Trust is key to successful partnerships. But how do you build trust in a relationship, especially if you’ve been burned before?

A new relationship! On the one hand, you want to jump in with both feet. On the other, your momma didn’t raise no fool. You want to enjoy the ride, but if it turns out the person you’re trusting is actually a toad, you want to be prepared for that too – without sabotaging everything before it starts.

In a recent study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, people who are trusting are more likely to forgive their partner’s mistakes because they remember transgressions as less severe. On the flipside, those with trust issues have the opposite reaction and remember them as more severe.

According to the study’s lead author Laura B. Luchies, your psychological reality of trust in a relationship isn’t what actually happened, but a distorted memory – when you trust your partner, you assume the betrayal is a one-time thing; when you don’t, you assume it’s a pattern of bad behavior (which is a lot harder to forgive). For those trying to build trust in a relationship, this can easily turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy: the more you try to avoid something you’re fearful of – being cheated on, turning into your mother – the more likely you are to make it a reality. Sh*t.

When it comes to trust in a relationship, you get what you give. More than that, forgiveness isn’t foolish – it’s brave. Here are seven ways to build (and maintain) trust in a relationship:

1. Trust yourself.
There’s a fine line between forgiving someone and allowing them to use you, so many of us overcompensate with a tough girl routine to avoid getting hurt – and miss out on the entire ‘trust in a relationship’ experience. When going all in, trust your ability to make the right decisions for your well-being. This will put you at ease and help you feel empowered.

2. Surround yourself with trustworthy people.
I’ve seen many couples crumble not because of the lack of trust in a relationship, but because of who the couple hung out with – lazy friends, narcissistic ones, drama queens, even ex-flings (I mean, seriously?!). Surround yourself with people you both trust and feel comfortable with – building trust in a relationship is hard enough as it is!

3. Don’t keep secrets.
If you’re going out with friends, don’t say it’s an innocent slumber party. If someone hits on you at work, don’t keep it from your partner. If you’ve messed up or get in a sticky situation, your beau needs to know that he’s the one you turn to – especially if the potential backlash involves him by association. When you make him the first person to know what’s going on in your life, he’ll do the same for you.

4. Consider your relationship a separate entity.
Leave your emotional baggage at the door. What’s happened to you in your past relationships have nothing to do with the current relationship you’re in. Use this as an opportunity to set boundaries and build trust in a relationship. It may make you uncomfortable when your partner’s co-worker flirts with him, or make him uneasy when your ex texts you. Respecting each other’s boundaries shows that you’re taking your relationship seriously and that you have top billing in each other’s lives.

5. Keep your promises.
Broken promises will never build trust in a relationship. If you say you’ll call him tomorrow, call him tomorrow. If you say you’ll meet him for lunch, be there with bells on. Of course, sometimes the day can get away from us, so if something’s causing a delay, always get in touch with a back-up plan. Don’t be a flake – a little effort goes a long way.

6. Be yourself all the time.
Face it: Eventually you’re going to have to let go of the whole brush-your-teeth-and-run-back-to-bed-like-you-woke-up-with-minty-fresh-breath thing. Gradually let him into your world by showing him that you are, in fact, human. Letting go of the small things will make you feel more comfortable to reveal your bigger quirks – especially the ones you’re not willing to budge on. Trust he’ll be supportive and offer that same support in return. Trust in a relationship is a two-way street.

7. Ask him for help.
The best part of trust in a relationship is having each other’s back. If you’re going to be late getting off work, ask him to pick up dinner. If you’re having a problem with a friend, ask him for his advice. Eventually, you’ll feel comfortable relying on each other completely.

How do you build trust in a relationship?

Related on EcoSalon:

7 Relationship Tips for Fresh Ways to Spice Up Your Love Life

Cohabitation Survival Guide: 5 Habits for Healthy Relationships

Couples Therapy: Doing What You Love Builds Healthy Relationships

Image: Katie Tegtmeyer

The post Going All In: 7 Ways to Build Trust In A Relationship appeared first on EcoSalon.

Is your professional ambition leading to disconnection in your love life?

After decades of second-class citizenship, professional ambition is now at the forefront for many modern women. The mind of an ambitious woman is like having 2,743 browser windows open all the time. The average workweek sucks up 72 hours of our life, and it can be hard to let go without feeling like you’re slacking off – especially if you’re passionate about your career and thrive on the validation of success. That’s when the ambition teeter-totter starts giving you motion sickness: At work, you feel guilty about your love life, and at home you feel guilty about your career. Oy.

“Ambitious women often focus on the other aspects of their life over romance,” says Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D., bestselling author of A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness. “They view their love life as a luxury they’ll focus on after they’ve achieved their goals. The problem is, they never achieve what they think they need to in order to allow themselves to start focusing on love.”

Ambition has always been my partner-in-crime and the bane of my existence, since what it’s given to my career it’s taken away from my love life (i.e. I don’t have one). Here’s four ways to work with your ambition so you can have a thriving (and guilt-free) love life:

1. Identify the source of your ambition.
A recent study published in the European Journal of Work and Organizational Psychology found that adult children who have at least one workaholic parent are likely to suffer from an abundance of ambition (which in my case, explains everything). I’d been using ambition as a cover for the personal insecurities I didn’t want to face about myself. Once you know what you’re avoiding by working so much, you can take charge of your life – and start creating a whole one.

2. Funnel your ambition completely into work only.
“Women who are overachievers tend to see relationships and family as a ‘goal’ or ‘achievement’ rather than a process,” says psychotherapist and relationship expert Kimberly Moffit. “They tend to focus on getting the perfect man, and their feelings of love can get lost in the process.” (Oops.) Streamline your ambition into your career and let your love life happen naturally. Letting go of all expectations will make you look forward to your time off because there won’t be a to-do list attached.

3. Instead of creating work goals and personal goals, create one big picture.
It’s about creating harmony. If you level the playing field and make your personal goals as important as your career goals, you’ll be more likely to thrive in all areas. Don’t categorize your goals: allow your career and personal life to intertwine and benefit from each other. “Ambitious women need to realize that love isn’t just a distraction,” says Moffit. “A good relationship will provide steady and stable support which will help you work more effectively when you’re on the clock.”

4. Add your personal life to your to-do list.
Adding your personal life to your to-do list is an easy mind-trick that kills two birds with one stone: it helps you prioritize your personal life and gives you a sense of accomplishment when you check “Watch Scandal” off your list.

“It doesn’t have to be all-or-nothing: career or love,” says Lombardo. “You can prioritize love while at the same time excelling at other areas of your life.”

What about you? Does your ambition get in the way of your love life? Tell us about it in a comment.

Related on EcoSalon:

7 Relationship Tips for Fresh Ways to Spice Up Your Love Life

Couples Therapy: Doing What You Love Builds Healthy Relationships

How to Green Up Your Love Life

Image: parisharing

The post Ambition vs Romance: Is Your Career Wrecking Your Love Life? appeared first on EcoSalon.

It’s true miracle when two people live a life together, for better or worse.  Life becomes a journey in which you traverse it with that special someone.  But, with so much societal pressure to settle down, you might wonder “is he the one?” I was a serial monogamous and yet, when I knew I had found the one, there was no doubt in my mind. Here are 9 ways you can answer “is he the one?” once and for all.

1. You have the same values.

At the end of the day you’re on the same page with what really matters. You believe in the same ethics and want similar dreams. Points of views can often be apples and oranges, and meshing different opinions in a relationship can be exciting and fun. But when it comes to “for better or worse” having similar core values will keep you together.

2. He’s thoughtful.

Is he the one? The answer might be yes if you’re on his mind throughout the day. Does he take action by surprising you with flowers, cooking your favorite meal or drawing you a bath after a tough day? He knows actions speak louder than words.

3. The sex is good.

Good sex is crucial to surviving “for better or worse.” Sex sustains a long lasting relationship, tying the bond and literally bringing you closer together.

4. You can always be yourself.

Is he the one? If you can always be who you are, and he still loves every part of you, the answer might be yes.

5. He listens.

Whether it’s the trouble at work, or the climax to the romance novel you’re reading, he listens to you. From big to small he lends an ear and truly takes in what you are saying.

6. You love not just his body, but his heart and mind.

No piece-meal loving here–It’s the whole package, that turns you on.  From mind, body and heart, you love it all.

7. He’s supportive.

Is he the one? Yes if he nurtures your dreams, trusts you to follow your heart, and shows his support with what is right for you. He provides you a supportive foundation to fly confidently in the direction of your dreams, for better or worse.

8. You learn from each other.

Over the months and years together, your personal growth as an individual doesn’t stop.  You continue to learn from each other as your partner teaches through their words or their actions.

9. Your heart knows.

“The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing,” Blaise Pasca famously said. When all reason fails you know he is the one that you want to spend your life with, for better and for worse.

Note: these tips are written from a heterosexual perspective, but swap the pronouns, and they’re applicable for any gender or type of relationship!

Related on EcoSalon:

 7 Relationship Tips For Fresh Ways to Spice Up Your Love Life

Cohabitation Survival Guide: 5 Habits For Healthy Relationships

Image: imagineitall

The post Is He The One? 9 Signs You’re Ready “For Better Or Worse” appeared first on EcoSalon.

Relationships are hard work. It never plateaus to a place of everlasting peace; and the most important relationship is the one with yourself. Still, that doesn’t mean you can’t spice it up. Here are seven relationship tips to help freshen your love life.

A relationship with a significant other needs attention, love and care.  Only you can know in your heart if a partnership isn’t right and not worth sticking around for.  Yet once you’ve committed to someone, you can guarantee times you’ll need to give a little push to spice up your relationship. These seven relationship tips can help to fuel some zest into your love life. (Pssst! They nurture you, too).

1.  Get Formal

You might be comfortable enough with each other to lazy around all weekend in your pajamas eating ice cream out of the carton (and that kind of comfort is pure bliss), but change it up with a formal date night. Dress to the nines like you did when you were first courting. Reserve a table at that special restaurant you’ve always wanted to try. Tapas is a great cuisine choice because you share all the dishes. It’s not about sticking your face in your own plate, but talking and coming up with mutual orders to share. Plus, it won’t hurt to add a relaxing glass of wine or two.

2. Break Routine

The mundane tasks of going to work, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, taking care of pets or children can become a bit of a hamster wheel.  We vent about coworkers or that one guy on the subway. Break the routine by being spontaneous! Do something together you’ve never done before. Stay up late dancing (even in your living room–actually, especially in your living room) or go out to that outdoor summer movie you’ve always wanted to catch. Plunge into thrills and take small risks in life you won’t do normally.  This will spice up your relationship and move you both forward as human beings.

3. Communicate the Past and Future

We’ve all heard (and some of us might know first hand) communication is the root of a long lasting, honest and healthy relationship. Talk openly with one another. Talk about the past and the future. Stir up old memories: Nostalgia can be an aphrodisiac. Reminisce on how far you’ve come, laugh at moments that seemed impossible and yet somehow you overcame them together. Dream about the future: Where do you imagine traveling together? What are your goals, both personally and mutually?  What will your kitchen look like? Your bathroom? Bedroom?

4. Satisfy Your Stomachs

Indeed, the way to the heart is through the stomach.  Try cooking a new and exciting nourishing meal. Get creative. In the age of the Internet, the availability of any recipe is at our fingertips. Plan once a week to whip up an innovative dish you’ve never tried before.

5. Watch a Romantic Movie

Cuddling under a heartfelt (cerebral, not too mushy) love story can rekindle your own feelings towards one another. I love old classics like Sullivan’s Travels, It Happened One Night, or Roman Holiday and newer films like Before Sunrise, True Romance or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

6. Spice Up Your Sex Life, Naturally

Sex is magical. And a ‘well made bed’ is as important for a relationship’s health as anything else. Pick up a copy of The Guide to Getting It On.  This book is the ultimate sex text. It takes a comfortable, no baloney approach to human sexuality with the central focus on play and pleasure. Filled with fun tricks and tips, it covers everything from ‘how to’ (insert silly name here) sex positions, to exploring and mastering your and your partner’s body.

7.  Create New Memories Together

As you continue to live life side by side, don’t forget to create new memories together. Go outdoors, take a walk, swim or plan a simple getaway. Be sure not to over plan; let the enjoyment of time away do the work. Remember: The more you give, the more you receive.

image: linh.ngan

The post 7 Relationship Tips for Fresh Ways to Spice Up Your Love Life appeared first on EcoSalon.