Just when you thought the tormenting and psychological trauma was over, you experience a new kind of hell: workplace bullying.

Maybe you were one of the lucky ones who made it through elementary, middle, high school, and possibly even college, relatively unscathed from bullying. School is over and you’re settling into your career. You decorate your cubicle, greet your coworkers each morning, and abide by the company’s rules. But rather than feel at ease everyday, you’re beginning to have a sense of dread, nausea even, that feels like a knot in the pit of your stomach. You start to dislike going into the office, obsessing over what’s happening at work, and are taking more and more time off for mental health breaks. There may be a sense of shame or disbelief about the opposition you’re experiencing from a certain someone. And you may be wondering why you’re being singled out.

You may be a victim of workplace bullying.

A University of Phoenix research study conducted in 2008 by Dr. Judy Blando revealed that 47 percent of participants admitted to being bullied during their career and 75 percent reported witnessing mistreatment of others. The study indicates that in recent years the government has discouraged bullying and violence in schools, but has done little to address workplace bullying by passing legislation to prevent bosses and coworkers from harming others in the workplace.

According to the Workplace Bullying Institute (WBI), workplace bullying is defined as repeated, health-harming mistreatment of one or more persons (the targets) by one or more perpetrators. It is abusive conduct that is: threatening, humiliating, or intimidating, and involves work interference, like sabotage, which prevents work from getting done, or verbal abuse. The study also includes in its definition the inclusion of both intentional and unintentional behaviors that a coworker perceives as an intentional effort to be harmed, controlled, or driven from the workplace.

Workplace bullying has many motives and is believed to be driven by the perpetrator’s need to control the targeted individual. It’s thought to be initiated by bullies who choose their targets, timing, location, and methods, escalates to get others to side with the bully, either voluntarily or through coercion, and is even likened to domestic violence at work.

In addition to the definition, it’s important to be able to identify the signs of workplace bullying in order to protect yourself and others. Here are just a few of the experiences you may face at work. These have been compiled from the Workplace Bullying Institute.

Signs of Workplace Bullying

1. You are given a seemingly impossible task for which you execute the work, yet it is never good enough for the boss.
2. Others at work have been told to stop working, talking, or socializing with you.
3. No matter what you do, you are never left alone to do your job without interference.
4. People feel justified screaming and yelling at you in front of others, but you are punished if you scream back.
5. HR tells you that your harassment isn’t illegal and that you have to “work it out between yourselves.”
6. Everyone–co-workers, senior bosses, HR–agrees (in person and orally) that your tormentor is a jerk, but there is nothing they will do about it (and later, when you ask for their support, they deny having agreed with you).
7. Your request to transfer to an open position under another boss is mysteriously denied.

Workplace bullying doesn’t end at the office, either. It’s often something you take home with you everyday. From feeling so ill before work that you think you may vomit, to skyrocketing blood pressure and being urged to find a new job by your doctor, bullying can manifest physically. It also creates mental anguish that may negatively affect your relationships with others and yourself. From days spent feeling exhausted and lifeless, to no longer enjoying your favorite activities, depression and anxiety are not far-fetched.

Fortunately, there is hope. Even if it means looking for new employment, removing yourself from an abusive workplace is the best decision. Here are some suggestions on how to deal with a bully from the Workplace Bullying Institute.

• Naming the problem is the first step. Whether you identify it as bullying, psychological harassment, psychological violence, emotional abuse, it’s important to give it a name, especially when bullying is downplayed because it’s not the textbook definition of illegal.
• It’s also crucial that you don’t blame yourself, and recognize that you did not do anything to invite the unwanted abuse.
• WBI recommends taking sick leave or short-term disability, which can be granted by your doctor. While out, it’s suggested that you do five things: (1) check your mental health with a professional and discuss your plan of action (stay and fight, or leave); (2) check your physical health for stress-related diseases: (3) research state and federal legal options and talk to an attorney; (4) Make the bottom-line business case for stopping the bully, found here; and (5) start your job search for the next position.
• Finally, it’s recommended that you expose the bully. Because targets lose their jobs–involuntarily or by choice for their health’s sake–in more than 77 percent of cases, it’s paramount that you present evidence against the perpetrator.

This is just a brief look into workplace bullying and what it entails. The Workplace Bullying Institute is an invaluable resource to those who are experiencing related problems at work. Most importantly, you are not alone and shouldn’t be ashamed to confide in someone you trust.

How did you deal with a bully at work? Share your thoughts on the EcoSalon Facebook page.

Related on EcoSalon

Bully: A New Documentary To Empower the Underdog
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The post 7 Signs of Workplace Bullying: Yes, It Happens and Here’s How to Stop It appeared first on EcoSalon.

You know how we women always talk about supporting other women? Whether in work, social, or life in general, we gals realize sticking together makes everything a bit easier. Now, wouldn’t it be great if this started when we were younger?

There seems to be an inherent rivalry amongst females. Fighting over a guy, a job, or a parking spot can bring out the claws. While time seems to bring more zen between us, none of us would debate tween and teen girls are at the height of girl trouble. What starts as simple disputes and sassiness on elementary school playgrounds can get pretty ugly once they get to middle school. Spats and sneers happen. And sometimes it’s good to get our daughters ready for life by letting them handle disputes on their own. But too often things go much further than kids know how to handle. Name calling, spreading rumors, or verbal and physical abuse can lead to depression, anxiety, self harm, and even suicide.

Why are girls so hard on each other and what can we do to change this?

Two women, and real life BFFs, are working very hard to figure this dilemma out and inspire positive change. Lauren Paul and Molly Thompson are co-founders of Kind Campaign, an organization directed at bringing attention to “girl on girl crime.” This can be anywhere on the map from not letting someone sit at a lunch table to serious cruelty.

Information on bullying is nothing new to parents and school administration. But what makes Kind Campaign different is a focus on bringing awareness of this type of cruelty to those who are most affected: our girls. It not only helps girls to realize they are not the only ones being mistreated, but shows real life consequences to those doing the bullying.

Lauren and Molly share stories of girl on girl cruelty (including their own) via assemblies and social media influencers. What started out as a documentary on female bullying, turned into a non-profit that is helping girls across America tell their stories and bring to light the damage done by these acts.

They’ve also developed a curriculum that can be used with Kind Clubs. These clubs are established through schools, youth organizations or even groups of friends as a way to build a mini community where girls can feel safe and build trusting friendships. There are currently hundreds of Kind Clubs across the country.

Mean girl type behavior is so prevalent that it is almost accepted as a rite of passage. How insane that we feel, and sometimes even advise, this bullying is just a phase, a stepping stone in life that will eventually get better. The sad truth is, some girls don’t make it through this “phase” to get to the better.

Middle school years are tough enough. Self discovery, adjusting to changing bodies, dealing with pressure from sports and academics. We women need to teach young girls to band together and stand up for each other, not keep their heads down and grit it out. Kudos to Lauren and Molly for getting the conversation started. It is up to us to keep it going.

If you are interested in setting up an assembly or organizing a Kind Club, go to KindCampaign.com. You can also follow along on Instagram to keep up with the campaign.

Related on EcoSalon

Bully: A New Documentary To Empower the Underdog

Acceptable Cyber Bullying: Why Are Anonymous Commenters So Vicious?

8 Ways Introverts Can Avoid Social Awkwardness (Without Being a Recluse)

Image of happy girl via Shutterstock

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ColumnWhat’s the best way to fight back against body-shaming bullies? Put your ass into it!

The fastest way to make a girl feel bad is to make fun of her body.

Forty-seven percent of girls in 5th-12th grade say they want to lose weight because of magazine pictures, according to The National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Related Disorders.

You can veto women’s magazines from your home, but short of forcing your daughter to live under a rock, it’s impossible to keep girls from absorbing societal messages about what they are “supposed to look like.” And, with added pressure from classmates, it’s easy to understand why so many people (20 million women and 10 million men) have eating disorders.

Carleigh O’Connell, an awesome 14-year-old from New Jersey, found that some of her classmates spray-painted a rock with: “Carleigh’s ass.”

The message Carleigh was supposed to receive, internalize and—possibly—struggle with for decades to come is that her butt is too big. Instead, she posed with the graffiti wearing a bikini, showing off her tush and smiling.

Then, she posted the photo of herself on Instagram and asked her mom to put it on Facebook. Her mom posted it with this note (you can read her whole post here): “My daughter heard that her “rear end” “figure” “body shape” ….you can see the description for yourself in the photo ….was made fun of on a big rock at the beach. Well….it was true. She found it and knew it was hers since her name has a very distinct spelling. Many kids at school told her about it. We talked about it. And while she was upset, she told me she was going to make something good out of it.”

Cheers to Carleigh and her mom for taking control of the situation and turning it into something positive. With mean girls firmly entrenched in most schools, #thinspiration everywhere and oh-so coveted thigh gaps being photoshopped in so often that it’s easy to forget that not everyone has one, it’s hard out there for a girl.

Carleigh’s reaction and willingness to share her photo shows that one person can shift the conversation.

“I wanted to show whoever decided to write that that I was stronger than that,” she told TODAY.com. “It didn’t impact me at all. I didn’t put my head down, I didn’t cry about it. I didn’t give the kids the power they wanted.”

“It felt very empowering,” she added.

Related On EcoSalon

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Image: Daryl Lynn O’Connell on Facebook

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The best of EcoSalon’s stories this week.

Have you caught the buzz about Bully, the new film aiming to bring this life-wrecking activity out into the open? Fighting off censorship that would have kept it from reaching its target audience, it is now sparking the discussion its creators hoped to engineer. Get the full story here. (And three cheers for Canada, which currently has two competing anti-bullying bills going through its legislature).

If you’re a card-carrying foodie and you’re put on an elimination diet – end of the party for your taste-buds? Not so, as Sara Lingafelter explains – it’s helping her remember the pleasure that comes with slow food, starting with this citrus-free hummus substitute.

In the words of Sherlock Holmes – when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. Since the impossible seems to be part of the deal when it comes to Arizona’s recent law on conception, we must consider everything to be the truth. Check out Mallory Ortberg’s pre-natal advice for the mentally adventurous.

If you work for Kashi, you’ve probably had a stressful couple of weeks. After revelations about the company’s genetically modified and pesticide-reliant ingredients went viral, they’ve been fighting a publicity meltdown. Is it as simple as questionable sourcing practices that need to be cleaned up or just plain eliminated? Jessica Marati takes a closer look.

Finally, you may have heard that the world is warming up (yes, really) and the glaciers – the largest reservoirs of freshwater on Earth – are in retreat. Check out these 25 pictures of gorgeous glaciers from around the world. Last chance to see?

The post The Friday 5: Elimination Edition appeared first on EcoSalon.

How a documentary is urging individuals to stand up to crush bullying once and for all.

Kids from my 6th grade class at Collier Street Elementary will remember the funny catch phrase: “Harold did it! Harold did it!” Naturally, the attribute was linked to anything utterly humiliating that occurred on a given day.

Harold Levinson was new, slow, fat and his name was Harold. He made an ideal Piggy for the brazen ringleaders – angry boys undoubtedly getting whipped by post-military fathers at home – and the followers, who despite their own bevy of self doubts, could not resist belonging to something. No one shoved Harold’s head in a locker or stole his lunch money, the typical fodder witnessed in My Bodyguard in 1980. Ours was the more subliminal form of torment in which a a misfit was poked and taunted and convinced he was worthless at a time when his vulnerability was at its peak.

Worse case scenario: the brutality ends in suicide as witnessed in the powerful film, Bully which profiles a handful of boys and one lesbian girl victimized by other students at various public schools in the nation. In the case of the gay teen in bible belt Oklahoma, the fear-based teachers are no better than the thugs; and in just about all of the other cases, parents as well as administrators prove clueless at taking effective action.

14 year-old Alex Hopkins, featured in Bully

Alex Hopkins is among those submitting. A gentle, 14-year-old middle school student, Hopkins is targeted on the dreaded yellow bus in his Sioux City, Iowa district. Branded fish face because of his flattened nose and puffy lips, the meek and seemingly kind boy is attacked daily by an older boy while egged on by other riders.

“Do it!” another geek encourages, while poor Alex is getting slugged in the back for no other reason than he is occupying the edge of a vinyl seat. The viewer becomes increasingly aggravated as no ally steps in to help.

A maddening confrontation occurs when Alex’s parents meet with the school. Despite the fact we have all witnessed the disturbing footage, the principal denies the bus poses a danger. “I’ve ridden that bus and those kids are as good as gold,” she assures them.

Producer Cynthia Lowen says to EcoSalon, “It’s not that the administrators in the film are not good people or are not trying, but many of the administrators in our country simply have not been equipped with the tools to effectively address bullying,”

While the lack of tools is frustrating, Emmy Award-winning director, Lee Hirsch – who, like Harold Levinson was a bullied Jewish school boy –  says blaming schools and policy makers won’t solve the problem of 5.7 million students bullied each year in the U.S. school system. Instead, Levinson looks to individuals to battle the bully epidemic.

“In the film, we’ve certainly shied away from any kind of legislative agenda,” he tells The Atlantic. “Rather, I think the focus, at least for us, especially because we’re not experts, is to hopefully allow people to feel like they can make a difference. Particularly young viewers – that they can stand up, they can put a stop to it, they can step in on someone’s behalf and that’s empowering, that’s possible and that really will cause change.”

His film’s slogan that “change starts with one” has sparked the movement Hirsch envisioned. He launched the Bully Project Social Action Campaign which partners with every mover and shaker central to the bully-victim dynamic. Its primary initiative is getting one million kids into theaters in 55 cities and towns in the U.S. and Canada to view and discuss the the film with a trained facilitator for an immersive experience.

Kelby, a 16 year old bullied lesbian featured in the documentary

“Facilitators use a 50-page guide of questions prepared by Facing History and Ourselves which allows a wrap-around discussion experience for the kids,” explains Margo Reid, head of Partners Relations with the campaign. “It’ s not simply about addressing the symptoms of bullying but also getting to the root issue – which is social and emotional learning in schools and in the community.”

Reid says 100,000 kids have viewed it or are scheduled to view it in the coming weeks. In the meantime, the campaign is reaching out to public schools to do their part. Seeding a special program with $450,000, the goal is to further an online platform for teachers to raise private money to continue to train parents, educators and students on how to make a difference in the response to bullying.

“The parents of the kids who are doing the bullying allowed their kids to be in this film, which was an incredibly courageous act, with the belief that they could learn from seeing their behaviors projected this way and change,” argues Lowen. “I think we all know that kids who bully have a huge potential for change, but it is up to adults to create environments in which bullying behavior is not tolerated, and where adults model positive behaviors and support all kids in the community.”

But support comes with communication and this is often lacking, another factor which complicates the issue. Sometimes victims don’t tell their parents or insist on staying at a school no matter what; sometimes parents blame the victims, as in the case of Alex’s dad who warned his sheepish son to “stop it now or else your sister will also get it.”

Another girl in the film, a battered honors student, tried to stop it by resorting to threatening kids on the bus with a gun from home. A judge gave her a lucky break from a prison sentence but it becomes clear, these kids can’t be expected to solve these horrors on their own. While the problem is complicated, the film shows us the answers are pretty simple. When it comes to negotiating the often ruthless and backwards world of modern education, anyone tolerating violence is as guilty as the aggressors.

“Every single person can walk away from this film with the motivation to make a change in their own behavior, and to step in when they witness bullying, whether that means as a young person sitting with someone who is routinely ostracized at lunch, or as a teacher standing in the halls before classes, or for administrators to take the time to really investigate bully situations, or as parents, to have meaningful conversations with their kids about bullying,” insists Lowen.

To watch the trailer for the movie go here.

Images: The Bully Project

The post Bully: A New Documentary To Empower the Underdog appeared first on EcoSalon.

Have we all been mean girls at one time or another?

When Rachel Simmons penned  Odd Girl Out in 2002, she opened the door to the treacherous world of tween and teen girl relationships. What was behind it shocked many and gave rise to new research and changed society’s perception of girls, their personalities and the way they really interact.

What I am taking away from the revised 2011 version is new insight not only into girls’ relationships today, but insight into myself, other women I know, our relationships and the way we interact with each other personally and with others professionally.

Simmons spent three years talking to girls in several schools in different parts of the country, as well as adult women who looked back on their experiences. Listening to these girls tell their stories was like being transported back in time. It also illuminated the roots of such female behaviors as ganging up, rumor spreading, exclusion, silent treatment, and nice-in-private and mean-in-public friends. Some were bullied mercilessly, while others were the aggressors, yet all were “nice” girls who say they were never out to hurt anyone. They were just angry. Really, really angry. I think most women can recognize these behaviors to varying degrees in themselves or others at some point in their lives, not just during teenage years.

Sowing the Seeds of the Good Girl

From a young age, girls are conditioned to be “good.” Girls who talked to Simmons described “ideal” girls as being pretty, popular, smiling, happy, helpless, dependent, perfect, and having superficial conflicts (solved easily), while “anti-girls” are athletic, brainy, opinionated, pushy, professional, strong, independent, and hard to get along with. Society’s version of the good girl stresses perfection where there is no room for expressing anger and learning about conflict. This forces girls into a stifling silence that can manifest itself in these destructive behaviors. “Our culture has made truth telling and anger, indeed, everything that is ‘not nice,’ feel wrong to girls.”

Relationships Are Critical

For girls, relationships are crucial, but therein lies the minefield. Much of girls’ identities are wrapped up in their social lives. Friends play a huge role and isolation is punishing. Girls act out against each other by threatening to withhold or terminate friendships (relational aggression). Many times, along with torpedoing the friendship comes a crowd effect where others turn against the target as well, isolating her from her peers. Girls learn to wield this relationship power and fear its consequences at an early age.

“In fact, it is the deep knowledge girls have of relationship, and the passion they lavish on their closest friends, that characterizes much of their aggression. The most painful attacks are usually fashioned from deep inside a close friendship and are fueled by secrets and once-shared weaknesses.”

Simmons believes that betrayal in a close friendship at a young age is extremely damaging. It shatters children’s beliefs that friends are nice and that love given will be returned. Some of the stories Simmons tells are tough to read. A vicious campaign against a girl that seemed too confident (“thinks she’s all that”), girls who left others behind in the empty pursuit of popularity, and the constant shift of power within circles of “friendship” had devastating and long-lasting effects on those involved.

Other women Simmons talked to described developing a mistrust of other women and drastic personality changes due to early aggression. Other girls remaining in toxic friendships, were unable to break away, and over time internalized the idea that not only their feelings were expendable but that they are disposable. These same women were also seen to quash their own feelings, needs and wants in order to please the domineering friend. This sets the stage for other unhealthy relationships later in life, including ones with domestic violence.

Does this mean that all girls are irredeemably spiteful and vicious? No. Simmons says these behaviors are a result of girls not learning to deal with anger and face-to-face confrontations, and most girls experience them in one form or another. Are all girls involved in such malicious instances of bullying? No. But bullying comes in varying degrees. Some emerge relatively unscathed, while others carry deep scars into adulthood.

Code Phrase: “I’m Sorry”

“I’m sorry” has many meanings in Girlspeak. During a silent girl vs. girl struggle, it signals surrender. Whomever says it first, loses. On the flip side, “I’m sorry” heads off confrontation altogether and short-circuits discussion. When a girl does try to express her feelings to a friend, a dismissive “I’m sorry,” ends the conversation. Any attempt to continue looks like an emotional overreaction, which is another taboo. In addition to being “good,” girls are not to be emotional (remember that “ideal” girls are always happy). Emotion is used against them. “I’m sorry” is also a knee-jerk reaction, the phrase that springs easily to the lips in many situations to seem courteous and appear good, but ends up making women and girls seem submissive, unsure, and smaller than they are.

How Talking About It Can Help Them and Help Heal Us

Although Simmons’ lengthy research focused primarily on situations involving girls between ten and seventeen, she concedes that these behaviors don’t go away when girls grow up. Simmons said, “The cultural constraints on anger and aggression don’t disappear when a girl grows older, she doesn’t enter womanhood suddenly being able to speak her mind, so these behaviors continue.” Simmons believes that the best way to change is for women to encourage girls to talk, to learn how to deal with conflict in a healthy way and to develop an outlet for their frustration and anger. Both women and girls can benefit.

After writing Odd Girl Out, Simmons traded journalism for a teaching certificate and co-founded the Girls Leadership Institute (GLI), a nonprofit organization focused on teaching girls (K-12), educators and parents about healthy relationships, assertiveness and self-expression. During these workshops, girls learn leadership skills and how to recognize and deal with aggressive behavior.

Simmons is proud to see the progress the girls make during the workshops. When I asked her how the girls applied their newfound skills and awareness once they returned to their original environment, she reported that when the girls looked at their old environment through their new, empowered lens, their friends either accepted and embraced their assertiveness, or the girls realized their old relationships were unhealthy and had the strength to move on.

Perhaps the more girls who learn these skills, and the more girls who witness their use will create a ripple effect in changing attitudes. While Simmons is teaching girls to flex their assertiveness muscles early, she admits that society is very uncomfortable with these displays of power. Personally and professionally, women and girls can only be so empowered. Society has to change its perception of how women and girls should act for there to be any real change.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Almost all girls have been on both sides of the fence – the bully and the bullied. The talker and the talked about. The one left behind in a friendship, and the one who moved onto a new set of friends, perhaps leaving out a former confidant. Childhood is tough to navigate, especially within the societal constraints of the “good” girl. After reading Odd Girl Out, I looked back at my own childhood experiences and could see many parallels. However, I could also identify toxic friendships in college and into adulthood, as well as personal and professional situations handled badly.

The first step to acknowledging a problem: talk about it. Considered just a part of childhood by many, after a rash of suicides attributed to bullying, it is now being recognized as the poisonous behavior it is. In Odd Girl Out, Simmons devotes time to defining normal friendship-growing-pain behavior as opposed to actual bullying. Bullying is also being called out in other settings and people are being encouraged to open up about their experiences. Bullying in the workplace has become an issue in recent years, with much of it perpetuated by women. Ecosalon editor Sara Ost talks about her own brush with bullying as an adult and her advice for dealing with it, and walking away. A new YA book, Dear Bully: 70 Authors Tell Their Stories features tales from the bullied, and those who were bullies.

Has girl bullying improved over the last decade since Odd Girl Out’s original publication date and the formation of GLI? Simmons calls it a good news/bad news situation. The good news is that since it has come to light, more research is being done, there are more interventions and more states are holding schools accountable with anti-bullying legislation.

The bad news is that cyberbullying is a particularly virulent strain of bullying and is only getting worse. Additionally, Simmons laments, reality TV has glorified bad female behavior, turning aggression into a form of entertainment and highlighting confrontation in exactly the wrong way. This works against all efforts to promote healthy emotional interaction, and, sadly, many girls are watching and emulating.

It’s time for women to feel more comfortable expressing themselves in a healthy way – and for society to encourage us. We need a world with less repression and more genuine friendships, young and old.

image: Monica Arellano-Ongpin, Ava Weintraub

The post We’re All Mean Girls, Sometimes appeared first on EcoSalon.

Sexting and cyberbullying have harsher consequences for girls.

A recent instance of cyberbullying involved a slut list that was initially mass forwarded amongst students using Blackberry Messenger until one New York teen said he was tired of requests to forward it and decided to create a “smut list” Facebook group (the name was evidently changed to avoid flagging). Only a few months prior, a girl on the other side of the country took a full-frontal nude photo of herself and sent it to her new boyfriend. A series of events and bad decisions resulted in that photo going viral throughout her school, community and beyond. In both instances, girls were painted with the equivalent of a cyber scarlet letter.

Bad girl directory

The list contained over 100 girls’ first and last names (some as young as 14), ranked them according to their alleged sexual encounters and what they were willing to do, and included anonymous commentary. All boys’ names were omitted. The girls are from seven different high schools in the Westchester, New York and Greenwich, Connecticut areas. The group attracted more than 7,000 “likes” overnight.

The good news is that the schools and the authorities are taking it seriously, investigating, and discussing some severe punishment. The bad news is that, like all digital content, it most likely still exists somewhere. There is no way to unring this particular bell. In a time where college admissions personnel and job recruiters admit to Googling prospective applicants, inclusion on the list could have long-lasting consequences.

Clearly both boys and girls participated in creating, expanding, commenting on, and distributing this list, but it is no surprise that it only contains girls’ names. The underlying principle never changes – society perceives sexually active boys to be studs, and sexually active girls to be sluts. It’s such a tired double standard it would be laughable if it weren’t so damaging. In this case, the larger problem with this list is that it could be a complete fabrication. True or not, this list tars the reputations of all the girls who are even mentioned in association with it.

Take nude photo, send nude photo, lose control of nude photo, live with nude photo forever

The New York Times recently told the story of an eighth-grade girl in Washington state who took a nude photo of herself and sent it to her boyfriend. Her boyfriend soon became her ex-boyfriend and she had a falling out with a friend. Her ex-boyfriend forwarded the photo to her ex-friend, who forwarded it to her entire contact list. In just one day, it had spread to hundreds of students in her hometown. After that, there is no way to tell how many people have seen it, or where it went next. When she tried to change schools, she was recognized, pointed at and whispered about.

The ex-friend and ex-boyfriend faced criminal charges, but ultimately their punishment was to educate other students on the dangers of sexting. The girl who took the photo of herself faced no charges, but her lifelong punishment is clear. Despite the dangers, sexting has become popular with both teens and adults.

How common is sexting?

According to a 2008 study commissioned by The National Campaign to Prevent Teenage and Unplanned Pregnancy and CosmoGirl.com, 20 percent of teens overall have electronically sent, or posted online, nude or semi-nude pictures or video of themselves (22 percent of teen girls, 18 percent of teen boys, and 11 percent of young girls 13-16). The numbers go up for young adults 20-26 (33 percent overall, 36 percent of women and 31 percent of men). When you count only suggestive messages (sans images), the numbers nearly double in both categories.

Sexting begins with one bad decision, but it could stop there if the recipient did not forward it on. Do teens and young adults just think it’s no big deal? Do they really think the messages and images they send will remain private? Especially once the relationship ends?

I believe dissemination requires malice. This generation of teens and young adults have grown up with the Internet and viral videos on YouTube. It’s hard to believe that they don’t understand the consequences of forwarding a nude photo or posting a slut list rooted in viciousness.

No matter what, girls are the most negatively affected. The NYT reports that a boy who sends pictures of himself might be considered an idiot or boastful, but girls are labeled sluts. “Photos of girls tend to go viral more often, because boys and girls will circulate girls’ photos in part to shame them.” However, when a boy sends a sexy photo to a girl, she usually does not forward it to the masses. Boys do not  forward photos of other boys, because they don’t want to admit to having photos like that. Not only is sexting a bad idea, but it’s an especially bad idea for girls.

Girls and Sex – Disrespect, Pressure, and Dehumanization

The reason that girls are more negatively affected when it comes to bullying related to sex is found in sexual attitudes toward girls and women that have not improved with the passing of time, and in fact, seem to have gotten worse.

A fraternity at Yale lines up and yells, “No means yes! Yes means anal!” and sends out its own version of a slut list, ranking incoming freshman girls by how many beers the authors thought it would take to have sex with them. At USC, a fraternity member sent out a disgustingly detailed email designed to identify “sorostitutes” willing to have sex, calling girls “targets” and saying that girls “are not actual people like us men…consequently, giving them a certain name or distinction is pointless.” It’s easy to see how treacherous the sexual climate surrounding girls these days really is.

Recent findings by the Center for Disease Control (CDC) suggests that sexual intercourse rates are down, but there is always a risk of teens lying on the questionnaire and questions not distinguishing between intercourse and oral sex. Conflicting reports have participation in oral sex from only 7 percent to over 50 percent of teens, but it’s possible that oral sex is on the rise as a hedge against unplanned pregnancy (the U.S. teen birth rate fell to a record low in 2009), and a way for girls to remain “technical virgins” longer.

Despite being bombarded with media messages, pressured to have sex younger and younger, and being the target of cyberbullying or objectifying attitudes – ultimately, it’s up to girls themselves to navigate this sexual minefield. No one else can make decisions for them about sending out sext messages of themselves or others, participating in creating a slut list of their peers, or deciding to when and how to have sex. We need to redouble our efforts to encourage girls to have respect for themselves and their bodies, resist peer pressure, and become educated on the consequences of all types of sex.

As for some boys’ and men’s attitudes about girls and women? Will they ever change? If not, these are the attitudes that the next generation of men will take to work with their female colleagues and bring home to their wives and daughters.

Photo Credit: modenadude

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ColumnTips for dealing with female bullies.

One of my favorite stories is the one about my good friend and the little dog. When this friend, whose name is Carol, was a girl growing up in a suburban Seattle cul-de-sac, the neighborhood kids would often meet up after school in a patch of undeveloped woods nearby to play. One day, as she was running along the sidewalk to meet her friends, a neighbor’s Yorkshire terrier came charging down the path at her, and bit her hard. Carol didn’t think twice about how to respond. She picked her up and bit her back. No matter how many times I’ve heard it, I whoop when she tells me how totally shocked the little dog was. As you can imagine, that bitch never bit her again.

Bullies sure do come in all kinds of packages.

A bully can be an adorable Yorkie with a velveteen bow. A bully can be handsome, beautiful, rich, glamorous or more typically, feign a great approximation. This is so that you can later slam your head against the wall while asking yourself, “What the hell did I see in them?” A bully might be your neighbor, your mother-in-law, your business partner, your new best friend. Bullies may be do-gooding, world-saving, tree-hugging, down-and-out-helping, soup-ladling. A friend of mine knows a woman whose mother is a famous self-help guru. The woman herself is a psychotherapist; after many years in therapy she decided she might as well practice it. The reason she spent so many years in therapy is because her famous self-help guru mother hit her all the time.

Forget the bow. Ignore packaging, proceed to contents. Here’s how you know a bully: they bite.

Have you been bullied? I have – more than once, if you count having to live with roommates, and then there’s the one for the ages. My bully, my friend. She really had it all: money, warts, and herpes. I watched my bully cut every friend out of her life in the short time I had the misfortune of knowing her. Of course then it seemed an eternity, or at least a semester. I could have sworn she had made a list of everyone she knew, and one day decided to work her way down it, with the goal of leaving behind as much ruin and destruction to impress me as possible. When she severed ties with her best friend – who was terrified of her – over an argument about pleats on skirts, I reckoned my neck was up next. It was. Where I had once existed on a pedestal, I was now a bunion on the vamp of her progress, a sea urchin in the waters of her expression. Simply showing up to my life each morning caused her suffering. Couldn’t I wash my car more often? Couldn’t I change my ring tone? Did it matter if I had feelings and hopes and dreams or a separate different definitely provable-by-science autonomous existence apart from hers?

Faced with the inevitable path before me, I armed myself with psychology books from more than one trip to Barnes & Noble and consulted my people. Soon enough, having exhausted her supply of other people to chew on, she started biting me. Because I had prepared, I was able to walk away in a move that left her spluttering – I bit back – but what if she’d been my boss? Oh, that’s right, she was.

Who on earth are these people? Tina Fey called them Mean Girls, and they are everywhere, no matter how grown up we get. Naively, I had approached my very first bully with the plucky optimism of a community fundraiser. Soon, she needed me and my reliable niceness, and when you get to that point it’s a short trip to toast. I was but the earnest wheat germ, she, the flaring toaster.

Public service moment: Awareness of bullying has increased in recent years as our society has become more comfortable with acknowledging how bullying can be devastating, potentially scarring us for life. If you have a child who is being bullied, or if you yourself are in a situation you cannot get out of, or if the bullying has become abusive, this is not the best article for you. You should seek professional help now. The good news is that there is recourse in many cases; in fact, some states, such as Massachusetts, have even outlawed bullying. The trouble with bullying, though, is that as adults we can’t drag our bullies to the principal’s office.

How are we supposed to be women of principle and planet when we’ve got a yipping Yorkie on our butts? Easy. Really. When it comes to dealing with the garden variety mean girl, you do not need to read Sun Tzu. You do not need to possess Machiavellian insight. You do not even need to read every single one of the books I read (although please don’t tell the authors I said that). Here’s what you do need to know about your female bully:

1. Learn your bully. It won’t be hard. First, know that she is not well. She is really miserable. We are not talking about your friend with her flaws who lashed out that one time because her boyfriend dumped her. We are not talking about your bossy boss or your crazy client. We are talking core unwell, status Mother Mary. If you are sensitive to others, it can be easy to focus on their flaws, but remember that most people are basically good and decent, with occasional blips of stupid behavior. Learn to differentiate dramatic blips from toxic patterns.

2. But dear God, don’t be fascinated by her. If you’re a forensic dork like me, by all means, read twelve or twenty books on bullying. Google your heart out. But don’t get so sucked in to her neurosis or pathology that you fall for your bully. Bullies are really rather empty save for their pain, which is why they are unhappy, which is why they lash out. Translation: they aren’t that interesting. They have very little capacity for self-awareness. Oh, they may know they are mean and nasty – and she will probably even brag about it – but think about it. Since they’re rocking it so hard, it must be all they have. Your bully is but a vapid inedible puffball of mean, stuck on Repeat.

3. Find some compassion. I’m serious: she is miserable. I know it is very hard when someone is targeting you – hurting your business, or your good name, or just you – and really, really hard if you must spend a lot of time with this woman or if she pays your bills, but remember that she is miserable. If you can muster even the tiniest bit of compassion for her – and I am talking corn kernel – it will help you feel relief. Comfort. Happiness. Security. Acceptance. Warmth. Love. Have you experienced these things? Your bully hasn’t, at least not nearly enough to function. Happy people who feel safe and loved do not actively bother with controlling and hurting others. They just function.

4. But show no mercy. Compassion is essential to coping, and it’s also just good karma. But it’s for you, not her. Don’t feel compelled to help, mentor, teach or love her and by doing so, become complicit in your own abuse. She is not your case. She is not your concern. If you’re forced to engage with her for professional reasons or personal commitments, keep it as light and brief as possible, and don’t ever reach out to her in a spur of generosity. Forgiveness does not require masochism. No drunk texting your bully, baby.

5. Understand that she operates on one channel: hers. And it’s boring. You may seriously wonder if she has Asperger’s, or start to think that she has a hearing problem. How could anyone be so derivative, grandiose and obtuse? A bully could. Learn the traits of narcissism; the fat red flag is contempt, but there are eight more signs. Bullying is the calling card of the narcissist. Narcissists are self-absorbed to the point that they don’t recognize others as individuals with their own needs, and I am not talking about your cat. They’re both shallow and self-obsessed, but at least the cat doesn’t bite.

6. Love the one you’re with? Never. If you’re skilled at pacifying, whether from growing up with an abusive or addicted parent or managing child actors, you’re particularly at risk for doing this. Don’t try to be “the one” that your bully adores while everyone else gets the mean treatment. Eventually, your bully will turn on you, and it will hurt.

7. Walk away. Did you consider this? If the thought of never seeing your bully again gives you more joy than the thought of a bathtub full of calorie-free sea-salt and caramel chocolate truffles dipped in lottery tickets, fame, a flat stomach and true love, it’s time to walk away. We can get so wrapped up in our bullies and their bad behavior, we forget that just a few short months or years ago, we were living the charmed life free of Cruella. Just imagine: You can live that life again. Unless it’s your married mate or your boss, you can walk away fairly quickly and easily. Really. I promise. I know, you’re saying “But I just can’t, you don’t understand!” I do. Walk away. You will not die and you will not get sued. (And if you really fear for your life, see the above note about getting professional help.) Bullies can be smart; they can even be right. But they are never entitled to bite.

8. What a keeper! Here’s the other thing about bullies: they almost always come back. That’s because as narcissists, they have terrible memories in every sense – terrible in a way that thrills with its occasional laser focus, and terrible in a way that infuriates with its amnesiac spin. You can bite back, walk away, avoid, or simply suffer in silence, and they will always test the fences. Keep her on a short leash lest she keep you.

9. Pretend she is spectacularly stupid. Treat your bully as if she is at least a full quadrant on the IQ chart below Larry in Dumb and Dumber. We can spend infinite mind time asking “Why me? Why that? Why would she?” This is a waste of your energy. You are dealing with the emotional and intellectual equivalent of an office chair. Bullies often don’t know their bad behavior is bad, so don’t assume they know. The reason they’ve gotten so far in life behaving this way is because they’ve encountered a whole lot of people like you – that is, sane, normal folk – who all think “No one could possibly do this on purpose! Why me? Why that? Why would she?” Nice can get you a long way, but spice can get you further. So, when your bully lashes out, call it with confidence. Don’t be hostile; simply state that you recognize this behavior as aggressive and inappropriate, and you will not tolerate it because you don’t like to be treated that way. You’re not on a committee with her; this is not a review-the-behavior democracy. You are in charge, you define, you speak up, and that’s final. It’s so easy after you do it once, you’ll be annoyed that you didn’t do it sooner. It really works. Don’t yell, don’t coddle, don’t back down. Just express, and then shut up. Your bully will react in three ways: she will suddenly find a fascinating hole in the floor into which to crawl; she will erupt in screams and tears (don’t hug her), or she will act like you didn’t say a thing. But at least for that day, she will stop.

10. Don’t bite back too hard. A mean girl is really more bark than bite. Think about it: when someone is playing an abusive mind game with you, it only works if you participate. Bullying requires you to play the game, too. If you walk away, or take off the gear, neither one of you can play anymore. Seth Godin said it best: “Drop the ball.” (I wish I could find the permalink; if you do, tell me.) Realize that your bully is really quite weak – this is a little girl throwing a tantrum, not Maleficent directing the ozone layer. Walking away is shock enough to the bully, who has the emotional fortitude of a Yorkie. You’re just a shape or a shadow in her picture postcard world, so disrupting the mirage and stepping out of the frame is going to be deeply terrifying to her. Despite your overwhelming desire (believe me, I know), avoid layin’ it on thick with added helpings of vitriol or vengeance.

And good luck. There are so many nice girls, there’s just no time for mean. Find your true friends and together, you can do a lot, including calling off the dog or, when necessary, biting back.

P.S. My good friend Carol who bit the dog back is my mother. Thanks, Mom.

This is the latest installment in your editor’s column, The Insider’s Guide to Life, exploring topics such as media, culture, sex, politics, and anything else. Cheers and spellcheck!

Image: djg0333

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Nope, not like in the innocent ’50s and ’60s when the biggest thing to fear was the Boogie Man and The Blob. Not even like the ’70s, when middle class parents let their brood stay out on bikes in the ‘burbs until dark.

But was it really safer back then? If you buy into recent statistics, kids are actually as safe or safer now. A recent study by CCRC (Crimes Against Children Research Center) tells us sexual assault, bullying and other violence against children went down substantially between 2003 and 2008. Crime against grown ups is down too, although no one is quite sure why. Though experts are baffled and cannot put a finger on it, they can assert that media coverage is distorting our reality.

News programming must fill time. Thus, the media has a feeding frenzy with random acts of horror – Columbine bully revenge, abuse cases, molestation, neglect and the recent Tuscon, Arizona shooting spree that killed six people, including 9-year-old Christina-Taylor Green. As someone who has worked for a 24-hour news network, I can tell you the goal is brainstorming as many angles as possible.

The images we are bombarded with create a chilling effect, aptly addressed in the book Free- Range Kids by syndicated columnist, Lenore Skenazy. She preaches that walking kids home from bus stops and forcing them indoors out of fear of imminent stranger danger is not only harmful to their psyches but does nothing to protect them from the most common offenders – people the kids know and trust. Instead of draconian sex offender registries, she says we are ahead of the game when we train children to protect themselves.

“David Finkelhor, the head of CCRC, reminds us that by constantly focusing on strangers, we are looking in the wrong direction,” Skenazy tells me. “If you want to keep kids safe, teach them starting at age three to discern good and bad touches, that they don’t have to do something an adult says if it feels weird or creepy, and that you won’t be mad if they tell you that something happened.”

Skenazy shared in her book about letting her own 10-year-old ride the Long Island Rail by himself, and took flack from observers like Dr. Laura – the same kind of bad mommy flack Ayelet Waldman took for confessing she loved her husband more than her kids, or Amy Chua for her recent Tiger Mom tales of raising highly restricted yet successful Chinese kids. But Skenazy sticks to her guns, insisting the crime rate today is equal to what it was back in 1970 and it is a bigger danger to strip children of freedom to roam the range.

“If you were a child in the ’70s or the ’80s and were allowed to go visit your friend down the block, or ride your bike to the library, or play in the park without your parents accompanying you, your children are no less safe than you were,” she says. “But it feels so completely different, and we’re told that it’s completely different, and frankly, when I tell people that it’s the same, nobody believes me. We’re living in really safe times, and it’s hard to believe.”

So hard to believe, the author and blogger says her book isn’t selling as well as one that might hype stranger danger and the abductions and killings that might result. In terms of hyping, she points to the recent boom in baby snatching hysteria over the hospital crime involving a North Carolina woman who turned herself in after taking a baby from a New York hospital more than two decades ago.

“Now there are specials on television telling us how to protect ourselves from this terrible fate and what galls me is the fact some four million babies are born in hospitals and one is taken, so the tips they are giving us are erroneous,” complains Skenazy. “CNN keeps harping on the fact babies are usually taken when mothers are in the bathroom, but there is no usually. As a result, new mothers – no matter how tired or weak they are – must grab the baby into the bathroom, otherwise they are not being a good mom and protecting their child.”

The safeguarding now extends to the internet which is considered by many to be the most threatening modern day crime spot for minors, one that literally brings pornographers and predators into our homes. Schools too, try to take a bite out of slime by offering internet safety as part of parent education, reacting to programs like the Today Show which told us danger lurks just click away.

Does it mean the filters we install just aren’t working, or is it that, just as in the mall or at the bus stop, kids must be taught how to ignore the weirdos who cross their path?

“With increased access to and depth of the virtual world, the potential dangers change rather than getting simply safer or not,” points out David Abusch-Magder, head of Middle School at Brandeis Hillel Day School in San Francisco. “No one is going to get run over by a computer or shot by a stray bullet coming from the computer, so it’s really about educating and working with students to build a common vocabulary to understand the dangers and to monitor their use.”

Skenazy insists the web is just another avenue used by society to make children deathly afraid of all strangers, while the reality is the web is no different from other public places where informed kids should know how to avoid being taken in by someone they don’t know.

“Studies show the places kids are in danger on the web are the equivalent of the red light districts in real life, sexually oriented chat rooms and you are putting yourself in a comprising place by going there,” says Skenazy. “Just X out or ignore the freaks. I tell my kids the same things as in real life -you can talk to people but you can’t go with anyone you meet; you can give someone directions but you never go with them in their car.”

Our kids are also in danger when they ride with us in our cars – in fact, car crashes are the number one way kids are killed in the United States. But as Skenazy points out, we don’t go through paroxysms of self doubt when we drive them to the dentist.

“The fear becomes a template of all of our parenting,” she says. “The danger may be remote but we are bad parents, incredibly negligent if now protecting them every second of the day. That is what makes us crazy about letting our kids do anything.”

In fact, the Blessing of the Skinned Knee theory argues not coddling kids and giving them more freedom early on allows them to function once they flee the nest, something past generations enjoyed much more than our own children. There will always be crime but we can believe the statistics on random incidents of violence and overcome our template of fear. By doing so, our kids might be able to tell their own children stories about hanging out at the neighborhood park and riding bikes until dark.

Images: Cia de Foto, Jezblog

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I love Star Wars. It was the first movie I ever saw as a kid, and I watched it from the back of my parent’s station wagon at the drive-in theatre while draped over a seat. I was around five years old and so young that I didn’t understand how they shrunk Princess Leia down to her hologram size. What I wasn’t confused about was how totally, completely, and amazingly awesome I thought the light sabers were. This made me a girl who liked a boy thing.

But my love for Star Wars just kept growing. By the time The Empire Strikes Back rolled around, I was in love with Yoda’s ability to lift an X-Wing Fighter from a swamp. When Return of the Jedi came calling, I was smitten with Han Solo. (I was also crazy into the Ewoks – in my defense, I was an 11-year-old girl, apparently Lucas’ target audience for the third film.) But did anyone know this? Outside of the Princess Leia doll sitting in my Barbie Dream House – not really. I have a younger brother rich in Star Wars toys, so I just played with his and didn’t talk action figures at school.

So with a male imprint of “Han Solo Equals All Things Dreamy” firmly implanted in my brain, my love of a galaxy far, far away carried into my teen years. It was lurking just beneath the surface, flickering like a light saber every time I heard a John Williams-style trumpet or saw a roguish dark-haired dude with a crooked smile. I’d still declare my love of Star Wars to anyone who would listen. But it was always defiantly, with a “Mock me and I’ll call you a stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder.” Why? Because girls weren’t supposed to like Star Wars.

Now I won’t stop talking all things Lucas to anyone who lends an unlucky ear, but I’m closer in age to Mon Motha than Princess Leia. So when I heard about seven-year old Katie Goldman, who was recently mocked for bringing a Star Wars water bottle for school, my inner Ewok rose up in outrage. CNN picked up the story of young Goldman, who was teased by her friends at school for carrying something meant for boys. Katie begged her mother, Carrie Goldman, to change her Star Wars water bottle for a pink one. The senior Goldman took to her blog to decry the gender stereotyping inflicted on her daughter.

And as CNN reports, the Internet struck back. Goldman’s blog exploded with stories of people sharing their own bullying stories. Around 1,200 people left message of support. Others sent in Star Wars gifts, many of which Katie plans to redistribute to needy children. Katie’s school hosted “Proud To Be Me” day in honor of Katie on December 10th, where children were encouraged to come to school dressed as their favorite thing. Katie’s story had a happy ending and a lesson learned. May the force be with you, Katie!

But if Katie had been a boy wanting to do a “girl thing,” would the reception have been so positive? A friend who taught elementary school shared this story: “I once had an Opposite Day party and some of the boys had a blast dressing up as girls, and the girls all loved being boys. But one family was adamant that their son not dress like a girl – but they happily sent their daughter dressed as a boy.” Why is it so scary for some people that a boy would want to do a girl thing?

This past Halloween, the Internet went berserk over blog written by another concerned mother, this one entitled “My Son Is Gay.” It featured a smiling five-year-old boy called “Boo” dressed in his Daphne from Scooby Doo Halloween costume. In this blog, Concerned Mother pointed out how other mothers seemed to pile on with false concern that her child would be mocked for dressing like a girl, and that a Daphne costume would “make” her son gay. To which Concerned Mother replied, “[My job] is not to dictate what is ‘normal’ and what is not, but to help him become a good person.”

What do the stories of Katie and Boo tell us? That gender stereotypes haven’t changed so much since mini-Princess Leia first flashed across a drive-in movie screen. But it seems that awareness around these stereotypes has. And as long as there is a forum to post discussions over stereotypes, perhaps we can continue to chip away at them. Sure, some boys will always want to play with trucks and some girls will always want to be pretty princesses. Luckily, there’s always a light saber or a red-haired wig waiting for everyone else in between.

My cake toppers at my recent wedding.

Main image: Amidala Photo

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