Marissa Mayer, CEO of Yahoo, recently announced that after giving birth—to twins!—she will only take two weeks off for maternity leave.

Two. Weeks.

That’s barely enough time for any woman who recently gave birth to go to the bathroom without searing pain, let alone sit comfortably at a desk while running a major company.

There’s no question that Mayer can afford good childcare; and with twins, she’s going to need it, no matter how long she takes to bond with her new babies. But her decision to take such a short maternity leave has been controversial: critics say it undermines her commitment to women, and even her commitment to children; she is, after all, clearly putting her career first.

“[L]ess than 5% of the CEOs in the S&P 500 are female,” reports Forbes, “and career disruptions (among them, having children) have proven to be impediments to advancement.”

Others say that despite her quick return to her desk, her work performance may be compromised, and that she’s also feeding an unhealthy obsession with success: “[H]er decision seems emblematic of a workaholic culture that leaves too little time for family or even personal health, preventing either men or women from ‘having it all,’” writes Katherine Reynolds Lewis in Fortune.

There’s no question that having a child and a career requires a series of sacrifices. (As I sit here typing this, my daughter, who is turning two next week, is off with her nanny on a lunch and play date with a few of her friends, who are also accompanied by their nannies filling in for busy working parents.)

Handing off our children to caregivers is more common today than at perhaps any other time in history. Relatives, nurses, and nannies have always assisted in the upbringing of children; but  it’s only in recent history that it’s happened so that both parents can focus on their careers.

And that’s worth looking at.

Whatever we feel about women in the workforce, there’s a big difference between a mother taking a break from her children to have a nap, (or even enjoy some time with other adults and/or alcohol), and the mom who is inundated by a career and all the pressures it brings. Whether that’s driven by financial needs or simply career goals, is the mother who is checking work emails while breastfeeding really giving her family the critical attention it needs? What about the mother who foregoes breastfeeding because it’s too time consuming and will interfere with her work responsibilities? Not all mothers can breastfeed, but those who can are encouraged to do it for the countless benefits it provides the child (and the mom: breastfeeding has been linked to a reduced risk of breast cancer).

Yes, women are absolutely entitled to careers and the same opportunities as men (and while we’re on it, the same pay). But when we take on the responsibility of having a child—a responsibility exclusive to being a woman—our priorities need to shift. They have to. That’s not to say we can’t maintain or further our career goals. But being the bearer of children does make us different from men. It makes us stronger, more nurturing, and more capable in many regards. And, for a relatively short period of time, it also makes us beholden to someone (or several someones) else. Should we really be asking our children to sacrifice those few critical months so that we can get back to work? In the big picture, it’s such a short period of time for us to stop everything and simply nurture, connect, and form the bonds that, we hope, will aid our children in developing their own balanced and beautiful lives.

“[Mayer] conveys the image of someone who’s perfectly capable of combining her personal life and her public responsibilities without one derailing the other. That’s a message we should applaud,” Kathleen Gerson, professor at New York University and author of “The Unfinished Revolution: Coming of Age in a New Era of Gender, Work and Family” told Lewis. “It also suggests that somehow it’s illegitimate for women—and by implication for men as well—to take some time off at critical moments in their own lives and the lives of their children. To that extent, it’s a backward-looking message.”

Mayer’s decision is reflective of her own capabilities, as Gerson explains, but it’s also clearly a decision driven by priorities–and not just Mayer’s, but also the priorities of our culture. Had she been running a company in, say, France, there wouldn’t be as much pressure for her to return to work so soon, because the universal health care system and the generous maternity leave programs reinforce the importance of this incredible time for mother and baby. It reinforces the reality that life is not permanent and certainly our careers are not, no matter how important they seem.

The experience of parenting is fleeting and precious–and the joy of those moments with our children enrich us not just as parents, but as a culture too. But here in the U.S., maternity leave is often treated more like an inconvenient vacation than the miracle it is. So, it’s no surprise that Mayer has decided to attempt the impossible. But she shouldn’t have to.

Find Jill on Twitter and Instagram

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Column“Lean In” continues to divide women on issues related to work, privilege and balance. Is my decision to go freelance leaning in or leaning out?

Sheryl Sandberg and the Lean In brand have suffered a few blows recently.

Sandberg threw her big name behind Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, a congressional candidate who has a consistent record of voting against women’s rights.

Then there’s the Makers Conference. What started as a documentary about the history of women’s equality is now its own fancy-schmancy entity — and Sandberg is at the center of the controversy. Makers’ three-day (invite-only) conference where she and other powerhouses plan to “reset the agenda for women in the workplace in the 21st century” is under fire for its obvious elitism.

But, I mean, Chelsea Handler will be there, so at least it should be a good time.

With this renewed interest in — albeit criticism, of “Lean In” — I’m looking at my own recent choice to leave my full-time job and go out on my own and wondering: Which way am I leaning?

Some might say the decision to leave a career where I was on the team of strategic decision-makers for a company is leaning out. But, I am building my own business, which is a definite lean in. I’m incorporating, you guys!

That said, the path to Libby, Inc. may not impress Sandberg. I spent a lot of time chasing the dream job until I realized that the magical ‘90s office (with work-life balance built into the culture in the form of a ping pong table and a keg) didn’t exist anymore — if it ever did.

I have quit 13 full-time jobs since graduating from college. Yet I have managed to advance in my field and learn new things. In fact, I have learned enough stuff to feel good about my ability to make a living working for myself. That brings me to work-life balance — or, the lean.

I’m working way more hours than I did as a full-time employee and I’m making less money. But, I went to yoga this morning, regularly wear yoga pants all day and take breaks to cuddle with my dog.

I work from home nearly every day, and if you know anything about the weather in Chicago this winter, this is a perk that cannot be underestimated. And I’d say this to the queen of working from the office, Yahoo! CEO Marissa Mayer: I can prove that I get more done out of an office.

While I’m not Makers Conference invite privileged, I don’t take it for granted that even thinking about work-life balance is a privilege. I’m extremely lucky to have a choice in how I make a living, and to have had access to an education that enabled me to get the jobs that have taken me this far.

My goal isn’t to lean in or lean out. My goal is to stay centered and recognize that balance and success are intertwined, not different sides of a coin.

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Image: Giorgio Montersino

That Happened is Libby Lowe’s weekly column for EcoSalon analyzing media, news and pop culture through a feminist lens. Keep in touch with Libby @LibbyLowe.

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For the first time in history, women have eked past men as the most popular hires for tech jobs. Yes–as in IT support, engineers, developers and even more of the positions typically reserved for geeky guys. (I’m sorry, I meant geniuses.)

According to data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics, sixty percent of the 39,000 tech job hires between January and September (2013) went to women. “In every other year of the past decade, men claimed a greater share of new tech jobs,” reports Business Insider. Typically as much as seventy to eighty percent of tech jobs go to men in a year. So, what gives? Why the sudden shift?

CNN notes, in a let’s-call-it-a-bit-more-than-slightly-sexist-tone, that where exactly the hires are going is unclear, “It’s possible tech firms could be hiring huge teams of female administrators and still mostly male engineers.” Right, because all that engineering is like, really complicated and stuff! Does anyone have a nail file? I think I just chipped my pinky typing “definition of bullshit” into the Google.

It’s not just the jobs that are going to women, overall these computer-thingies and all kinds of digital content have piqued women’s interest. Last month, the Telegraph reported on a study that found women over age 35 now outnumber men when it comes to playing digital games. “In Turkey, Brazil, Netherlands, US, UK, and France, there are more women over 35 gaming than men, and [the report] states that 73 per cent of Turkish women aged 35-44 play online games.”

Should we even discuss how many women are running the booming online porn industry?

The shift is likely due, in part anyway, to women tech stars like Yahoo CEO and ex-Googler Marissa Mayer and Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg (and let’s not forget EcoSalon’s Publisher and Editor-in-Chief, Laura Klein). Mayer and Sandberg were all over the media this year, making the tech industry look less like the good ol’ boys club and more like a non-gender-specific industry ripe for female influence. Sometimes, it’s even downright sexy.

But, big surprise: women still aren’t earning as much as men, according to Business Insider. “In computer and information systems roles, for example, women working full time make only about 80 cents for every dollar earned by men.”

Regardless of why it’s happening, it’s a pretty big swing in favor of women, who still only make up a little more than thirty percent of tech industry jobs in total. The year’s not yet done, either. Neither are women.

Keep in touch with Jill on Twitter @jillettinger

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Image: Mike Licht

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Column Until we remove the stigma around feminism and stop creating barriers between each other, we’re not going to achieve equality, no matter how far in we may lean.

The first act of feminism I witnessed was mortifying. I was at my Brownie Fly-Up ceremony, the celebration of our troop graduating from Brownies to Girl Scouts. There we were. On stage. And the leaders of all of the local troops were supposed to sing us a song before we walked the ceremonial bridge over a mirror, which is actually a little creepy when you think about it, to become Girl Scouts. I watched in horror as our leaders—one of whom was my own mother—stood silently staring into the crowd. Not singing.

Suddenly, Troop 310 was walking the plank. I glared at my mom and asked why she had done that to me. She replied, “Did you listen to the words of the song?” I had not.

It was a cheery rhyming number, the gist of which was that while we failed at everything from tent-pitching to sports, they were letting us graduate anyway. I looked for this song in the official Girl Scout songbook and came up empty. It was probably a local specialty.

At the time, I cared very little about the words and just wanted my mom to have sung and shut up about it. On the way home, we had a long talk about what it would have meant. I lived in a house where Ms. Magazine sat comfortably on the table with an assortment of novels, the New Yorker and newspapers. I distinctly remember an intimidatingly heavy-looking book called Backlash on the table for a while. When my mom explained why the song was wrong, I got it. I was still pissed because, at eight, being embarrassed is about the worst thing possible. But I got it: As a feminist, you don’t belittle yourself and your friends. This is a lesson I have had to relearn many, many times.

And it’s a lesson that seems to be getting lost with this new generation of feminism. This wave (I forget how many waves we’ve had at this point) started last year with Anne-Marie Slaughter’s article in The Atlantic: Why Women Still Can’t Have It All. Talk about backlash.

Cut to today. Marissa Mayer doesn’t identify as a feminist and is, I think, just trying to do her job. But she has been repeatedly criticized for not being a role model for real women, especially the working kind. Then we have Sheryl Sandberg a self-defined feminist starting a deliberate movement.

The criticism of Sandberg has been severe. She doesn’t understand real women. She’s judging us for not working hard enough. She doesn’t get what it takes to make it when you’re not the COO of Facebook (though I would argue that getting to that point in her own career means that she most certainly does get it). We’re picking her apart.

These new voices in mainstream conversations about feminism have a lot in common, which they talk openly about: they are wealthy, straight, attractive, white women. This is the same problem Gloria Steinem faced in the ’70s. Despite the progress Steinem made, she was accused of not understanding the plight of everyone else, of creating an elitist, exclusive movement dedicated to the advancement of a few. Sounds a lot like what people are saying about Sandberg’s book and social campaign, Lean In. Have we not progressed at all?

Once again, we are undermining ourselves because we don’t see ourselves directly reflected in Sandberg’s mirror. But, while our finances might look different, Sandberg argues that we all face the same struggle. In her recent 60 Minutes interview, she says that as women we all learned to downplay our accomplishments from a young age (hell, some of us were even encouraged to celebrate our alleged failures in song). Girls who displayed leadership skills were deemed bossy; as we get older bossy becomes bitchy. She notes that women hold themselves back to avoid these negative stereotypes. While we hold ourselves back, we also take down those women who don’t.

Sandberg is not saying, “Lean in and be me,” but she only has her own life experience to draw from. She’s saying, lean into your own life and ask for whatever it is that you want or need. And yes, it will be easier for women with supportive partners and good jobs. The best response, I think, to her advice about work is Jody Greenstone Miller’s piece in the Wall Street Journal: It’s about changing the structure of the American workday so that all people—parents and singles alike—can have a fulfilling life outside of work. Figure out a way to let people who don’t have Sandberg’s advantages leave work at 5:30, too.

There are many women (and men) just struggling to get by who might look at all of this and say, this isn’t about me. But it is. Feminism has long been about giving a voice to those who are silenced, and Sandberg has the stage. She acknowledges her status and said during the 60 Minutes interview, “Yes, it’s easier for me to say this, and that’s why I am saying it.”

It’s time we stop shooting the messenger and listen to her message. It’s time to stop saying, “I’m not a feminist, but of course I believe I deserve to have a place at whatever table I’m sitting at. I’m not a feminist, but I should be paid as much as my male counterpart. I’m not a feminist, but I think women are equal to men.” It’s long-past time to remove the stigma around feminism, stop creating barriers between each other, and get down to the real conversations about equality at work and at home. As long as we separate ourselves because of a word, we’re not going to achieve equality no matter how far in we may lean.

Image: Lean In

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ColumnYahoo CEO Marissa Mayer’s controversial decision to outlaw working from home has nothing to do with motherhood.

If we all follow Marissa Mayer’s lead, I can stop working from home. This is going to be awesome. No more answering emails while I make dinner. No more updating my company’s Facebook page after 5. No more Sunday afternoon proposal reviews. It will be like the early ’90s when we left work and work was over. The ’90s were great.

I think you see my point. Marissa Mayer’s new mandate that all Yahoo! employees work onsite feels like a big step back in time. There are loads of studies showing that flexible work days are better for people—and productivity (not to mention the environment). And there are studies showing just the opposite. Most tech workers don’t have to punch a clock anymore, and very few people want to. But, I don’t work for Yahoo!—and neither do most people who are freaking out about this. Why do we all care so much about Mayer’s new policy?

More than a fear that our own employers will make us suit up and come in, reasoning that if it’s good enough for Yahoo!, it’s good enough for us, it’s pretty clear that people are interested because Mayer is a woman, not to mention a new mom. Many are asking how she, a working parent, could do this to us.

Which begs some questions: Why is working at home linked to parenthood? If a male CEO did the same thing would anyone bat an eyelash?

There are tons of reasons to work at home, or in a coffee shop, that have nothing to do with kids. And shouldn’t. Once the right to work remotely is tied to whether a person has kids, how long her commute is or another matter unrelated to her job responsibilities and performance, the door is open for an HR nightmare and employee morale problems.

If someone is working at home, he should be working, not just replying to email in between watching kids—or the episode of Nashville he missed earlier in the week. In reality, there’s time spent not working no matter where you spend the workday, whether that break is to throw in a load of laundry at home or watch a cute animal video for two minutes at your desk. For many people, that mini break between tasks is actually part of how they work effectively.

As an employer, you either trust people to get their work done wherever they are, or you don’t. It seems Mayer doesn’t. I don’t see how taking away a benefit most people seem to want will change that, but then, I am not the CEO of a global enterprise, so maybe she knows something I don’t.

Which brings me to my next point. There’s been criticism about Mayer not sympathizing with real women—which I assume means those women with kids and without access to a private jet and unlimited resources. To that I say, so what? She has worked her ass off to become one of a handful of high-profile female CEOs. This isn’t US Weekly and she’s not just like us; she’s Marissa Yahoo! Mayer. She doesn’t have to identify with us (and doesn’t seem to)—she has to turn around a struggling empire.

I would hope her decision to put the smackdown on working from home was a business decision, not a personal one. And the assumption, by men and women alike, that her decision had anything to do with her ability to make babies leads us to the second question: If she was a man, would this discussion be about anything other than employee productivity? Maybe. There might be criticism about him not sympathizing with work-life balance, but I don’t think the outrage would be the same. She’s the CEO. She’s not the kindly Yahoo! aunt, and she didn’t do this to screw over women or families.

Ultimately, Mayer knows her workforce, and if it needs cleaning up and a strong kick in the ass, that’s her job. But, to an outsider like me, it looks like a throwback blanket policy that is going to be a disaster for morale. What it says to most of us is what most people already think about Yahoo!: It’s no Google.

Photo: TechCrunch

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A weekly look at sex and culture, by the numbers. 

Manners are important—in life, in the bedroom, and in the boardroom. This week’s Sex By Numbers highlights some lapses in etiquette, including one we never thought we’d have to correct: answering the phone during sex.

A few weeks: Now that the much talked about pregnancy of Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer is over, everyone can commence criticizing the length of her relatively short maternity leave before she returns to work. We say: it may not work for everyone, but let mom make her own decision.

50 Years: Rachel Carson’s seminal environmental work Silent Spring was published 50 years ago. At the time, no one could quite believe a woman wrote the piece, leaving some readers to “assume from the author’s knowledge that he must be a man.” Decades later, the representation of women in science is still low.

1 million: One more reason to be jealous of the super cool and witty “it girl” Lena Dunham: an advice book based on anecdotes from her life is being shopped around to publishers with a price tag of $1,000,000.

33%: Percentage of 2000 polled Brits who think it’s socially acceptable to pick up a phone call during sex. Um, no.

50%: A study widely criticized for being an oversimplification (and a “slap in the face for gender equality”) found that the divorce rate for couples that shared housework was 50% higher than couples where the woman does the majority of the work.

Double take: It’s never a good thing for a celebrity when an old sex tape gets released. For Kanye West, it’s proved particularly bad, considering his on camera co-star is a dead ringer for his current real-life girlfriend, Kim Kardashian. One can only hope she won’t notice.

20 Weeks: UK Women’s Minister has said that it’s “common sense” for the legal abortion limit to be lowered to 20 weeks.

50: Think single ladies over 50 have lost their spark. Don’t be so rude. An Australian study found that these women “are more likely to have a one night stand than their Gen X or Gen Y daughters.”

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