TV shows and movies make breakups look so glamorous, don’t they? In reality, getting over a breakup isn’t that easy, especially minus the montage set to a hit song. I mean sure, you can throw some REM on in the background as you’re choosing between blue track pants or gray, but it’s just not the same.

Unfortunately for us, getting over a breakup takes longer than 120 minutes. Like, way longer, especially if you’re tacking your now defunct relationship onto a long string of epic fails. While it’s easy to sum up what happened using such classics as, “He’s a manchild,” or “He just doesn’t get it,” or even, “He has more hair products than I do,” an important part of getting over a breakup is taking responsibility for your part in what happened.

After comparing your most recent breakup to the ones in your past, you might find some alarming similarities in your behavior that are causing your relationships to fall apart faster than you can say, “It’s not you, it really is me.” Here’s what to do when you’re ready to put on your big girl pants and deal with your mistakes:

1. Fess up
Don’t just look at the breakup itself, but the relationship as a whole: What could you have handled differently/better? Are you having the same conflicts with different guys? If so… womp, womp.

2. Don’t obsess
Take time away from getting over a breakup and do things completely unrelated. When you relax your mind and give yourself time to breathe, insights and answers will appear all on their own.

3. Talk amongst yourselves
Create your own closure. Even though it’d be nice to turn to your ex every time you need answers, by constantly keeping in touch you’ll stall both of your healing processes. Nix contact and vent to your BFF instead – not only will you gain insight from an objective perspective, she’ll also have the guts to tell it like it is.

4. Learn why
By now, you’re over blaming others and justifying your mistakes. (Right?!) Next, dig deep and learn the underlying reasons behind your constant relationship turmoil. For example, why do you always shut down when you need to confront him about something? Or why do you fly off the handle over really little things? Once you know why, you can figure out how to combat your habits.

5. Forgive yourself
While you do rock that cape, you’re only human. Mistakes are inevitable, so there’s no sense in feeling guilty. Instead, look at the intentions behind your actions and you’ll find the person you were trying to be.

6. Claim your baggage
Open your proverbial suitcases and ditch the thoughts, feelings, and habits that are weighing down you and your relationships. Take as long as you need on this step – by the end, you only want to be carrying around about a clutch purse’s worth of issues.

7. Make a promise
Okay, so you’re familiar with your mistakes (and the fact that you’re constantly making them). The next time you get serious, promise yourself you’ll put on the brakes anytime you sense one of your red flag bad habits bubbling to the surface.

Don’t worry, grasshopper – you’ll rock your next relationship like a boss.

What were the biggest lessons you learned from getting over a breakup?

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