decent lifestyle. You’d also garner the respect that goes along with being a doctor. But you absolutely cannot stand working on people’s teeth and miss the satisfaction you get from writing. Success? Maybe. Feeling successful? Not so much.

As Alain de Botton explains in his TEDTalk on this modern day conundrum, the true feeling of success boils down to one thing. And that one thing can only be determined by you. What is important to you?

Business and life coaching guru Marie Forleo says what you do for work doesn’t equal your worth, it comes from who you are as a human being. Aha! Check out the video for the rest of Marie’s steps on defining your own personal version of success.

So it seems modern day success looks a lot more like happiness and peace of mind. Not only does a higher measure of personal happiness make you feel more successful, it may actually rub off on a larger scale. Corporate happiness, or a more positive work environment, can mean greater business success organization wide.

As author, Paulo Coelho, puts it “What is success? It is being able to go to bed each night with your soul at peace.”

Related on EcoSalon

Authentic Happiness in Denmark Linked to DNA

10 Best Cities in America for Health and Happiness

How to Find Happiness by Unplugging From Tech

Image of happy successful woman via Shutterstock

The post Happiness and Success: The Modern Day Link appeared first on EcoSalon.

In modern society we have to balance pursuing our passion and fitting into societal norms. Is it possible to have it all?

In today’s society we’re sold two visions of what makes a “good” life:

1. Pursue your passion and live your dreams!

We’re taught that doing what we love is a noble cause and it’s something that we should strive for. Get a better life/work balance. Focus on our talents and creativity. Do good things for the world. Be happy. Live simply.

2. Buy a house, save for retirement and be successful!

Success is defined by money. Climb the corporate ladder, be someone’s boss, make money so you can buy a house and be sure to start a 401k as early as possible. Being busy is a good thing. You should be putting your educational degree to good use. Drive a big car, have a house with a hot tub. Be a lawyer, a doctor, be a hedge fund manager, but whatever you do, do something that commands respect.

But these two approaches to life are often in complete opposition to one another. We’re sold an American Dream that is literally unattainable without some sort of compromise, and we like to glaze right over that compromise. “You can do it all!” we’re told. But can we?

If we’re freelancing, in charge of our own schedule, and generally happy with our tiny artsy studio apartment or tiny house, we’re stressed because we don’t have a retirement plan, our friends and family give us the “are you going to grow up soon” look and we wonder if maybe we should have been smarter about putting our degree to good use. We feel guilty for leaving early for a long weekend. “Shouldn’t I have become a lawyer by now?” you say to yourself as others around you buy houses, have babies and nest their way into domestic bliss.

But if we’re on the professional route, we work 60 hours a week, our health falls to the back burner, we’re stressed and burnt out, and despite the number of diplomas on the wall and raises in the board room we wonder, “shouldn’t I simplify and really focus on being happy in my life?”

If you have ever doubted your path in life, you are not alone. And asking whether or not you really can have it all is a common question.

Our culture feeds us two contradicting ideals. Since we live in a world driven by consumerism, it’s no surprise that money is the definition of success, and even if all the self help books have clearly outlined the way to happiness (hint: it’s not money) it’s a nagging thought at the back of our brains that never really goes away. Why do you think people spend so much time looking at inspirational quotes on Pinterest? Here’s a reminder: an inspirational quote is only inspirational if it actually gets you to take action.

Going after happiness is about navigating these worlds, being conscious that no matter how much culture tells us to “pursue our passion” there’s always a grim reality that comes with that pursuit.

How do we create a life where we get both? We don’t. That is to say, we can have elements of both, but we must come to terms with the fact that to do so, there will be some element of compromise. We must also be hyper conscious of the societal pressures at hand. No matter how much marketing and advertising tells you that you can have it all, you can’t.

Can you have it all? No. Because no matter what we do, there will always be a compromise, but it is learning to appreciate and understand that compromise that helps us to live better. We give up one thing and get another in return. We do a cost-benefit analysis.

We can do one thing and that is to live consciously. Make decisions that make sense for us individually. Sometimes that means dropping everything and moving to Mexico to become a yoga instructor. Sometimes that means taking a 9 to 5 office job and not having the flexibility to travel when you want. It’s up to you to weigh the pros and cons of each. There is a daily reality to both worlds, difficult moments and wonderful ones. But determine what your own dream is, don’t live someone else’s.

Life is meant for living, but it’s also about finding a balance. One that you and only you alone can determine. Define your own success and happiness, whatever that is.

Related on EcoSalon

The New American Dream: 7 New Definitions of Success

30 Best Quotes About Being Present

The Freelancer’s Dilemma: Should You Work for Free?

Image: martinak15

The post Pursue Your Passion… But Don’t Veer Too Far From the Trail appeared first on EcoSalon.

If the American Dream has turned into a nightmare, how do we redefine success?

A friend posted an article recently titled “Welcome’ to the Sharing Economy – Also Known as the Collapse of the American Dream.” The author, Steven Strauss of Harvard Kennedy School, was criticizing the growth of “micro-entrepreneurs” (a word used by Thomas Friedman in an article praising the benefits of this type of system), the clearest example being Airbnb. Why go full entrepreneur and open a hotel if you can just rent out your room and be a micro-entrepreneur?  Friedman argues that this type of economy is the way of the future, but for Strauss, it’s the demise of the one thing that we’re all taught to go after: The American Dream.

But what is the American Dream?

While we all have an idea of what the American Dream is and represents, for the actual definition we go back to 1930, when writer and historian James Truslow Adams penned “The Epic of America.” In this book he defines the American Dream as the “dream of a land in which life should be better and richer and fuller for everyone, with opportunity for each according to ability or achievement.”

While we may not learn the term right away, we are quickly taught the iconic symbols: a house with a white picket fence, a smiling family, a hardworking individual that starts with barely anything and works his or her way up. Success. Respect. Riches. That’s Strauss’ world. The one he is so afraid a collaborative economy will detract from.

But step back to look at the American Dream and it’s easy to see that much of it is more of an illusion than reality. Be born into a well-to-do family and your chances of being well-to-do yourself are much higher than those around you. Get stuck with a low paying job and these days, you might be hard pressed to ever get out of it. We’re stressed, we’re depressed and we’re overweight. Is that what we dream of? Not to be cliche or anything, but isn’t this a nightmare?

It’s time we redefined the American Dream. A “dream of a land in which life should be better and richer and fuller for everyone” doesn’t have to mean that everyone should aspire to be CEOs of large corporations. We know exactly the impact that those large corporations have on the general public and environment. No, we need a new understanding of “better and richer and fuller,” one that takes into consideration our actual happiness and the health of our community.

Maybe it’s time we redefined our visions of success. In this new economy, where we aim to support each other, collaborate, and leave a better world for our children, here are seven different ways to redefine success.

1. Building Your Own Tiny Home

Take up less space, live off the grid and have more time for your friends and family. Yes, please.

2. Being Flexible

Stuck in an office from 9-to-5 is out, working long hours when you want to, for a cause you believe in, is in. Traditionalists may view this as inefficient slacking. Modernists will see this as the new way of getting things done, finding a balance between work and personal life that isn’t defined by a certain time of day.

3. Becoming More Self Sufficient

In an industrialized world, we have forgotten most of the tangible skills of our forefathers, all in the name of efficiency. Baking your own bread, mending your own clothes, coming together and taking care of a neighborhood vegetable garden – this isn’t vintage, this is the way of the future.

4. Considering Others and Building Community

We have cultivated a culture of poverty, and unless we take a serious step back to address steps to fix it, we can expect to continue to live in a world of haves and have-nots. The world isn’t about stepping on other people’s shoulders to make your own way tot the top, it’s about banding together to ensure that we’re all healthy and happy. Because a community loves, nurtures and supports. It’s time to accept that we can’t do it all alone.

5. Publishing Your Own Book

I don’t mean sending off proposals and waiting for huge publishers to call. I mean bleeding sweat and tears to do it all yourself. Fifty years ago this would have been unimaginable. Today, you’re only limited by your own determination.

6. Maintaining Your Health

You have one task every single day: keep yourself alive. Most of us however are literally killing ourselves with our diets and our sedentary lifestyles. It’s a privilege to be able to be active. Use your body and treat it well.

7. (Really) Enjoying Life

Why is it that we commend those around us for being busy, for working 90 hour weeks, for cramming in a salad in between meetings, while we scoff at the French and their two hour lunches and wonder how in God’s name those Europeans with their long vacations ever get anything done? Reality check people: a job is supposed to give you the means to live your life, not the other way around. Take a step back, slow down, enjoy the little things.

Related on EcoSalon

Tiny: A Story About Living Small

5 Things Happy and Successful People Don’t Do

The American Dream (Home), Deconstructed

Image: Inhabitat Blog

The post The New American Dream: 7 Different Definitions of Success appeared first on EcoSalon.

Finding your own success is undoubtedly a learning experience, and being able to take an aerial view of your life to see what works and what doesn’t is key. Happy and successful people actually have a lot more in common than you might think, and their most defining feature isn’t just good luck. Learning what they do is important but even more helpful is understanding what they DON’T do.

1. Rely on willpower.

Willpower is a finite resource and eventually it wears out. In order to change habits in your life you need to change your daily rituals. If you can’t drink moderately, don’t go out to bars. If you eat too much when you’re making dinner at home, have meals prepared beforehand so you don’t dig in when you’re famished. If you consistently blow off your morning workout, enlist a friend to hold you accountable. But don’t just depend on your willpower to guide you because it won’t.

2. Make drastic changes.

All of the successful changes I’ve made in my life are the result of gradual change. From giving up meat, to going organic, to losing weight, and adding in daily yoga, all the changes I’ve successfully accomplished have come over years of slight transition. Real change cannot come over night.

3. Refuse to look within.

Self examination is one of the key tenets to being a successful person. Learn what you’re doing that works and what doesn’t work. Whether it be meditation, counseling, or seeking out a life coach, find a means of taking a closer look within and understanding what makes you tick.

4. Act stubborn.

Refusing to acknowledge your flaws or when you’re wrong isn’t getting you anywhere. It comes back to learning to look within even when you don’t like what you see.

5. Feel sorry for themselves.

Feeling sorry for yourself isn’t an option in the realm of happy and successful people. It’s a paralyzing waste of time. The world doesn’t owe you a thing. If there’s something that you want in this life, then you have to set your sights and work hard to get it. Feeling sorry for yourself also causes you to dwell in the past instead of focusing in on the present moment. The present moment is the only thing that you can actually impact and happy and successful people don’t ever waste energy on things they can’t control.

Related on EcoSalon:
7 Reasons Why Women Lack Confidence and What To Do About It
Motivational Qutoes on Success
5 Successful Women with Undeniable Leadership Skills

Image: kenteegarden

The post 5 Things Happy and Successful People DON’T Do appeared first on EcoSalon.

Do you have trouble going after what you want? Have you been offered a big opportunity but don’t know if you have the confidence to make it happen? Learn seven of the most common reasons that women lack confidence, and how to bust through each one.

Far fewer women than men are entrepreneurs because women are generally more afraid of failure than men, according to the Global Entrepreneurship Monitor 2012 Women’s Report [PDF]. In the battle of the sexes, women fall short in terms of confidence, which is unfortunate because self confidence plays an important part in both personal and professional success.

So why are women more likely to lack confidence than men? And more importantly, what can women do to break the cycle?

1. The world around you.

Confidence is your inner perception of your own ability to fulfill a particular job or role in society and it’s influenced by the world around you. This includes crazy families, downer friends, non-supportive partners, and negative employers.

What to do:

Surround yourself with support. Pick a spouse who believes in you, a boss that sees your success, and supportive friends to push you in the right direction when you need it the most.

2. Not living up to goals.

When a goal is accomplished it inspires confidence, but in the same regard, when a goal isn’t accomplished it leads us to question ourselves further.

What to do:

Create a list of well thought out values that you want to achieve in your life. And over time set achievable goals over fixed periods of time. Being a goal oriented individual will do a lot to help you achieve success and even more importantly, build confidence through that success.

3. Faking it until you make it.

Everyone says that you should fake it until you make it, but the fact of the matter is false confidence is no better than lacking confidence.

What to Do:

Take steps to build real confidence. Don’t duck at meetings, speak up. Don’t wait to be chosen. Admit what you don’t know but emphasize the strengths that demonstrate your potential for success.

4. Women assume others are smarter than them.

Women often think that they’re surrounded by people that are smarter than them. There’s a fear of their employer “finding out” that they’re not deserving of their position. Men are less likely to waste time on this sort of thinking.

What to do:

Realize when negative self talk takes over. You’re just as deserving of your position as the dude to your right so stop wasting time on repetitive negative thinking.

5. General pessimism.

Those that lack confidence also tend to think negatively. Just like you think that everyone else is smarter than you, you also think that everyone is prettier, kinder, and has their sh*t together.

What to do:

The power of positive thinking is real. Take a bad situation and try and imagine the positive outcomes that could come from it. Step by step, have faith in either a higher power or yourself (or both). You’ll be shocked at how much more positive the outcome can be. And don’t settle for negative people, they just bring you down.

6. Hormonal surges.

Unfortunate but true. Women have hormonal surges that men don’t have to deal with because of the flow  of estrogen and progesterone in the brain. Sometimes the way we interpret feedback has to do with where we are in our cycle. In fact, 90 percent of women experience some form of low self-esteem two to four days before they start their period.

What to do:

This is a hard one but there are some steps that you can take. Cut back on sugar, alcohol, and caffeine, which all impact mood. Get enough sleep and realize that your moods aren’t you they’re just a part of you. It’s easy to believe the bad when you’re in a bad place.

7. Half genes and half surroundings.

Our personalities are half our genes and half our surroundings. If your parents lacked onfidence than you’re more likely to struggle with it. Additionally, if your parents didn’t demonstrate a belief or interest in your abilities than you won’t either.

What to do:

You can’t help your genes but you can completely help your surroundings. It’s for this reason that number 1 is so darn important.

Related on EcoSalon:
10 Real-Life Women Superheroes
25 Inspirational Quotes on the Power of Women
Women on Film: Channeling Confidence

Image: Victor1558

The post 7 Reasons Why Women Lack Confidence (And What to Do About it) appeared first on EcoSalon.

The way you start your day has a drastic effect on how the rest of it will unfold. Getting into routine of taking quality time for yourself–a power hour–could be a key to not only a successful day, but a successful life.

Inspired by Fast Company’s “What Successful People Do With the First Hour of Their Day” here are tips for a successful day and thus, successful life.

1. Your email isn’t going anywhere, don’t check it first thing.

This might seem like career suicide to some, or waking up without your left arm attached, but get in the habit of avoiding reading your email first thing.  Looking at emails first thing will make your head spin with things you have to do, people who didn’t yet get back to you or that what’s happening in the middle-east. Yes, these are all important things, but with the busy lives we live, taking that time to ourself to clear our head is vital. Plus, don’t worry all those emails, they’ll still be there when power hour is over.

2. Are you doing what you want to be doing?

Yes, I know–this could sound a little overwhelming and perhaps broad, but really, are you? Ask yourself if what you are going to do is exactly what you want to do today. Will it make you happy? Fulfilled? Life is short and the time is now. Power hour is a great time to evaluate progress toward the goals that matter.

3. Get your blood pumping.

Take a walk, run, stretch, kickbox–even if it’s only for seven minutes, get your body moving!

4. Do the big stuff first.

The first hour of the day can be the best for power hour. Use it to take time for yourself to reflect and prepare for the day ahead or use the time to tackle your daily demons. Do that one thing you don’t want to do. Or that one thing that scares you. By doing this first you’ll clear it out of the way, make room for everything else and feel extremely accomplished throughout the entire day.

5. Gratitude and gratefulness.

What are you grateful for? Say a little Grace for all the wonderful things in your life that are so often over looked. Take time during power hour to visualize what you are grateful.  This gratitude will fill you with a sense of abundance, but will also allow you to see clearly what else you want to manifest into your life.

See Also:

Brain Games: 3 Easy Exercises for a Happy, Healthy Brain

31 Motivational Quotes on Success

image: Mc Cafe And Store

The post Power Hour: Elevate Success By Mastering Your Morning Routine appeared first on EcoSalon.

Many try to achieve success, but do we, as a society, have the wrong idea?  Here is a round up of 31 motivational quotes on success from people who have lived it by putting in hard work and perseverance, and never looked back to gloat.    

Quotes on Success

1. Work hard in silence, let success be your noise. -Frank Ocean

2. Success is not a doorway, it is a staircase. -Dottie Walters

3. One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star. -Friedrich Nietzsche

4. Self-trust is the first secret of success. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

5. You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life. -Steve Jobs

6. Successful people are always looking for opportunities to help others.  Unsuccessful people are always asking, ‘What’s in it for me?’ -Brian Tracy

7. Always be yourself, express yourself, have faith in yourself, do not go out and look for a successful personality and duplicate it. -Bruce Lee

image: Gareth Williams

8. I never dreamed about success. I worked for it. -Estee Lauder

9. Success is 10 percent inspiration and 90 percent perspiration. -Thomas Edison

10. Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it. –Maya Angelou

11. A successful life is nothing more than a series of successful days. -Thomas D. Willhite

12. Success is sweet and sweeter if long delayed and gotten through many struggles and defeats. –Amos Bronson Alcott

13. Success is a result, not a goal. -Gustave Flaubert

14. I must admit, I personally measure success in terms of the contributions an individual makes to their fellow human beings.  -Margaret Mead

15. Success is achieved by developing our strengths, not by eliminating our weaknesses. -Marilyn Vos Savant

16. Talent in cheaper than table salt. What separates the talented individual from the successful one is a lot of hard work. -Stephen King

17. If your ship doesn’t come in, swim out to meet it! -Jonathan Winters

18. If you want to be successful, it’s just this simple. Know what you are doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in what you are doing. –Will Rogers

image: h.koppdelaney

19. If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, where X is work, Y is play, and Z is keep your mouth shut. –Albert Einstein

20. Willpower is the key to success. Successful people strive no matter what they feel by applying their will to overcome apathy, doubt or fear. -Dan Millman

21. However successful you are, there is no substitute for a close relationship. We all need them. -Francesca Annis

22. Success is measured by what you do after they tell you ‘no.’ -Baylor Barbee

23. Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out. -Robert Collier

24. Ambition is a dream with a V8 engine. -Elvis Presley

25. Don’t aim for success if you want it; just do what you love and believe in, and it will come naturally. -David Frost

26. The ladder of success is best climbed by stepping on the rungs of opportunity. -Ayn Rand

27. Eighty percent of success is showing up. -Woody Allen

28. I attribute my success to this: I never gave or took any excuse. -Florence Nightingale

29. I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. -Bill Cosby

30. Patience, persistence and perspiration make an unbeatable combination for success. –Napoleon Hill

31. It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which, more than anything else, will affect its successful outcome. –William James

image: Arya Ziai

Want more quotes?

25 Inspirational Quotes on the Power of Women

30 Best Quotes About Sex

30 Best Quotes on Living Small

30 Famous Quotes About Change

top image: kenteegardin

The post 31 Motivational Quotes on Success appeared first on EcoSalon.

Be prepared for anything.

I was in the ladies room when I ran into a good-friend-of-a-good-friend. We were thrilled to see each other. “I didn’t know you’d be here!” I said as we hugged.

“Well how often do you come to this city to speak?! I wouldn’t miss it!” she replied.

We caught up quickly on our kids and men and careers. It was slightly rushed because I was about to go on stage to speak.

That last time I’d seen her, she and her husband were handing me a large check as an investment into my old company. Like everyone who invested in the business — from family to Venture Capitalists — they had high hopes for success that we’d all profit from. The business went sideways. When I sent out an email to my circle of friends/investors that it was game over — the company was failing fast — I guarded myself for critical responses. My business savvy friends consoled me: People don’t invest unless they can afford to lose. Everyone here is a grown up. You can move on. Still, I had to wipe the tears off of my keyboard when I pressed send on that email.

Back to the ladies rooms in a snowy city five minutes before curtain call…

“You know I just want to tell you how happy I am for all of your success,” she said. The air got quiet, I knew something else was coming and for a nanosecond I wondered if this would be the time she rightfully gave me a verbal plow for that um, old business ordeal. Instead, this: “Your success now affirms that we were right to invest. It feels so good to know that.”

“I…I…You’re incredible. Thank you. My God…I mean…sorry it didn’t work out…wow…thank you. You’re…wow.” I was so moved. And impressed.

“Oh it’s not about the money,” she said. “It’s just a great affirmation that our instincts were good. The timing wasn’t right, but our hearts were.”

Thankfully I had a crowd waiting, because I could have wept then and there. I bit my lip to distract myself from crying. We hugged. I went off to do my thing and on the plane ride home, I surmised that that was one of the most beautiful acts of grace I’d ever been on the receiving end of.

Loss brings out our truest self.
And while natural grace doesn’t come naturally to all of us —
especially when we lose — it can be cultivated…
if you go out of your way to be grateful.

Danielle LaPorte is the outspoken author of The Fire Starter Sessions: A Soulful + Practical Guide for Creating Success on Your Own Terms (from Random House/Crown). A business strategist and inspirational speaker, she’s the co-creator of Your Big Beautiful Book Plan, and her next online program launches this November, called, THE DESIRE MAP.
Over a million visitors have gone to DanielleLaPorte.com for her straight-up advice — a site that’s been deemed “the best place on-line for kick-ass spirituality”, and was named one of the “Top 100 Websites for Women” by Forbes.
Danielle has been featured in Elle, Body + Soul, Vogue Australia, Better Homes & Gardens, Globe & Mail, The National Post, The Huffington Post, Entertainment Tonight, USAToday and BusinessWeek.com. She was a news show commentator for CBC, and is a former director of a Washington-DC think tank, where she managed a team of analysts studying global trends for the likes of the Pentagon and the World Bank.
Based in Vancouver, BC, you can find her on Facebook and Twitter @daniellelaporte

Image: Kevin Murphy

The post How To Be Classy When It Doesn’t Work Out The Way You Expected. The Grace of Loss appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnHigh fives, ladies, we’re the fixer-upper gender!

In light of the recent release of the Tush Tickler, your guide to “analplay adventures for everybooty,” you might be tempted to think there’s no personal development book under the sun left to be published, what with books being published where the sun don’t shine. You would think wrong. There are mines, rich veins, whole mountaintops of self help publishing left to be penetrated for our betterment. And isn’t that what it’s all about, ladies? Less thinking wrong, less thinking generally, more betterment?

They say print is dead. This simply isn’t true, because we have women, and as long as we have women, we will think of new books to improve them. Just check out these hot new self help titles for 2012!*

Everything I Need to Know in Life I Learned From My Dental Hygienist. Everything

“Some people say cleanliness is next to godliness. Some people also say pearly whites are next to pearly gates.” – Fox News

Raising Self Esteem by Broadcasting Everything Wrong With Yourself in Social Media

“Stunningly original approach to self help. Guaranteed to be a smash hit. Step aside, 7 Habits of Highly Successful People. Move over, The Secret. Sure to be an instant classic.” – Kirkus Book Reviews

Life Without Contraception in This Country

“A brilliant guide for the suddenly lesbian.” –  San Francisco Chronicle

Just Keep Telling Yourself It’s Not Personal, and Other Coping Techniques for Losers

“Denial is not to be stamped out, but amplified, explains this sage and insightful personal development primer that is the best thing I’ve seen yet at this low paying self help book review job I absolutely adore and vastly prefer to writing my novel.” – Internet Book Reviews Reviews of Books Best Book Reviews Online Internet Resource for Book Reviews Win Free Money, a subsidiary of Demand Media

If You Could Only Be Perfect!

“For the adult child who longs for the odd comfort of daily remonstrations at the hands of a tyrannical parent, this cruel, critical, fault-finding, nagging book is a lifeline nearly as judgmental as Mom herself, and certainly as disappointed as the Baby Jesus. The accompanying photo album for holding embarrassing childhood photographs to show prospective suitors is a thoughtful touch from the publisher, which clearly spared no expense in the creative development and packaging of this timely title. Now, more than ever, we need self-loathing.” – Brigham Young University Press

So He Left You for a 25-Year-Old She Probably Squeaks, and Other Crass Koans to Help You Feel Less Bitter About Being 50 and Divorced with a Credit Rating Shot to Hell Thanks to That Jerk Who Is So Immature Even the Therapist Despises Him Especially After She Slept with Him Because He’s Not Even Good in Bed! I Know!

“The author holds a canny grasp on the marriage zeitgeist, which is to say, the divorce zeitgeist.” – the Guardian

The Art of the Fake Orgasm

“A helpful how-to for pretending to reach climax during sexual intercourse, this delightful guide is full of creative tips for faking orgasm, along with dozens of real stories from women – and men – of all walks of life. This work would have been enhanced by the inclusion of expert insights from health professionals instead of the author’s friends. Still, a useful book for those interested in mastery of fake orgasms.” – Publishers Weekly

Is It Just Me or Does Nonviolent Communication Feel Like Suffocating Inside Sweaty Flannel Sheets?

“That’s not the actual title, but it should be! The NVC Myth: My Years of Suffering Through the Most Annoying Form of Communication on Earth really nails it. I knew exactly what the author meant the second I saw the book. For the stage five clinger not wanting the relationship to end and therefore having difficulty accepting the other party’s lack of interest, NVC must be a thrilling godsend, a therapeutically validated method for maintaining the connection for as long as humanly possible. For the party who isn’t the control freak endowed with epic levels of neurotic insecurity, NVC feels pretty much like you’re still dating the person only this time completely against your will.” – Amazon buyer itsworsethanherpes

How to Stop Beating Yourself Up for Misplacing the Keys for the Seven Millionth Time Today in One Easy Step Which We’ll Just Put in the Title: Anytime You Lose Something It Will Always Be Wherever You Left It, Except if There’s an Earthquake Then It Might Not Be Right Exactly Where You Left It But Probably Still Pretty Close By

“Though the entire contents of the book are on the cover, the intrepid reader or average New Yorker will soon grasp the many layers of this fundamental truism of life resting poetically within a simplistic single line. At once simple and nuanced, by turns pithy and existential, at once hilarious and brutal, by turns banal and profound, at once postmodern and tragic, by turns brisk and solemn, at once boring and random, by turns witty and frank, at once silly and bold, by turns like a girl wrote it and intelligent, at once riveting and poignant, by turns refreshing and compelling, this book is a triumph, an opus, a masterpiece, a tour de force. Deeply present. Deeply personal. Deeply provocative. Deeply shallow, while being deep in a shallow way. A Midwestern sensibility delicately permeates this experimental title, which is paradoxical in a richly ironic sense, reminiscent of the very best early work of Dave Eggars but also the biting disgust of a slightly older, slightly puffier Jonathan Franzen; both quiet like DeLillo and noisy like Safran Foer, if they were beverages. The book for the times, the book of the times, the book and the times.” –  The New York Times Book Review

What To Do About Your Wide Set Cleavage

“Wide set cleavage is a problem most women have, though many simply don’t realize it. This step-by-step guide takes the reader from DIY all the way to surgery, with scaffolding diagrams, resources, and plenty of tips for each stage of the journey to more attractive breasts.” – Allure

We need so much help. So much.

This is the latest installment in your editor’s column, The Insider’s Guide to Life.

*Note: These are not actual books nor actual reviews.

Image: quinn.anya

The post The Insider’s Guide to Life: 10 New Self Help Titles You Don’t Want to Miss appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnOn finding your family.

I will never forget the day in first grade when we watched The Sword in the Stone. If you’ve seen the classic cartoon, you’ll remember the scene when Merlin turns Wart into a squirrel and a she-squirrel falls hopelessly in love with him. The poor kid can’t get away from the besotted rodent, until at last Merlin comes to his rescue and she-squirrel finds herself clutching at a real live boy. She’s terrified, then devastated. We see her weeping she-squirrel tears in disbelief as a relieved Wart trots away. Sucker that I am for a downtrodden rodent (but aren’t we all), I wept right along with her, a cascade of silent tears streaking my six-year-old cheeks. Her pain was my pain – and then I felt my own, actual pain, as the little boy sitting next to me started wringing my neck. I jerked away and stared at him.

Fast forward to 2004, another film, this time: Hotel Rwanda. I was in Santa Monica with a few friends who had Hollywood aspirations. If you haven’t seen the film, it is one of the most intense portrayals of the individual human spirit you will ever watch. The forceful, desperate pulse of the lead character’s will, set in the context of the horrific genocide of Rwanda, is unforgettable, and is a triumph for a small film. After two hours of the unbearable tick-tick-tick pace and scene after scene of machete-wielding violence, I walked out of the film feeling shaken, grateful, and dazed. Turning to my friends, I grasped for words to express my thoughts, but was cut off by the other woman in the group. “Well, there is one thing you can definitely say about that movie.” I waited for the heartfelt statement about the tragic violence or perhaps the awestruck compliment of the lead character’s heroism. She shook her head in pity. “Terrible production values.”

Before I could ask her if she’d just seen the same film I did, the other two concurred and they launched into a spirited episode of Shallow People Peanut Gallery, criticizing the rough editing in spots, the unpolished dialogue in others, the not-enough-blood generally. I was speechless as we walked down the Third Street Promenade, marveling at this wading pool of empathy on display, until one of them finally noticed. “I think it’s really sad that you could watch a true story about genocide and an incredible character deliver an amazing performance and the first thing out of your mouths is that the production is a little rough. That’s what I think.” With that, I marched away. These were not my people. These were not even my friends.

The best part about a clean break is that it frees up your social schedule like you wouldn’t believe. You now have plenty of wide, empty hours to find your people – and you make the twin discovery that once you find them, you just keep finding more. Or, as a friend in midlife put it, “You find one or two good ones a year, hang on to them, and pretty soon you have the whole set.”

Of course, it works both ways. Sometimes you are not someone else’s people, either. I remember the time I was on a first date with a retired fighter turned celebrity trainer. He was wrapped up in a chicken dish at a party and I’d approached him to ask him out, admiring his calm, studious physique, I mean, demeanor. My friend, John, was put off by the man, saying he could never trust a guy who eats chicken with such intensity. I rolled my eyes. This guy could totally be my people! He could even be…the one. Midway through the date, he began telling me about the new line of fitness videos he was about to debut. I smiled encouragingly and he got excited and began to tell me more. Nodding in support, I said, “Well, it’ll be refreshing to have some other LA fitness video that isn’t that obnoxious Billy Blanks. God, that guy! Could he be any more annoying? I mean Tae Bo, really? And those shorts!” I was feeling pretty pleased with my supportive attitude until I realized his fork had been hanging in the air halfway to his mouth for at least three of my sentences. He set the fork down and set his cold gaze upon me. “Billy Blanks is my mentor for this project. He taught me everything I know. In fact, he’s my best friend.”

I wasn’t his people.

There was the cut-short, alas, love who informed me blithely, “I don’t really care about the planet.” Well, then.

There was the college sorority I rushed that decorated their final party with hundreds of shopping bags, from Gucci and Tiffany’s to Victoria’s Secret and Forever 21. And they let me rush right on by.

We spend whole marriages with people who are not our people, pass through whole decades before we look up and realize we’re not holding on to a squirrel at all.

Still, I remain convinced you have more people than you realize and it’s not based on whether your feathers go together. It’s about who has your back. The Dallas socialite who votes Republican and asks you about the Fox special on global warming being a hoax happens to care a lot if Monsanto is shutting down family farms in Lubbock. She might also buy a hybrid Lexus (baby steps, baby) and put solar panels on her roof. And she might track those panels’ efficiency on her iPhone app – that is, when she’s not busy rescuing abused and abandoned dogs. That girl might be one of your best friends, in fact.

We’ve all read about the factors for success. Over the years, we’ve credited genetics, or privilege, or competitive set, or IQ. Malcolm Gladwell currently has us all favoring the spend-enough-time-at-it-and-you’ll-become-a-genius theory. (It’s appealing, to be sure.) Ten years or 10,000 hours of dedicated attention to one pursuit, and you, too, could be Bill Gates or perhaps Steve Jobs. I think there’s got to be something in all these factors, including Fate’s friend, Random Chance, but I also think there’s something more: finding your people. They are necessary these days.

It’s true that many of our great artists and talents have labored in solitude, and accomplished things that have changed the way we live and think. There are so many exceptions to the people argument, we could spend a very long column exploring them. For every star with a cast of supporting characters behind her is the virtual hermit slaving over a pending masterpiece. So I don’t mean to be definitive, but I do believe that your people are crucial not only to how you feel, but to what you get done.

Do you need to mentor yet another struggling Special Snowflake? Do you have to remind yourself – again – that your friend on Devil’s Advocate Autopilot “means well”? The friend who dismisses your change-the-world ambitions as silly or pointless or weird – you may like, even love, this person content to do not very much, but does she help you grow? He may think you’re acting like you’re too good for him. Maybe that’s because you are.

Shallow, sidelining, selling, undermining, operating, manipulating, mean girls, jealous boys. We know them all and sometimes we are them. All our pasts, unless you’re perfect, are littered with episodes of regrettable behavior towards others. The difference is that some learn and grow, while others flit. For them, life is an endless loop of hive-flocking and resume-gardening. It’s an easier life, and many perfectly decent people choose it. Of course, yours is different. You couldn’t fritter a letter to Mom, much less a life. Which is why sometimes we need to remind each other not to fritter our friendships, either. And sometimes, we just have to walk away.

This is the latest installment in your editor’s column, The Insider’s Guide to Life, exploring topics such as media, culture, sex, politics, and style. Cheers and spellcheck!

Image: Gilles Gonthier

The post The Insider’s Guide to Life: My People, Your People appeared first on EcoSalon.