How women at work are holding themselves back – and what to do about it.

There are oodles of women at work who feel stuck: Either they feel like they’re spinning their tires, or their hard work is forever being ignored (“Hello? Is this thing on?”). A good chunk of us have habits that are holding us back from greatness. What’s worse, they’re burrowed in our subconscious, so we’re sabotaging ourselves without even knowing it!

Here are 9 career mistakes women at work make without even realizing it (and how you can get your sh*t together):

1. Lacking a clear focus

When we go after the work/home/life trifecta, many of us try to perfect each area of our life simultaneously, which leads to less than stellar results. When women at work do this, it’s easy to end up overlooked for projects and promotions, since you’re not carving out a specific place for yourself. Decide what you want to be known for: This will help you prioritize and stand out.

2. Mistaking “busy” for productive

Women are more prone to multitasking, making it easy for us to stretch ourselves too thin. We’re also detail-oriented – a skill that can just as easily work against us. While you’re making sure to attend every meeting, reply to your e-mails in a timely manner and maintain a dust-free desk, your co-worker just landed a new account from a desk covered in discolored post-its and chocolate bar wrappers. Ask yourself what you need to do each day to accomplish your big-picture goals, then use the time leftover to deal with the minor details.

3. Avoiding conflict

It’s true: Conflict is distracting, and for the most part unnecessary. However, avoiding it altogether means no professional or personal growth. Who wants to feel like they’re on a hamster wheel? Know the difference between good and bad conflict. Good conflict is having a respectful disagreement with a coworker or expressing an opinion (even if it’s unpopular) – you’re expressing your individuality, which is always a good thing. Bad conflict is participating in catty gossip, backstabbing, and passive aggressive manipulation. Don’t get sucked in.

4. Neglecting other areas of life

I’ve spent most of my life having no other identity outside of being a writer, so trust me when I say neglecting other areas of your life for the sake of your career is bad news. Not only do you end up feeling like a drone, there’s no way for you to offer unique contributions at work or in your relationships (oh wait, that’s right, you don’t have any). When you maintain other interests outside of work, you become someone other people want to know and do great things with.

5. Using wishy-washy words

When you talk to your boss or co-workers, you sound too much like the Goofy Gophers (“Indubitably!”). Being easy to get along with is one thing, but go overboard and you’ll make it seem like you’re apologizing for your entire existence and have no confidence whatsoever. Nix the following out of your vocabulary, stat:

• Kind of/Sort of
• Might/Maybe
• Actually
• Just
• I’m sorry, but…

Seriously, give it a try. Your sentences will sound a lot stronger (you know, like the Terminator).

6. Sidestepping decisions

Everyone loves a good pro/con list, but when asked for your opinion, don’t sit on the fence. When you want to make a move, go with your gut, don’t ask for 10,000 opinions before making a choice. The same goes for saying yes too fast: When you’re asked to help out (even if you’re only grabbing coffee for everyone before a meeting), make sure your decision is based on sincerity, not obligation. Asking yourself, “Does doing this improve my bottom line?” isn’t selfish – it’s strategy.

7. Being impatient

One of the biggest mistakes I ever made was bulldozing my way into the lifestyle I wanted instead of letting it happen naturally. By the time I reached my goals, not only was I severely burnt out, but I wasn’t emotionally prepared to handle all of the responsibilities I had created. No matter how lofty your goals, trust in the fact that you’ll reach them. Pushing to make your goals happen as fast as possible sucks the enjoyment out of literally everything. Stop. Breathe. Repeat.

8. Trying to fit in

It’s good to have tight bonds with other women at work, but not at the expense of your career. In other words, just because you want to go for that promotion or take up other interests outside of work doesn’t mean you’re being deceitful or catty. You, just like the other women you work with, are there to get ahead and leave a mark (or several). If they’re your “real” friends, they’ll support your career moves 100 percent.

9. Acting like “one of the boys”

You don’t need to be anyone but yourself to become successful. Period.

What tips would you add to help women at work thrive?

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Image: Victor1558

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ColumnEqual pay, the high cost of womanhood, and one Hot Ass Attorney General

1. We Are (Still) the 77%

Last Tuesday was Equal Pay Day, the annual marker to highlight the wage gap between men and women. It falls roughly when a woman’s earning matches what a man in a comparable job made the previous year. Meaning, I should now make what a man doing my job was making in April of 2012. Go me!

Passed 50 years ago, The Equal Pay Act—prohibiting employers from paying a man more than a woman for the same job, and from retaliating against women employees who challenge pay disparities—sounds like just the thing to have solved the wage gap. It hasn’t. According to Census Bureau data, the pay discrepancy exists in all 50 states. Women make, on average, 77 cents for every dollar a man makes; and when race is added to the picture, the reality is even worse: African-American women earn 69 cents on the dollar and Hispanic women earn 60 cents, according to the Institute for Women’s Policy Research.

Many women are the sole, or primary, earner in their households—and whether that household includes a husband and kids, a partner or a well-loved dog—we deserve to be paid for the work we are doing, not for our boss’ perception of our need or our access to additional financial support. We don’t rent an apartment for 77 percent of what our male neighbors pay. We don’t pay 77 percent of the man-price for our transit passes. Our kids’ tuition isn’t marked down if a lady writes the check. Demand your whole check.

2. …And It Feels Like We’re Never Going to Catch Up

Complaints about our higher dry cleaning bills and the cost of makeup and the other things we have to spend money on to seem professional (that men don’t have to shell out for) are valid. However, the cost of being a woman is way higher than I thought. Turns out, all of those $70 dry cleaning bills are only the tip of the iceberg.

A new infographic from BrainTrack shows that over the course of our lives, everything from a disparity in savings to the cost of healthcare, is going to cost us $850,000. Which is one more reason we need to fight for equal pay.

3. But, At Least We Have One Hot Attorney General!

I am totally allowed to say that. You know why? Because I am not the President. I am not her boss. I don’t work with her at all (though I have actually interviewed her—but it was over the phone so I didn’t get to enjoy her hotness in person). My appreciation of Kamala Harris’ assets doesn’t undermine her accomplishments.

Okay, yes. It may be true that Harris is better looking than her predecessors, and that the President has referred to men’s looks as well—and he apologized for his comment. But, his timing sucks. Women in the workforce is a huge topic of conversation at the moment; open any news site and you’ll find a number of articles about the way women in tech are treated, the impact of motherhood on a woman’s lifetime earning potential, how much everyone loves or hates Sheryl Sandberg, etc.

While it was a dumb, throwback thing to say, I don’t think President Obama is sexist. From what I have seen, he has a healthy respect for women in the workplace (see: Clinton, H., as well as his commitment during the most recent State of the Union address to renewing the fight for pay equity) and at home (Michelle Obama is the coolest, hottest First Lady ever—and I hope the Prez tells her that on a regular basis because he is totally allowed to).

I do, however, think it’s a good reminder of how easy it is to forget to separate co-workers from friends, spouses, people in bars and the like. A solid rule of thumb: Just don’t comment on a colleague’s appearance. For a list of possible exceptions and rules to live by, check out Jezebel.

Image: Michael Panse

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Column Until we remove the stigma around feminism and stop creating barriers between each other, we’re not going to achieve equality, no matter how far in we may lean.

The first act of feminism I witnessed was mortifying. I was at my Brownie Fly-Up ceremony, the celebration of our troop graduating from Brownies to Girl Scouts. There we were. On stage. And the leaders of all of the local troops were supposed to sing us a song before we walked the ceremonial bridge over a mirror, which is actually a little creepy when you think about it, to become Girl Scouts. I watched in horror as our leaders—one of whom was my own mother—stood silently staring into the crowd. Not singing.

Suddenly, Troop 310 was walking the plank. I glared at my mom and asked why she had done that to me. She replied, “Did you listen to the words of the song?” I had not.

It was a cheery rhyming number, the gist of which was that while we failed at everything from tent-pitching to sports, they were letting us graduate anyway. I looked for this song in the official Girl Scout songbook and came up empty. It was probably a local specialty.

At the time, I cared very little about the words and just wanted my mom to have sung and shut up about it. On the way home, we had a long talk about what it would have meant. I lived in a house where Ms. Magazine sat comfortably on the table with an assortment of novels, the New Yorker and newspapers. I distinctly remember an intimidatingly heavy-looking book called Backlash on the table for a while. When my mom explained why the song was wrong, I got it. I was still pissed because, at eight, being embarrassed is about the worst thing possible. But I got it: As a feminist, you don’t belittle yourself and your friends. This is a lesson I have had to relearn many, many times.

And it’s a lesson that seems to be getting lost with this new generation of feminism. This wave (I forget how many waves we’ve had at this point) started last year with Anne-Marie Slaughter’s article in The Atlantic: Why Women Still Can’t Have It All. Talk about backlash.

Cut to today. Marissa Mayer doesn’t identify as a feminist and is, I think, just trying to do her job. But she has been repeatedly criticized for not being a role model for real women, especially the working kind. Then we have Sheryl Sandberg a self-defined feminist starting a deliberate movement.

The criticism of Sandberg has been severe. She doesn’t understand real women. She’s judging us for not working hard enough. She doesn’t get what it takes to make it when you’re not the COO of Facebook (though I would argue that getting to that point in her own career means that she most certainly does get it). We’re picking her apart.

These new voices in mainstream conversations about feminism have a lot in common, which they talk openly about: they are wealthy, straight, attractive, white women. This is the same problem Gloria Steinem faced in the ’70s. Despite the progress Steinem made, she was accused of not understanding the plight of everyone else, of creating an elitist, exclusive movement dedicated to the advancement of a few. Sounds a lot like what people are saying about Sandberg’s book and social campaign, Lean In. Have we not progressed at all?

Once again, we are undermining ourselves because we don’t see ourselves directly reflected in Sandberg’s mirror. But, while our finances might look different, Sandberg argues that we all face the same struggle. In her recent 60 Minutes interview, she says that as women we all learned to downplay our accomplishments from a young age (hell, some of us were even encouraged to celebrate our alleged failures in song). Girls who displayed leadership skills were deemed bossy; as we get older bossy becomes bitchy. She notes that women hold themselves back to avoid these negative stereotypes. While we hold ourselves back, we also take down those women who don’t.

Sandberg is not saying, “Lean in and be me,” but she only has her own life experience to draw from. She’s saying, lean into your own life and ask for whatever it is that you want or need. And yes, it will be easier for women with supportive partners and good jobs. The best response, I think, to her advice about work is Jody Greenstone Miller’s piece in the Wall Street Journal: It’s about changing the structure of the American workday so that all people—parents and singles alike—can have a fulfilling life outside of work. Figure out a way to let people who don’t have Sandberg’s advantages leave work at 5:30, too.

There are many women (and men) just struggling to get by who might look at all of this and say, this isn’t about me. But it is. Feminism has long been about giving a voice to those who are silenced, and Sandberg has the stage. She acknowledges her status and said during the 60 Minutes interview, “Yes, it’s easier for me to say this, and that’s why I am saying it.”

It’s time we stop shooting the messenger and listen to her message. It’s time to stop saying, “I’m not a feminist, but of course I believe I deserve to have a place at whatever table I’m sitting at. I’m not a feminist, but I should be paid as much as my male counterpart. I’m not a feminist, but I think women are equal to men.” It’s long-past time to remove the stigma around feminism, stop creating barriers between each other, and get down to the real conversations about equality at work and at home. As long as we separate ourselves because of a word, we’re not going to achieve equality no matter how far in we may lean.

Image: Lean In

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