As someone who can’t tell a proton from a pronoun, I have endless admiration for the men and women who work in the fields of science. The chemists, engineers and inventors of this world all have my enthusiastic respect. I refer to them, reverentially, using the collective “they” as in “they can send a manned space ship to the Moon,” and “they can make delicious fat-free potato chips” (although not, regrettably, without the unpleasant and inconvenient side effect of “oily diarrhea.”) But given the leaps that science has made in recent years, I don’t understand why they can’t make a natural cosmetic product that doesn’t smell like old man’s feet.

Recently I went to Sephora, my local mall’s shrine to self-beautification, and conducted a completely unscientific sniff-test of anything labeled natural, organic or eco-friendly. I am sorry to report that the results on the whole were, meh. Some products smelled better than others and one or two were actually not bad at all. Well, not terrible anyway. Most of the products were labeled as “fragrance free,” but it would be more accurate to describe them as “perfume free” because many had a fragrance – just not one that was pleasing to the senses. In keeping with the scientific theory that smells evoke memory and emotion more than any other sense, some of the products turned out to be major buzzkills. There was a stick of “natural” moisturizer that gave off a mild and not-entirely unpleasant odor of eucalyptus – but it reminded me of the Noxzema that I washed with twice a day all through middle school, so the smell brought me instantly back to an era of cliques, gym suits, and social awkwardness.

A couple of other products had no discernible odor at all, which was somewhat off-putting. I’ve been programmed to expect makeup to smell festive – to evoke images of dressing up and going out. But the no-aroma items were far less offensive than some of the funkier organic products I would eventually inhale.

A tube of all-natural tinted moisturizer had an aroma that was eerily similar to my dentist’s office. Then there was an eye shadow that smelled like clay, with a top note of what appeared to be rancid fruit. I sampled a lipstick that hit me first with a strong odor of beeswax, followed up by something that smelled like the flesh of a decomposing gerbil. An aggressively “eco” mascara smelled like a tattered pair of bowling shoes I rented recently. And one entire line of earth-friendly products smelled like the chronically ill turtles I had as a child.

I wanted to respond favorably to the smell of natural cosmetics but it was hard going. On the whole, they just couldn’t compare with the memory of the Angel Face compact I remember from high school. Even now, decades later, I can summon up the light, clean, smell of that pressed powder. That fresh, delicate aroma lingers as the sense-memory of my first real date. Angel Face smelled like being out after curfew on a summer night. It smelled like slow-dancing with Jimmy Palladino in front of my house.

Of course that was long ago, before we knew how important it was to create paraben-free products in compostable packaging. I feel it is absolutely right and proper that cosmetic companies try to be more responsible in their approach to makeup. But I also feel a deep and genuine sadness for a generation of girls who, years from now, will get a whiff of roadkill on a summer breeze and think “Oh – that smells just like Prom night!”

Image: StephenCarlile

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Some of us like to wear makeup. And some of us like to wear makeup that doesn’t feel like makeup, especially the kind of makeup that gives you the “raccoon eyes after a night of crying at various sad pet movies” look. For example, I recently made the mistake of applying mascara and then watching Marley and Me. I looked like a cross between The Joker and Marilyn Manson when it was all over. Not so pretty!

And so, running mascara is one of my greatest fears. (You know, next to nuclear war and the end of cupcakes.) Why? My lineage is Whitey McWhite, so my un-mascara-ed eyelashes resemble something you might see on the Invisible Woman. I’m forced to wear it, and it almost always ends up running. The only brands that seem to actually stay on said eyelashes seem to be from the old-school makers like Maybelline. And who wants to put parabens and synthetic dyes on our eyelashes?

We tested some of the top organic and natural mascaras out there. And, neatly ranked from favorite to not-so-much, here’s what we found:

Mascara by Josie Maran

This is a fantastic mascara that darkens, lengthens and simply gets the job done. It doesn’t clump and it goes on smoothly. And best of all, it withstood the ultimate test: while wearing it, I watched the end of yet another pet tear-jerker My Dog Skip. (Have you seen this movie? Rent it immediately with plenty of recycled tissues.) My one beef with this product is that it is harder than others to remove. But just keep the organic make-up remover handy and you are fine. It isn’t 100% organic and does contain iron oxides, but the product is completely natural, being free of parabens and fragrance, plus it contains organic ingredients like jojoba oil, argan oil and beeswax.

Volume Mascara by Lavera

This product provides great coverage, length and color. And it makes some of us look like we actually have eyelashes! It doesn’t clump and it goes on smoothly. The only downside is that it runs after a few hours – but then, most mascaras do. This product is also not 100% organic, but it is completely natural. It is made with extracts of organic jojoba and wild rose oils and is free of paraben and heavy metals. It rinses off with a mild cleanser and is vegan-approved, too!

Lash Masque by Lamas

This product is not a mascara, but a “unique formula [that] darkens lashes with non-irritating color from all natural ingredients without the harsh chemicals that cause premature breakage and irritation.” Great. But does it work? Well, I was a little slow on the uptake in realizing this wasn’t a mascara, and so I walked around wearing it as such. It does darken your lashes and it does stay on. In fact, it is a good choice if you just want subtle color as it sort of acts like “mousse” for your eyelashes. It claims to be “a perfect choice for natural looking lash definition during the day.” And I would have to agree with that.  This product is paraben free and formulated with organic botanicals.

Organic Mascara by Nvey

Nvey of the fantastic, best-on-the-market-organic lipsticks doesn’t quite hit the mark with their mascara. It takes several applications to go on. Thinking I had a dry tube, I emailed the company. According to the friendly Nvey rep, “our mascara is definitely a drier formula than many of the chemically based mascaras and natural mascaras on the market. However, the pigment actually instant adheres better to the lashes without a drier effect to the actual lashes, but rather a moisturizing and conditioning formula to lengthen and strengthen the lashes.” Lesson learned: if you have thin lashes like mine, this is not the product for you. But I had a thicker-lashed friend try it out, and she liked it. So there you go. This product is free of parabens, propylene glycol and sodium laureth sulfate. It contains nettle, horsetail herb and vitamin B5.

Main image: partycja

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