The Fourth of July is this coming weekend, and while many people will be enjoying fireworks and noshing on BBQ offerings, I will be silently judging everyone’s holiday outfits.

While every holiday has some kind of unofficial outfit (Christmas has the ugly sweaters, Easter is filled with frilly hats, and everyone gets dolled up in red on Valentine’s day), Fourth of July outfits can tend to be a bit tacky. To prove my point, I’ve rounded up 3 Fourth of July outfit ideas that everyone should stay away from.

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1. Teeny, tiny things baring the American Flag (and your ass crack)

It seems like stores stock up on anything and everything that features and American flag and is incredibly tiny this time of year. While we all can appreciate a barely-there outfit, we also have to admit that it just looks kind of weird when the American flag is used to cover nipples.

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2. Nix any outfit planned whilst ingesting a bunch of American bourbon or beer

The Fourth of July is one of the more dangerous holidays. It’s the only time that people are encouraged to light explosives on their own while ingesting a ton of booze while (and after) laying in the sun all day. So, if you decide to wear some type of silly, over-sized hat, or wrap a flag around your body as a makeshift toga, please stop and consider how much booze you’ve drank first.

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3. If it makes noise, is painted on, or is laden with phrases like ‘merica, don’t do it

While you may feel like you’re being patriotic by slathering your mug in red, white and blue face paint, you won’t feel so awesome when that paint is melting off your face into your eyes a few hours later. So, basically if Ron Swanson wouldn’t like it, leave it at home.

What types of Fourth of July outfit ideas have you had and either proceeded to wear or nix in the past? Have any photographic evidence? Share!

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