ColumnWe all enjoy getting what we want, and certain methods are considerably more effective than others.

The ineluctable power of flirtation is one of the most invaluable tools in your social arsenal. I am incredibly effective at it, and apply my methods to all manner of human discourse – from girls with whom I have lifelong friendships to my insatiably sunny sister, from my myriad colleagues to my lovers (prospective and otherwise). Flirting, however, has a bad rap, and that’s unfortunate. The term typically connotes insincerity and a lack of humility. It is more often regarded as a deceitful device for extracting what you want from another person than a gift, and to label somebody as such – a flirt – is a dismissive epithet rather than a compliment. I am here to reclaim the fine art of flirting as a practice based as much on mutuality and trust as it is cunning and craft. This week’s Sex by Numbers is an examination of five tools for making the magic happen.

Bring It & Mean It

People are so often lost in negative internal monologues by which they compare themselves to others, engage in self-defeating self-reflection, and feel as if nobody really gives a damn. It’s your job – and perhaps even obligation – to burst their bedraggled bubble and remind them that they matter. We are all small, scared animals with the tragic-comic weight of the world on our shoulders. Flirting, when approached humanely and with compassion, serves as a useful reminder to another person: I see you, I like what I see, you bring something to the world that that is singularly unique, I thank you for it.

Highlight the Hot Shit

See something that you adore and admire in another person? Make sure that in no uncertain terms that they are aware of it. Based on your accumulated knowledge of somebody else, take a moment to reveal to them themselves – in their very best light. Consider, for instance, a co-worker who you almost can’t stand. Step back a minute. What aspect, however small, of their character turns you on? Maybe all you can spot is their ability to brew a good pot of coffee when they arrive at the office every morning. Tell them, by god, that they make a mean cup of joe. The compliment can endow a morning ritual that they might consider tedious or overlooked into an aspect of their day that is suddenly rich with meaning and allows them to experience a heightened sense of connection with their peers. A kind word can affect a world of good.

Be a Peacemaker and Bridge Builder

Nobody likes complainers or trouble-makers. They instead prefer people who can elevate the level of good cheer and positive energy in the room. Make yourself a valued member of the group by facilitating an abiding sense of solidarity and ease among others. Help people foster friendships with others, set an example for how people should treat one another, and generally be a guiding light in all of your affairs to cultivate intimacy and togetherness among a gathered crowd of acquaintances. Your enthusiasm, intellectual energy, and emotional stability can establish a tone that acknowledges how important everybody’s contributions are to the overall sense of joy and belonging that permeates a social space. It has the added advantage of making you invaluable.

Eye Contact and Body Talk

People need to see and be seen. It’s why we gather in bars after work and dance clubs on the weekends. It’s why we compulsively update our Facebook statuses and tag friends in pictures. It’s why we don’t avert our gaze from that tall, mustachioed man on the other side of the room. It reminds us that we exist and reinforces our participation in a milieu much greater than ourselves. And, since this is what people need, give it to them. In short, treat people how they would like to be treated. Like the looks of the guy walking toward you along the sidewalk? Good. Register your attraction by making eye contact and even offering a smile. Notice somebody noticing you while you’re checking out the art at a gallery exhibition opening party? Perfect. Approach him and ask what he thinks about how the curators hung the paintings – really, any pretext will do. And since you’re not being shy about looking him in the eye, further your impact by briefly allowing your eyes rove across his chest and arms. Why not? If you appreciate something, be bold. The worst that can happen is that nothing becomes of your overtures, and even with that you’ve lost nothing at all.

Killer Confidence

The advice is trite but true:  Confidence is crucial for getting what you want, both professionally and personally. Confidence isn’t an affectation, but rather a manifestation of love for oneself and others. It’s empowering and emboldening to make others feel good about themselves, and flirting – as described here – might very well be the key to forging some confidence of your own. We all get caught up in cycles of behavior that shape what we think of ourselves and determine who we will become. Perhaps flirting (conscientiously and mindfully) might be the panacea for us all. Go on and give it a go.

Sex By Numbers is an ongoing look into the emotional and sexual lives of the modern day woman. Follow Abigail Wick weekly here for insight and inspiration as she explores the “sex” of women and the terrain they must travel.

Article Images: Cia de Foto, Author Image: Alina Rudya

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Rather than raise our voices, we girls at EcoSalon prefer to write about it, because if you need to scream, my guess is you aren’t so certain what you have to say is worth hearing.

And really, who wants to hear a grown woman roar?

In the past few months at EcoSalon, women have taken center stage with subjects ranging from brazen to, well, more brazen. If only we could change the world with our steadfast, unwavering commitment to talking about what matters.

Oh yeah, we are.

So what have we been discussing lately with regards to women? The question should be, what haven’t we?

We talked about getting older – why welcoming 30 and reaching for 40 with gusto is a reason to celebrate. Although with age comes the need to decide short versus long…hair, that is.

Is there ever a good time to talk about infertility? But we did. Then we tossed around the wild proposition that we don’t need a baby to feel happy and fulfilled. The horror! Which brings us to contraception and the dirty, sexy pill.

While we’re on the subject of sex, we want our cake, and to eat it too. I mean, why should we have to choose?

Speaking of choices, why are being pretty and smart mutually exclusive? We can have it all! Right?

Wrong. It’s time to face the cold, hard truth. Our fantasy lover is not showing up to sweep us off our feet, because he doesn’t exist. Reality checks can be so annoying.

And so is the office flirt who makes her way to the top using her sexy. But it seems she’ll pay the price once she gets there.

Sticks and stones – but names can be controversial. Gal, chick, girl, lady or ma’m? You decide.

And finally, it’s a relief to know that there are at least nine things we don’t need in order to be happy, and that after all this talk, a little silence and a good book can be a girl’s best friend.

Images: squacco, sleepishly, Vivian Chen, quinn.anya, Samdogs

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Are you the office flirt? You may soon be running the company. Or you’ll just be the office flirt “no one takes seriously.” Head exploded yet? Read on. Recent research suggests that women may want to consider working within their stereotypes of femininity to achieve successful negotiations in the workplace. As Fast Company reports, according to researchers, “Women [in the work force] may be perceived as competent but unlikable or as likable but incompetent” if they step outside of perceived gender stereotypes. This puts them in a bind that “exists because there are very strong female stereotypes in our culture.” Women who violate gender stereotypes often incur a negative social consequence.

The research is detailed in a study by Catherine Tinsely, Sandra Chedlein, Andrea Schnieder, and Emily Amanutallah, entitled “Women at the Bargaining Table: Pitfalls and Prospects.” The researchers’ argument is that women in the workplace should understand already established gender stereotypes or avoid them completely. Women who flirt are perceived as more likable. But be careful. According to the researchers, flirting may also “diminish [a woman’s] perceived trustworthiness.”

The research did not stand in a workplace situation where “resources were abundant,” as it seems that threats can re-establish social stereotypes. They also did not come into play when the boss was a woman. Navigating the formidable roads of business is tough, and there’s no doubt that it can be tougher for women. Certainly, you are a ball buster or a bitch for being aggressive while a man displaying this trait is considered tough or driven.

Some might argue that the solution is to somehow femme it up by flirting. Which we think is faulty logic – it’s too perilous a path. Won’t flirting at work just get you labeled, well, a flirt? Do we really want to manipulate the world and/or workforce based on coquettish glances? Further, one can’t help but think how this method of negotiation will apply to women of a certain age. Do we send Hillary Clinton or Jessica Alba to talk to Kim Jong-il?

The researchers are right to bring attention to the gender stereotypes that exist in the workplace and the double-edged sword women face while operating within them. But that doesn’t mean they should. If a woman is going to flirt her way past the glass ceiling, she’s most likely setting herself up for some major ball-busting once she gets there. And, as the study itself points out, she’s possibly setting herself up to be perceived as deceptive.

So what’s the solution? As one commenter on the study noted, “Let’s allow ability, skill, leadership qualities (and yes including tenacity, intelligence, wit and charm) help us decide who we might promote to what positions in our businesses.” Or as a friend pointed out, “just be ourselves [in the work place], because you can never control everyone’s opinion of you, and if someone can’t see your goodness or integrity, it’s their loss!”

Photo Courtesy of AMCTV

The post Pitfalls and Prospects: Making a Case for the Office Flirt appeared first on EcoSalon.