Okay, BuzzFeed. We know. You like to make fun of everything. Especially the vagina. But are these men being serious? Do they really not know how female anatomy works? If this is really the case, that guy’s “Jurassic Park” t-shirt is like, predicting the fate of the human species. Ladies, please sit down with the men in your lives. Help them not be so embarrassingly clueless…do it for our future.

Find Jill (but not her vagina) on Twitter @jillettinger

Related on EcoSalon

That Happened: DOMA, Wendy Davis, Voters’ Rights and Vaginas

10 Songs To Help You Pull Your Baby From Your Vagina Like Kourtney Kardashian

All Together Now…’VAGINA’

The post Men Do Not Know How the Vagina Works! Seriously, Someone Help These Pathetic People [Video] appeared first on EcoSalon.

A recent New York Times article by Lori Gottlieb, the woman who wrote “Marry Him: The Case For Settling for Mr. Good Enough” (I know – we probably shouldn’t be listening to her) got my knickers in a twist. In a piece called, “Does a More Equal Marriage Equal Less Sex?” she trots out statistics that conflate domestic duties and the health of couples’ sex lives. Once again, female sexuality is confused with the deeply misogynistic history of marriage. 

The premise is that partnerships in which men and women do equal amounts of housework are bad for the bedroom. The sheets may be clean and the rug vacuumed, but no one is throwing down on them and making them dirty again, because men doing chores is apparently not sexy. She’s essentially saying that heterosexuals are wired to do things the way we have since time immemorial. (Yet failing to mention that marriage, that vaunted institution, was originally an arrangement in which women were purchased by men as property.)

She calls it “gender differentiation.” I grant that in heterosexual partnerships, the things that make us different can be the sexiest things of all. But the studies she cites, and the conclusions she comes to, are straight out of some kind of 1950’s guide to getting it on.

Women in the kitchen, men at work. Those “Mad Men” standards are what make for the sexiest sexy times, according to Gottlieb. Yes, because Joan, Peggy, and Betty just had it so good back then. Women just want men to be men! Because being men means being a dick about sharing the workload, sitting on the couch with a cigar, and probably also cheating. Since he’s coming home and taking care of us and the kids, financially — it’s cool, right?

In that vein, I’m calling BULLSHIT IN ALL CAPS.

Our marriages are more equal now, thank god. That’s progress. Women have flooded into the workplace since the seventies, but it’s only in the last ten years or so that men have begun bucking up and picking up after themselves. Instead of women doing 100 percent of the work (in the workplace and at home) men are now participating, and we like it like that. Except, Gottlieb suggests, this is why the marrieds aren’t having enough sex. Essentially, like everything else, it’s the ladies’ fault.

It’s not that equality kills libido, it’s that boredom does – for women. If Ms. Gottlieb had bothered to look at the reams of research about women’s sexuality from the last few years, perhaps she would have been introduced to a few theories that could have expanded her worldview. Daniel Bergner’s exploration of women’s sexuality in “What Do Women Want? Adventures in the Science of Female Desire” – a rather slim volume – is rife with information about women’s libido. I think it would have taught her a lot. Namely, that women are likelier to get bored with their partners than men, that we need novelty, that after a few years, it’s hard for us to get it up with the same guy over and over again. That monogamy isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and forcing ourselves into its strictures can thwart our desires.

The research in Bergner’s book and others like “Sex at Dawn” have shown us that tired tropes of evolutionary psychology are projections of a culture of inequality – not facts. There is a growing body of literature built around breaking down the misogynist assumptions about sex and relationships – but we clearly have more work to do when the Times regularly prints articles like Gottlieb’s.

If your guy does his share of the work at home, yet you’re no longer feeling like a nightly boink is necessary — don’t assume it’s because he’s been emasculated by the vacuum he’s holding. It may be because you’ve been together more than three years — the magic number for when sexual desire begins to wane for women. It may be parenthood — the number one boner-killer (utter exhaustion is a pretty good excuse for rolling over instead of rolling on top of your lover). If you believe in staying in your relationship for the long haul, there are many ways to improve your sex life. Role playing, toys, mutual masturbation, Orgasmic Meditation, watching porn together, sharing fantasies, having date nights — the possibilities are endless.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie at ecosalon dot com and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

Related on EcoSalon

Do you Demand Pleasure Parity?

Can You Really Be “Good” At Sex?

9  Natural Ways To Spice Up Your Sex Life

 image: sport suburban

The post The Times Dusts Off Tired Tropes About Female Sexuality (Again): Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnWhy is slut-shaming the default stance when it comes to women and sexual assault?

[Editor’s note: Libby Lowe, our usual ‘That Happened’ columnist is out this week, so this post comes to us from writer Heather Kenny.]

Last week the internet was in an uproar about a story by a popular advice columnist at Slate, written in response to several incidents involving women and girls who were sexually assaulted at gatherings where they had been drinking. The author offered the seemingly sensible recommendation that women avoid getting blotto drunk to minimize their chances of being victims of sexual assault, advice that is in fact a type of slut-shaming.

The article’s point of view mimics that of society: the burden of safety is put on girls and women while barely mentioning the fact that men who sexually assault women are criminals–whether their victims are drunk or not. Instead of holding men responsible for their ghastly behavior, women are told to regulate theirs.

Whatever your opinion on this type of slut-shaming, there is little doubt that it reinforces the status quo, in which women are forced into a defensive stance when it comes to their sexuality. The messages are heavy on warnings: “Don’t get yourself into situations where you could be taken advantage of. Don’t walk by yourself at night. Look sexy, but not so sexy that you attract the wrong type of attention. Don’t trust boys to know when to stop.” In short, don’t ever make a mistake, or the consequences may be dire, and we’ll blame you for them.

We live in a society where the default setting for discussions about girls’ growing sexuality is fear and worry. Even scarier is that we’ve come to think of this slut-shaming as normal, even righteous.

What we forget is the potential negative effect of these slut-shaming messages on female sexual development.  People don’t exit adolescence and magically transform into fully developed sexual creatures with the understanding and confidence to successfully pursue their desires in respectful and mutually pleasurable ways. It takes learning and practice, especially for women, whose mechanisms of sexual pleasure remain somewhat mysterious even after decades of study. And learning and practice inevitably involve mistakes, which may include getting involved with or trusting the wrong person.

When the stakes are so high, as they are for women, it’s only natural for them to avoid anything they perceive as a risk—even those that may ultimately prove to be important and valuable learning experiences. Sex can be an ambiguous realm, after all.

This kind of negative, defensive conditioning can have physical repercussions as well. It’s hard for the body to shake off years of conscious and subconscious training from the brain. (Not to mention the effect of unrealistic images of female beauty and sexual response disseminated in advertising and pornography.) It’s tough to get turned on and fully enjoy yourself when you’ve been taught to always be on your guard.

Perhaps the reason so many women in their 30s and 40s experience a flowering of their sexuality is because they finally have the confidence to mentally throw off the slut-shaming messages and expectations forced on them. That’s wonderful, of course, but should it potentially take decades of sexual experience for that to happen?

It would be nice if we could take a more proactive and supportive stance toward women and sexual violence and encourage both men and women to help stop it. Maybe that’s a lot to ask for. But it wasn’t so long ago that people couldn’t imagine a black president or gay people legally being able to marry in their lifetimes.

Society can change its attitude about sexual violence to women, which goes hand-in-hand with our views of female sexuality and empowerment. But it’s going to take more than just repeating the same tired messages to women. It’s time to change the narrative in men’s minds, not ours.

Related on EcoSalon:

10 Ways The World Still Tries To Rule Women’s Bodies

Miley’s Twerk: That Happened

The Maryville Rape: That Happened

Image: cecooper

The post Slut-Shaming Is The Status Quo: That Happened appeared first on EcoSalon.

Female sexuality is still a concept some men can’t grasp (particularly if they’re Republicans and from Texas). But for those of us with vaginas, we know it exists. Still, are we falling into male-dictated roles when it comes to female sexuality and sex positions in particular?

So, there you are, in the bedroom. You could be with a lover (new or old), a husband, with another woman, or even several people. Are you feeling liberated in your sexuality? Are you embracing sex positions that bring you pleasure no matter how you may look or sound? Or are you still doing your best doggy-style porn position? (Not that doggy style can’t be fun.)

We so easily get caught up in the perceived expectations our (male) partners (surely) have. Men are not totally at fault, of course (I’m looking at you beer commercials and internet porn). But they sure don’t reject the devices common in our culture that have come to define female sexuality. (Dave Chappelle brilliantly sums it up in under two minutes.)

But how is that empowering us, ladies?

Just like we fall into traps when it comes to attracting lovers, we also fall into traps when it comes to sex itself. We worry about body image (are my boobs going to look weird if I’m laying on my back?). We worry about appearing as Victoria’s Secret as possible (please, ladies, enough with the Brazilian waxing already). Do we emulate porn stars rather than do what feels really good for us?

If you need a little variety to feel liberated, try on some of these sex positions and see if it doesn’t help to redefine your sexuality…or at least, make it a bit more fun. Keep in mind there are hundreds of sex positions and variations…and we aren’t even going into oral sex here, either. These are some of the best of the bunch, in no particular order or rank.

1. Missionary: You’re probably thinking this can’t be empowering, right? But let’s have another look. First and foremost, it’s easy, and gets you face-to-face with your lover. It feels good typically for men and women, and there are variables. The woman can do most of the work by lifting her behind off the bed and thrusting the man. He can put his thighs outside of hers increasing clitoral stimulation, and the couple can easily kiss and touch in this position, making it a more erotic experience.

2. The erotic V: The woman is seated on the edge of a table at a height that allows the man to penetrate while he’s standing up. Her legs are up on his shoulders. The woman can also wrap her legs around her mate, and if he’s strong enough, he can even lift her up for a truly orgasmic experience.

3. Rocking Horse: Many women are afraid of or embarrassed by being on top of the man, but it can be one of the best feeling positions for women. In the rocking horse, the woman is on top of the man, who  is seated with his legs crossed and back supported so both man and woman are at an angle upwards. Her legs can be wrapped around his torso or extended out along the side of him.

4. Splitting Bamboo: The woman lies on her back lifting one leg over her partners’ shoulder. He sits on his knees and enters the woman. This gives both a free hand or two for touching and clitoral stimulation.

5. The Crouching Tiger: The man lays on his back at the edge of the bed with legs over the side. The woman climbs on facing away from the man with his hands under her buttocks and her legs in a crouching position on top of or outside of his. She’s able to control the pace and depth of penetration as well as use her hands on her body and his for increased pleasure.

6. The Glowing Juniper: For the romantics. The man sits with legs outstretched. The woman, facing the man, lays back on his legs with her legs around his waist. He supports her back and sides with his hands, and if he’s flexible enough, can bend over to kiss her on the stomach.

7. Kneeling: Both man and woman sit on their knees face to face with her legs around his. He will have to bend slightly to penetrate her, but the woman does the work so the man supports her back as she controls speed and depth.

8. The Amazon: The man sits on a low, sturdy chair. The woman sits on top so that her legs touch the ground. She controls the pace. She can sit facing or away from the man.

9. The Curl Up: Think of this as Doggy-style laying down on your side. It’s spooning with a lil’ something extra. The woman lays on her side, curling her legs up. The man positions himself behind her, mirroring her pose and then she wraps her legs outside of his so that he can enter.

Related stories

25 Inspirational Quotes on the Power of Women

Can a New Outlook on Sex Save the World?

Keep in touch with Jill on Twitter @jillettinger

Image: lotus carroll

The post The 9 Most Empowering Sex Positions for Women: Female Sexuality Remixed appeared first on EcoSalon.