Separate your real friends from your frenemies.

Your friends are your support system, your partners-in-crime. They’ll laugh over stupid reality shows with you, protect you from creepsters at the bar, bring you soup when you’re sick and tell you the truth when you need to hear it. They’re like family, except you can control who they are. So exercise that right. If your friends don’t give you that warm and fuzzy feeling, maybe you aren’t surrounding yourself with the right people.

Everything is a competition.  No matter what you say, your friend feels the need to one-up you. Mention that you had a bad day, and she’ll say, “Mine was even worse!” Tell a funny story and her response is, “Oh, but wait until you hear this!” She always has to have the more expensive shoes, the bigger diamond ring and the cuter boyfriend, but if you mention that you don’t care about those things, she’ll have an anecdote about how she cares even less. Some people are innately competitive, and that can be a positive thing, but there’s a big difference between showing off Scrabble skills and constantly belittling your accomplishments.

You’re only friends out of nostalgia. You lead totally different lives, you find very little to talk about when you’re together and you disagree on most of the big issues. But, you think, we’ve known each other forever! If you met today, you probably wouldn’t be friends at all, but you like being able to say that you’ve been BFFs for decades. On its own, this may not be a good reason to dump a friend, but it’s definitely a reason to downgrade her status in your life. You might want to focus your attention on friends that you can really click with instead.

They talk, but don’t listen. Everyone has experienced this at least once: sitting silent for thirty minutes or more while a clueless friend yaps on and on, never letting you get a word in edgewise. We all have our chatty moods, and sometimes, your friends really do just need you to sit there and listen while they vent. That’s cool, but when it happens on a daily basis, it can start to wear on your patience. If your friend asks how you’ve been doing and then immediately cuts you off with a story of her own, she’s probably got chronic self-absorption syndrome.

They ask for lots of favors, but never give back. Just like the friend who can’t shut up about herself, the flaky favor-asker seems to think her time is worth a lot more than yours. You’re the one who has to pick up the pizza, act as designated driver, help her move across town and pick her up from the airport. She calls you when her washing machine breaks or she needs to bake a cake for an office party, “because you’re better at this stuff than I am.” But when the tables are turned, your friend is AWOL. Don’t be a doormat.

They can’t keep secrets. You confided to a friend about something very personal, with the understanding that she wouldn’t tell anyone else. But she just can’t seem to keep things to herself, no matter how touchy the subject may be, and soon you’ve got mutual friends expressing their condolences, offering advice or just giving you knowing looks. Whatever her reason for gossiping, betraying your trust isn’t cool. You should be able to count on your friends not to broadcast your business.

In your time of need, they’re nowhere to be found. It happened – that big emergency that you hoped would never come up. This moment, whether it’s an accident, your house burning down, a death in the family or the breakdown of your relationship, is when you need the support of your friends the most. Instead of being there to help you get back on your feet, she’s giving you excuses about how busy she is. This might just be the ultimate friendship test.

When you talk to them about it, they’re not contrite. Okay, so you’ve decided you’re going to confront your friend directly about the issues that have been bothering you. You think, maybe she just doesn’t realize how she’s been acting, and she’ll stop. But instead of apologizing or saying she’ll try to do better, she offers up denials or rationalizes her behavior. She’s not willing to work on the friendship, so it must not mean much to her.

You have to psyche yourself up to see them. Maybe you avoid answering her calls because you have to be in a particular kind of mood to deal with her. Maybe you put off hanging out because you realize that every time you see her, you come home feeling like shit. Listen to yourself. These are not-so-subtle clues that this relationship isn’t doing anything for you.

You can’t just be yourself. When you’re around this particular person or group of friends, you feel like you have to do certain things or act a certain way to fit in. You might find yourself wearing clothes that you wouldn’t wear otherwise. You might even feel a need to self-censor, because you know they look down on some of your views or interests.  Maybe they even bully you a little bit. You shouldn’t have to try this hard.

You don’t like who you are around them. If you’re trying so hard to make your friendships work that you’re changing who you are to please them, and finding yourself more than a little disgusted with your own behavior, stop it right now. You should never compromise who you are to please other people, especially if those people actually kind of suck. There are plenty of potential friends out there who will love you for exactly who you are.

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Photos:  dovima_is_devine_II, ohai_spackwood, whatmegsaid

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Sometimes, you’re better off moving on.

You’re feeling ill-at-ease, and you just can’t quite put your finger on the cause. You’re uninspired. Stifled. Frustrated. It’s time to examine your life, starting with the town you live in. Is the home you’ve chosen holding you back? If any of these 10 signs apply to you, from lack of enthusiasm for eco-friendly programs to intolerance of the differences of others, a fresh start in a new place might just do wonders for your well-being. Or, if you’ve got the stomach for it, maybe you should stay and fight for the things you believe in. Either way, it’s time for a change, baby.

There’s no recycling program

When private recycling companies won’t operate in your moderately-sized town because there aren’t enough residents willing to pay for the service, you know you’ve got a problem. Even when city-run programs are free, many people choose not to go through the “hassle” of recycling, but paid programs often fail spectacularly in areas where such practices are seen as “hippie stuff.” Sure, you could haul 50 pounds of recycling to the nearest big city once a month if you really care about recycling, but you shouldn’t have to.

The people just say no to solar panels

Some say renewable energy projects are ugly. Others are devoted to fossil fuels unto death. And even in towns where there’s some measure of support for them, solar power farms and wind turbines are all too often stifled by the NIMBYs (Not In My Back Yard). Nearly half of all renewable energy proposals are stifled because of local opposition, and while not all of the protests lack validity, it can be incredibly frustrating to see a promising project killed because your neighbors don’t want a turbine poking into “their” skyline. When they stop you from putting solar panels on your own roof, you’ve definitely got a legitimate reason to get the hell out.

There’s no public transportation

America’s sprawl is legendary, and for many parts of the country, personal automobiles seem like the only way to go. Nobody’s going to build a commuter railroad 100 miles out into the country to ferry a few dozen rural residents to the nearest city five days a week. However, cities and suburbs have no excuse for a lack of decent public transportation. With few routes and infrequent stops, poor public transit systems make this greener way to get around virtually impossible to rely upon. And if your town’s not bike-friendly, your options are even more limited. It’s no fun to be forced to drive to work and fight for a parking space when a bus would be so much more efficient.

Health care is conventional or bust

Got allergies? Go take some Sudafed. Ear infection? We’d better give you some super-strong antibiotics, just in case. Oh, you want to find the root cause of your health problems instead of just treating the symptoms? [Blank stare.] Yes, in many towns, you’re hard-pressed to find a health care practitioner that will even consider alternative treatments, even if they’re as benign as vitamin therapy. These attitudes often stem from the patriarchal directive to bow to a doctor’s authority, even if said doctor’s education is four decades out of date. If you can’t find a doc that will delay your child’s vaccination schedule, consider natural childbirth plans or condone the use of herbal supplements, you should look elsewhere.

Pharmacists refuse to carry Plan B

In many states, it’s perfectly legal for pharmacists to flat-out refuse to carry or sell birth control methods like Plan B due to moral or religious objections. Such practices more than likely lead to an increase in unwanted pregnancies, and when these women subsequently seek abortions, they’re not likely to find local services for that either. State laws are shutting down Planned Parenthood branches and other women’s health centers left and right, so many women find it difficult to even get physical contraceptives, low-cost health exams or counseling that isn’t pro-life pressure in disguise. One could argue that such conditions are anti-woman, but there’s no question that they’re anti-choice.

Racial segregation is still the status quo

There are still towns in America – and not just in the South – where a local resident’s tour of the countryside will introduce you to “the white swimming pool” and “the black basketball courts.” Unofficial racial segregation is common even in the most liberal of cities, including the outer boroughs of New York, but it’s a little different when a mixed race couple can’t attend church together, when high school students have “black proms” and “white proms,” and when country clubs have unwritten policies against admitting members of color.

Small biz lost the battle against corporate chains

You’d love to shop local, if only there were places to do it. Your dining options are limited to fast food, Olive Garden and T.G.I. Friday’s, and if you want household essentials, Walmart is the place to go. Mom and Pop shops were plowed under a long time ago to erect another sprawling retail warehouse, and locally-made products are hard to find. Sadly, some towns have opened their arms to big business in the hopes of receiving more jobs and cheaper products, but they’ve lost their identities in the bargain.

Freedom of religion

We are a diverse nation of atheists, Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, agnostics, Christians and dozens more religions and spiritual traditions, but in some towns, you’d never know it. That’s because the people who don’t attend twice-weekly church services and quote scripture in every conversation are often shamed into staying quiet about their beliefs. If you don’t fit in, you’re not just a heathen, you’re probably a devil-worshipper, and no one will ever loan you a pound of sugar or give you a ride when you’re broken down on the side of the road. Every group is guilty of occasionally marginalizing those who are different from them. That doesn’t mean you have to accept intolerance.

Every other car has an NRA bumper sticker

Sitting behind a monster truck at a traffic light, you’re staring at no less than a half-dozen highly offensive bumper stickers with slogans like “To get to heaven, turn right and go straight,” “Waterboarding works,” “Welcome to America, now go home,” and “I’ll keep my freedom and my guns, you keep the change.” This isn’t an isolated incident; they’re everywhere you go, even on vans full of children. You’re almost afraid to put up your meek little equality sign lest your car get keyed. If only people wore these slogans on their chests every day, you’d know just who to avoid.

Your town just won’t let you be great

You can’t find a good job. Nobody laughs at your jokes. All the single men you meet are behind on their cell phone payments and literally live in their mother’s basements. Sure, these could be signs of your own character deficiencies, but you’d probably prefer to believe that this place just isn’t for you. Don’t let your location stifle your self-expression or hold you back from doing great things. Either get out of dodge, or do them anyway, no matter what anyone else thinks.

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The post 10 Signs It’s Time to Leave Your Town appeared first on EcoSalon.

Don’t stay for the wrong reasons.

Sometimes, relationships are like ugly old sweaters: they’re not flattering, they don’t make you feel good, and they’re actually kind of scratchy, now that you think about it. But they’re so familiar, you just can’t bear to get rid of them. Consider giving yourself room for something better – or just have fun being single for a while. Here are signs it may be time to part with the familiar.

You barely spend any time together.

It’s no surprise that, with both partners often working full-time jobs, modern couples may spend less time together than ever. Some couples juggle a lot of responsibilities and strain to see each other on a regular basis – that’s fairly normal. However, a big red flag should pop up when you find that you just aren’t mustering the effort to make it work. If you’d rather stay home and watch movies alone than go out on a romantic date or even just a casual get-together with your boyfriend or girlfriend, something is not right.

Your partner makes you feel bad about yourself.

You should never find yourself believing that you’re not good enough due to your partner’s words or actions. Even if it’s said in a joking way, a jibe about your looks, your job, your intelligence or any matter that relates to self-esteem can really hurt. Don’t just sit back and take it when the “jokes” keep adding up, or your partner doesn’t even bother to cloak his or her constant criticism. There’s a difference between constructive feedback or advice and comments that are meant to tear you down.

You can’t stop fighting.

He doesn’t help out around the house. You nitpick the way he drives. He ate the last cookie that your mom made for you. You made a funny face that could be interpreted as eye rolling. The sky is blue. If you find yourself getting into arguments over nothing and everything, there’s trouble brewing. Constant fighting is a sign of high tension, and while stress can certainly be a big factor in this, there are often underlying relationship issues causing your conflicts. When you can’t work them out – or simply don’t care to – say goodbye.

Your goals in life don’t mesh.

You’re on a quest for self-improvement, or at least a better life, and he’s content to sit in that armchair playing the latest XBox game until the end of his days. You’re growing as a human being, thinking about getting a better job or moving to a new place or having children, and she’s thinking about doing the same old thing she has done virtually every day for the past five years. Don’t sit around waiting for your partner to change. Unless you settle for less than what you truly want in your life, or your partner has some kind of epiphany, things aren’t looking good.

You try to justify repeated wrongs.

Making excuses for your partner’s ill deeds is not doing anyone any favors, least of all yourself. You tell yourself that he’s cold because of his relationship with his mother, that she doesn’t comfort you in your time of need because she’s distracted, that he cheated those three times because he was drunk and you were working late. If even after discussing these issues, they continue to recur, don’t keep justifying them; it just gives your partner permission to continue hurting you indefinitely.

You daydream about leaving.

You used to get lost in visions of cozy domestic life with your love, and now you’re longing to pack your bags and live like a bohemian artist in Paris. Everyone thinks about these things every now and then, but the danger comes when such thoughts become almost like an obsession. When you’re soothing yourself to bed at night with fantasies about starting fresh, you’re looking for a way out.

You’re staying out of self-sacrifice.

When it comes down to it, you realize that you’re no longer in love, but how can you leave? He just wouldn’t be able to get by without you. Maybe you’ve got children, and you worry about how the dissolution of your relationship will affect them. That’s totally understandable, but you’ve got to give yourself more value. Are you really helping your partner by staying with him or her at this point? Is your unhappiness affecting your kids anyway? Don’t waste what little time you have. Give yourself a chance at something real.

You keep secrets.

Once, there was nothing you kept from each other. You confessed all of your deepest secrets and told each other about virtually every aspect of your day, from the antics of an annoying co-worker to worries about your health. But now, things have changed. You conveniently forgot to mention that you’re back in touch with your college sweetheart, or that you’ve been putting money into a secret savings account that’s just for you. Being in a healthy relationship doesn’t have to mean giving over every little detail of yourself, but there definitely shouldn’t be any deception involved.

You’re not having sex.

Libidos change, and sometimes medical issues can cause serious shifts in sexual desire. If your sex life has gone off a cliff, eliminate any physical causes first. Then examine the state of your relationship. If either you or your partner just aren’t interested anymore, it may be a sign that your relationship changed from romantic to platonic when you weren’t looking. It’s not the end-all be-all issue for every relationship, but for most of us, sex is an integral part of a healthy union. When the spark fizzles out despite all efforts to revive it, you may be better off as friends.

The thrill is gone.

A big part of graduating to the real world of adult relationships is realizing that the early butterflies-in-your-stomach phase is supposed to blossom into something more stable and, perhaps, less exciting. Chances are, even if you’re with your “soul mate,” you don’t feel quite the same way about him as you did when you first met. But what if seeing your partner after an extended absence stirs no strong emotions whatsoever? Stop accepting mediocrity and meting it out in return. It’s time to move on.

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The post 10 Signs It’s Time to Leave Your Relationship appeared first on EcoSalon.

Has your cubicle got you comatose? Here are some warning signs that it’s time to launch your conscious career.

Most of us spend more time with our colleagues and bosses than our partners, kids and friends. If that’s not motivation to make sure your job is a good fit, what is? The job you choose can determine how physically and mentally healthy you are, your standard of living, your future prospects and whether you look back at your life at the brink of death and feel like you did your best. Consider these 10 signs that it’s time to quit, and you might just set yourself onto a much more fulfilling path.

Just about any task is better than doing your job.

When you’re at work, you’ll do just about anything to avoid performing the tasks that are assigned to you. You play around on Facebook, browse the internet and organize your vacation photos. In fact, you’re happy to perform menial tasks like taking out the trash and running errands for the boss – anything that will keep you away from your job for another five minutes. In other words, your work is utterly joyless for you.

You’ve got unsolvable issues with management.

There’s almost always going to be a certain amount of friction between workers and management; that’s just the way of the world. But sometimes, no matter how hard you try to diffuse it, conflicts with your higher-ups can jeopardize your career well into the future. First, make sure that it isn’t all your Facebooking, those lunchtime cocktails or any other performance or behavior issues that are causing the problem. Then, talk to your boss’ boss. If that doesn’t work, think about moving on. Sometimes, it’s just not a good fit.

Your company is on a downward spiral.

There have been layoffs left and right, and the company has been reorganized and consolidated so many times it’s hardly recognizable. Things are so tight, they’ve asked white-collar workers to start delivering packages and vacuuming their own cubicles. This ship is probably going down, and even if the company manages to hang on, your position could be eliminated at any time. Don’t be caught by surprise. Start researching new jobs right now.

Your skills aren’t valued.

You feel like you’ve got a lot to offer, and your company just isn’t using you to your full potential. Not only are you rarely challenged, but you’re marginalized. Maybe you’re not being included in important meetings, or you’ve been passed over for a promotion. If your job doesn’t let you flex, you won’t be able to build more skills and grow professionally.

You’re stuck in a dead end.

You haven’t gotten very far in your company, but the growth has stopped, and it doesn’t look like things will be getting better any time soon. There are no opportunities to move up, and no opportunities for higher pay. Unless you can come to grips with the fact that you might remain stagnant for the rest of your career, you should explore options that can take you higher.

You dread going to work.

It’s Sunday night and your stomach is a ball of lead. The absolute last thing you want to do tomorrow morning is get up and go to work. Maybe your anxiety is so bad, you have a hard time enjoying your weekends because you just can’t stop thinking about Monday morning. When you hate your job this much, you’re not doing yourself or your employers any favors by staying on.

You’re simply bored.

Maybe work is not so bad, but you can’t muster much enthusiasm about it. You definitely don’t feel passionate about what you do – it’s just work. This is reality for a lot of people, and in a poor economy, it’s probably not enough reason on its own to quit your job. But take this opportunity to imagine what kind of job would make you truly happy. What would you rather be doing right at this moment? Running a food truck, starting a dog grooming business or growing exotic orchids could certainly be a viable business. Your dream might be more achievable than you think.

You can’t pay your bills.

On the other hand, some people quit well-paying jobs with the hopes of following their dreams only to find that surviving on their new pay is practically impossible. If you truly love what you’re doing, make it work. That might mean downsizing your lifestyle so that you don’t require as much money to pay the bills. But if you’re working to exhaustion every day and still stressing about your paltry paychecks, it’s probably not worth it.

It’s affecting your health.

Speaking of stress, it can really do some cruel and horrifying things to your body and your mind, putting you at increased risk for heart attacks, respiratory disorders and hormonal imbalances. It can cause tension headaches, nerve pain, irritability, joint pain, ulcers and depression. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your well-being for your job. If you lie in bed every morning wishing you could call in sick yet again, perhaps this gig is not for you.

It’s affecting your personal life.

You’d love to go out for drinks with friends, catch up with that cute guy that always flirts with you at the gym or attend your daughter’s dance recital, but you can’t. You’ve got to go to work. Some people aren’t bothered by 80-hour work weeks, and everybody has to decide for themselves what level of personal sacrifice they find acceptable. But being miserable because your job is keeping you from enjoying your life? Not okay.

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Photo: Rachael Voorhees, Ana Patricia Alameida, EpSos.de, whatmegsaid

The post 10 Signs It’s Time to Leave Your Job appeared first on EcoSalon.