Column If you learned everything you know about “cougar women” from “The Graduate” or even “Sex and the City,” you’re still woefully ignorant about a very common dating scenario. There’s nothing predatory about older women dating younger men.

The Mrs. Robinson myth is alive and well, despite major cultural shifts in the last decade. Why are people still so freaked out about older women having sex with younger men?

We may gently “tsk tsk” when we see an older guy with a younger woman – but it’s certainly not viewed as a scandal, as we’ve seen it all a million times. We have a frame of reference for older man/younger woman pairings – evolutionary psychology even tells us that there’s a biological basis for it. (Note that I’ve roundly debunked Evo Psych in various Sexual Healing columns.) We know this guy — he’s just having a midlife crisis and he’s not a danger to anyone but himself (and maybe his mistress). But when women dabble in age-gap dating, they are ferocious animals stalking meat in the dark of night — they’re terrifying.

This is all, of course, just another form of the Madonna/Whore complex, with cougars as a stand-in for the whore. Except this whore is so sexually insatiable that she can’t help but hump everything in sight, and people like laughing at her as much as they feel sorry for her. (Too bad that she’s probably having the last laugh, because she’s having great sex.)

Over the past five or ten years, “cougar” dating sites have proliferated – most likely because of demand. But out there in TV land, the arbiter of our cultural standards, “Sex in the City” character Samantha Jones set up the 21st century cougar trope. Sam wasn’t exactly mocked for her taste in younger men, but she was presented as voracious and relentlessly sexual – something women just aren’t supposed to be in polite company. More recently, a television show called “Cougar Town” was a vehicle for former “Friends” star Courtney Cox.

But has our gut-level response to seeing older women and younger men together in real life shifted? I went straight to the source – women dating younger men, and the men who love (and sleep with) them.

Here are some comments from a few women over forty about sex in midlife generally, with a generous side helping of dating younger men:

“The sex is OFF THE CHAIN.”

“He likes his women like his cars, older, classier, more beautiful and dependable, strong, sturdy, true.” (From a 52-year-old woman dating a 34-year-old man.)

“They like us because we know our sh*t. We’re also probably not (as) desperate to get married as many 25-32 year olds are (as all their friends troop to the altar and start having babies) — we may have already BEEN married.”

“Forget Botox — orgasms are the ultimate youth elixir.”

Women over forty are mostly written out of the sexual narrative, similar to the way that women over forty in Hollywood are written out of every single screenplay. When older women want to have sex — and specifically, when they want to have it with younger men that can keep up with them — they are are compared to wild animals and framed as something less than human.

The fact that these women want to have sex, period, is what brings the judgment. How dare they still have libidos when they may no longer be perfect, perky, 24-year-old specimens of culturally-sanctioned beauty standards? We need to reexamine why the very idea of a woman who expresses her desires is so threatening. A woman over forty who wants sex isn’t a wildlife program on PBS — her dating life is not a reality show.

Television and movies may not have caught up to the actual women, the ones we call “cougars” — who are rediscovering their relationships with their own bodies, figuring out how to feel desirable again after having children, or perhaps finding their way back from divorce. Their lives are not over — in many ways they’re just beginning.

So we’ve established what’s in it for the so-called “cougar women”, but what about the younger men in the equation? More and more young guys are firmly in the “I don’t want kids” camp, and hooking up with an older woman who’s already had kids or who is proudly childfree is one way to sidestep the breeding discussion.

As for why young guys are increasingly attracted to older women, my theory is that confidence is hella sexy, and when you get to be a woman “of a certain age” you have far fewer f*cks to give about what other people think about you. You carry yourself that way, instead of looking around to see who’s checking you out. You’ve worked hard at becoming the subject of your own life, rather than someone else’s object. When you’re in your twenties and thirties you’re ostensibly in your most physically desirable stage of life — but you’re often not feeling what people are seeing.

I also credit decades of feminism for the confidence older women grant themselves — sisterhood isn’t just powerful, it’s damn good for our sex lives. The cougar narrative assumes that women are financially well-off in their forties, and that’s somehow part of their allure — but I don’t buy it. I found few examples of Sugar Mamas, but I can show you a troop of sexy artists, writers, and other not-particularly wealthy, but extremely sexually open freelancers in their forties. The men they’re dating and/or sleeping with certainly aren’t in it for the money.

Women in their late thirties and beyond have (hopefully) had plenty of sex, multiple partners, and know what they want — and often that includes dating younger men. Younger women are often just figuring it out, and sometimes perform in bed rather than truly take pleasure in the experience. (See almost any episode of “Girls” from season one for evidence of the “Sex kinda sucks but I’m going to do it anyway because I really want this guy to like me” theme.)

Another theory that’s bandied about (and I’ve done some of this bandying) is that there is a perfect libido match between women in their late thirties/early forties and men in their mid-to-late twenties. Anecdotally lots of men and women I chatted with seem to agree — the assumption is that our sexual peaks line up perfectly. (Note: there’s no scientific proof of this, and some researchers entirely debunk the very idea of sexual peaks.)

My own experience is that the older I get, the more young men seem to be interested in me. I don’t think I’m giving out “cougar” vibes, whatever those are, but online and in real life, I get hit on more and more by men in their twenties (even as young as TWENTY, which sometimes freaks me out, and I write about sex for a living.) But I must admit — I kind of dig it.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email  stefanie at ecosalon dot com and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

Related on EcoSalon

Women Dating Younger Men: Why It’s Hot

Do You Demand Pleasure Parity? Sexual Healing

The Art of Receiving: Do You Deserve Sexual Pleasure? Sexual Healing

Image: Mark Dumont

The post Redefining Cougar Women: Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnThere is no shame in abortion. ABORTION. Say it with me. You don’t need to speak in hushed tones: your abortion stories, my abortion story – they’re the stories of our lives. And they’re as normal as normal can be.

According to Katha Pollitt, author of the wonderful and important new book, “PRO: Reclaiming Abortion Rights,” abortion is a social good. Pollitt, a longtime contributor to “The Nation” makes an excellent argument about why women need to stand up for reproductive rights not just by fighting in the streets and halls of congress – but in our everyday relationship to the abortions we’ve had or might have. We need to talk about our abortions with ease — and often.

Three in ten women will have had an abortion by the time they’re 45-years-old. That’s a lot of women – that’s you, or your mother, or your sister, or your friends. That’s  most of us.

Since Roe v. Wade was decided in 1973, the zealots of the anti-abortion movement have taken women and their bodies down a rabbit hole-like rightwing agenda built on so-called Christian values. The people leading this movement aren’t simply religious nuts; they’re deeply misogynistic in every possible way. Pollitt’s book shows that states where the status of women is lowest are also the ones where there are the most restrictions on abortion. Bottom line: the assault on abortion is an assault on women – on human rights. Full stop. These are the folks who don’t believe in birth control, that think women should not work, and are bound to perform their “wifely duties.” But we don’t often hear from them unless we attend their sermons or traffic their (truly scary) websites.

What we do hear about, almost every day, is the result of the work they’ve done over the last 40 years of careful public relations planning. They’ve patiently constructed a long-term agenda to chip away at reproductive rights. They employ radical ideas that most Americans disagree with, but they’ve been smart and strategic, and that’s why we should be scared – because right now —  they’re winning.

Here’s what not radical: talking about abortion without shame. But we’ve been worn down by decades of Operation Rescue talking points – and we sometimes end up inadvertently speaking their language. Even those of us who’ve had more than one abortion out of pure necessity – not being ready for a child, not wanting to have a child with a particular father, not wanting to be a single mother – sometimes speak of our abortions in terms of “good” and “bad.” “Good” abortions, in the parlance of those who believe abortion should remain “legal and rare” are those that are of medical necessity, rape or incest. “Bad” abortions are the ones we have because we chose to have sex, got pregnant and then decided that it wasn’t time to have a kid.

There are no good abortions and bad abortions. There are just abortions. Pollitt doesn’t want us to be defensive about our abortions simply because our opponents have managed to own the conversation. She wants us to reconvene the conversation on our own terms, as each of us share our abortion stories.

This isn’t to say that all abortions are free of emotion. Some friends have had abortions, and went on to have several children – and then had another abortion. Some people have one easy abortion, and then another problematic one, perhaps because of a complicated relationship problem. But the rhetoric of the anti-choicers – that all abortions are heavy, dark, difficult regret-laden errors in judgment, is patently false. They say it over and over again and this idea seeps into the culture so deeply that some women believe it to be true, and perhaps feel sadder about their abortions than they would have. If our movies and TV shows and our politicians tell us that abortion is sad, it’s no wonder some of us feel sadness when we have the procedure. That’s part of the strategy, of course.

My own abortions have not been terribly fraught, but that doesn’t mean I was flippant about them. I live in a blue state with a life of relative privilege – I didn’t have to worry about access for a moment, even though I encountered rosary-bead wearing, angry people with signs that said I was going to hell. Good luck with that, I thought — I’m Jewish so you’re really not scaring me. But those signs, and those people — culled from the same herd that don’t think there’s anything wrong with shooting doctors that provide abortions — those people are scary.

I was 20 when I had my first abortion, and even though I had support from my then-boyfriend, from my friends — I was still too ashamed to talk about it in any public way. Even though I wasn’t sad or regretful, because the idea of a baby was remote and abstract, I understood that a nice Jewish girl like me had made a huge mistake. And sure, getting accidentally pregnant is a mistake of sorts — but I’d been drilled with the idea that I should be embarrassed, ashamed. And even though I was defiantly pro-choice — and cut my first political teeth as a teenager on the abortion front — I carried shame. Even though I made signs and marched on Washington for reproductive rights, my own experience was somehow walled off and separate.

This is precisely why Pollitt tells us that we need to unequivocally take back the conversation.

Let’s not confuse the issue by calling abortion anything that it isn’t: it’s a medical procedure to terminate a pregnancy. It’s not something that should cause a shame spiral. I don’t have numbers on this, but I’d argue that the vast majority of women have gone on to think of their abortions like dental procedures – something they’d rather not do, but must, in order to continue to live a healthy life.

Even recent indie films have treated abortion in hushed tones, and lead characters only became heroes by rejecting the option to terminate, or not even thinking about it in the first place. Since the 1990s, movies about pregnancy have been a far cry from the legal, safe abortion depicted in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High.” “Knocked Up” and “Juno” gave us seemingly modern women who basically didn’t even consider the idea of abortion as a possibility. Finally, this year we were delivered the brilliant “Obvious Child,” a film that treats a woman’s abortion story as it should be treated.

Since 2010, 205 anti-abortion laws have been passed across the country. It’s time for those of us who are proudly pro-choice to stop chasing the conversation that the anti-choice zealots are leading. The situation is dire, especially with a brand new crop of anti-choicers in charge of both houses of Congress as of Tuesday.

Sixty-one percent of women that have abortions are already mothers. That’s why I love Pollitt’s “pro-choice, pro-mother ” mantra. Motherhood is fetishized in our culture, but it is not valued, certainly not by the people who would take away our legal right to abortion. Once a fetus is “protected,” they quickly move on to their next clump of cells, calling it a “life”. Helping women to actually raise the children that they’re forced to bear is not on their agenda.

When it comes to access to abortion, all politics is local. This week, in the bloodbath of the midterm elections, choice was protected in some small ways, but it was also dealt serious blows in races all over the country. Wendy Davis lost her race in Texas. A personhood referendum was defeated for the third time in Colorado, yet they elected a pro-personhood senator in the same state. North Dakota also defeated a personhood amendment. Yet in Tennessee, one of the last Southern states to retain some access to abortion, the news is very bad.

Let’s keep abortion safe, legal, and out in the open. I don’t care much about whether it’s rare – that’s not the issue. Tell your abortion stories without shame, and ask your sisters, mothers, cousins, and Facebook friends to tell theirs.

Here are some great organizations working hard to protect your reproductive rights. Send them money and volunteer for them.

The Abortion Care Network

Center for Reproductive Rights

Planned Parenthood

Emily’s List

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie at ecosalon dot com and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

Related on EcoSalon

Extinguish Sexual Shame By Claiming Your Authentic Desire

How To Start Your Own Personal Sexual Revolution

Natural Birth Control Tips, Part I

Image: tipstimes

The post PRO: Your Abortion Stories are Nothing to Be Ashamed Of: Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnSince the #30DayOrgasmChallenge launched in September, one thing has become eminently clear: the benefits of orgasm are impossible to ignore. I’ve been totally floored by the response.

Over the summer, after a lot of research, myriad in-person conversations and Gchats with friends and colleagues, I realized that there is a prevailing dissatisfaction with the state of the orgasm (at least for the mostly cis-gender, heterosexual women I’d been hearing from). So I had an idea: I would ask women to think about their orgasms in an entirely new way — and to follow up it up with action.

The #30DayOrgasmChallenge asked women to re-conceptualize their orgasms as a transformative, health-giving mind/body experience as essential as any other daily practice: like meditation, yoga, juicing… all the stuff that we manage to make time for because we know it’s good for us.

We tend to think of orgasms as a kind of gift — something we sometimes, when we’re lucky, get from an intimate experience. But what if this kind of pleasure were simply a part of your regular routine? Only 25 percent of heterosexual women are likely to have an orgasm from partnered sex, thanks to the orgasm gap. So taking it into our own hands, so to speak — is essential.

This challenge was made for women of all ages – those in their reproductive years and without kids, still reproductive young parents, peri and pre-menopausal – and post-menopause. And all relationship statuses – single, recently divorced, in long-term partnerships, newly dating. The #30DayOrgasmChallenge is a pleasure protocol for every woman.

Our desires fluctuate through the various stages of a relationship — from the “I must jump your bones immediately” phase to the “kinda bored” phase to the “OMG get off of me” phase. Some people call these latter phases “the itch” as in the two-year, five-year, or seven-year-itch. And being in any one of these stages can do a major number on your self-esteem – and with that, kill off what feels like the last of your desire. None of these stages, however, guarantee orgasms for women, which is why we must learn to expect and demand them. It’s essential for women to remember that the waning of your desire for a long-term partner is perfectly normal – and science backs it up. Women tend to get bored even earlier then men, despite the many myths we’ve been fed about our sexuality.

The #30DayOrgasmChallenge was (and still is, because you can start any time) an opportunity to revisit the frontier of your authentic desire nature — to remember who you’ve been and who you might be if you could be anyone you wanted to. Having an orgasm a day for 30 days can show you what your real relationship with pleasure is — exempt from the expectations of your partner, your culture, your body image issues, and other barriers to deeper self-knowledge about what you want and need.

For the initial launch, different women had different goals: some wanted to get to know their own bodies better – solo sex is a really important and necessary tool for teaching your current or future lovers what you want. Some women wanted to experience more intense, longer, and/or deeper orgasms through a daily practice. Some wanted to address diagnosed sexual dysfunction. Some wanted to know if they could achieve vaginal orgasms in addition to clitoral ones. Some wanted to move past shame and guilt. Still others just wanted stress relief, better sleep, and heightened immunity. But all knew that the benefits of orgasm are many and varied, and they simply wanted more of the good stuff.

I’m happy to report that various participants have told me that they’re never going to take the benefits of orgasm for granted again. Many found it to be deeply liberating and consciousness-shifting. I loved the creative directions in which different women took the challenge – a number of people kept a daily journal and wrote about each of their orgasms. Like the famous Morning Pages that many swear by, these “Orgasm Pages” were a place for the women to deposit the images, emotions, and states of awareness they uncovered as they moved through their 30-day journey. A few were even willing to share, like Carolyn Jayne, an artist from Rhode Island. She did more than merely journal – she created visual journals – gorgeous water color paintings for each entry. (Her prints are available for purchase, contact her at cjayneart@yahoo.com). Here’s an excerpt from one — the image is called “Juno’s Pomegranate”.

Day 26 – seems Stefanie’s 30 day challenge has opened new portals of magic and mystery within. As my watercolor art unfolds in perfect timing with my body’s “unfolding”. Or rather that which was previously folded up and put away in a dusty linen closet of yore has been re-opened and rejuvenated.

SG from Seattle had this to say: “The commitment to self-pleasure on an ongoing basis yielded profound shifts within me. Not only did I feel an enriched reconnection with my body and heart, but I felt a more dynamic sense of power and liberation, jewels that came from more deeply rooting the knowledge of my ability to rely upon and treasure myself.” 

Did you take on the #30DayOrgasmChallenge? Will you take the benefits of orgasm to the next level? If so, please share your reactions with me. Let’s change the world for women — one orgasm at a time.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email  stefanie at ecosalon dot com and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

Related on EcoSalon

Do You Demand Pleasure Parity? Sexual Healing

The Art of Receiving: Do You Deserve Sexual Pleasure? Sexual Healing

9 Natural Ways To Spice Up Your Sex Life

Image: FrTclairage

The post The Undeniable Benefits of Orgasm — Revisiting the #30DayOrgasmChallenge: Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnWe tend to ignore relationship dealbreakers even when the red lights are flashing and the warning sirens are screaming DON’T GO THERE! Why do we do this to ourselves?

My own list of relationship dealbreakers is long and complex. Have I ignored my top five no-no’s? Oh yes. We tend to rejigger our dealbreaker lists as we refine our “most wanted” lists – generally after breakups, when we’ve been burned yet again. It’s easy to get idealistic when you’re a single person creating a dream man (or woman) out of thin air, like a tall, dark and handsome golem for whom cuddling is a second job. (But those ideals tend to fall away in the harsh light of reality – or the alcohol-infused dark of the bar where you just met someone that seems worth taking home.)

Sexual attraction is one of the obvious reasons we ignore our relationship dealbreakers – and sure, it plays a role. But a recent study suggests that we sometimes end up dating people because we don’t want to hurt their feelings by rejecting them. This study doesn’t seem to be obviously broken down by gender, but I am guessing that more women than men have this tendency, given our “nice girl” socialization. I’m not quite sure that we can even replicate real-life scenarios in a lab, but the findings are interesting.

Our relationship dealbreakers are built, in part, on our parental complexes. We’re often attracted to both the best and worst qualities that our potential partners embody – because they remind us of our parents. This is how we first learned to love, after all – it makes sense that these markers would magnetize us to objects of desire. Doing conscious work on your parental complexes from a relatively young age is an integral part of getting what you want out of your relationships. More importantly, it may help you to avoid throwing your self-identified relationship dealbreakers out the window for the sake of companionship.

My number one relationship dealbreaker is smoking; this one applies not just to committed relationships, but to casual dating. I have an official “smokers need not apply” policy that I fiercely and protectively wield. I’ve accidentally broken it for one date, on occasion, but never more than that. Smokers are instantly kicked to the curb.

But that’s easy – smoking is just a habit, one that cannot easily be hidden from view (I have a strong sense of smell). What about when it comes to more subtle relationship dealbreakers, ones that are no less dangerous than secondhand smoke?

There was that time that I ignored the sirens going off in my head and let an ex move in with me – one who clearly had narcissistic personality disorder. This was one of those scenarios where I just knew in my heart that I could save him from himself. (Also, the sex was great.) But the joke was on me, and I lost a few years of my life to that massive mistake.

Let’s get really brave and honest about why we do this to ourselves. Are these some possible reasons you’ve made exceptions in your relationships?

1)   Loneliness

2)   Low self-esteem

3)   Muted self-awareness

4)   Peer pressure

5)   Desire to “settle”

Lists are great – I believe list-making can help you clarify your desires. But lists are not everything – you must also hone (and listen to) your intuition, if you’re truly going to avoid that next relationship that never should have been. You must move toward consciousness about what you really want and need. And there is never, ever any reason to settle. Please do exactly the opposite of what this woman says, all the time, if you want to be happy. And while you’re at it, ignore every trope from every rom-com you’ve ever seen.

We naturally crave intimacy, but we often confuse our desire to be close to someone with cultural expectations about the roles we’re supposed to play.

In a culture where motherhood is valued above all other contributions to society, it’s easy to get caught up in the idea that Mr. Right is whomever you hook up with at just around the time you begin to notice your eggs dwindling. The early and mid-thirties are prime time for women to settle – breaking all their previously agreed-to relationship dealbreakers. This is not to say that if you really want to have babies, you should ignore those urges. There are other ways to go about it — you don’t have to settle for Mr. Kinda Okay just because you’re ready for the next stage of your life.

Life is short – we don’t want to waste it on people that we don’t belong with. A fifty-percent divorce rate is a fairly good indication that people are consistently ignoring what’s most important to them.

This is not to say that mistakes aren’t necessary – it’s the only way you learn. Through your twenties and early thirties, why not date terribly, terribly wrong? That’s how you figure out what you really want. You wade your way through the dating pool, take home lots of people, have some great (and probably awful) sex, and assess the landscape of your own desires. But when (and if) you want a life partner, you have to get down to the brass tacks.

I’m a major advocate for women to put sex before love, at least for a certain period of their life. I believe that all too often, we prioritize relationships and companionship and ignore our primal desires, because we’re taught that they’re not a primary for us. Dudes get the opposite message – they are taught that they have two brains, and that their genital brain can and should lead their way through life. That’s why women so often end up with long-term partners that they’re not attracted to — and suffer years (or a whole lifetime) of crappy or non-existent sex.

So come to your next relationship with your list at the ready. Know that you can and will continue to refine that list as you experience new people. Go into therapy to identify your parental complexes. And never, ever settle — because even though there’s no such thing as a perfect partner — you first objective is to be the ideal partner for yourself.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie at ecosalon dot com, and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

Related on EcoSalon

What Women Want in Penis Size is (Just the Tip) of the Iceberg

Being Good in Bed and the Ins and Outs of Sexual Technique

Why Do Women Cheat? It’s Obvious, Says Science

Image: M@rg

The post Why We Ignore Relationship Dealbreakers (Even When We Know Better): Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.

We all know by now that Brooklyn is the center of the universe, and this past weekend, it was the headquarters for ethical fashion.

I arrived at Industry City, a massive warehouse in Sunset Park, Brooklyn, not knowing quite what to expect. I hadn’t heard of any of the designers on the roster, and I was eager to see their offerings.

The first thing I noticed was that this wasn’t like any fashion show I’d attended before – it was the most beautifully diverse scene I’ve ever encountered in the fashion world. Instead of a sea of white people and Anna Wintour clones, multiple races and ethnicities were on the scene and running the show. I liked the vibe immediately. There was a rawness and authenticity you rarely see, even though the event was well-produced and sponsored by the likes of Uber.

After a few cute, quick runway offerings from a dog(!) designer and a children’s clothing line, wearable, sustainable, ethical fashion began to float down the runway. I noted and approved of the fact that it wasn’t just the crowd that was amazingly diverse – the runway was too. The best known designers still can’t get it together around the issue of race – every year they have their token black, brown or Asian face, so they can say they did that. Not here, at Fashion Week Brooklyn – the gorgeous models streaming down the runway came in every possible beautiful hue as they showed us the spring and summer 2015 lines. (Hello, Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week – are you paying attention?)

I am not going to lie to you and pretend I have any journalistic integrity when it comes to fashion – I write about the looks that I feel like I’d want to wear, full stop. The first designer I fell for was Born Again Fashion by Bridgett Artise. She offered gorgeous sustainable looks with a Caribbean flair – all using upcycled vintage materials. My fave was a brightly colored afghan blanket turned into a set of fringed short shorts and a sexy crop top. Taking the best of vintage and turning it into wearable, ethical fashion isn’t a simple task, but Bridgett makes it look easy.

Designer – Born Again Fashion by Bridgett Artise

Next on my most adored list was L-L-B by Lisbeth Lovbak from Norway, offering more upcycled designs with a twist — most of these looks can be worn in multiple ways — like a wearable version of a Swedish Army Knife. This summer collection played on the idea construction/deconstruction, offering a lot of pretty denim vests in different configurations. This was ethical fashion at its cutest.

Finally, I loved the quirky, zero-waste designs from Iliana Quander from her Amparo 3 collection. The Bob Marley dress (top) looked light, airy, whimsical and delicious.

Designer- High School of Fashion Industries

Stefanie Iris Weiss is the author of “Eco-Sex: Go Green Between the Sheets and Make Your Love Life Sustainable”  (Ten Speed Press/Crown Publishing, 2010) and eight other books. Stefanie keeps her carbon footprint small in New York City, where she writes about sustainability, sexuality, reproductive rights, dating and relationships, politics, fashion, beauty, and more for many publications. Follow Stefanie @ecosexuality.

Related on EcoSalon

Where is Sustainable Fashion Headed in 2014?

Feminist Art In Brooklyn

Fashion Stylist to the Rescue: Break Your Fast Fashion Addiction With A Well-Coiffed Closet

All Images via (c) Shawn Punch 2014.

Top image:  Designer – Iliana Quander from her Amparo 3 collection

The post Sweet, Sustainable Looks From an Ethical Fashion Week in Brooklyn appeared first on EcoSalon.

Notable art openings are a wonderfully inevitable part of New York City in the fall, just like pumpkin spice lattes and orange leaves falling in Central Park. This year, the locus of fantastic feminist art is in Brooklyn – where I had the pleasure to explore new and permanent exhibits this past weekend.

Judy Chicago was the first artist to coin the term “feminist art” — her masterpiece is “The Dinner Party,” in the permanent collection at the Brooklyn Museum. A retrospective of her early career just closed on Sunday, so I was able to see this seminal piece in the context of her other work – clearly illustrating her trajectory from woman artist to creator of iconic feminist art.

“The Dinner Party” depicts place settings for 39 famous historical and mythical women, starting with goddesses of prehistory and ending with painter Georgia O’Keefe. The long table is triangular, evoking the shape of a vulva, and each plate plays on Chicago’s butterfly vagina concept. The project took 6 years, cost $250,000, and required the help of more than 400 people – when you see it in person you can understand why. It’s spectacularly huge and immaculately detailed, from the names and designs embroidered onto each table runner, to the white “heritage floor” with the names of hundreds of other historical women engraved. Each woman’s place setting tells the stories of many others that couldn’t fit at the table, and they are all honored in a separate room displaying a series of wall panels with details about every woman’s life and contribution to history.

Since Judy Chicago invented feminist art in the 1970s, it’s grown and exploded into every possible medium, and it takes a very interesting turn in “Killer Heels: The Art of the High-Heeled Shoe,” running  through February 15th at the Brooklyn Museum, after which the show will tour nationally. As sexy and dangerous as the title suggests, this was unlike any exhibit I’ve seen. Two-hundred eighteen shoes are on display in glass cases, dating back to 1550. From shoes worn by Geishas and courtesans to 3-D printed shoes, the show explores the ancient past and near future of footwear.

Walking through the exhibit it’s hard not to feel like you’re going to topple over yourself, as most of these shoes are not meant for walking – they’re meant for eroticizing. And perhaps that’s part of the allure of ridiculously high heels – mastering the art of the strut in such unwieldy footwear can give confidence to the clumsiest of souls.

There’s no shortage of contemporary fashion here –Louboutin, Balenciaga, Ferragamo and Christian Dior are all part of the spectacle.

My favorite part was the six videos playing on a loop in semi-private rooms throughout the exhibit. This is where the feminist in feminist art really came through for me. Videos by Nick Knight, Steven Klein, Marilyn Minter, and Rashaad Newsome were surreal, political and provocative. Glamor and fetish are un-apologetically explored here.

As tall, sultry and powerful as a high heel can make us feel, it’s hard to overlook the absurdist objectification we play into when we shop for and wear them. By no means am I immune to a killer heel; I practically swooned when I spied the stunning Damien Hirst boot pictured here.

After touring this exhibit, I won’t give up my shoe-addiction, but I’ll never look at a stiletto the same way again.

Stefanie Iris Weiss is the author of “Eco-Sex: Go Green Between the Sheets and Make Your Love Life Sustainable”  (Ten Speed Press/Crown Publishing, 2010) and eight other books. Stefanie keeps her carbon footprint small in New York City, where she writes about sustainability, sexuality, reproductive rights, dating and relationships, politics, fashion, beauty, and more for many publications. Follow Stefanie @ecosexuality.

Related on EcoSalon

Marina Abramovic: The Artist Is Present

40 Quotes About Feminism

Sexual Assault Survivors Use Art For Justice

Images via Stefanie Iris Weiss

The post Feminist Art in Brooklyn: From The Dinner Party To Killer Heels appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnLately, it seems like there are too many stories of women being battered, harassed, trolled, stalked and threatened, both online and off. It’s enough to make us feel like there is no such thing as safe space, especially when it comes to expressing and enjoying healthy sexuality.

No matter what your actual exposure to such threats are, these stories have a way of invading our psychic space and making us all feel vulnerable (even as they may make us also feel angry). This can happen even if your life is a veritable advertisement for the idea of “safe space” – maybe you have a great relationship, plenty of stability, and a well-lighted entrance to your front door.

For the purposes of this column, I’m assuming that you’re not currently involved in a domestic violence situation, being stalked, or otherwise facing any of the traumatic situations outlined here.

From Ray Rice beating his fiancee in an elevator and avoiding consequences for months, to the hoax in response to Emma Watson’s speech at the UN, to feminists harassed and stalked by aggressive trolls online, to the Columbia student who is carrying a mattress around campus as a symbol of her sexual assault, to a teen girl’s brutal rape shared on Snapchat, to nude celebrity photo leaks — there is a long and growing list of awful threats to women’s bodies. In the same way that the media’s relentless focus on terrorism can make your heart rate go up when you descend into the subway, awareness of the dangers women face can subtly affect your otherwise healthy sexuality.

The lesson many have absorbed from the recent celebrity photo scandal is that women shouldn’t share naked photos even with their intimate partners — it’s straight-up slut-shaming. Of course, anyone with a brain knows that no woman is responsible for the hacker that stole her photos from the cloud, nor is she responsible for the ex who sold her photos to a magazine. This is the equivalent of telling women not to drink at frat parties, or not to wear tight clothes lest they invite unwanted attention. Rape culture insists that women are responsible for avoiding lecherous glances — not that men are responsible for their actions. This is the “boys will be boys” approach to creating safe space, and it’s utter BS.

Is there any part of you that buys into that? If yes, don’t be ashamed — it’s the basic narrative of Western culture, part and parcel of patriarchy — if you’ve never thought it to be true you’re a rare out-of-the-box radical. I didn’t get it until my twenties, when a few awesome women’s studies classes helped me begin to peel the Madonna-Whore complex off my skin, and kick it out of my bedroom.

Creating a collective safe space for women to embrace healthy sexuality is a work in progress, and there’s much to do before we can rest. But you can take control of the project of creating safe space in your own bedroom right now. I can’t promise to make you feel safe if you have to walk down a darkened street late at night, but I can suggest ways to feel safe and empowered in your body and in relationship to your sexuality. The reason the collective project is so complicated and long in coming is that male gaze is embedded into almost everything we are and everything we do. We’ve got to tease it apart, separate from it, and figure out who we are and what we want – not just that we want to be wanted.

So take a few moments to think about how much you’re affected by the pervasiveness of rape culture and toxic masculinity. Say you have a male partner who is a feminist and great in bed to boot — let’s just assume you’re that lucky. Despite his all around awesomeness, you’re partly reacting to his touch based on what you’ve learned about what it means to be a woman in this world.

Work on claiming your authentic desire by stripping away the layers of cultural dross about what you’re supposed to look and feel like. Of course, all sexuality is a dance between nature and nurture, and our early sexual experiences are imprinted on our brains, entwined with our hormones and sexual response cycle. But it doesn’t have to be rote — you can own the process whenever you’re ready to. It can be better,  safer, healthier and hotter — all at the same time.

This is all very subtle and not necessarily easy to wrap your brain around. Some readers are doing the #30DayOrgasmChallenge to better understand their sexuality and connect to their intimate partners at an ever deeper level. They’re challenging their ability to access ever deeper wells of pleasure. I believe that getting down to the brass tacks of your barest, deepest longings must first be done solo. This is perhaps the safest space of all.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie at ecosalon dot com, and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

Related on EcoSalon

How To Start Your Own Personal Sexual Revolution

Sex and Intimacy: What’s Love Got To Do With it?

Get Your Renewal On And Have Better Sex This Spring

Image: Ariadna Bruna

The post Healthy Sexuality in a Dangerous World: Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.

On Sunday September 21st, more than 310,000 people came together for the People’s Climate March, a family-friendly, celebrity-flecked affair meant to “change everything” in the parlance of its organizers. But the real sensation took place the next day, when #FloodWallStreet closed down the biggest financial district on the planet – instantly transforming our collective conversation about Climate Change.

Organized by members of the Occupy movement, #FloodWallStreet was part spectacle, part survival strategy. For all the good that the People’s Climate March did (much of which won’t be clear for some time) its organizers refused to challenge corporate dominance of our culture in a direct way.

Although beautiful and powerful, it was mostly symbolic, a lovely way for people of all backgrounds, ages, nationalities, and causes to gather and express their grave concern about Climate Change. But there were no specific demands except for a general call to world leaders to take action on the eve of the United Nations Climate Summit.

#FloodWallStreet makes no bones about its one demand: the market must pay for what its done to our planet. Its message was clear – capitalism caused our spiral into Climate Change. There is some disagreement within the ranks – do we aim to regulate capitalism, or do we aim to overthrow it all together?

The day began by the water at Battery Park, water that came up over the railings during Superstorm Sandy, flooding the blacked-out financial district. #FloodWallStreet aimed to show that if we do not take immediate action to curb carbon, Sandy will merely be the first of many floods. The short-term profits made by the men and women in suits in the buildings that rise above the river will result in its demise in a few short years. Capitalism = Climate Chaos, read the signs. We wore blue to symbolize the water that will drown us as sea level rises.

Chris Hedges and Naomi Klein, author of the new and brilliant “This Changes Everything,” gave speeches as organizers blew up huge “Carbon Bubbles” meant to symbolize the carbon market’s dangerous bubble, the ways in which Wall Street trades and plays with the planet’s resources.

The original call was for us to march to the steps of the stock exchange and stage a sit-in, risking arrest. Not just risking arrest, but inviting it, in the way that Rosa Parks took the burgeoning Civil Rights movement to the next level when she sat at the front of the bus. We need next-level consciousness — and major disruption — if we’re going to move the dial on Climate Change.

As we marched toward Broadway, singing “Wade in the Water” and chanting my favorite chant: “We Are Unstoppable: Another World is Possible!” tourists on double-decker buses got more than they bargained for. As we filled the streets near the iconic Wall Street Bull, the call was made to occupy the block. We sat down on the street, exhilarated, in the midst of the traffic. Eventually the buses were waved by, and soon we found ourselves in charge of Lower Broadway — thousands of us throwing a party in the middle of one of the busiest thoroughfares in the world.

The famous “People’s Mic” born during Occupy Wall Street required four waves of repetition — that’s how big the crowd was. As we sat, serenaded by the dulcet tones of the Rude Mechanical Orchestra, we danced, chanted, sang, and listened to our hearts beat in unison. One of my favorite moments was when a man began singing “We’re Not Gonna Take It” by Twister Sister and the band jammed as we all erupted into a fiery thousands-strong rendition of the song. There was a woman on stilts, two women dressed as “Captains Planet” and a polar bear who is now famous on the Internet and beyond (he was on Chris Hayes’ show on Monday night). Here is a short video of the street party.

Organizers expected arrests early in the day, but the police in Bill De Blasio’s New York behaved quite differently than they did under Bloomberg. By mid-afternoon there were only two arrests — the police allowed us to express ourselves, honoring the first amendment. Later, as protesters tried to rush the barricades to get to the stock exchange, the pepper spray came out and fellow protesters poured Maalox into the eyes of their comrades. But then the carnival atmosphere quickly returned — 400 pizzas were ordered for the crowds, there were spontaneous soccer games, and a hardy few hundred people stood their ground, refusing to leave until the police arrested them. (The polar bear was one of the 102 people arrested, his paws cuffed.)

I don’t yet know what the next steps will be for #FloodWallStreet, but I suspect it will be equally as provocative. Revolution doesn’t happen in one day, and these amazing people are in it for the long haul. When I got home on Monday afternoon to charge my phone, a bit disappointed that I hadn’t been arrested, I learned that the Rockerfeller’s were divesting from fossil fuels — a small win for the climate movement. Yet later than night, more alarming news came over the wire — the war on Syria had begun in earnest. No conspiracy theory here, but wow, that’s a way to get the climate crisis out of the headlines in an instant. The news cycle was instantly hijacked.

It’s a stark reminder that we’re being told to be afraid, very afraid — of something that is statistically unlikely to ever harm us. Terrorism is a bogeyman, but Climate Change is very, very real. And if we don’t take to our streets, they will most certainly flood. Not merely with activists dressed in blue, but with the rivers and oceans planet-wide. This is not a drill — Climate Change is here. If you have children or plan to, this is your fight too.

Follow Stefanie for updates on #FloodWallStreet & her weekly Sexual Healing column: @ecosexuality

Related on EcoSalon

Dispatch From the People’s Climate March: To Change Everything, It Takes Everyone

Obama Pursues “Politically-Binding” International Global Climate Climate Change Agreement

An Aerial view of Hydraulic Fracturing

 Images via Stefanie Iris Weiss

The post #FloodWallStreet: Marching Is Not Enough to Thwart Climate Change appeared first on EcoSalon.

More than 310,000 people flooded the streets of New York City at the People’s Climate March on Sunday, September 21st, 2014. Organizers had only predicted 100k, wildly underestimating the passion and wherewithal of hundreds of thousands of people from all over the planet. 

We marched. We chanted. We danced. We sang. And we demanded that world leaders take action on climate change as the United Nations Summit convenes this coming week. Ban-Ki Moon, the Secretary-General of the UN, marched in the People’s Climate March in a rare display of solidarity. Many other celebrities and leaders were there — but that’s not what matters most. What matters is what we do next.

The phrase I heard most often when I asked why people were marching was, “I’m marching for my children.” The science is settled, and the consensus among Americans is that change must happen now — or else the next generations will be forced to move away from the coasts, doomed to constant resource wars, droughts, ever worsening wildfires, superstorms, food shortages, and much worse. Yet our media continues to report on ISIS as if it’s the only existential threat we face — as if climate isn’t in acute crisis. My favorite sign today read: “Your grandchildren are more likely to die from climate change than terrorism.”

Before the march, there was talk that the most influential environmental organizations, some aligned with corporate agendas, had usurped the mission of the People’s Climate March — making it less about people power and more about political and corporate power. Yes, these organizations were there, but they didn’t take up all the air in the proverbial room. The people spoke, the people connected with one another — and if our leaders do not listen to us — the people will build change from the grassroots. Big Oil knows how to manipulate our leaders with lobbying money, but we can outsmart them.

I marched with the fracktivist contingent — we sprawled for blocks. Frackstivists hail from all over the country — fighting poisoned, flammable water and a host of other illnesses that have been unleashed into their communities thanks to the natural gas industry. Fracktivists are now fighting to stop Liberty National Gas from building deepwater terminals off our coasts. One of these export facilities is proposed right off the coast of Long Island, threatening the lives of people in communities already ravaged by Hurricane Sandy. The brilliant activists behind Sane Energy Project just launched a groundbreaking interactive map linking all the areas that the natural gas industry has ravaged in New York (or will ravage if they get their way).

The People’s Climate March was massive — and massively inspirational. Yet there is much more work to be done. On Monday, September 22nd activists will convene to #FloodWallStreet in a direct action that addresses the raw truth of climate change — that Wall Street bankers and corporations are the real reason our seas are rising.

No matter how perfectly we live our lives — recycling, using the right light bulbs, wearing eco-friendly makeup and eating organic food — we cannot save the planet for our children unless we halt carbon consumption. Capitalism runs on unchecked carbon consumption, and unless we stop feeding that monster, there will be no real change. The People’s Climate March started the conversation — and we don’t have much time left to spread this particular truth.

I’ll be at the action on Wall Street — follow my updates @ecosexuality.

Stefanie Iris Weiss is the author of “Eco-Sex: Go Green Between the Sheets” and “Make Your Love Life Sustainable”  (Ten Speed Press/Crown Publishing, 2010) and eight other books. Stefanie keeps her carbon footprint small in New York City, where she writes about sustainability, sexuality, reproductive rights, dating and relationships, politics, fashion, beauty, and more for many publications.

 Related on EcoSalon

On the Front Lines of Global Climate Change and Women’s Rights

Obama Pursues ‘Politically Binding’ International Global Climate Change Agreement

Is it ‘Global Warming’ or is it ‘Climate Change’?

images via Stefanie Iris Weiss

The post Dispatch From The People’s Climate March: To Change Everything, It Takes Everyone appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnHere are 9 sex tips for giving you and your partner an organic sex-lift.

Sex is natural, sex is good, but not everybody is doing nearly enough of what they should. We’re busy, we’re stressed out, and we’re tired, but that’s precisely why we should be having more sex. Being intimate cuts heart attack risk, burns calories, increases endorphins and boosts immunity. But in a technology-addled world where we’re often more intimate with our iPhones than our active or would-be lovers, sometimes you need a few tips. It’s time to slow down and put some eco into your sex. Here’s a guide to getting it on au naturel.

1. Fall in Love With Your Own Body

Eco-Sex starts with your own body. Practice being Cleopatra from the moment you wake in the morning until your lover arrives to pick you up (or just comes home from work). If you haven’t already begun excising toxic chemicals from your beauty routine, let better sex be your clarion call. Cleansing and moisturizing with EWG-approved products or DIY organic essential oil blends will make you look and feel beautiful. Falling in love with your own body is step number one for a healthy sex life: give your temple the respect it deserves.

2. Entertain Aphrodisiacs

Nibble on vegan and organic aphrodisiacs. Skip the heavy, artery-clogging, erection-killing steak and champagne dinner. Try a vegan and/or raw meal laced with aphrodisiacs like asparagus, ginger, avocado, and artichoke (to turn on women) and cinnamon, mango, squash, pumpkin and cayenne (to turn on the guys). Ginger and basil do double-duty, seducing both sexes.

3. Light it Up

Let there be candlelight. Particularly if you’re in a long-term relationship where it seems as if you and your partner are having a threesome with the television. It’s nice to ditch the grid, at least for an evening. Turn off all the electric lights and create a sensual, subtle, skin-flattering glow. Conventional candles are often made from toxic paraffin, so go for ethically sourced, eco-friendly, fair-trade varieties when possible. Cheekily-named (“Morning Wood” and “One Night Stand”) candles from A Scent of Scandal are vegan with cotton wicks. Essoya Candles use non-GMO soy and stimulating essential oil blends. Or try doing a craft night with your lover: make candles together before you make love.

4. Slip Into Something Natural

Wear sustainable skivvies. When sex gets too routine, the old cliché about lingerie really does work – especially when your panties are made from the good stuff. Forget the mass-produced Victoria’s Secret or even the Agent Provocateur – slip on underwear made from natural textiles like organic cotton and bamboo, and let the fireworks begin. Enamore, Araks, and Urban Fox make gorgeous, simple and sexy bras, panties, and teddies that both you and your lover will fancy.

5. Stay Ethical Right Down to…

Make your safe sex sustainable sex. The amazing folks behind Sir Richard’s Condom Company have created the first ethical condom. Vegan (certified by PETA), and sourced from sustainable latex, Sir Richard’s donates a condom to a developing country for every one you buy. Consider them the Tom’s Shoes of the sex industry. Luckily your pleasure is just as important to them as ethics are: the ultra-thin variety are seriously thin condoms that feel barely there. They’re also stylishly packaged and available at Whole Foods.

6. Oil Up Your Libido

Rub on some DIY massage oil. Coconut oil, the magical elixir that can be used in your hair, as a makeup remover, as a vegetable sauté, or in your smoothie is also a wonderful massage oil. Include a few drops of lavender and ylang-ylang essential oil (for stress-reduction) or neroli oil to stimulate libido.

7. Make Things Slippery

Make your lube organic. The conventional lube you find in the corner drugstore likely includes endocrine-disrupting parabens. Even some of the “natural” brands still have glycerin, which isn’t necessarily a toxic ingredient in other products, but not something you want near your nether regions. Glycerin strips the vagina of moisture, making it raw and more susceptible to yeast infections and even STI’s. Experiment with organic brands like Sliquid Organics or the UK-based Yes. Note: only use water-based lube with latex condoms – oil will degrade latex, rendering it useless. Keep your coconut oil away from your condoms.

8. Create An Adult Toy Box

Try sustainable sex toys. Yes, they require power. But that doesn’t mean they’re less than natural. The pleasure-pioneers at JimmyJane have created a line of sustainable, medical-grade, rechargeable silicone sex toys that last practically forever, unlike the throwaway, pthlalate-laced, plastic dildos of yore. These toys are gorgeous pieces of high-end design that belong on top of your night table instead of hidden in the drawer.

9. Take It Out of the Bedroom

Do it in the woods. You can, and you should change sexual venues. Find a safe, secluded spot in the wilderness and surrender to the wind and the leaves and the trees.

Stefanie Iris Weiss is the author of Eco-Sex: Go Green Between the Sheets and Make Your Love Life Sustainable (Ten Speed Press/Crown Publishing, 2010) and eight other books. Stefanie keeps her carbon footprint small in New York City, where she writes about sustainability, sexuality, reproductive rights, dating and relationships, politics, fashion, beauty, and more for many publications. Learn more about her at ecosex.net, follow her eco-sex exploits on Twitter or join her on Facebook.

Related on EcoSalon

Boinking to Boost Your Immune System the Pleasurable Way: Sexual Healing

Better Orgasms For A Better Life – the #30DayOrgasmChallenge: Sexual Healing

Why Do Women Cheat? It’s Obvious, Says Science: Sexual Healing

Image: kayla kandzora

The post 9 Natural Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life: Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.